Doublecrossed Part 28

"Yeah, I can see how that happened."

"You know, since we're talking about things we've been thinking about, I've been going to another group."

"Really? How do you have time?"

"It's not hard. It's actually easy to find time to do things that really matter."

"Sounds serious."

"Yeah, I suppose it is. It's a group for people who've had a cheating lover."

Regan snorted a laugh. "I bet it's not hard to fill up a room."

Joining in her laugh, Callie said, "Not hard at all. It's been really good, to be honest. It's led by someone getting her Ph.D. in psych at Harvard and everyone in the group wants to learn something. Know what I mean?"

"I guess so. Do you mean they're serious about it?"

"More than that. They're kinda fearless. We're all encouraged to point out things that people might not realize. Hearing things from people who aren't involved has been really helpful."

"What's been helpful for you?"

"There's a woman in the group who annoys me. She's perceptive, but kinda b.i.t.c.hy."

"You don't like b.i.t.c.hy."

Callie chuckled. "No, I really don't. But she pointed out something I needed to hear. She said she thought I tended to keep going when things were bad... even when I should stop and rea.s.sess."

"Like how?"

"I was talking about how hard it was for me after Rob and I broke up, and she said it sounded like I told myself that people would cheat, so I might as well find someone who was really good at cheating." She laughed, but it sounded sad. Regan snuck a quick look at her and saw the downcast look.

Gently, she said, "Do you think that's true?"

"Yeah. I do. I should have spent a long time licking my wounds. But I tried to brush it off and keep going. The rules had changed: fidelity wasn't going to happen, so I had to take what I could get and be happy with it."

"Wow. That's exactly what happened, isn't it."

"Yeah. She had a very good point."

"It must have been really hard for you to have Marina cheat. Especially since you hooked up with her just to avoid that."

"Yeah, it sucked, but it wasn't the same." Callie sounded strangely lighthearted.

"Why?"

"It should be obvious. I loved Rob. I would have happily married him and had kids. I wouldn't have bought a big block of cheese with Marina. I didn't do any long-term planning with her. None at all."

Regan shot a look at her. "But you loved her. You were planning on being together forever, right?"

"Forever?" Callie spit out a laugh. "G.o.d no. In my therapy group we have to try to be honest about the past. Not my favorite thing. But I've done it. Last week I admitted that I hooked up with Marina for two reasons: one, to get out of Phoenix and two, to see how I liked being with a woman."

"That's it?" Regan's voice broke.

"Yeah. That's pretty much it. Being with her was like having someone you had no-strings-attached s.e.x with. I wanted to love her, and I set things up so I could, but I also had a very convenient escape hatch."

Regan's head spun. Now some things made sense. Like why Callie hadn't been devastated by the breakup. She'd antic.i.p.ated it. "That sounds like a good group. What else have you learned?"

"I've learned that I know what I want in a partner, and I'm not going to take something that isn't right just to keep going."

It would have been a great time to make an overture. But it was terrifying. Too terrifying. Regan could only manage to nod her head at Callie's comments and hope she got another opportunity.

Chapter Twenty-five.

They stopped in front of a large, tall house, s.h.i.+ngled in an attractive warm brown.

"Is this where we're staying?" The excitement in Callie's voice made the expense worth every dime. The inn belonged on an ad for the glories of Maine. It was old, but shone like it had been lovingly buffed.

"Yep. Looks good, doesn't it?"

"It looks awesome! Let's go."

A few minutes later Regan opened the door to their room. Sun spilled out of the room, and they had to s.h.i.+eld their eyes to let them adjust from the darkness of the hallway. The place was gorgeous, beyond what she'd hoped for, and the room was expensive, much more than she'd ever paid for a hotel, but she wanted a place they'd always remember-one way or another.

The room had a large footprint, with a sloping ceiling where the roof dipped gracefully. A turret-style window looked out on the bay, and a pair of upholstered chairs flanked a large telescope on a wooden stand. The chairs were at the precise height to use the telescope to watch boats or birds or who knew what else might capture your attention.

The room was decorated only in white, and contained virtually no knick-knacks. But the wide-plank maple floors and the big windows made the s.p.a.ce seem warm and open, yet still cozy.

Callie fell back onto the bed with her arms spread out. "This is the nicest bed in the nicest room I've ever been in." She rolled onto her belly, stretching like a cat. "Even though there are a hundred things I want to do, I feel like taking a nap."

Regan sat down next to her. "That's probably because you've eaten three times already. Your poor stomach doesn't know what hit it."

"I couldn't let you drive past a lobster shack with a long line, could I?"

"The place wasn't open," Regan said, looking at her fondly. "It wasn't eleven yet."

"I'm glad we stopped. That lobster roll was an A plus." She slipped out of her coat. "I'm slow and sleepy. I think I've gotta catch a quick nap."

"Have at it."

She started taking off her boots. "What will you do?"

"I might join you." Regan started to remove her own boots. "I like to be lazy on vacation. There's something decadent about staying in a nice place and lying in bed looking at the view."

Callie pulled her sweater off and took a T-s.h.i.+rt from her bag. Then she tossed it back in and took out a kelly green t-s.h.i.+rt and a pair of flannel pajama bottoms, pale yellow with images of pies, cakes and sundaes covering them. "Might as well do it right." She walked into the bathroom with her pajamas and her toiletries, leaving Regan to gaze out at the water, considering her plans for the afternoon.

After a few minutes Callie came barreling out of the bathroom and jumped onto the bed. "Perfect!" she proclaimed, the bed still shaking from her a.s.sault.

"You don't seem very tired now."

"Yes I am. I'm just in a hurry to get to sleep." She grinned so adorably that Regan's heart was hammering in her chest while she tried to change into a T-s.h.i.+rt. There would never be a better time to tell Callie how she felt, but actually doing it seemed like jumping off a cliff. Her hands were shaking as she wrestled out of her bra, slipped her arms back into her s.h.i.+rt and got into bed. Callie was lying on her side, her remarkably appealing face just inches away. The sun warmed the bed and shot a few beams onto her hair, making it look like a cascade of gold and copper and blonde. And when she slipped her hand into it and tossed her head back Regan almost gasped. That simple act was so incredibly s.e.xy. The way she did it exposed her neck, the pale skin so luscious that Regan was tempted to put her mouth right on the spot and take a bite.

"This is kinda weird, isn't it?"

Regan emerged from her reverie, blinking. "What?"

"It's kinda weird lying in bed on such a beautiful day. I don't take naps very often, and when I do, I never take my clothes off." Rolling onto her back she reached behind herself to fluff her pillow.

"We're on vacation. We're paying for the bed, so we might as well use it."

"Good point. I'm helping you get your money's worth." She grinned, looking like a teenager who was getting away with something.

Regan didn't reply. She just closed her eyes and tried to lull herself to sleep by breathing slowly and deeply. Having Callie right next to her got under her skin like a mite. She itched from the closeness and finally had to open her eyes and think. But looking at Callie's unguarded face was anathema to rational thought. At least those perceptive eyes weren't staring back. That made it hard to think clearly under any circ.u.mstance. It was impossible to let this opportunity pa.s.s by. If Callie's feelings had changed-if the past six months had allowed her love to die-Regan might never have the chance to lie by her again. Once the issue was on the table again it would be impossible to go back to their easy familiarity. So she took her in fully, as though it was the final time. The sun showed the red undertones in Callie's brows and lashes, something one never saw indoors. Her skin was absolutely luminous. It was almost alabaster along her neck and the underside of the arm tossed casually over her head. But then it turned the palest pink upon her cheeks, and a darker, more sensuous pink on her full, beautifully shaped mouth.

Callie's eyes moved rapidly under her lids, and she twitched slightly from a dream. Then, as her body moved under the covers a gentle smile formed. It was mesmerizing. One dimple peeked out, showing a shallow parentheses of skin bracketing it. It was those dimples that had first caught and held Regan's attention when they'd met in the Bahamas. Now, one dimple was back to remind her of how far they'd come, and how she longed for more. Much, much more.

For nearly a half hour Regan lay there in silence, conjuring dreams of their future together. She flinched when one hazy eye peeked at her, then Callie rolled onto her side and scrunched her face up like a baby's. "Hi," she said, her voice a little raspy. "Did you sleep?"

"Not really. I was just lying here thinking."

Callie took her pillow and doubled it over, propping her head up a few more inches. "You look very serious." She squinted, as if she could see inside Regan's head if she tried hard enough. "What's going on?"

"Uhm." It wasn't too late to turn back, but it wouldn't be any easier later. "I was thinking about how I handled things...last summer."

Hazy eyes sharpened. "Last summer...when?"

"Uhm, when we were in Boston."

"Yeah? What about Boston?"

She wasn't going to make this easy. "When we...when I..."

"I know what you're referring to, Regan. Tell me what's on your mind."

Maybe she would make it a little easier. "Here's what happened. I'd been feeling awful. Really awful. I'd never felt so unattractive, unappealing, and rejected in my life."

Callie reached out and touched her arm, stroking it gently. "I understand."

"Yeah, I know you do. So I was kinda ruined emotionally when this gorgeous woman came into my life. I reacted to her like any sane person would have. I kissed her and almost let her magnetism lead me to do something that I wasn't ready for."

"Let her?" Callie's brow jumped up an inch.

"I didn't say that right. I was the one who wanted to be with her. I wanted it so badly."

"But..?"

"I was still too wrapped up in Angela and in how I felt about myself to be able to really open myself up. So I closed down. Really fast. Really tight."

"That's the truth. It was like a guillotine came down on your feelings."

"That was a mistake. I should have realized that I was the problem. But nothing like that had ever happened to me and I didn't realize how heartbreak could screw you up."

"That makes sense, I guess."

"I struggled with it for a couple of months. I was ridiculously into you, but I kept trying to figure out what was wrong. What kept me from grabbing you and running away together?"

Callie's eyes blinked slowly, and it looked like she was on the verge of tears. Her voice was rough when she said, "I would have gone anywhere you wanted to go."

"I know that." A wave of shame flowed over her. Callie had done nothing to deserve such harsh treatment. "I was stupid. Or unaware. I took two plus two and came up with five."

"And you said I was too screwed up for you to get involved with."

Regan's eyes closed again and she let regret burn in her heart. "That wasn't what I believed though."

"What was?"

"I don't know. I was too confused to think straight. But I'm sure that's what it sounded like."

"That was exactly what it sounded like. And you never said it was something else. What was I supposed to think?"

"That was definitely the stupidest calculation I've ever made. There was zero truth in that. The problem was all in here." She pointed at her heart. "It was still broken, but I didn't know it."

It looked like Callie was trying to stop herself from what she did next. She looked at her own hand reach out and settle atop Regan's heart.

How could a touch so innocent make her feel like she would explode? "I was wrong to even think that you didn't have self-esteem. But I was grasping for straws trying to figure out why I was afraid to be with you." She put her hand over Callie's and the warmth of her skin raced directly to her heart. "I'm not a judgmental person. But I tried to make myself believe you were... I don't know... not who you seemed? I guess I had to make myself believe you were flawed so it made sense that I was backing away."

"When did this get clear in your head?"

"I've known something was wrong for a couple of months. Nothing was making any sense. But it wasn't until I talked to Delaney that everything clicked into place. The day after we talked, I felt like a giant weight was lifted from my shoulders. And the day I saw Angela, I knew she'd been the stumbling block."

"You saw Angela? Good lord! On purpose?"

"Yeah. The day I tried to go on your date with you." It had been a week, but she was still mortified.

Callie chuckled softly. "That was seriously weird. I thought you'd been drinking."

"No. I just wanted to be with you. It didn't matter that some other woman had gotten there first." She smacked her face with her open hand. "Love can make you act like an idiot."

"Love?" Callie reached up and tucked a few strands of hair behind Regan's ear. That gentle touch nearly burned as every nerve rushed to that centimeter of skin. She barely heard Callie say, "Tell me about Angela."

Coming back to her senses, Regan said, "I walked over by our old house. She was outside puttering in her little garden." She took in a heavy breath. "It was hard to see her. But after watching her for a few minutes, I felt the last little bit of ice melt in my heart. I could feel the final bit of her hold on me loosen. Then it floated away." She blinked a few times, still feeling puzzled. "It sounds funny, but I could almost see it. By the time I walked away I was over her."

"That seems... sudden." Callie shook her head. "No, not sudden, but...it's hard to imagine your feelings just leaving in a rush like that."