Discworld - The Fifth Elephant Part 50

The king entered, rubbing his hands.

"Ah, Your Excellency," he said, p.r.o.nouncing the word as a statement of fact rather than a welcome. "I see you have something that belongs to us."

Dee detached himself from the crowd at the door.

"I must make a serious accusation, sire!" he said.

"Really? Bring these people into the law room. Under guard, of course."

He swept away. Vimes looked at Sybil, and shrugged. They followed the king, leaving the hubbub of the main cavern behind.

Once again, Vimes was in the room with too many shelves and too few candles. The king sat down.

"Is the Scone heavy, Your Excellency?"

"Yes!"

"It is weighted with history, see? Put it down on the table with extreme extreme care, please. And...Dee?" care, please. And...Dee?"

"That...thing," said Dee, pointing a finger, "that thing thing is...a fake, a copy. A forgery! Made in is...a fake, a copy. A forgery! Made in Ankh-Morpork Ankh-Morpork! Part of a plot which, I am sure can be proven, involves milord Vimes! It is not not the Scone!" the Scone!"

The king lifted a candle a little closer to the Scone and gave it a critical look from several angles.

"I have seen the Scone many times before," he said at last, "and I would say that this appears to be the true thing and the whole of the thing."

"Sire, I demand-that is, I advise you to demand a closer inspection, sire."

"Really?" said the king mildly. "Well, I am not an expert, see? But we are fortunate, are we not, that Albrecht Albrechtson is here for the coronation? All of dwarfdom knows, I think, that he is the the authority on the Scone and its history. Have him summoned. I daresay he is close at hand. I should say just about everyone is on the other side of that door now." authority on the Scone and its history. Have him summoned. I daresay he is close at hand. I should say just about everyone is on the other side of that door now."

"Indeed, sire." The look of triumph on Dee's face as he swept past Vimes was almost obscene.

"I think we're going to need another song to get us out of this one, dear," murmured Vimes.

"I'm afraid I can only remember that one, Sam. The others were mainly about gold."

Dee returned, with Albrecht and a following of other senior and somewhat magisterial dwarfs.

"Ah, Albrecht," said the king. "Do you see this on the table? It is claimed that this is not the true thing and the whole of the thing. Your opinion is sought, please." The king nodded at Vimes. "My friend understands Morporkian, Your Excellency. He just chooses not to pollute the air by speaking it. Just his way, see?"

Albrecht glared at Vimes and then stepped up to the table.

He looked at the Scone from several angles. He moved the candles, and leaned down so that he could inspect the crust closely.

He took a knife from his belt, tapped the Scone with it, and listened with ferocious care to the note produced. He turned the Scone over. He sniffed at it.

He stood back, his face screwed up in a scowl, and then said "H'gradz?" "H'gradz?"

The dwarfs muttered among themselves, and then, one by one, nodded.

To Vimes's horror, Albrecht chipped a tiny piece from the Scone and put it in his mouth.

Plaster, thought Vimes. Fresh plaster from Ankh-Morpork. And Dee will talk his way out of it- Albrecht spat the piece out into his hand, and looked up at the ceiling for a moment, while he chewed.

Then he and the king exchanged a long, thoughtful stare.

"P'akga," said Albrecht, at last, said Albrecht, at last, "a p'akaga-ad..." "a p'akaga-ad..."

Behind the outbreak of murmuring, Vimes heard Cheery translate: "'It is the thing, and the whole of-'"

"Yes, yes," said Vimes. And he thought: By G.o.ds, we're good. Ankh-Morpork, I'm proud of you. When we make a forgery, it's better than the real d.a.m.n thing.

Unless...unless I've missed something...

"Thank you, gentlemen," said the king. He waved a hand. The dwarfs filed out, reluctantly, with many backward glances at Vimes.

"Dee? Please fetch my ax from my chamber, will you?" the king said. "Yourself, please. I don't want anyone else to handle it. Your Excellency, you and your lady will remain here. Your...dwarf must leave, however. The guards are to be posted on the door. Dee?"

The Ideas-taster hadn't moved.

"Dee?"

"Wh'...yes, sire?"

"You do what I tell you!"

"Sire, this man's ancestor once killed a king!"

"I daresay the family have got it out of their system! Now do as I say!"

The dwarf hurried away, turning to stare at Vimes for a moment as he left the cave.

The king sat back.

"Sit down, Your Monitors.h.i.+p. And your lady, too." He put one elbow on the arm of the chair and cupped his chin on his hand. "And now, Mister Vimes, tell me the truth. Tell me everything. Tell me the truth that is more valuable than small amounts of gold."

"I'm not sure I know it anymore," said Vimes.

"Ah. A good start," said the king. "Tell me what you suspect, then."

"Sire, I'd swear that thing is as fake as a tin s.h.i.+lling."

"Oh. Really?"

"The real real Scone wasn't stolen, it was destroyed. I reckon it was smashed and ground up and mixed with the sand in its cave. You see, sire, if people see that something's gone, and then you turn up with something that looks like it, they'll think 'this must be it, it Scone wasn't stolen, it was destroyed. I reckon it was smashed and ground up and mixed with the sand in its cave. You see, sire, if people see that something's gone, and then you turn up with something that looks like it, they'll think 'this must be it, it must must be, because it isn't where we thought it was.' People are like that. Something disappears and something very much like it turns up somewhere else and they think it must somehow have got from one place to the other..." Vimes pinched his nose. "I'm sorry, I haven't had much sleep..." be, because it isn't where we thought it was.' People are like that. Something disappears and something very much like it turns up somewhere else and they think it must somehow have got from one place to the other..." Vimes pinched his nose. "I'm sorry, I haven't had much sleep..."

"You are doing very well for a sleepwalking man."

"The...thief was working with the werewolves, I think. They were behind the 'Sons of Agi Hammerthief' business. They were going to blackmail you off the throne...well, you know know that. To keep Uberwald in the dark. If you didn't step down there'd be a war, and if you did Albrecht would get the fake Scone." that. To keep Uberwald in the dark. If you didn't step down there'd be a war, and if you did Albrecht would get the fake Scone."

"What else do you think you know?"

"Well, the fake was made in Ankh-Morpork. We're good at making things. I think think someone had the maker killed, but I can't find out more until I get back. I someone had the maker killed, but I can't find out more until I get back. I will will find out." find out."

"You make things very well in your city, then, to fool Albrecht. How do you think that was done?"

"You want the truth, sire?"

"By all means."

"Is it possible that Albrecht was involved? Find out where the money is, my old sergeant used to say."

"Hah. Who was it said 'Where there are policemen, you find crimes'?"

"Er...me, sir, but-"

"Let us us find out. Dee should have had time to think. Ah..." find out. Dee should have had time to think. Ah..."

The door opened. The Ideas-taster stepped through, carrying a dwarfish ax. It was a mining ax, with a pick point on one side, in order to go prospecting, and a real ax blade on the other, in case anyone tried to stop you.

"Call the guards in, Dee," said the king. "And His Excellency's young dwarf. These things should be seen, see."

Oh, good grief, thought Vimes, watching Dee's face as the others shuffled in, there must be a manual. Every copper knows how this goes. You let 'em know you know they've done something wrong, but you don't tell 'em what it is and you certainly don't tell 'em how much much you know, and you keep 'em off balance, and you just talk quietly and- you know, and you keep 'em off balance, and you just talk quietly and- "Place your hands upon the Scone, Dee."

Dee spun around. "Sire?"

"Place your hands upon the Scone. Do as I say. Do it now."

-you keep the threat in view but you never refer to it, oh no. Because there's nothing you can do to them that their imagination isn't already doing to themselves. And you keep it up until they break, or in the case of my old dame school, until they feel their boots get damp.

And it doesn't even leave a mark.

"Tell me about the death of Longfinger, the candle captain," said the king, after Dee, with a look of hollow apprehension, had touched the Scone.

The words rushed out. "Oh, as I told you, sire, he-"

"If you do not keep your hands pressed upon the Scone, Dee, I will see to it that they are fixed there. Tell me again again."

"I...he...took his own life, sire. Out of shame."

The king picked up his ax and turned it so that the long point faced outward.

"Tell me again."

Now Vimes could hear Dee's breathing, short and fast.

"He took his own life, sire!"

The king smiled at Vimes. "There's an old superst.i.tion, Your Excellency, that since the Scone contains a grain of Truth it will glow red-hot if a lie is told by anyone touching it. Of course, in these more modern times, I shouldn't think anyone believes it." He turned to Dee.

"Tell me again," he whispered.

As the ax moved slightly, the reflected light of the candles flashed along the blade.

"He took his own life! He did!"

"Oh yes. You said. Thank you," said the king. "And do you recall, Dee, when Slogram sent false word of Bloodaxe's death in battle to Ironhammer, causing Ironhammer to take his own life in grief, where was the guilt?"

"It was Slogram's, sir," said Dee promptly. Vimes suspected the answer had come straight from some rote-remembered teaching.

"Yes."

The king let the word hang in the air for a while, and then went on: "And who gave the order to kill the craftsman in Ankh-Morpork?"

"Sire?" said Dee.

"Who gave the order to kill the craftsman in Ankh-Morpork?" The king's tone did not change. It was the same comfortable, singsong voice. He sounded as though he would carry on asking the question forever.

"I know nothing about-"

"Guards, press his hands firmly against the Scone."

They stepped forward. Each one took an arm.

"Again, Dee. Who gave the order?"

Dee writhed as if his hands were burning.

"I...I..."

Vimes could see the skin whiten on the dwarf's hands as he strained to lift them from the stone.

But it's a fake fake. I'd swear he destroyed the real one, so he knows knows it's a fake, surely? It's just a lump of plaster, probably still damp in the middle! Vimes tried to think. The original Scone had been in the cave, hadn't it? Was it? If it wasn't, where had it been? The it's a fake, surely? It's just a lump of plaster, probably still damp in the middle! Vimes tried to think. The original Scone had been in the cave, hadn't it? Was it? If it wasn't, where had it been? The werewolves werewolves thought they had a fake, and it certainly hadn't left his sight since. He tried to think through the fog of fatigue. thought they had a fake, and it certainly hadn't left his sight since. He tried to think through the fog of fatigue.

He'd half-wondered, once, whether the original Scone had been the one in the Dwarf Bread Museum. That would have been the way to keep it safe. No one would try to steal something that everyone knew was a fake...The whole thing thing was the Fifth Elephant, nothing was what it seemed, it was all a fog... was the Fifth Elephant, nothing was what it seemed, it was all a fog...

Which one was was real? real?

"Who gave the order, Dee?" said the king.

"Not me! I said they must take all necessary steps to preserve secrecy!"

"To whom did you say this?"

"I can give you names!"

"Later, you will. I promise you, boyo," said the king. "And the werewolves?"

"The baroness suggested it! That is true!"