The Wish Part 24

"I should have liked to remonstrate, for I was afraid of being alone with him; but in order not to wake my sleeping sister, I obeyed silently.

"The dining-room was a vast, whitewashed apartment, packed full of old-fas.h.i.+oned furniture, which kept guard along the walls like crouching giants. Under the hanging-lamp stood a table with two covers laid.

"'I let the household finish their meal first,' said Robert, turning towards me, 'for I did not want to bother you with strange faces.' With that he threw himself heavily into an arm-chair, rested his chin on his hand, and stared into the salt-cellar.

"Why, you are not eating anything!' he said, after a while. I shook my head. I could not for the life of me have swallowed a morsel, though hunger was gnawing at my entrails. The sight of him positively paralysed me.

"Renewed silence.

"'How do you find her?' he asked at length.

"'I do not know,' said I, speaking by main force, 'whether I ought to be pleased or anxious!'

"'Why anxious?' he asked, quickly, and in his eyes there gleamed an indefinite fear.

"'She tortures herself----'

"A look of rapid understanding flew across to me, a look which said: 'Do you also know that already? Then he raised his fist, stretched himself and sighed. His bushy hair had fallen over his forehead. The bitter lines about his mouth grew deeper.

"I was alarmed--alarmed at myself. Did not what I had just said sound like an accusation against Martha; did it not provoke an accusation against her?

"'She loves you much too much.' I replied, biting my lips. I knew I should pain him, and I meant to do so.

"He started and looked at me for a while in open astonishment; then he nodded several times to himself and said, 'You are right with your reproach, she does love me much too much.'

"Then I should already have liked to ask his forgiveness again. Surely he did not deserve my malice! His soul was pure and clear as the sunlight, and it was only within me that there was darkness. I felt as if I must choke with suppressed tears. I saw that I could not contain myself any longer, and rose quickly.

"'Good-night, Robert.' I said, without giving him my hand; 'I am overtired--must go to bed--leave me--one of the servants will show me my way. Leave me--I tell you!'

"I screamed out the last words as if in anger, so that he stopped perturbed. In the cool, semi-obscure corridor I began to feel calmer.

For a time I walked up and down breathing heavily, then I fetched one of the maids to show me the way.

"'Mistress arranged everything in the room herself yet, and gave orders that no one was to touch it. There is a letter, too, for you, miss.'

"When I was alone, I held survey. My good, dear sister! She had faithfully remembered my slightest wishes, every one of my little habits of formerly, and had thought out everything that could make my room as cosy and homely as possible. Nothing was wanting of the things which I prized in those days. Over the bed hung a red-flowered curtain exactly like the one beneath the hangings of which I had dreamed my first girlish dreams; on the window-sill stood geraniums and cyclamen, such as I had always tended, on the walls hung the same pictures upon which my glance had been wont to rest at waking, on the shelves stood the same books from which my soul had derived its first food of love.

"'Iphigenia,' which in those bright calm days had been my favourite poem, lay open on the table. Ah, good heavens! how long it already was since I had read in it, for how long already had I pa.s.sed it by, because the calm dignity of the holy priestess pained my soul.

"Between the leaves was placed the letter of which the girl had told me. A gentle presentiment, a presentiment of new, undeserved love came over me as I tore open the envelope and read:--

"'My Darling Sister,--When you enter this room I shall not be able to bid you welcome. I shall then be lying ill, and perhaps even my lips will be closed for ever. You will find everything as you used to have it at home. It has been prepared for you a long time already everything was awaiting you. Whether sorrow or joy may attend you here, lie down to rest in peace and fall asleep with the consciousness that you have entered your home. Try and learn to love Robert as he will learn to love you. Then all must turn out well yet, whether G.o.d leaves me with you or takes me to Himself.

"'Your sister

"'Martha.'

"It was nothing new that she said to me here, and yet this touchingly simple proof of her love took such powerful hold of me, that at the first moment I only had the one feeling, that I must rush to her bedside and confess to her how unworthy was the being to whom she offered the shelter of her heart and home.

"For I was no longer in doubt: the ill-fated pa.s.sion which I believed I had uprooted from my soul, had once more profusely sprung into growth; the wounds, healed up long ago, had opened anew at the first sight of him; I felt as if my warm blood were gus.h.i.+ng out from them in streams.

Hus.h.i.+ng-up and concealment were no longer possible; the vague charm of dawning impressions, the sweet abandon to the intoxication of youth, were things of the past; the bare, glaring light of matured knowledge, the rigid barriers of strict self-restraint had taken their place. Yes, I loved him, loved him with such ardour, such pain, as only a heart can love which has been steeled by the glow of hatred and suffering. And not since to-day, not since yesterday! I had grown up with this love, I had clung to it in secret heart's desire, my whole being had derived its strength from it, with it I stood and fell, in it lay my life and my death.

"What did I care whether he deserved it, whether he understood me! He was not intended to understand it. And not he, it was I who must gain a right to this love. I knew too well at this hour that I should never be able to banish it from my heart. The question was to submit to it, as one submits to eternal fate; but it must not become a sin. It should live on purely, in a pure heart.

"And surely I had not been called in vain to this house! A mission, a great holy mission awaited me. Martha should perceive forthwith that a beneficent genius was watching over her home. Through me she should learn actively to utilise the love by which she was consumed, for the good of her loved one; through me her courage should be revived and her soul receive new strength. How I would support and comfort her in dark despondent hours! How I would force myself to laugh when a tearful mood troubled the atmosphere! How I would banish the clouds from their gloomy brows with daring jests, and anxiously take care that there should always remain a last little remnant of suns.h.i.+ne within these walls!

"My life should pa.s.s away void of desire, happy only in the happiness of my loved ones, discreet, resigned and faithful. I need no longer seek to avoid Iphigenia's image, for the holy and dignified office of priestess was awaiting me also.

"With this pious thought the revolt in my soul disappeared; with it I fell asleep.

"When I awoke on the first morning, I felt contented, almost happy, A holy calm had come over me, such as I had not known since time immemorial. I knew that henceforth I should not have to fear even meeting _him_.

"Martha was still asleep. When I looked through the c.h.i.n.k of the door into her room, I saw her lying with her head thrown far back on the pillow, and heard her short heavy breathing.

"I crept away, quite easy in my mind, to take up my office as housekeeper forthwith.

"'She shall no longer work herself to death,' I said to myself, and rejoiced in my heart. I spent fully an hour going the round of the premises, during which I formally took the management into my hands.

The old housekeeper showed herself willing, and the servants treated me with respect. I should anyhow soon have enforced it for myself.

"At the breakfast-table I met Robert. A slight palpitation, which overcame me on entering, ceased forthwith when I bethought myself of my yesterday's vow. Calmly, firmly looking into his eyes, I stepped up to him and gave him my hand.

"'Is Martha still asleep?' I asked.

"He shook his head. 'I have sent for the doctor.' he said, 'she has pa.s.sed a bad night--the excitement of seeing you again seems not to have done her good.'

"I felt somewhat alarmed; but my great resolve had so filled me with peace and happiness, that I would not give way to fear.

"'Will you help yourself?' I asked, 'I should meanwhile like to look after her.'

"When I entered her room, I found her still lying in the same position in which I had left her early in the morning, and as I approached the bed, I saw that she was staring up at the ceiling with wide-opened eyes.

"I called out her name in terror; then a feeble smile came over her face, and feebly she turned towards me and looked into my eyes.

"'Are you not feeling well, Martha?'

"She shook her head wearily, and drew up her fingers slightly. That meant to say: 'Come and sit by me!'

"And when I had taken her head in my arm a shudder suddenly ran through her whole body. Her teeth chattered audibly: 'Give me a warm cover.'

she whispered, 'I am s.h.i.+vering so.' I did as she bade me, and once more sat down at her side. She clutched my hands, as if to warm herself by them.

"'Have you slept well?' she asked, in the same hoa.r.s.e falsetto voice which was quite strange to me in her. I nodded, and felt a hot sense of shame burn within me. What was my grand unselfish resolve, compared with this sort of n.o.ble self-forgetfulness, which was evident in every act, however great or small, and was inspired by the same love for everything? And I even prided myself on my lofty sentiments, conceited egotist that I was.

"'How did you like the arrangement of your room?' she asked once more, while a gleam of slight playfulness broke from her mild, sad eyes.

"In lieu of answer, I imprinted a grateful, humble kiss upon her lips.

"'Yes, kiss me! Kiss me once more!' she said. 'Your mouth is so nice and hot, it warms one's body and soul through.' And again she s.h.i.+vered with cold.