Discworld - The Fifth Elephant Part 21

"I have other skills, but...yes."

"What makes you think I'll need you?"

"Well, Your Grace...here they don't don't have rules. Mhm, mhm." have rules. Mhm, mhm."

"I've spent most of my life dealing with people who don't have rules!"

"Yes, of course. But when you kill them them, they don't get up again."

"I've never killed anyone!" said Vimes.

"You shot that bandit in the throat."

"I was aiming aiming for the shoulder." for the shoulder."

"Yes, the thing does pull to the left," said Inigo. "You mean that you have never tried tried to kill anyone. I have, on the other hand. And here, hesitation may not be an option. Mmm." to kill anyone. I have, on the other hand. And here, hesitation may not be an option. Mmm."

"I didn't hesitate!"

Inigo sighed. "In the guild, Your Grace, we don't...grandstand."

"Grandstand?"

"That business with the cigar..."

"You mean, when I shut my eyes and they had to look at a flame in the darkness?"

"Ah..." Inigo hesitated. "But they might have shot you there and then."

"No. I wasn't a threat. And you heard his voice. I hear that sort of voice a lot. He's not going to shoot people too soon and spoil the fun. I can a.s.sume that you have not got a contract on me?"

"That is correct."

"And you'd still swear to that?"

"On my honor as an a.s.sa.s.sin."

"Yes," said Vimes. "That's where I hit a difficulty, of course. And...I don't know how to put this, Inigo, but you don't act like a typical a.s.sa.s.sin. Lord this, Sir that...the Guild is is the school for gentlemen but you...and G.o.ds know I don't mean any offense here-are not exactly-" the school for gentlemen but you...and G.o.ds know I don't mean any offense here-are not exactly-"

Inigo touched his forelock.

"Scholars.h.i.+p boy, sir," he said.

My G.o.ds yes yes, thought Vimes. You can find your average, amateur killers on every street. They're mostly deranged or drunk or some poor woman who's had a hard day and the husband has raised his hand once too often and suddenly twenty years of frustration takes over. Killing a stranger stranger without malice or satisfaction, other than the craftsman's pride in a job well done, is such a rare talent that armies spend months trying to instill it into their young soldiers. Most people will shy away from killing people they haven't been introduced to. without malice or satisfaction, other than the craftsman's pride in a job well done, is such a rare talent that armies spend months trying to instill it into their young soldiers. Most people will shy away from killing people they haven't been introduced to.

The Guild had to have one or two people like Inigo. Didn't some philosophical b.a.s.t.a.r.d once say that a government needed butchers as well as shepherds?

He indicated the little crossbow.

"All right, take it," he said. "But you can put the word about that if I ever, ever ever see one on the street the owner will find it put where the sun does not s.h.i.+ne." see one on the street the owner will find it put where the sun does not s.h.i.+ne."

"Ah," said Inigo, "that's the rather amusingly named place in Lancre, isn't it? Only about fifty miles from here, I believe. Mhm, mhm."

"Rest a.s.sured that I can find a shortcut."

Gaspode tried blowing in Carrot's ear again.

"Time to wake up up," he growled.

Carrot opened his eyes, blinked the snow out of them, and then tried to move.

"You just lie still, right?" said Gaspode. "If it helps, just try to think of them as a very heavy eiderdown."

Carrot struggled feebly. The wolves piled on top of his s.h.i.+fted position.

"Warming you up a treat," said Gaspode, grinning nervously. "A wolf blanket, see? O'course, you're going to be a bit whiffy on the nose for a while, but better to be itchy than dead, eh?" He scratched an ear industriously with a hind leg. One of the wolves growled at him. "Sorry. Grub'll be up in a moment."

"Food?" muttered Carrot. muttered Carrot.

Angua appeared in Carrot's vision, dressed in a leather s.h.i.+rt and leggings. She stood looking down at him, hands on her hips. To Gaspode's amazement, Carrot actually managed to push himself up on his elbows, dislodging several wolves.

"You were tracking us?" he said. were tracking us?" he said.

"No, they were," said Angua. "They thought you were a b.l.o.o.d.y fool. I heard it on the howl. And they were right! You haven't eaten anything for three days! And up here, winter doesn't drop a few hints over a month or so. It turns up in one night! Why were you so stupid stupid?"

Gaspode looked around the clearing, Angua had rekindled the fire; Gaspode wouldn't have believed it if he hadn't seen it, but actual wolves had dragged in actual fallen wood for her. And then another had turned up with a small deer, still fat after the autumn. He dribbled at the smell of it roasting.

Something human and complicated was going on between Carrot and Angua. It sounded like an argument but it didn't smell smell like one. Anyway, recent events all made perfect sense to Gaspode. The female ran away and the male chased her. That's how it went. Actually, it was usually about twenty males of all sizes, but obviously, Gaspode conceded, things were a bit different for humans. like one. Anyway, recent events all made perfect sense to Gaspode. The female ran away and the male chased her. That's how it went. Actually, it was usually about twenty males of all sizes, but obviously, Gaspode conceded, things were a bit different for humans.

Pretty soon, he reckoned, Carrot would notice the big male wolf sitting by the fire, And then then the fur would fly. Humans, eh? the fur would fly. Humans, eh?

Gaspode wasn't sure of his own ancestry. There was some terrier, and a touch of spaniel, and probably someone's leg, and an awful lot of mongrel. But he took it as an article of faith that there was in all dogs a tiny bit of wolf, and his was urgently sending messages that the wolf by the fire was one you didn't even stare directly at.

It wasn't that the wolf was obviously vicious. He didn't need to be. Even sitting still, he radiated the a.s.surance of competent power. Gaspode was, if not the victor, then at least the survivor of many a street fight, and as such would not have gone up against this animal even if backed up by a couple of lions and a man with an ax.

Instead, he sidled over to a female wolf who was watching the fire haughtily.

"Yo, b.i.t.c.h," he said.

"Vot vas that?" vas that?"

Gaspode reconsidered his strategy.

"Hi, foxy...er...wolf lady," he tried.

A certain lowering of the temperature suggested that this one hadn't worked either.

"'Ullo, miss," he said, hopefully.

Her muzzle turned to point at him. Her eyes narrowed.

"Vot har har you?" Ice slithered off every syllable. you?" Ice slithered off every syllable.

"Gaspode's the name," barked Gaspode, with insane cheerfulness. "'M a dog dog. That's a kind of wolf, sort of thing. So...what's your name, then?"

"Go avay."

"No offense meant. 'Ere, I heard tell wolves mate for life, right?"

"Vell?"

"Wish I I could." could."

Gaspode froze as the she-wolf's muzzle snapped an inch from his nose.

"Vere I come from, ve eat eat things like you," she said. things like you," she said.

"Fair enough, fair enough," muttered Gaspode, backing away. "I don't know, you try to be friendly and this is what you get..."

Nearer the fire, the humans were getting complicated. Gaspode slunk back and lay down.

"You could have told me," Carrot was saying.

"It would've taken too long. You always want to understand understand things. Anyway, it's none of your business. This is things. Anyway, it's none of your business. This is family family."

Carrot waved a hand toward the wolf.

"He's a relative?" he said.

"No. He's a...friend."

Gaspode's ears waggled. He thought: Whoops...

"He's very big for a wolf," said Carrot slowly, as if filing new information.

"He's a very big wolf," said Angua, shrugging.

"Another werewolf?"

"No."

"Just a wolf?"

"Yes," said Angua sarcastically, "just a wolf." a wolf."

"And his name is...?"

"He would not object to being called Gavin."

"Gavin?"

"He once ate someone called Gavin."

"What, all of him?"

"Of course not. Just enough to make certain that the man set no more wolf traps." Angua smiled. "Gavin is...quite unusual."

Carrot looked at the wolf and smiled. He picked up a piece of wood and tossed it gently toward him. The wolf snapped it, doglike, out of the air.

"I'm sure we will be friends," he said.

Angua sighed. "Wait."

Gaspode, the unheeded spectator, watched as Gavin, without taking his eyes off Carrot, very slowly bit the wood in two.

"Carrot?" said Angua, sweetly. "Don't do that again. Gavin isn't even in the same clan as these wolves, and he took over the pack without anyone even whining. He's not not a dog. And he's a killer, Carrot. Oh, don't look like that. I don't mean he pounces on wandering kids or eats up the odd grandmother. I mean that if he thinks a human ought to die, that human is dead. He will always, always fight. He's very uncomplicated like that." a dog. And he's a killer, Carrot. Oh, don't look like that. I don't mean he pounces on wandering kids or eats up the odd grandmother. I mean that if he thinks a human ought to die, that human is dead. He will always, always fight. He's very uncomplicated like that."

"He's an old old friend?" said Carrot. friend?" said Carrot.

"Yes."

"A...friend."

"Yes." Angua rolled her eyes and said, in a voice of singsong sarcasm, "I was out in the woods one day and I fell into some old pit trap under the snow and some wolves found me and would have killed me but Gavin turned up and faced them down. Don't ask me why. People do things sometimes. So do wolves. End of story."

"Gaspode said wolves and werewolves didn't get on," said Carrot patiently.

"He's right. If Gavin wasn't here they'd have torn me to pieces. I can look like a wolf, but I'm not a wolf. I'm a werewolf! I'm not a human, either. I'm a werewolf! Get it? You know some of the remarks people make? Well, wolves don't make remarks. They go for the throat. Wolves have got a very good sense of smell. You can't fool it. I can pa.s.s for human, but I can't pa.s.s for wolf."

"I never thought of it like that...I mean, you would just think that wolves and werewolves-"

"That's how it is," sighed Angua.

"You said this was family," said Carrot, as if working down a mental checklist.

"I meant it's personal. Gavin came all the way into Ankh-Morpork into Ankh-Morpork to warn me. He even slept on the timber wagons during the day so that he'd keep moving. Can you imagine how much nerve that took? It's got nothing to do with the Watch. It's got nothing to do with you." to warn me. He even slept on the timber wagons during the day so that he'd keep moving. Can you imagine how much nerve that took? It's got nothing to do with the Watch. It's got nothing to do with you."

Carrot looked around. The snow was falling again, turning into rain above the fire.

"I'm here now."

"Go away. Please. I can sort this out."

"And then you'll come back to Ankh-Morpork? Afterward?"