The Wish Part 28

"'Robert!' I call out, astonished.

"He jumped up. 'Olga?' he cried in answer. 'Do you bring bad news?'

"'Not so.' say I, 'your uncle, the doctor, sent me out, and----' then suddenly I feel as if the ground were giving way beneath my feet.

"'Take care!' I hear his warning voice, but already I am sinking, together with the crumbling stones, about a man's length down into the darkness.

"'For Heaven's sake, do not stir!' he shouts after me, 'else you will fall still further down.'

"Half-dazed, I lean against the side of the pit. At my feet gleams a narrow strip of earth, on which I am standing; beyond that it goes down into black, unfathomable depths.

"I see him near me, climbing down after me slowly and carefully on the steps of a flight of stairs as it seems.

"'Where are you?' he shouts, and at the same I feel his hand groping for me.

"Then I throw myself towards him, and cling to his neck. At the same moment I feel myself lifted high up and resting upon his breast. It appeared to me as if my veins had been opened, as if in delightful la.s.situde I felt my warm life's blood flowing away over me.

"His breath wafted hotly into my face. For a moment it seemed to me as if he had softly kissed my forehead.... Then we returned to the manor house without speaking. I moved away from his side as far as I could, but in my heart was the jubilant thought, 'He has held me in his arms.'

"On the threshold of the sick room the old physician came towards us, gave us both his hands and said, 'She is keeping up better, children, than I had expected.'

"Within my heart was rejoicing, 'He has held me in his arms.'

"And now that night! Even now every minute stands up like a fury before me, and glares at me with fiery eyes! That night will I conjure up as one calls up spirits from the grave, that their witness may animate anew long forgotten bloodguiltiness! What crime did I commit? _None_.

My hands are clean. And on that great morning, when our works shall be tried in the balance, I might fearlessly step up to the Throne of the Most High and say, 'Clothe me in the whitest raiment, fasten upon my shoulders the most delicate pair of swan's wings, and let me sit in the front row, for I have a good voice, which only requires a certain amount of practice to do honour to Paradise!' But there are crimes, unaccomplished, unuttered, which penetrate the soul like the breath of infection, and poison it in its very essence, till the body too perishes under its influence.

"It was a night almost like the present one. The moist autumn wind swept past the house in short gusts, and caught itself in the half leafless crests of the poplars, which bowed towards each other and entwined amid creaking and rustling. Not a star was in the sky; but an undefinable gleaming brought into notice dark ma.s.ses of torn clouds, which sped along as if in rags. The nightlight would not burn; its flickering flame struggled with the shadows which danced incessantly over the bed and the walls. The ivy wreath hung opposite me, looking black and jagged like a crown of thorns.

"It was about ten o'clock when Martha commenced to be delirious.

"She raised herself up in bed and said in a clear, audible voice, 'I must really get up now--it is too bad!'

"At first joy suffused my face, for I thought she had regained consciousness. 'Martha!' I jumped up and grasped her hand.

"'I have put everything out in readiness--s.h.i.+rts and stockings and shoes, so that a blind man could find them in his sleep. And you need not take any measurements either--make no compliments--make no compliments.' And all the time she stared at me with gla.s.sy eyes, as if she saw a ghost; then suddenly she uttered a piercing shriek and cried, 'Roll the stones away from my body they are crus.h.i.+ng me. Why have you buried me under stones?'

"I took the thinnest sheet I could find and spread it over her in place of the coverlet; but even that brought her no relief. She screamed and talked incessantly, and between whiles she muttered eagerly to herself, like one who is learning something off by heart.

"Like this an hour must have pa.s.sed. I sat in front of my table and stared at her; for I was in a ferment of terror lest any moment might bring some new, still more horrible development. From time to time, when she calmed down a little, I felt my limbs relax; then I closed my eyes and let myself sink back, and each time I had the sensation as if I were sinking into Robert's arms. But there hardly remained even a dull feeling, as if I were thereby committing any wrong; my weariness was too intense. I also had a sensation as if bubbles were bursting in my head, and roses opening out and always putting forth new wreaths of blossoms; then again there was a hissing sound from one ear to the other, as if some one had run a fuse right through my head and lighted it.

"In this condition of nervous over-excitement, tossed hither and thither between terrified starting up and relaxation, Robert found me, when, towards midnight, he entered the room. He had intended to lie down on his bed for a short time, and then to watch for the rest of the night together with me; but Martha's screams had scared him too.

"When I saw him, all my exhaustion was as if wiped away; I felt how a new stream of blood shot through my body, and I jumped up to go towards him.

"'Try to rest a little.' he said, looking down at me with tired, swollen eyes; 'you will require all your strength.'

"I shook my head and pointed to my sister, who was just flinging her hands about, as if in her delirium she were trying to tear me from his side.

"'You are right,' he continued. 'Who could be calm enough to rest with this picture before his eyes.' And then he planted himself with clasped hands in front of the bed, bent down towards her and imprinted a soft kiss upon her wax-like forehead.

"'That is how he kissed me too!' a voice within me cried.

"Thereupon he sat down at the foot of the bed, so close to my chair that the arm which he rested upon the slab of the table almost touched my shoulder.

"With the gloomy brooding of despair he stared across at her.

"'Come to yourself, Robert!' I whispered to him, 'all may be well yet.'

"He laughed grimly. 'What do you mean by "well"?' he cried; 'that she should remain alive and drag herself about with her sickly frame and crushed spirit, as a burden to herself and to others? Do you not know that these are the alternatives between which we have to choose?'

"A cold shudder ran through my very marrow. But at the same time I felt as if the walls were giving way and an unbounded, s.h.i.+ning vista opening out before me.

"'Were you not going to be a priestess in this house?' a warning voice within me remonstrated, but its sounds were deadened by the surging of my blood.

"'What is the use of struggling against fate?' he continued; 'I have long since learnt to submit quietly when blow after blow falls down upon me from above. I have become a miserable, weak-minded fellow. I have allowed fate to bind me hand and foot, and now, even if I struggle till the blood spurts from my joints, it is no good! I am powerless and shall remain so, and there's an end of it! But I do not care to talk myself into a pa.s.sion. Such helpless rage is more contemptible than hypocritical submission.'

"A desire darted through me to throw myself down in front of him, and to cry out to him, 'Do with me what you will: sacrifice me, tread me under-foot, let me die for you; but be brave and have new faith in your happiness----' then suddenly a moan from Martha's lips struck upon my ears, so plaintive, so pitiable that I started as if struck by the lash of a whip.

"I felt ready to scream, but fear of him choked my utterance--only a groan escaped my breast, which I forcibly suppressed, when I noticed how anxiously he was looking into my eyes.

"'Take no heed of me!' I said, forcing myself to smile; 'the chief thing is for her to get better.'

"He crossed his arms over his knee and nodded a few times bitterly to himself. And then again the moaning ceased.

"She had bowed her head upon her breast, and half closed her eyes. One might almost have thought her asleep; but the muttering and chattering continued. There was utter silence in the half-darkened room. Only the wind sped past the window with low soughing, and between the planks of the ceiling the mice scampered about.

"Robert had buried his head in his hands, and was listening to Martha's weird talking. Gradually he seemed to grow quieter, his breath came more regularly and slowly, now and again his head dropped to one side, and next moment jerked up again.

"His sleepiness had overpowered him. I wanted to urge him to go to rest; but I was afraid of the sound of my own voice, and therefore was silent.

"More and more often did the upper part of his body sway to one side, now and again his hair touched my cheek--and he groped about seeking to find some support.

"And then, suddenly, his head fell upon my shoulder, where it remained lying. My whole body trembled as if I had experienced some great happiness.

"'An invincible desire possessed me to stroke the bushy hair that fell across my face. Close to my eyes I saw a few silver threads gleaming.

"'It is already beginning to get grey,' I thought to myself, 'it is high time that he should taste what happiness is like.' And then I really stroked him.

"He sighed in his sleep and sought to nestle closer with his head.

"'He is lying uncomfortably.' I said to myself; 'you must move up nearer to him.'

"I did so. His shoulder leant against mine, and his head fell upon my breast.