Letters of Major Jack Downing, of the Downingville Militia Part 4

Pompey Smash, and his lady fair!

You may bet your life dey will bofe be dare!

And Mistah Ducklegs--bully for he!

Such a gizzard foot you nebber did see.

Lubly Rosa! Sambo come!

Don't you hear de banjo?

Tum! Tum! Tum!

And Gumbo Squash wid his bressed grin, His curling har, and his cho-s.h.i.+n-- De King ob Hearts will come to de Bal, Let the gals look out for dare f.e.c.kshuns all!

Lubly Rosa! Sambo come!

Don't you hear de banjo?

Tum! Tum! Tum!

Ole Uncle Ned, frow down dat hoe!

And Dinah, drop dat kitchen dough!

All Dixie's free, wid noffin to do But to dance all night, and all day too.

Lubly Rosa! Sambo come!

Don't you hear de banjo?

Tum! Tum! Tum!

De white trash dey have nuffin to say, But to work! work! and de taxes pay; While the bressed darkies dance dere fill, Let de white trash foot de fiddler's bill!

Lubly Rosa! Sambo come!

Don't you hear de banjo!

Tum! Tum! Tum!

White Men! White Men! Sure as you're born, The crows are going to take your corn!

They surround your fields on every tree, And they blacken the sky as far as we see.

Lubly Rosa! Sambo stay, In the land of Dixie, Far away."

Linkin laughed at it when I got thru, an sed it done very well for some sore-hed Dimmycrat, but that Whittiur could write one on 'tother side that this would not be a primin to. I telled him Whittiur might make better poetry, but I doubted whether ther would as much truth in it as this had.

Linkin ses he wants me to study up the finances for him. He ses the debt is gettin fearful, an as I am good at cyferin, he ses I must try to help him out on that subject. He wants to put it in his nex message.

It is some time since I did such work, but if I feel like it, I will go into it, an will write you how I get along.

Your frend,

MAJER JACK DOWNING.

LETTER VIII.

_Matters get Confused--The "Kernel and the Major" Compelled to go to Fortress Monroe to Straighten Things Out--Mr. Lincoln Takes his Revolver--The Major Sticks to His Hickory--Arrival at Fort Monroe--They go on a "Tippergraphical Rekonnisanze"--A Night Alarm--Secretary Stanton Tries to get on the President's Pantaloons._

WAs.h.i.+NGTON, May 13th, 1862.

_To the Editers of The Cawcas.h.i.+n:_

SURS:--Wal, if I ain't eenamost tired out, I wouldn't say so. Wen I writ you last, I told you that Linkin wanted me to look into the financies and cifer where we was a comin to, but I ain't had time to do it yet. Things have ben in a kind of a dubbel and twisted snarl here lately. Sekretary Stantin and Gins. McClellin and McDowell have been almost by the ears. One of em halls Linkin one way and another t'other way, until he got eenamost crazy. McClellin wanted more sojers. Stantin sed he didn't have em for him. McDowell sed he wanted more, and Banks wanted more. So you see here was a pretty kittle of fish. Finally, Mr.

Linkin, ses he, "Majer, wat on erth shall I do?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I tell you my idee. You better go down to Fort Monrow, an see for yourself. I allers found, when I had a lot of hands in the field a mowin, there was nothin like havin the boss on hand. If he ain't there, they all want to be boss." "Wal," ses Linkin, "I think that is a good plan, Majer; and if you will go along with me, I will go down there, and if I don't straiten things out there, my name ain't Abe Linkin.

But, Major, how shall we go?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, do jist as Ginneral Jackson used to; step of kinder unbeknown to eny one, but you kin invite all your a mind to go along." "Wal," ses he, "I guess I'll take Chase and Stantin along. I want Stantin so as to ask questions; an if I leave Chase here, he an Seward will git a quarrelin sure as you live. I never see two men so jealous of each other. They both want to be President so bad, that I expect nothin else but some day they'll steal my old boots."

The next day Linkin got all ready, put on his best close, and slicked up so he looked purty nice. Then he got his six-barreled revolver, and put it in his side coat pocket. Ses I, "Kernel, what on arth do want of revolvers?" "Wal," ses he, "Majer, aint we goin down to the land of the Secesh, and who knows but we may git in an ambushcade?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, that's a fact; but I shan't carry anything but my old hickory.

Ginneral Jackson c.u.m pretty nigh killin a man once with his hickory, and I believe, Kernel, old as I am, I'de give any Secesher a pretty good tussel with that old s.h.a.g bark."

"Wal," ses Linkin, "I wan't brought up that way. I'de rather have an ax than any other weepin, for I believe I could split the Southern Confederacy into rails in a week, and fence it in, if it were only fas.h.i.+onable to warfare in that manner; but you see, Majer, we've got to lick the rebils according to science, or John Bull and Looe Napoleon will kick up a rumpus. So I'll have to stick to revolvers."

"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, that's right; but give me the hickory. If I don't defend myself with that, then my name ain't Majer Jack Downing. I ain't goin to make a masked battery of myself."

So we all got reddy and went off in the Miamy, so quiet like, that Was.h.i.+ngton peeple didn't scasely know it. Ginneral Wool was terribully tickled to see us, and he shook me by the hand jest as hard as he could. I hadn't seen the old Ginneral for a great manny years, but he don't seem a mite older than he did nigh on twenty years ago. The next day after we got there, we had a council of war, and it was decided to attack Norfolk. But how to do it was the question. "Wal," ses Linkin, "I tell you what, I know somethin about boatin, and the Majer here he is quick at eenamost anything. So we'll go on a tippergraphical rekonnisanze to-morrow." Ses I, "Kernel, them big words may be all right, but I'll be darned if I believe they're English." Ses I, "Ain't it jist as easy to say that we're goin on a military tower of obsevas.h.i.+n?"

The next mornin we started off in the Miamy, and went towards Norfolk.

Every place we c.u.m to, the naval offesers sed wouldn't answer to land troops on. It couldn't be done. Finerally, I showed Linkin a spot close in sh.o.r.e, and ses he, "Them old ca.n.a.l-botes up there at the Fort, that you sed looked as if they were the runin gear of Noah's ark, are fit for nothin else but to be towed over here for the troops to land on."

Ses I, "Kernel, that's so, and if the sea captains can't do it, I kin, for I sailed a sloop once down in Maine, and I know sumthin about the bizness." So wen Linkin pinted out the spot, they tried to find fault agin, and talked about the tide and the sinkin of the boats, etc. Just then I stepped up, and ses I, "Mr. President, I'm an old man, but if you want sojers landed there, I'll land 'em safe and sound as a pipe stem; if I don't, then my name ain't Majer Jack Downing." Wen the bra.s.s b.u.t.ton, pompous chaps heered me say that I was Majer Jack Downing, you never seen a wisker set of fellers. They all at once began to make apologys, and sed that they would try it, that they guessed it could be done, and so on. I see thru the fellers at once. They didn't want Linkin to have _eny_ of the credit of it; but when they see that I was goin to do it, and take _all_ the credit, then they were willin to go to work. I ralely believe there ain't a officer in the navy or army but what expects to get glory enuff in this war to make him a President.

Wal, after we fixed on this place, we all went back to the Fort, and Ginneral Wool give us all first rate rooms in the offiser's quarters.

The next mornin, bright and arly, the sojers were off, and Ginneral Wool leadin 'em. As it turned out, everything went off jest as slick as could be. The rebils had cut sticks and run, and there was no one to take. The Ginneral went into town, run up the stars and stripes, and it was all over with. Norfolk was ours.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "I'm darned if the critter warnt bizzy tryin' to git on Linkin's trowsers."--Page 80.]

Ginneral Wool was so tickled with his success that the old man c.u.m post haste back agin, late at nite, to tell Linkin and Stantin of it. We had all got to bed. We slept in rooms that jined each other, Linkin occupyin the middle room, an myself an Stantin one on each side, with the doors openin into Linkin's room. Wen we went to bed, ses the Kernel to me, kinder jokin, ses he, "Majer, if the Secesh attack us to-nite, you must have your hickory reddy." Ses I, "Kernel, look out for your revolver, an put it under your piller, so you kin grab it handy." Wal, what should happen along towards mornin but a most terribul noise, some one beatin, an stampin, an yellin, like all possessed. First, I thought of the Secesh, and I grabbed my hickory at once, an made for the Kernel's room in my nite-s.h.i.+rt to see how he was feelin. I came pretty nigh bustin my sides a laughin, for there Linkin stood up on a cheer, lookin for all the world like a treed porcupine; his hair stood on eends, and he was a shaking his pistol around as if he meant to shoot.

Ses I, "Hold on, Kernel; don't fire. Let's see what this rumpus is all about before you shoot." Stantin, was in Linkin's room, lookin like a spook in his white nite-gown; an I'm darned if the critter warn't bizzy trying to git on Linkin's trowsers! He got 'em on after a fashen, but his legs didn't more than go half thru 'em, an there he stood kinder tangled up like, lookin awful sorry about somethin, as if he'ed wanted to issue a bulletin an couldn't? All the while the noise kept growin louder, an finally ses I, "Who on arth is that makin such a tarnal racket?" "It's me. It's me," ses a voice. Ses I, "Who is me? Are you Union or Secesh?" "I'm Ginneral Wool," ses he, "an I want to tell you the noose." Now, we didn't no more expect to see Ginneral Wool than we did Jeff Davis; but sure enuff, it was him, and he c.u.m thunderin in an brought his old cane down on the floor with a ring. Ses he, "Norfolk is ours, by ----." I won't put in the swearing part. You never did see such a change. Linkin jumped down out of the cheer, and ketched the old Ginneral by the hand, and c.u.m pretty nigh shakin it off, while Stantin took him rite in his arms. Wen the story had all been heerd, and Linkin went to look for his trowsers, there was Stantin with his legs in 'em, holden them up by his hands. Ses I, "Kernel, Mr. Stantin will get to be President if you ain't kerful, for I see he's got on the President's trowsers." Wen I sed that, I thought Stantin would wilt. He looked awfully struck up, but sed he'd no idee them was Linkin's trowsers, and he backed out of them quick.

The next day there was great rejoicing in the hull army, and we all c.u.m back to Was.h.i.+ngton in the Miamy. I've jist got back, and have only had time to write you this letter. Wen yew hear from me agin I hope I shan't be so tired, and try to give you a more interesting letter.

Your friend,

MAJER JACK DOWNING.

LETTER IX.

_The Major Figures on the "Nas.h.i.+nal Debt"--Horse Contracts and "Abolis.h.i.+n Preechers"--Banks Defeated--The Major Suggests a New Fas.h.i.+oned s.h.i.+eld expressly for Retreats--A Wheelbarrow for every Soldier!--Excitement in Was.h.i.+ngton--The President not Scared "a Hooter"_

WAs.h.i.+NGTON, May 26th, 1862.

_To the Editers of The Cawcas.h.i.+n:_

SURS:--Sence I writ you last, I've been figering on the nas.h.i.+nul debt, and I tell you what it is, it is jest about the most intricit subjec I ever got hold of. I've used up two duzzen slates and about a cart load of slate pencils. Linkin has sent on to York for a fresh supply, and wen they c.u.m I'm goin' at it agin. Squire Biddle's Bank warn't a primin to this war debt. You see the contracters and the pollyticians, and the Members of Congress and the Guvernors of the States, and the editers and even the Abolis.h.i.+n preechers are mixed up in it cleen to their ize.

It's very queer how so many of these preechers have had hoss contracts.

It seems as if Abolis.h.i.+n and hoss jockeying goes together. One pius chap wrote on the back of his contract, "An horse is a vain thing for safety. Put your trust in the Lord." I should think that such hosses as he furnished would be a vain thing for safety, for nigh about the hull of 'em was spavined, or ring-boned, or foundered, or had the blind staggers. I tell you it's edefyin to look over these contracts. Linkin has giv me a cart blank to pry into the hull subjec, but Chase squirms terribully wen I quests.h.i.+n him close. But I ain't got half done. The other day, as I was porerin over my last slate, which was pretty nigh sifered full, Linkin sent for me in a grate hurry. I started rite off, wunderin what on arth was up. Wen I went in, the Kernel had his cote off and his sleeves rolled up, an ses he, "Majer, do you know where I kin get a first-rate axe?" Ses I, "Kernel, I know where there is the best axe that ever chopped wood, but," ses I, "it's way up in Downingville." Ses he, "That won't do, Majer; I must have an axe rite off, or I shall bust; I can't live unless I work off this steem." I see the Kernel had on a high-pressure excitement, and ses I, "Hold on a minnit, Kernel, and tell me what on arth's the matter?" "Matter!" ses he, "jest read that, Majer, and tell me whether you don't think that that infernal cuss, Stantin, ought to be kicked out of the Cabinet?" I took up the paper and there was a despatch from Ginneral Banks, sayin how the rebils had licked him and was drivin him back like all possessed, and all because Stantin had takin away his troops and sent 'em away where they warn't wanted. Ses I, "Kernel, I have had a good deal of doubt about that feller, Stantin, ever sence he tried to get on your trowsers down at Fort Munrow. You see you can't never depend a grate deal on a turn coat. He once perfessed to be a pro-slavery man, but now he goes in for the Abolis.h.i.+nists even stronger than the Simon-pures. I tell you, Kernel, you better look out for him." "Wal,"

ses Linkin, "we ain't got no time to talk about that. The Secesh are almost on Was.h.i.+ngton agin, and jest think what France and England will say. Why, Seward rote 'em at the last steamer that it was all over--that New Orleans was open--that Richmond would be taken in a few days; and here, by this stupid blunder, we are agin jest back where we were a year ago, and I've got to call fer more troops to defend the Capital. What on arth will we do?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, if swarein or even choppin wood do any good, I would advise you to do one or both; but you see they won't. So put on your coat and let's talk this matter over." So we jest went over the subjec, and soon decided what to do. I tell you we made the telegraff fly all day Sunday, and by night we all began to feel a grate deal easier. That nite the Kernel and I had a long talk, and I told him I had invented a new military system to prevent the dangers of a retreat, and that, ef it had been adopted in Ginneral Banks' case he would have come off with all his men, and almost without a scratch. The Kernel he was dredful anxious to know what it was. So I told him that my idee was to have every man supplied with a sheet-iron s.h.i.+eld, about five foot long and about two foot wide, to strap rite on his back when he commenced to retreat. Then the enemy might fire as hard as they pleased, while our sojers could take their time and not be compelled to run themselves out of breath.

"Wal," ses Linkin, "how would they carry it when marchin?" He thought he had me there, but ses I, "Kernel, my plan involves a hull change in the art of war. Insted of so many baggage waggins and such long trains, I would have a wheelbarrow for every sojer! Don't you see," ses I, "Kernel, how nice that would work? Every man could carry his own vittals, and his ammunition, his s.h.i.+eld, &c., &c., jest as complete as could be. Wen there was any fighten to be done, the wheelbarrows could all be placed in the rear, the sojers arm themselves and go out and fight. If they were whipped all they would have to do would be to fall back to the wheelbarrows, strap on their s.h.i.+eld and walk off! There would be no runnin then to get out of the reach of bullets, and retreats of thirty-five miles a day would be useless. With an army of that kind, Kernel, we could subdue the Southern Confederacy in 'sixty days,' and make out Seward a prophet after all." "I'm afraid, Majer, it's too late in the day to introduce your new military system. This infernal Southern Confederacy has got to be whipped pretty soon with such old hosses and waggins as we have got, or this Union is split jest as sure as my name is Abe Linkin. You see, Majer, you can't make a whistle out of a pig's tail, and it seems to me jest about impossibul ever to make Union men agin out of the rebils. However, they shan't have Was.h.i.+ngton, ef I have to call every man in the North here to defend it." Ses I, "Kernel, that's right. I'de stick to the White House until the top blowed off and the cellar caved in."

You better believe we've been in an awful excitement here sence the news about Banks c.u.m. Seward looks paler than ever, while Chase is skeert half to deth for fear of its effect on the Treasury. The Kernel and I, however, keep cool, and we are getting things pretty well straightened out, so ef the Secesh come here now, they may wish they had never got so nigh Was.h.i.+ngton.