Literary Byways Part 20

"Sir,--Your bill having been standing a very long time, I beg to have it settled forthwith.

Yours, etc., J. Thwaites."

Said the comedian in reply:--

"Sir,--When your bill is tired of _standing_, it is welcome to sit down.

Yours, etc., T. H. M."

The next letters pa.s.sed between Samuel Foote, the famous actor, and his unfortunate mother:--

"Dear Sam,--I am in prison for debt; come and a.s.sist your loving mother,

E. Foote."

His answer was almost as brief, certainly as pathetic:--

"Dear Mother,--So am I, which prevents his duty being paid to his loving mother by her affectionate son.

Sam Foote."

"P.S.--I have sent my attorney to a.s.sist you; in the meantime let us hope for better days."

Quin had a misunderstanding with Rich, the manager of Covent Garden Theatre, which resulted in the former leaving in an unceremonious manner.

He soon regretted the step that he had taken, and wrote to his old friend and manager:--

"I am at Bath.

Quin."

Rich did not deem such a letter a sufficient apology for his unwarrantable conduct, and thus replied to it:--

"Stay there and be hanged.

Rich."

The Rev. Sydney Smith, in answer to a friend who had forwarded a letter asking him to sit for his portrait, to be executed by Landseer, the gifted painter, whose pictures of dogs made him famous, sent the following reply:--

"Is thy servant a dog that he should do this thing?"

Genial Charles Lamb wrote an amusing letter to Haydon, the artist, in answer to an invitation to pay him a visit. The odd address of Haydon was the cause of the note, which ran as follows:--

"My dear Haydon,--I will come, with pleasure, to 22, Lisson Grove, North, at Rossi's, half-way up, right hand side, if I can find it.

Yours, C. Lamb."

"20, Russell Court, Covent Garden, East, Half-way up, next the corner, Left-hand side."

A lady named Morris, of Plymouth, is recorded to have been the first of her s.e.x to venture under water in a diving bell.

She had wit as well as courage, and wrote to her father a rhyming epistle, saying:--

"From a belle, my dear father, you've oft had a line, But not from a bell under water; Just now I can only a.s.sure you I'm thine, Your diving and dutiful daughter."

Frank Smedley, the author of "Frank Fairleigh," addressed to a lady friend the following letter in verse:--

"To Mrs. G. H. Virtue."

"Thou better half of Virtue, gentle friend, Fairly to thee, I, Fairleigh, greeting send; Frankly I give what frankly you desire; You thus Frank Fairleigh's autograph acquire.

To make a.s.surance doubly sure, this medley Of Franks and Fairleighs this I sign-- Frank Smedley."

A famous sporting character, named Captain O'Byrne, laid a wager about Admiral Payne, and wrote to him as follows:--

"Dear Payne,--Pray, were you bread to the sea?"

The witty Admiral made reply:--

"Dear O'Byrne,--No; but the sea was bread to me."

It is said that King Charles the Second received the following letter:--

"King Charles,--One of your subjects the other night robbed me of 40, for which I robbed another of the same sum, who has inhumanly sent me to Newgate, and he vows I shall be hanged; therefore, for your own sake, save my life, or you will lose one of the best seamen in your navy.

Jack Skifton."

His Majesty promptly answered the letter:--

"Jack Skifton,--For this time I'll save thee from the gallows, but if hereafter thou art guilty of the like, I'll have thee hanged, though the best seaman in my navy.

Charles Rex."

Here is a copy of a quaint letter sent to another king. It was written by Dr. Schmidt, sacristan of the Cathedral at Berlin, to Frederick of Prussia:

"Sire,--I acquaint your Majesty, 1st, that they are wanting books of psalms for the Royal Family. I acquaint your Majesty, 2ndly, that there wants wood to warm the Royal seats. And I acquaint your Majesty, 3rdly, that the bal.u.s.trade next the river, behind the church, is become ruinous.

Schmidt, Sacristan of the Cathedral."

In reply to the foregoing diverting communication the king wrote:--

"I acquaint Mr. Sacrist Schmidt, 1st, that they who want to sing songs may buy books. I acquaint Mr. Sacrist Schmidt, 2ndly, that those who want to be kept warm may buy wood. I acquaint Mr. Sacrist Schmidt, 3rdly, that I shall not trust any longer to the bal.u.s.trade next to the river; and I acquaint Mr. Sacrist Schmidt, 4thly, that I will not have any more correspondence with him.

Frederick."

The following phonographic curiosity is extracted from the _Times_. It was written by an unsophisticated person to his physician, in Lancas.h.i.+re:--

"Cer yole oblige me uf yole k.u.m and ce me i hev a bad kowld an am hill in mi bow hills an hev lorst mi happet.i.te.

Roger Trooman."