Familiar Faces Part 6

XIII

THE CONVERSATIONAL REFORMER

When Theo: Roos: unfurled his bann: As Pres: of an immense Repub: And sought to manufact: a plan For saving people troub:.

His mode of spelling (termed phonet:) Affec: my brain like an emet:.

And I evolved a scheme (_pro tem_) To simplify my mother-tongue, That so in fame I might resem: Upt: Sinc:, who wrote "The Jung:,"

And rouse an interest enorm: In conversational reform.

I grudge the time my fellows waste Completing words that are so comm: Wherever peop: of cult: and taste Habitually predom:.

'T would surely tend to simpli: life Could they but be curtailed a trif:.

For is not "Brev: the Soul of Wit"?

(Inscribe this mott: upon your badge).

The sense will never suff: a bit, If left to the imag:, Since any pers: can see what's meant By words so simp: as "husb:" or "gent:."

When at some meal (at dinn: for inst:) You hand your unc: an empty plate, Or ask your aunt (that charming spinst:) To pa.s.s you the potat:, They have too much sagac:, I trust, To give you sug: or pep: or must:.

If you require a slice of mutt:, You'll find the salfsame princ: hold good, Nor get, instead of bread and b.u.t.t:, Some tapioca pudd:, Nor vainly bid some boon-compan: Replen: with Burg: his vacant can.

At golf, if your oppon: should ask Why in a haz: your nib: is sunk.

And you explain your fav'rite Hask: Lies buried in a bunk:, He cannot very well misund: That you (poor fooz:) have made a blund:.

If this is prob:--nay, even cert:-- My scheme at once becomes attrac: And I (pray pard: a litt: impert:) A public benefac: Who saves his fellow-man and neighb: A large amount of needless lab:.

Gent: Reader, if to me you'll list: And not be irritab: or peev:, You'll find it of tremend: a.s.sist: This habit of abbrev:, Which grows like some infec. disease, Like chron: paral: or German meas:.

And ev'ry living human bipe: Will feel his heart grow grate: and warm As he becomes the loy: discip: Of my partic: reform, (Which don't confuse with that, I beg, Of Brander Math: or And: Carneg:).

"'Tis not in mort: to comm: success,"

As Add. remarked; but if my meth: Does something to dimin: or less: The waste of public breath, My country, overcome with grat: Should in my hon: erect a stat:.

My bust by Rod: (what matt: the cost?) Shall be exhib:, devoid of charge, With (in the Public Lib: at Bost:) My full-length port: by Sarge:, That thous: from Pitts: or Wash: may swarm To worsh: the Found: of this Reform.

Meanwhile I seek with some avid: The fav: of your polite consid:.

XIV

KING LEOPOLD

("_In dealing with a race that has been composed of cannibals for thousands of years, it is necessary to use methods that best can shake their idleness and make them realise the sanct.i.ty of labour._"--King Leopold of Belgium on the Congo scandal.)

People call him "knave" and "ogre" and a lot of kindred names, Or they label him as "tyrant" and "oppressor"; The majority must wilfully misunderstand his aims To regard him in the light of a transgressor.

For, to tell the honest truth, he's a benevolent old man Who attempts to do his "duty to his neighbour"

By endeavouring to formulate a philanthropic plan Which shall demonstrate the "sanct.i.ty of labour."

There were natives on the Congo not a score of years ago, Whose existence was a constant round of pleasure; Whose imperfect education had not ever let them know The pernicious immorality of leisure.

They were merry little people, in their simple savage way, Not a thought to moral obligations giving; Quite unconscious of their duties, wholly ignorant were they Of the blessedness of working for a living.

But a fond paternal Government (in Belgium, need I add?) Heard their story, and, with admirable kindness, Deemed it utterly improper, not to say a trifle sad, That the heathen should continue in his blindness.

"Let us civilise the children of this most productive soil,"

Said their agents, who proceeded to invade them; "Let us show these foolish savages the dignity of toil-- If we have to use a hatchet to persuade them!"

So they taught these happy n.i.g.g.e.rs how unwise it was to s.h.i.+rk; They implored them not to idle or malinger; And they showed them there was nothing that encouraged honest work Like the loss of sev'ral toes or half a finger.

When they fancied that their womenfolk were lonely or depress'd, They would chain them nice and close to one another, And they thoughtfully abducted ev'ry baby at the breast, To facilitate the labours of its mother.

[Ill.u.s.tration: King Leopold]

So they made a point of parting ev'ry husband from his wife And dividing ev'ry maiden from her lover; If a workman drooped or sickened they would jab him with a knife, And then leave him by the roadside to recover.

If he grumbled or grew restive they would amputate a hand, Just to show him how unsafe it was to blubber, Till with infinite solicitude they made him understand The necessity of cultivating "rubber."

Thus the merry work progresses, as it must progress forsooth, While these pioneers are sharp and firm and wary,-- And the Congo is reluctantly compelled to own the truth Of that motto "Laborare est orare."

Though the Belgians sometimes wonder, on their tenderhearted days, (When the little children scream as they abduct them), If the natives CAN supply sufficient rubber to erase The effect of such endeavours to instruct them

Tho' within the royal bosom a suspicion there may lurk That these practices offend the sister-nations, That one cannot safely advocate "the sanct.i.ty of work,"

By a policy of theft and mutilations,-- Yet wherever on the Congo Belgium's banner is unfurled, Where the atmosphere is redolent and sunny, I am sure the Monarch's methods must be giving to the world _Some_ ideas upon the "sanct.i.ty of money!"

And, if so, I am not boasting when I mention once again That the Ruler of the Congo has not surely ruled in vain!

XV

"BART'S" CLUB

("_In my view, the most absolutely perfect club of all would be a club where absolutely every man could get in, it mattered not what he had done in the past._"--Bart Kennedy.)

It fills, indeed, a long felt need, This inst.i.tution, just arisen; We notice here that atmosphere Of restaurant and prison, Of green-room, gambling-h.e.l.l, saloon, Which makes it an especial boon.

That member there with close-cropped hair, Who noisily inhales his luncheon, His flattened nose has felt the blows Of many a p'liceman's truncheon; The premier cracksman of the City, Is Chairman of our House Committee!

That bull-necked youth, with fractured tooth, Discussing Plato with his neighbour, Returned to-day from Holloway, And eighteen months' "hard labour"; He's _such_ a gentleman, I think, --Or would be, if he didn't drink.

We've thieves and crooks upon our books, And all the nimble-fingered gentry; The buccaneer is harboured here, The "shark" has instant entry.

Blackmail is practised, too, by all, Who never heard of a black-ball!

We gladly take the t.i.tled rake, The bankrupt and the unfrocked parson, All those whose vice is loading dice, Or bigamy, or arson.

Most of our pilgrims have pursued The path of penal servitude.

We've anarchists upon our lists, While regicides infest the smoke-room; (The _faux-bonhomme_ who brings a bomb Must leave it in the cloak-room).