Scars. Part 24

I push her a little further. "And Meghan can come over whenever she wants? You'll make her feel welcome?"

Mom swallows. "I will." She touches my cheek. "And I promise I won't criticize your artwork, either-if you ever decide to show me anything else."

I almost can't believe her. I guess last week was life-altering for her, too.

"And you're okay with that?"

"I will be. I promise."

"Okay," I say. "Let's try it."

Mom throws her arms around me. "Oh, sweetie, I'm so relieved to hear you say that! I was afraid you were going to run away a few weeks ago."

"I was."

"It'll be different now, I promise. You'll see."

Yes, I'll see. If things get better between us, that'll be nice. But whether they do or not, it won't unbalance me. Because I've got my art to get me through; I've got people in my life who love me.

Happiness is just waiting for me to take it; I truly believe that now.

42.

I stare out the window of the guest room at the pine tree that blocks our house from our neighbor's.

It's been nine months since we were on the news. And nine months that Dad's been sitting in prison, waiting for his trial to begin. They're going to charge him with rape and attempted murder. And if that last charge sticks, he'll do a lot more time than for the rapes, even though the rapes hurt me the most. But I don't care what he's charged with, as long as he can't hurt anyone ever again.

The prosecutor keeps saying how brave I am and how strong. And I guess I am, but I don't really see it that way. I'm just doing what I have to do.

Mom's supporting me on this, even now that she's had time to recover.

But I can't help wondering sometimes, if she'd be sitting there crying into her tissues in the prosecutor's office with me if Dad hadn't lost it that day-or if she'd still be in denial about everything he'd done. But I know she believes me, now, and that's something I'm grateful for.

I'm starting to learn how to be happy for more than five minutes at a time and how to really hope and trust. And I'm finding out what it's like to sleep through an entire night without any nightmares.

I still have my bad days, when the memories press down on me like concrete, when they crush out all the joy-but those days are coming less and less often. Carolyn's been working with me to help me see that I can choose when to look at a memory and when to put it away.

She's also encouraging me to find other things I can do instead of cutting, and she keeps giving me steady support. I can feel myself changing-growing stronger. I've only cut a few times since Dad was put in jail. That's a miracle in my book.

I'll probably never know if I'd have been drawn to cutting if he hadn't taught me how to use it to keep me silent. I don't think it was always just me repeating the abuse or being under his control. My cutting was about trying to deal with more pain than I could handle. I've got other ways of dealing with it now, ways to pull myself out of it if I need to. And I have ways to get the comfort I need that don't come from the edge of a blade.

I catch myself staring at my arm sometimes, trying to figure out which scars were the first-the ones he made me cut. But I don't wonder for very long; I really don't want to know.

Other times, I look at my scars and see something else: a girl who was trying to cope with something horrible that she should never have had to live through at all. My scars show pain and suffering, but they also show my will to survive. They're a part of my history that'll always be there.

And now, sometimes I don't bother hiding the scars. I just let them show, even though I get stares, rude comments, and questions from strangers. I figure I've already gone through the worst; getting stared at isn't that big of a deal.

I never want to have to keep anything else a secret, ever again.

Mom knocks on the door frame of the guest room.

"Come in," I say.

"The woman from the Java Cup just called. She said two more of your paintings got sold-and you've had orders for three more. I guess you really have outgrown my help." She rubs her arms, looking surprised but proud, too. "You've got a style all of your own, Kendra, and it's clear that people like it. I'm glad I was wrong."

"Me, too. Thanks, Mom."

A few months ago, I would have thought she was criticizing me, and I probably would have been right. But now, I know that she's praising my work-in her own peculiar way.

I look around the guest room at my paintings hanging on the walls. I see the faces of Carolyn, Sandy, Meghan, and Mrs. Archer all smiling out at me, and for once, I don't hear Mom's voice in my head taking them apart with her criticism.

Instead, I hear Meghan's and Mrs. Archer's, and Carolyn's and Sandy's voices, each of them building me up, telling me how powerful my paintings are and how much my art moves people who see it. And I hear them all telling me how much I mean to each of them-and I know I'm loved.

"Dinner'll be in half an hour," Mom says. "You want to go out and tell Meghan, or shall I?"

"I'll tell her. Is she still in the backyard?"

"Yes." Mom laughs. "She's out there, talking to her plants."

I smile at this image. I've loved seeing Meghan take our huge, scruffy yard and turn it into a botanical paradise. I've loved seeing her find an outlet for her pain. I don't think it's that different from my artwork; it helps her get stuff out.

Mom turns to go and then stops. "And Kendra-thanks for giving me another chance. For trusting me."

"You helped me do that, Mom. You've worked at it."

And she has. Going into therapy was the best thing she could've done. It's not like all the tension between us has disappeared; it hasn't. But it's lighter now, not so loaded with resentment and anger.

I go out to the backyard, where Meghan's crouched over a clump of irises. She's talking softly to them. I move closer so I can hear.

"Come on, little flowers, you can do it. Keep on growing strong. I want to see you get there."

"Meghan?"

She turns to me, the sun on her face. "Hey, beautiful."

"Hey, yourself." I lean over to give her a kiss. "My mom's in a good mood today; I think we should ask about your staying over-permanently."

"I think we should, too."

I think Mom'll go along with it. She knows what Meghan has to live with at home. And I know she'll act as chaperone. I laugh at the thought, and Meghan grins at me, mussing up my hair.

We walk back to the house together, hand in hand.

Author's Note.

I used to cut for many of the same reasons that Kendra did: to relieve unbearable emotional pain; to escape or suppress abuse memories and their related overwhelming emotions; to keep from killing myself; and to try to feel better. I also cut to silently cry out for help and sometimes to shut myself up or to punish myself.

And like Kendra, I cut because my abusers taught me to do it. This is a common occurrence in ritual abuse, though it isn't likely that it happens much outside of ritual abuse.

Like Kendra, I don't know if I would have turned to cutting as a form of coping if I hadn't been taught to do it. But I know that although cutting hurt me, it also helped me survive.

I also know that none of us deserves to be hurt, that it's important to treat ourselves gently, and that we need to surround ourselves with loving people who can mirror that love back to us. I hope you'll find ways to get support and comfort, to be gentle with yourself, and to take good care of yourself.

Resource Guide for Readers.

There are many resources out there to help you-or someone you know-with self-harm, abuse, or h.o.m.ophobia. You can get free support through e-mail, phone, and support forums; and you can gain validating and helpful information through books, articles, and some websites. I think it helps to know that you're not alone-I know it helped me-and these sites and books can be ways to find that. Some information may be graphic or triggering, so, as with everything, please take gentle care of yourself as you look through the resources.

Websites.

Martinson, Deb. Secret Shame: Self-Injury Information & Support. http://selfharm.net.

One of the best, most extensive websites on self-harm, written by someone who has self-harmed. This is the first place I'd go for information. It also has great sections for family and friends.

Sutton, Jan. Self-Injury and Related Issues (SIARI). http://www.siari.co.uk.

Lots of articles, links, and resources, including a support board for people who self-harm and a support group for helpers. Jan Sutton also provides detailed articles on self-harm that are excerpted from her books (Healing the Hurt Within, Because I Hurt).

FirstSigns (Self-Injury Guidance and Network Support). Self-Injury Awareness Day (SIAD). http://www.firstsigns.org.uk/siad/ Self-Injury Awareness Day is on March 1, worldwide. This site includes a list of things you can do to increase awareness about self-harm, downloadable fact sheets and posters, an e-book on self-harm, a message board, a Facebook page, an e-newsletter, and more.

National Self Harm Network (NSHN). http://www.nshn.co.uk/downloads.html.

A great resource. The forum is active and the site provides PDF downloads that explain self-harm, provide do's and don't's for family and friends, suggest helpful distractions, and more.

Recover Your Life (RYL). http://www.recoverourlife.com Online self-harm support community that features articles, forums, chat and live help (twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week), and more.

Mazelis, Ruta. Healing Self Injury. http://healingselfinjury.org.

This blog by the editor of The Cutting Edge (a newsletter on self-harm that's no longer being published) provides information and articles about self-injury and houses past issues of The Cutting Edge.

Martinson, Deb. American Self-Harm Information Clearinghouse. http://www.selfinjury.org Lots of great info, some the same as at Secret Shame, but visually easier to read.

Self Injury Foundation. http://www.selfinjuryfoundation.org This site has great information on self-harm, including a fantastic article on how crisis and hotline staff can respond in ways that are truly helpful to people who self-harm, an excellent questionandanswer section not just for people who self-harm but also for their parents, family members, and friends; and more. Self Injury Foundation is a nonprofit organization. One of its goals is to obtain donations and grant money to develop a twenty-four hour crisis line for self-injurers.

Sidran Inst.i.tute: Traumatic Stress Education and Advocacy. http://www.sidran.org Good information on trauma; PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder); abuse; and coping mechanisms, including self-harm.

Survivors.h.i.+p. http://www.survivors.h.i.+p.org Great information and articles, and a newsletter for survivors of ritual abuse, mind control, and torture and their friends, families, and supporters. This site also offers webinars, links, and more.

S.M.A.R.T. (Stop Ritual Abuse and Mind Control Today) http://ritualabuse.us Tons of information on ritual abuse by an organization that works to stop ritual abuse and help survivors through education. The site offers online articles, a bimonthly newsletter, an e-mail discussion list, information on annual conferences, and transcripts of the conferences. Some information on this site may be triggering.

Ritual Abuse, Ritual Crime and Healing. http://www.rainfo.org.

Information and resources for survivors, therapists, and others. This site has articles, links, and tips on what to do during flashbacks, as well as art and poetry created by survivors.

Persons Against Ritual Abuse-Torture. http://www.ritualabusetorture.org Lots of information, articles, and resources on ritual abuse and torture. This organization also conducts research on ritual abuse and torture, and engages in activism to help stop ritual abuse and torture. Some information on this site may be triggering.

Mosaic Minds. http://www.mosaicminds.org An online community for dissociative abuse survivors with dissociative ident.i.ty disorder/multiple personality disorder (DID/MPD). Includes forums, articles, suggestions on keeping safe, and other resources.

Rainbow Hope. http://www.rainbowhope.org/forums A forum in which lesbian s.e.xual abuse survivors can talk and connect with each other.

Youth Resource. http://www.amplifyyourvoice.org/youthresource Online peer educators, links to resources and hotlines, articles on body image and health, articles such as "Coming Out to Your Parents," "Questions to Think About," and more.

PinkBooks. http://www.pinkbooks.com An extensive bibliography of young adult books for gay and lesbian readers.

I'm Here. I'm Queer. What the h.e.l.l do I Read? http://www.leewind.org An extensive listing of over 200 children's and teen books with lesbian, gay, bis.e.xual, transgender, and queer themes or characters, as well as links and reviews.

Helplines.

United States National Youth Crisis HotLine. 1-800-448-4663 Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network

(RAINN). http://www.rainn.org

1-800-656-HOPE.

The Trevor Project. Crisis and suicide prevention support for lesbian, gay, bis.e.xual, transgender, and questioning youth.