Julius Caesar Chapter 49

Alexander's POV .

Augustus s.h.i.+fted under my scrutinizing gaze as I awaited an answer . "Yes," he whispered . "Julius . "

Why had he come to his mind and why had it affected him so much was beyond my comprehension . So I naturally inquired . "Why? I'm . . . confused . "

"Why?" He studied me in disbelief . He then straightened his back, cleared his throat and pursed his lips . "I want to -uh- know-" He looked down, shrugged a shoulder and lifted his eyebrows . "h.e.l.l, I need to know . " He then lifted his head and quickly licked his lower lip as his eyes surveyed the whole room before landing back on me .

Anyone could see right through his act of nonchalance . He was unnerved, jumpy and sleep-deprived . He sucked at acting . "I'm still thoroughly confused . "

Augustus exhaled loudly in response and ran both his hands in his hair, grabbing a bunch in each hand, before dropping his arms by his sides and shutting his eyes . "Why is everything so difficult with you?" His voice was strangled yet sharp and I couldn't help but frown at the anger that impregnated it . And I thought that perhaps all that anger was harboured within him for too long . And that now was the time it made an appearance .

"Augus-"

"G.o.ddammit!" He yelled completely losing his composure . "G.o.ddammit! Is this even normal?!" He bellowed, waving his arms toward me haphazardly . "Is it normal to ask you if you have killed every d.a.m.n person I care about?!" was what he screamed in my face . "Is it normal to experience heart b.l.o.o.d.y fractures from your own father?! The person you thought cared about you the most?"

And I thought that G.o.d, yes, this was it . Another heart attack . Another one ripping and tearing my heart into snippets . Here was it in a form called Augustus .

"Son, no, list-" I started weakly, my heart thrumming dangerously in my chest . And I thought that, yes, I needed Colin (my nurse) now . Right now . I needed him because I really thought this would end me .

"I -no-" He shook his head and grimaced . "No, Dad, I don't want to 'listen'," he told me vehemently, his voice taut . "I want to know . Okay? I want to know where's Julius . I want to see him . Okay? I need to see him, Dad . And I want to know if you killed him-" he vomited out the words . "Because if so, please do me a favour, and kill me too . Because I'm done, Dad . I'm so done . "

I was floored to speechlessness as I stared at him with ashes for a heart . Flames . His words . His were flames that devoured my heart . "Augustus, please, boy, s-"

"Can't you see?!" His face reddened and contorted as his eyes welled up with tears . "Can't you see that I'm done with your performances? Why can't you relieve me, Dad? Why?"

"Son, please," I placed a hand on my chest . "Sit down next to me . Let us talk . " I was finding it hard to utter these words, to look into his accusing eyes, to breathe normally as he balled his hands into fists by his sides .

He then shook his head and laughed humorlessly . "Sit down?" He drew his eyebrows together and stared at me . "Sit down and watch you kill everyone I love? Are you-" He stopped to catch his breath . "Are you not aware of the atrocity of wh"

"Augustus!" I then bellowed firmly, helplessly, shutting him up as his blue irises swam in their ocean of tears .

"You killed him, didn't you?" He sniffled as his face reddened with immense grief . I don't think I've ever seen him that sad . "You killed Julius, didn't you?"

"What are you talking about, son? Why are you saying this?" I was blabbering anything irrelevant on my mind to distract me from the actual truth . The truth . The connection . My son's love to something I yanked emotion out of . My son was wasting his love on a lost cause of a 'brother' .

And then something clicked in me .

"You hate him!" He continued yelling . "So you killed him . " He then muttered softly, his tears rolling down his cheeks now .

"Why does it matter to you?" I clenched my jaws and decided that I couldn't watch my son fall into this . I wouldn't allow him to care for an apathetic creature I brought up .

He looked taken aback by my words . "I thought you'd already figured it out . Or need I state what must've been obvious?" He paused to watch my expressionless face . "I care about him, okay? I love him, Dad . And we are not enemies . Okay? And we shall never be as long as this Earth would bear my beating heart . "

"I thought," I was breathing hard now . "I thought I made it clear that he shouldn't be dealt with . That you should have nothing to do with him . " I was more angry than sad . In fact, I was disgusted by Augustus's unwise decisions always influenced by his d.a.m.n heart . So I was glaring at him . I was glaring at him, waiting for a 'viable' explanation .

Because even when Simon would report seeing Augustus with Julius, I'd ignore . I had faith in Augustus . I believed his loyalty lied with me . That he'd always listen to me . That he would be there, with him, to perhaps check if everything matched my preferences .

I hadn't thought they were bonding together . This mere thought brought a grimace over my lips .

"I do not need your permission on my actions!" He lashed out . "And I am not here to listen to your opinions about them either! I just want to know if you killed him, dammit!" He then stepped into the room and shut the door behind him .

Probably not to disturb the house staff .

"You are an amateur! Of course, you need my permission . " I pressed, getting to my feet and facing him, with still a fair distance between us though .

He puffed out a breath and brought a fist to his mouth . "Dad-" he swallowed hard . "I haven't been sleeping because of the nightmares I have in which you point a gun to his head . I haven't been living because all I do now is look for him-" His voice was shaky and I had to stop myself from throwing up from the mixture of emotions I felt .

Besides my disappointment at his utter recklessness, there was this unsettling feeling lurking around in the shadows of my heart . Because it hit me that he was defying me and raising his voice to defend his 'brother' . Which only translated to him loving his brother so much more than I could've ever imagined . So much more than his love for me .

So another thing clicked in me .

"He has been missing for three days!" He almost pulled his hair out, talking through his teeth . "And I am scared-" he almost whimpered . "-because I can't help him . I can't call the d.a.m.ned cops because it then hit me-" He sucked in his lower lip and frowned deeply . "It hit me that you could be the one behind this . And I wouldn't want to lose you-" Tears were staining his s.h.i.+rt now . "But it would get very tempting . And so here I am-" he paused to sniff loudly . "Here I am, asking you if it were you . Because I'll be calling the police . Because I'd rather not be the one to find his rotting corpse when I'm looking for him . I'd . Rather . Not even imagine-" He raised his eyebrows as if imagining the horror of such an occurrence and I immediately knew that I couldn't talk him out of this no matter what . The depth and immensity of his care were out of my league this time .

So I shut my eyes wearily and nodded slowly, thoughtfully . "I have a condition . "

Augustus's pulsing blues widened at my response as he stopped sniffling to actually study me . After a few beats of silence, he spoke . "A condition? For what?"

"For telling you about what happened to him . " I deliberately gave him a vague answer to drag him relentlessly into my plan B .

He remained quiet for five heartbeats, unblinking as he thought it through . "Right . Of course," he then managed to breathe out with a distant look in his eyes .

I looked down and smirked knowingly . "If he's dead, you shall not know anything about how or where or any of those details . You will not even-" I stopped to glance at his antic.i.p.ating face . "You will not even be informed about his funeral, burial, etc . After all, he was meant to be a stranger to you . "

I then averted my gaze up to him to see him gulp as a lone tear tumbled down his fluttering eyes . "Okay," was his broken response .

I continued, looking back down . "If he is alive, you will not attempt to find him, contact or ever talk to him again for all that matters . Because if that happens, I a.s.sure you he will die-" I looked up to him again to stare at his surprisingly vacant facial expression . "So?" I tilted my head and lifted a brow . "Do you want me to 'relieve' you?"

I thought it was a fairly good bargain . I even thought about lying to him and telling him that Julius died, but there was a chance that they might come intact in the future . And then I'd totally lose my son's trust . So making him choose was a wiser option .

His left eye twitched as his face paled . "Okay . "

I pressed a tight, unpleasant smile . "Are you sure? I am a man of my word . "

"I am a man of my word too," came his offhand response .

"Of course you are," I said . "You are my son . "

"Sure," he said emotionlessly . "Tell me now . "

I studied him more with narrowed eyes before sighing loudly . "He's alive . "

Augustus's eyes widened and his lips parted . He then blinked twice before releasing the tension from his shoulders and exhaling loudly, shutting his eyes . And just like that, a smile lit up his face . "He's alive . I knew it!" He seemed to whisper that to himself rea.s.suringly before snapping open his eyes .

I tried not to roll my eyes .

"I will kill him-" I started, drawing Augustus's attention back to me . "I will kill him if you ever try looking for him, Augustus . I swear on your mother's soul . " I made should I sounded dead serious as I watched his smile falter a bit . I even brought his mother in this to make it sound like a more authentic threat . "From now on, you know no Julius . "

He stared at me unblinking as I tried to understand the way he looked at me . I wanted to jump right in his thoughts and memories and handpick those that should stay and those that should go away . I wanted to protect him from them .

"That's not fair-" he then blurted out and I raised my eyebrows warningly . "He could be alive and on the verge of death . He might be getting tortured as we talk . I need more confirmation . I need to know if he's actually fine . Because I know he wouldn't just turn his back on me like this-" He was frowning now and subtly shaking his head . "There must be a genuine reason . A genuine bad reason . "

"What makes you think it's bad?"

"Because it's a.s.sociated with yo-" He blurted, but decided to stop a bit too late . He then cleared his throat and looked away as I chose to ignore . "Because I'm sure he wouldn't just leave me . . . hanging-" He was saying this like the very thought sounded too ridiculous to him .

So I decided to prove him the exact opposite .

"Oh, sure he did," I smirked devilishly . "He's currently having the time of his life with his 'lover' . "

Augustus furrowed his eyebrows and almost looked repelled . "Lover? What lover?"

I tsked and shrugged . "That's why I didn't want to tell you . In the beginning-" I feigned pity . "Because I knew you'd be heartbroken when you know-"

I tsked and shrugged . "That's why I didn't want to tell you . In the beginning-" I feigned pity . "Because I knew you'd be heartbroken when you know-"

His eyebrows plunged even more as he studied me . "Know what? You're not making sense . "

I sighed heavily, looked down, then back up at him with a sympathetic smile . "Julius . " I shook my head . "He fled away with his blind girl-" I said smoothly . "That was why I was confused in the beginning-" I shrugged helplessly . "I thought he had told you . I thought he told you not to look for him . I thought you knew . "

---

Samantha's POV .

I didn't know where to keep my shaky fingers .

I didn't know whether I should curl them into fists or hide them in my pockets .

I didn't know what to do with them and it irritated me so much until the sound of a gunshot startled me back to reality . Reality in which my brother shot a beautiful pheasant dead . And now it came tumbling down several meters from the clear, azure sky before it landed softly on the gra.s.s, a few metres away from us .

I brought my fingers to my mouth and grazed them with my front teeth as I observed Maxime reload his shotgun with a dark smile and walk toward the dead bird . He then decided to shoot it twice, again, leaving me staring at the blood splattered on the green blades of the glistening gra.s.s .

And I, bless me, did nothing but stare, despite the overwhelming sickness that evaded my senses . Did nothing but blink back some tears that were triggered by my brother's actions . Because it seemed so wrong . It seemed wrong that I was trying to escape the miserable clutches that death had imposed, only to live to see it happen in front of me .

A dead pheasant saddened my soul and melted my eyes into ridiculous tears .

So I almost gasped when I watched Maxime's heavy boots step on its dead body and squeeze it to a mush . I might've heard a bone or two break .

He then walked back and stood next to me, tall and straight in slim-fitted black pants and a full-sleeved, v-necked, black s.h.i.+rt that exposed a brown-leather necklace . His dark-brown hair was unkempt but kept away from his eyes by some sort of band . And I daren't flinch as I watched him smile genuinely after the hard days he'd had .

He was starting to raise his shotgun again when I thoughtlessly stopped him by touching his arm . "I want to go . " I found myself saying .

He lowered his shotgun and turned his head to me quickly . He then stared at me as my eyes scanned everything except for him . The exceptionally bright sun . The tall gra.s.s . The gamekeeper watching us from a distance while smoking a cigarette . My own faded jeans and plain, grey s.h.i.+rt . I even picked on a loose thread before his voice snapped me back to him .

Why was I acting afraid of him? Why couldn't I look in his metallic eyes? I needed to take a deep breath and stop being stupid . I needed to look in his eyes and see him smile like everything's okay . I needed his smile to prove to that I was overreacting .

So I looked up . I looked up in hope .

"Why?" He was asking me surprisedly . "Aren't you enjoying your time?" He c.o.c.ked an eyebrow at me and I hesitated to answer, but he continued . "Leonard loved watching me do this . " He tipped his head toward the sky . He then looked down with a sincere smile . "He even asked me to teach him . And I did . "

My lips were parted slightly as sentences, no -paragraphs formed in my head before breaking down at the last minute into meaningless, drifting words in my heads.p.a.ce . I realized I had lost the string that held them together to convey something important that, blimey, I couldn't quite remember when I looked in his eerily calm eyes . But it was very important, I thought . I had to find the string, I thought . I needed to fight my fear .

"No . " So that was what I ended up saying with a shaky breath .

"No, what?" He pressed, feigning curiosity and I shook my head subtly as I tried to smile .

I failed .

"I -uh- just feel sick today . " And I wasn't completely lying . I did feel sick . What he was doing now made me feel sick . Pressing the stale blood out of triple-shot, dead pheasants . I even thought it was illegal and that my brother was just breaking a law . But it wasn't . And he wasn't breaking any law .

But no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that this was 'okay', I just couldn't . Just about five days of having Leonard die in his own arms, he decided to go bird-shooting . I tried to convince myself that this was normal . I tried to convince myself that hearing him cry to sleep at night made sense and complimented his actions .

But his contradictory actions scared me . They made no sense to me . They were ambiguous . Creepy .

I noticed him study me with a heavy gaze . "Maybe, you're just bored," was what he said with a slight shrug . "Do you want to try?"

My heart caught in my throat and I was about to shake my head no-no-no when he shoved the shotgun in my arms . "No, Maxime . I do not . "

But he was already roughly, tightening my hands around the gun .

"Maxime!" I snapped, no longer capable of handling his obscure actions, as he looked up at me with darkened eyes .

"It's very easy . " His voice was unnaturally flat, I thought as he stepped closer to me unblinking .

"It's very easy . " His voice was unnaturally flat, I thought as he stepped closer to me unblinking .

"I do not want to do this!" I was frowning at him and glaring at his hands that forced my hold around the gun .

"But you should try . " He was tilting his head and tightening his hold around my hands .

"Stop it, Maxime!" My eyes widened as his hold started to hurt me . "You're hurting me!"

"No, I'm not . I'm not hurting you-" He scoffed, looking almost offended . "I'm trying to teach you what Leon-" His voice was so soft, but I was so repulsed .

"I am not Leonard!" I blurted, ignoring the raging, grey oceans in his eyes that seemed to still immediately after my statement .

"Of course you're not . " His lips were slightly parted as he subtly shook his head .

"Then act like it!" I was beyond weirded out by his actions as he just nodded at me . "And let go of me!"

His eyes dropped to his hands robotically . He let go of my hands and I winced . I then chucked the shotgun from my hand furiously to the ground . "I am feeling sick . When you're done," I said pointing at the sky in disgust . "-mourning your brother, come and find me . "

His eyes widened and his jaw dropped at my actions, but he did nothing to stop me from running away from him .

---

I was standing in front of the same scary window .

The one that reminded me of blindness . I was staring out of it, but this time I could see what was outside . It wasn't dark yet and I was silently staring at a lot of dark-green treetops as I wondered about so many things . Thought of so many people . Amanda . Bianca . Mom . Dad . Leonard . Maxime . And Julius .

Julius . It had been three days since I talked to him . Three days while we waited for some action from his father's side . Three days that proved Julius right . Maybe, his father wasn't coming after all . Then I thought of how angry he'd be that he was doing nothing, but staring at empty walls and breathing rusty air .

"I'm sorry . " His voice was heavy with sincerity, but I didn't turn to him . I didn't want to . "I shouldn't have pushed you like this . " He continued with a shaky voice and my lips parted at its intensity . "I can't believe-" He was panting . "I'm so sorry, Sam, please . " The desperation in his voice were arms that pulled my shoulders so that I could face him .

His hands were caught in his hair and his eyes were wide and bloodshot . He then dropped his hands, bringing a cascade of dark hair over his eyes as he puffed out a heavy breath . He looked at me with the saddest eyes ever . I almost winced at the grief they carried as life companions .

"I don't even know what I'm doing . I just had it really hard . " His voice thickened with emotion . "You have no idea what we've been through, Sam . You really don't . " He was frowning deeply and I sighed softly at his dest.i.tute condition .

"I told you I was there for you, Max," I whispered quietly as I looked down at my fumbling fingers . "He wasn't only your brother . He was mine too . " I fixed him with my eyes as I noticed the heavy movement of his chest . "You need to remember I've had it hard too . I lost so many things in the process . You know . " I watched his throat move as he stared at me in a trance . "I get to lose him after I just saw him after eight years, Max . Hope broke my heart just again . "

"I -uh-" He squeezed shut his eyes, cleared his throat and licked lips . "Grief . It blurs my judgement sometimes . " He opened his gla.s.sy, rock-grey eyes . "I'm so sorry . Samantha, please . "

I sighed heavily and bit my lower lip . "And I'm sorry for getting mad at you . "

He shook his head as his face screwed up . "No," he breathed . "I don't mind it at all . In fact, you should keep doing that . Your anger was a slap back to reality . " He nodded at me with a slight pout . "I'm afraid I lose sense of mys-"

And I couldn't hear him complain about his pain any longer . It was all just so miserable and painful . It made me wonder when would we get over Leonard's death . And when would everything return to normal . And how .

"You'll avenge his death . " I found myself approaching him . I stopped when we were a few inches apart and stared at his deathly pale face, his shaky hands and dirty nails .

Maxime sniffed loudly, looked down and nodded . "We have to, Sammy-" His voice was barely an audible whisper that melted the s.h.i.+eld I'd put up around my heart . "We have to-" he repeated, tilted back his head and cleared his throat . He then looked down and captured my welcoming eyes . "We have to kill Julius . You have to kill him . "

He then dropped his head and took my lungs with it as I froze .

I stared at his bowed head and messy hair unblinking as my heart tumbled away from my rib cage's clutches . And I started questioning my hearing and my voice . Why wasn't I screaming at what he was saying? Why wasn't I saying no-no-no-no and I can't-I can't-I can't?

My voice, I realized, nowadays, loved playing hide-and-seek with me . It was never there when I needed it most .

"I thought we were over this . " My voice was brittle . It was delicate gla.s.s waiting for a wrong push from my vocal cords to break and shatter and fracture . So I cleared my throat .

He raised his head slowly and looked at me with weary, watery eyes . "I changed my mind . " He was impossibly sad saying those dark, dark, bad things . I thought he'd be laughing this villainy, scary laugh that I hear in movies . But no . He was crying . He was a.s.sociating this darkness with his grief over Leonard . "I will not kill his father . "

I tried to smile . I swear I tried because I wanted to show him that I thought he was being ridiculous . But the cras.h.i.+ng waves that were caught under his irises, greyed the bluest of oceans . He was being absolutely serious .
He raised his head slowly and looked at me with weary, watery eyes . "I changed my mind . " He was impossibly sad saying those dark, dark, bad things . I thought he'd be laughing this villainy, scary laugh that I hear in movies . But no . He was crying . He was a.s.sociating this darkness with his grief over Leonard . "I will not kill his father . "

I tried to smile . I swear I tried because I wanted to show him that I thought he was being ridiculous . But the cras.h.i.+ng waves that were caught under his irises, greyed the bluest of oceans . He was being absolutely serious .

"I want you-" he panted . "-to kill him . " He paused to check me with his sad, dark eyes . "In front of his father . " His throat moved and his voice hardened . "I want his father to suffer . Killing him would just be a gift . "

And I thought I was drowning because there was no apparent way out of his blackholes for eyes . I couldn't think of something to say . Because I was too busy imagining myself pull the gun's trigger at Julius's head . I imagined the disappointed look he had in his -oh lord- beautiful emeralds . I imagined him shaking his head and not fighting me . I imagined him not try stopping me even with his sometimes lethal words . I imagined his virid eyes -oh, such a waste- rolling to the back of his head before he dropped dead .

I curled my shaky fingers into shaky fists . It was terrifying . "Maybe-" I took a deep shaky breath . "Maybe, you should kill him instead . "

He raised his eyebrows as a hint of something ominous flitted into and out of his eyes . He then decided to ask me a question . "Do you want him to have an easy death or a tough one?"

"An easy one," I answered almost instantly and I had to bring a hand over my mouth . But Maxime seemed least concerned as he continued with the same flat tone .

"Then you should kill him . " He shrugged gently and I gaped at him incredulously .

"That's not easy . " The words tumbled out of my mouth as a sharp realization hit me .

I was here . Standing . In front of my brother and discussing how I'll kill a human . I was negotiating . Bargaining . Compromising . I was telling him that him having an easy death was okay with me .

I was not breathing right today .

"Well, easier than me . " He said, averting his gaze from me and I shook my head .

"Maxime . " I finally breathed . "Maybe his father won't come . Julius said so . And it has been three days . "

Maxime diverted his gaze back to me with curiosity and I had to breathe again . "I thought I'd give him five days . " He said thoughtfully . "Do you think it's too much?"

My lips floated around for a while as I tried thinking of words to say . Letters to spell . Because this momentary silence was overwhelming . It made me want to throw up the meagre contents of my stomach in Maxime's face .

"I think it's too much too . " He finally continued, nodding at nothing in particular . "I think you should ask him-" He diverted his gaze to me as he rubbed his chin with his hand . "Ask him how to lure his father faster . Ask him about his father's weakness . " His eyes lit up at his words and I was already shaking my head .

"No . " I breathed and his head snapped to me . "He won't tell me," I added hesitantly as Maxime studied me with a smirk . I then narrowed my eyes at him . "He's not dumb . "

"Use your charm . " He smiled widely . "Like when you kidnap-"

"Absolutely not . " I snapped at him instantly and loudly, surprising both of us .

He raised his eyebrows . "Be careful with the tone you're using, sister . " His voice was sharp and eyes unwavering as they glued me to place . "Anyone might think you're defending him . "

"Defending him?" I scoffed, irritated by his words . "Do you have absolutely no concern about your sister dressing up and pretending like a little, tiny harlot?" I frowned deeply and held my hips .

His lips were fighting a smirk and my breathing fastened in anger as my hands curled into hard fists .

"Seriously?" I shook my head angrily at him, my voice taut and my chest tight . "You have no problem with this?"

He shrugged a shoulder, c.o.c.ked a brow and stared right in my eyes . "Well, correct me if I'm wrong . " He licked his lower lip once and scoffed . "You didn't have a problem with it the first tim-"

I slapped him . And I loved it . It felt so good to release all the anger that heaved down my body and arms .

I wasn't his doll .

He looked up at me and breathed through his nose . And, oh, I loved how my hand marked his face .

"You don't get to speak with me in this manner!" I yelled as his eyes captured mine, then dropped to the ground . "Leonard is dead! You lost him to terrible people . And you have someone to blame . But I'm alive! You'll lose me to yourself . And you wouldn't have anyone to blame but yourself!" I was shaking uncontrollably now . "Try living with that!" I spat out the words and he still wouldn't look at me as he breathed heavily . "Be careful, brother-" I imitated his revolting style . "-I'm not as daft as you hoped I was . "

Anger was a rope tied around my neck, pulling and pulling and pulling me out of my comfort, peaceful zone into this redness that I failed to ignore this time . I turned to leave but felt his clutch on my wrist . With tremendous force, I shook his hand off me with a grimace .

"Don't . " I glared at his shocked facial expression . "And I'll deal with Julius my way," I spat at him and left . Alexanders POV . Augustus s.h.i.+fted under my scrutinizing gaze as I awaited an answer . Yes, he whispered . Julius . Why had he come to his mind and why had it affected him so much was beyond my comprehension . So I naturally inquired . Why? Im . confused . Why? He studied me in disbelief . He then straightened his back, cleared his throat and pursed his lips . I want to -uh- know- He looked down, shrugged a shoulder and lifted his eyebrows . h.e.l.l, I need to know . He then lifted his head and quickly licked his lower lip as his eyes surveyed the whole room before landing back on me . Anyone could see right through his act of nonchalance . He was unnerved, jumpy and sleep-deprived . He sucked at acting . Im still thoroughly confused . Augustus exhaled loudly in response and ran both his hands in his hair, grabbing a bunch in each hand, before dropping his arms by his sides and shutting his eyes . Why is everything so difficult with you? His voice was strangled yet sharp and I couldnt help but frown at the anger that impregnated it . And I thought that perhaps all that anger was harboured within him for too long . And that now was the time it made an appearance . Augus- G.o.ddammit! He yelled completely losing his composure . G.o.ddammit! Is this even normal?! He bellowed, waving his arms toward me haphazardly . Is it normal to ask you if you have killed every d.a.m.n person I care about?! was what he screamed in my face . Is it normal to experience heart b.l.o.o.d.y fractures from your own father?! The person you thought cared about you the most? And I thought that G.o.d, yes, this was it . Another heart attack . Another one ripping and tearing my heart into snippets . Here was it in a form called Augustus . Son, no, list- I started weakly, my heart thrumming dangerously in my chest . And I thought that, yes, I needed Colin (my nurse) now . Right now . I needed him because I really thought this would end me . I -no- He shook his head and grimaced . No, Dad, I dont want to listen, he told me vehemently, his voice taut . I want to know . Okay? I want to know wheres Julius . I want to see him . Okay? I need to see him, Dad . And I want to know if you killed him- he vomited out the words . Because if so, please do me a favour, and kill me too . Because Im done, Dad . Im so done . I was floored to speechlessness as I stared at him with ashes for a heart . Flames . His words . His were flames that devoured my heart . Augustus, please, boy, s- Cant you see?! His face reddened and contorted as his eyes welled up with tears . Cant you see that Im done with your performances? Why cant you relieve me, Dad? Why? Son, please, I placed a hand on my chest . Sit down next to me . Let us talk . I was finding it hard to utter these words, to look into his accusing eyes, to breathe normally as he balled his hands into fists by his sides . He then shook his head and laughed humorlessly . Sit down? He drew his eyebrows together and stared at me . Sit down and watch you kill everyone I love? Are you- He stopped to catch his breath . Are you not aware of the atrocity of wh Augustus! I then bellowed firmly, helplessly, shutting him up as his blue irises swam in their ocean of tears . You killed him, didnt you? He sniffled as his face reddened with immense grief . I dont think Ive ever seen him that sad . You killed Julius, didnt you? What are you talking about, son? Why are you saying this? I was blabbering anything irrelevant on my mind to distract me from the actual truth . The truth . The connection . My sons love to something I yanked emotion out of . My son was wasting his love on a lost cause of a brother . And then something clicked in me . You hate him! He continued yelling . So you killed him . He then muttered softly, his tears rolling down his cheeks now . Why does it matter to you? I clenched my jaws and decided that I couldnt watch my son fall into this . I wouldnt allow him to care for an apathetic creature I brought up . He looked taken aback by my words . I thought youd already figured it out . Or need I state what mustve been obvious? He paused to watch my expressionless face . I care about him, okay? I love him, Dad . And we are not enemies . Okay? And we shall never be as long as this Earth would bear my beating heart . I thought, I was breathing hard now . I thought I made it clear that he shouldnt be dealt with . That you should have nothing to do with him . I was more angry than sad . In fact, I was disgusted by Augustuss unwise decisions always influenced by his d.a.m.n heart . So I was glaring at him . I was glaring at him, waiting for a viable explanation . Because even when Simon would report seeing Augustus with Julius, Id ignore . I had faith in Augustus . I believed his loyalty lied with me . That hed always listen to me . That he would be there, with him, to perhaps check if everything matched my preferences . I hadnt thought they were bonding together . This mere thought brought a grimace over my lips . I do not need your permission on my actions! He lashed out . And I am not here to listen to your opinions about them either! I just want to know if you killed him, dammit! He then stepped into the room and shut the door behind him . Probably not to disturb the house staff . You are an amateur! Of course, you need my permission . I pressed, getting to my feet and facing him, with still a fair distance between us though . He puffed out a breath and brought a fist to his mouth . Dad- he swallowed hard . I havent been sleeping because of the nightmares I have in which you point a gun to his head . I havent been living because all I do now is look for him- His voice was shaky and I had to stop myself from throwing up from the mixture of emotions I felt . Besides my disappointment at his utter recklessness, there was this unsettling feeling lurking around in the shadows of my heart . Because it hit me that he was defying me and raising his voice to defend his brother . Which only translated to him loving his brother so much more than I couldve ever imagined . So much more than his love for me . So another thing clicked in me . He has been missing for three days! He almost pulled his hair out, talking through his teeth . And I am scared- he almost whimpered . -because I cant help him . I cant call the d.a.m.ned cops because it then hit me- He sucked in his lower lip and frowned deeply . It hit me that you could be the one behind this . And I wouldnt want to lose you- Tears were staining his s.h.i.+rt now . But it would get very tempting . And so here I am- he paused to sniff loudly . Here I am, asking you if it were you . Because Ill be calling the police . Because Id rather not be the one to find his rotting corpse when Im looking for him . Id . Rather . Not even imagine- He raised his eyebrows as if imagining the horror of such an occurrence and I immediately knew that I couldnt talk him out of this no matter what . The depth and immensity of his care were out of my league this time . So I shut my eyes wearily and nodded slowly, thoughtfully . I have a condition . Augustuss pulsing blues widened at my response as he stopped sniffling to actually study me . After a few beats of silence, he spoke . A condition? For what? For telling you about what happened to him . I deliberately gave him a vague answer to drag him relentlessly into my plan B . He remained quiet for five heartbeats, unblinking as he thought it through . Right . Of course, he then managed to breathe out with a distant look in his eyes . I looked down and smirked knowingly . If hes dead, you shall not know anything about how or where or any of those details . You will not even- I stopped to glance at his antic.i.p.ating face . You will not even be informed about his funeral, burial, etc . After all, he was meant to be a stranger to you . I then averted my gaze up to him to see him gulp as a lone tear tumbled down his fluttering eyes . Okay, was his broken response . I continued, looking back down . If he is alive, you will not attempt to find him, contact or ever talk to him again for all that matters . Because if that happens, I a.s.sure you he will die- I looked up to him again to stare at his surprisingly vacant facial expression . So? I tilted my head and lifted a brow . Do you want me to relieve you? I thought it was a fairly good bargain . I even thought about lying to him and telling him that Julius died, but there was a chance that they might come intact in the future . And then Id totally lose my sons trust . So making him choose was a wiser option . His left eye twitched as his face paled . Okay . I pressed a tight, unpleasant smile . Are you sure? I am a man of my word . I am a man of my word too, came his offhand response . Of course you are, I said . You are my son . Sure, he said emotionlessly . Tell me now . I studied him more with narrowed eyes before sighing loudly . Hes alive . Augustuss eyes widened and his lips parted . He then blinked twice before releasing the tension from his shoulders and exhaling loudly, shutting his eyes . And just like that, a smile lit up his face . Hes alive . I knew it! He seemed to whisper that to himself rea.s.suringly before snapping open his eyes . I tried not to roll my eyes . I will kill him- I started, drawing Augustuss attention back to me . I will kill him if you ever try looking for him, Augustus . I swear on your mothers soul . I made should I sounded dead serious as I watched his smile falter a bit . I even brought his mother in this to make it sound like a more authentic threat . From now on, you know no Julius . He stared at me unblinking as I tried to understand the way he looked at me . I wanted to jump right in his thoughts and memories and handpick those that should stay and those that should go away . I wanted to protect him from them . Thats not fair- he then blurted out and I raised my eyebrows warningly . He could be alive and on the verge of death . He might be getting tortured as we talk . I need more confirmation . I need to know if hes actually fine . Because I know he wouldnt just turn his back on me like this- He was frowning now and subtly shaking his head . There must be a genuine reason . A genuine bad reason . What makes you think its bad? Because its a.s.sociated with yo- He blurted, but decided to stop a bit too late . He then cleared his throat and looked away as I chose to ignore . Because Im sure he wouldnt just leave me . hanging- He was saying this like the very thought sounded too ridiculous to him . So I decided to prove him the exact opposite . Oh, sure he did, I smirked devilishly . Hes currently having the time of his life with his lover . Augustus furrowed his eyebrows and almost looked repelled . Lover? What lover? I tsked and shrugged . Thats why I didnt want to tell you . In the beginning- I feigned pity . Because I knew youd be heartbroken when you know- His eyebrows plunged even more as he studied me . Know what? Youre not making sense . I sighed heavily, looked down, then back up at him with a sympathetic smile . Julius . I shook my head . He fled away with his blind girl- I said smoothly . That was why I was confused in the beginning- I shrugged helplessly . I thought he had told you . I thought he told you not to look for him . I thought you knew . --- Samanthas POV . I didnt know where to keep my shaky fingers . I didnt know whether I should curl them into fists or hide them in my pockets . I didnt know what to do with them and it irritated me so much until the sound of a gunshot startled me back to reality . Reality in which my brother shot a beautiful pheasant dead . And now it came tumbling down several meters from the clear, azure sky before it landed softly on the gra.s.s, a few metres away from us . I brought my fingers to my mouth and grazed them with my front teeth as I observed Maxime reload his shotgun with a dark smile and walk toward the dead bird . He then decided to shoot it twice, again, leaving me staring at the blood splattered on the green blades of the glistening gra.s.s . And I, bless me, did nothing but stare, despite the overwhelming sickness that evaded my senses . Did nothing but blink back some tears that were triggered by my brothers actions . Because it seemed so wrong . It seemed wrong that I was trying to escape the miserable clutches that death had imposed, only to live to see it happen in front of me . A dead pheasant saddened my soul and melted my eyes into ridiculous tears . So I almost gasped when I watched Maximes heavy boots step on its dead body and squeeze it to a mush . I mightve heard a bone or two break . He then walked back and stood next to me, tall and straight in slim-fitted black pants and a full-sleeved, v-necked, black s.h.i.+rt that exposed a brown-leather necklace . His dark-brown hair was unkempt but kept away from his eyes by some sort of band . And I darent flinch as I watched him smile genuinely after the hard days hed had . He was starting to raise his shotgun again when I thoughtlessly stopped him by touching his arm . I want to go . I found myself saying . He lowered his shotgun and turned his head to me quickly . He then stared at me as my eyes scanned everything except for him . The exceptionally bright sun . The tall gra.s.s . The gamekeeper watching us from a distance while smoking a cigarette . My own faded jeans and plain, grey s.h.i.+rt . I even picked on a loose thread before his voice snapped me back to him . Why was I acting afraid of him? Why couldnt I look in his metallic eyes? I needed to take a deep breath and stop being stupid . I needed to look in his eyes and see him smile like everythings okay . I needed his smile to prove to that I was overreacting . So I looked up . I looked up in hope . Why? He was asking me surprisedly . Arent you enjoying your time? He c.o.c.ked an eyebrow at me and I hesitated to answer, but he continued . Leonard loved watching me do this . He tipped his head toward the sky . He then looked down with a sincere smile . He even asked me to teach him . And I did . My lips were parted slightly as sentences, no -paragraphs formed in my head before breaking down at the last minute into meaningless, drifting words in my heads.p.a.ce . I realized I had lost the string that held them together to convey something important that, blimey, I couldnt quite remember when I looked in his eerily calm eyes . But it was very important, I thought . I had to find the string, I thought . I needed to fight my fear . No . So that was what I ended up saying with a shaky breath . No, what? He pressed, feigning curiosity and I shook my head subtly as I tried to smile . I failed . I -uh- just feel sick today . And I wasnt completely lying . I did feel sick . What he was doing now made me feel sick . Pressing the stale blood out of triple-shot, dead pheasants . I even thought it was illegal and that my brother was just breaking a law . But it wasnt . And he wasnt breaking any law . But no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that this was okay, I just couldnt . Just about five days of having Leonard die in his own arms, he decided to go bird-shooting . I tried to convince myself that this was normal . I tried to convince myself that hearing him cry to sleep at night made sense and complimented his actions . But his contradictory actions scared me . They made no sense to me . They were ambiguous . Creepy . I noticed him study me with a heavy gaze . Maybe, youre just bored, was what he said with a slight shrug . Do you want to try? My heart caught in my throat and I was about to shake my head no-no-no when he shoved the shotgun in my arms . No, Maxime . I do not . But he was already roughly, tightening my hands around the gun . Maxime! I snapped, no longer capable of handling his obscure actions, as he looked up at me with darkened eyes . Its very easy . His voice was unnaturally flat, I thought as he stepped closer to me unblinking . I do not want to do this! I was frowning at him and glaring at his hands that forced my hold around the gun . But you should try . He was tilting his head and tightening his hold around my hands . Stop it, Maxime! My eyes widened as his hold started to hurt me . Youre hurting me! No, Im not . Im not hurting you- He scoffed, looking almost offended . Im trying to teach you what Leon- His voice was so soft, but I was so repulsed . I am not Leonard! I blurted, ignoring the raging, grey oceans in his eyes that seemed to still immediately after my statement . Of course youre not . His lips were slightly parted as he subtly shook his head . Then act like it! I was beyond weirded out by his actions as he just nodded at me . And let go of me! His eyes dropped to his hands robotically . He let go of my hands and I winced . I then chucked the shotgun from my hand furiously to the ground . I am feeling sick . When youre done, I said pointing at the sky in disgust . -mourning your brother, come and find me . His eyes widened and his jaw dropped at my actions, but he did nothing to stop me from running away from him . --- I was standing in front of the same scary window . The one that reminded me of blindness . I was staring out of it, but this time I could see what was outside . It wasnt dark yet and I was silently staring at a lot of dark-green treetops as I wondered about so many things . Thought of so many people . Amanda . Bianca . Mom . Dad . Leonard . Maxime . And Julius . Julius . It had been three days since I talked to him . Three days while we waited for some action from his fathers side . Three days that proved Julius right . Maybe, his father wasnt coming after all . Then I thought of how angry hed be that he was doing nothing, but staring at empty walls and breathing rusty air . Im sorry . His voice was heavy with sincerity, but I didnt turn to him . I didnt want to . I shouldnt have pushed you like this . He continued with a shaky voice and my lips parted at its intensity . I cant believe- He was panting . Im so sorry, Sam, please . The desperation in his voice were arms that pulled my shoulders so that I could face him . His hands were caught in his hair and his eyes were wide and bloodshot . He then dropped his hands, bringing a cascade of dark hair over his eyes as he puffed out a heavy breath . He looked at me with the saddest eyes ever . I almost winced at the grief they carried as life companions . I dont even know what Im doing . I just had it really hard . His voice thickened with emotion . You have no idea what weve been through, Sam . You really dont . He was frowning deeply and I sighed softly at his dest.i.tute condition . I told you I was there for you, Max, I whispered quietly as I looked down at my fumbling fingers . He wasnt only your brother . He was mine too . I fixed him with my eyes as I noticed the heavy movement of his chest . You need to remember Ive had it hard too . I lost so many things in the process . You know . I watched his throat move as he stared at me in a trance . I get to lose him after I just saw him after eight years, Max . Hope broke my heart just again . I -uh- He squeezed shut his eyes, cleared his throat and licked lips . Grief . It blurs my judgement sometimes . He opened his gla.s.sy, rock-grey eyes . Im so sorry . Samantha, please . I sighed heavily and bit my lower lip . And Im sorry for getting mad at you . He shook his head as his face screwed up . No, he breathed . I dont mind it at all . In fact, you should keep doing that . Your anger was a slap back to reality . He nodded at me with a slight pout . Im afraid I lose sense of mys- And I couldnt hear him complain about his pain any longer . It was all just so miserable and painful . It made me wonder when would we get over Leonards death . And when would everything return to normal . And how . Youll avenge his death . I found myself approaching him . I stopped when we were a few inches apart and stared at his deathly pale face, his shaky hands and dirty nails . Maxime sniffed loudly, looked down and nodded . We have to, Sammy- His voice was barely an audible whisper that melted the s.h.i.+eld Id put up around my heart . We have to- he repeated, tilted back his head and cleared his throat . He then looked down and captured my welcoming eyes . We have to kill Julius . You have to kill him . He then dropped his head and took my lungs with it as I froze . I stared at his bowed head and messy hair unblinking as my heart tumbled away from my rib cages clutches . And I started questioning my hearing and my voice . Why wasnt I screaming at what he was saying? Why wasnt I saying no-no-no-no and I cant-I cant-I cant? My voice, I realized, nowadays, loved playing hide-and-seek with me . It was never there when I needed it most . I thought we were over this . My voice was brittle . It was delicate gla.s.s waiting for a wrong push from my vocal cords to break and shatter and fracture . So I cleared my throat . He raised his head slowly and looked at me with weary, watery eyes . I changed my mind . He was impossibly sad saying those dark, dark, bad things . I thought hed be laughing this villainy, scary laugh that I hear in movies . But no . He was crying . He was a.s.sociating this darkness with his grief over Leonard . I will not kill his father . I tried to smile . I swear I tried because I wanted to show him that I thought he was being ridiculous . But the cras.h.i.+ng waves that were caught under his irises, greyed the bluest of oceans . He was being absolutely serious . I want you- he panted . -to kill him . He paused to check me with his sad, dark eyes . In front of his father . His throat moved and his voice hardened . I want his father to suffer . Killing him would just be a gift . And I thought I was drowning because there was no apparent way out of his blackholes for eyes . I couldnt think of something to say . Because I was too busy imagining myself pull the guns trigger at Juliuss head . I imagined the disappointed look he had in his -oh lord- beautiful emeralds . I imagined him shaking his head and not fighting me . I imagined him not try stopping me even with his sometimes lethal words . I imagined his virid eyes -oh, such a waste- rolling to the back of his head before he dropped dead . I curled my shaky fingers into shaky fists . It was terrifying . Maybe- I took a deep shaky breath . Maybe, you should kill him instead . He raised his eyebrows as a hint of something ominous flitted into and out of his eyes . He then decided to ask me a question . Do you want him to have an easy death or a tough one? An easy one, I answered almost instantly and I had to bring a hand over my mouth . But Maxime seemed least concerned as he continued with the same flat tone . Then you should kill him . He shrugged gently and I gaped at him incredulously . Thats not easy . The words tumbled out of my mouth as a sharp realization hit me . I was here . Standing . In front of my brother and discussing how Ill kill a human . I was negotiating . Bargaining . Compromising . I was telling him that him having an easy death was okay with me . I was not breathing right today . Well, easier than me . He said, averting his gaze from me and I shook my head . Maxime . I finally breathed . Maybe his father wont come . Julius said so . And it has been three days . Maxime diverted his gaze back to me with curiosity and I had to breathe again . I thought Id give him five days . He said thoughtfully . Do you think its too much? My lips floated around for a while as I tried thinking of words to say . Letters to spell . Because this momentary silence was overwhelming . It made me want to throw up the meagre contents of my stomach in Maximes face . I think its too much too . He finally continued, nodding at nothing in particular . I think you should ask him- He diverted his gaze to me as he rubbed his chin with his hand . Ask him how to lure his father faster . Ask him about his fathers weakness . His eyes lit up at his words and I was already shaking my head . No . I breathed and his head snapped to me . He wont tell me, I added hesitantly as Maxime studied me with a smirk . I then narrowed my eyes at him . Hes not dumb . Use your charm . He smiled widely . Like when you kidnap- Absolutely not . I snapped at him instantly and loudly, surprising both of us . He raised his eyebrows . Be careful with the tone youre using, sister . His voice was sharp and eyes unwavering as they glued me to place . Anyone might think youre defending him . Defending him? I scoffed, irritated by his words . Do you have absolutely no concern about your sister dressing up and pretending like a little, tiny harlot? I frowned deeply and held my hips . His lips were fighting a smirk and my breathing fastened in anger as my hands curled into hard fists . Seriously? I shook my head angrily at him, my voice taut and my chest tight . You have no problem with this? He shrugged a shoulder, c.o.c.ked a brow and stared right in my eyes . Well, correct me if Im wrong . He licked his lower lip once and scoffed . You didnt have a problem with it the first tim- I slapped him . And I loved it . It felt so good to release all the anger that heaved down my body and arms . I wasnt his doll . He looked up at me and breathed through his nose . And, oh, I loved how my hand marked his face . You dont get to speak with me in this manner! I yelled as his eyes captured mine, then dropped to the ground . Leonard is dead! You lost him to terrible people . And you have someone to blame . But Im alive! Youll lose me to yourself . And you wouldnt have anyone to blame but yourself! I was shaking uncontrollably now . Try living with that! I spat out the words and he still wouldnt look at me as he breathed heavily . Be careful, brother- I imitated his revolting style . -Im not as daft as you hoped I was . Anger was a rope tied around my neck, pulling and pulling and pulling me out of my comfort, peaceful zone into this redness that I failed to ignore this time . I turned to leave but felt his clutch on my wrist . With tremendous force, I shook his hand off me with a grimace . Dont . I glared at his shocked facial expression . And Ill deal with Julius my way, I spat at him and left .