Studies in the Psychology of Sex Volume Iii Part 22

Definite s.e.xual dreams and s.e.xual excitement during sleep have not occurred except possibly on one or two occasions.

She has from girlhood experienced erotic day-dreams, imagining love-stories of which she herself was the heroine; the climax of these stories has developed with her own developing knowledge of s.e.xual matters.

She is not inverted, and has never been in love with a woman. She finds, however, that a beautiful woman is distinctly a s.e.xual excitation, calling out definite physical manifestations of s.e.xual emotion. She explains this by saying that she thinks she instinctively puts herself in the place of a man and feels as it seems to her a man would feel.

She finds that music excites the s.e.xual emotions, as well as many scents, whether of flowers, the personal odor of the beloved person, or artificial perfumes.

HISTORY X.-The subject is of German extraction on both sides. The father is of marked intellectual tastes, as also is she herself. There is no unhealthy strain in the family so far as she is aware, though they all have very strong pa.s.sions. She is well developed, healthy, vigorous, and athletic, any trouble to which she is subject being mainly due to overwork.

Looking back on her childhood, she can now see various s.e.xual manifestations occurring at a period when she was quite ignorant of s.e.x matters. "The very first," she writes, "was at the age of 6. I remember once sitting astride a banister while my parents were waiting for me outside. I distinctly remember a pleasurable sensation-probably in part due to a physical feeling-in the thought of staying there when I knew I ought to have run out to them. From that year till the age of 10 I simply reveled in the idea of being tortured. I went gladly to bed every night to imagine myself a slave, chained, beaten, made to carry loads and do ignominious work. One of my imaginings, I remember, was that I was chained to a moldering skeleton." As she grew older these fancies were discontinued. At the same time there was a trace of s.a.d.i.s.tic tendency: "I used to frighten and tease a young child, driven to it by an irresistible impulse, and experiencing a certain pleasurable feeling in so doing. But this, I am glad to say, was rare, as I hate all cruelty."

One of her favorite imaginings as a child was that she was a boy, and especially that she was a knight rescuing damsels in distress. She was not fond of girls' occupations, and has always had a sort of chivalrous feeling toward women.

"When I first heard of the s.e.xual act," she writes, "it appeared to me so absurd that I took little notice. About the age of 10 I discussed it a good deal with other girls, and we used to play childishly indecent games-out of pure mischief and not from any definite physical feeling."

About a year after menstruation was established she accidentally discovered the act of masturbation by leaning over a table. "I discovered it naturally; no one taught me; and the very naturalness of the impulse that led me to it often made me in later years question the harmfulness." Both her sisters m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed from a very early age, but not, to her knowledge, her brother. The practice of masturbation was continued. "For many years, imbued with the old ideas of morality, I struggled against it in vain. The sight of animals copulating, the perusal of various books (Shakespeare, Rabelais, Gautier's Mademoiselle de Maupin, etc.), the sight of the nude in some Baccha.n.a.lian pictures (such as Rubens's), all aroused pa.s.sion. Coexistent with this-perhaps (though I doubt it) due to it-arose a disgust for normal intercourse. I fell in love and enjoyed kisses, etc., but the mere thought of anything beyond disgusted me. Had my lover suggested such a thing I would have lost all love for him. But all this time I went on masturbating, though as seldom as possible and without thought of my lover. Love was to me a thing ideal and quite apart from l.u.s.t, and I still think that it is false to try to connect the two. I fear that even now, if I fell in love, s.e.xual intercourse would break the charm. At the age of 18 I came across Tolstoy's Kreutzer Sonata and was overjoyed to find all I had thought written down there. Gradually, through seeing a friend happily married, I have grown to a more normal view of things. I am very critical of men and have never met one liberal-minded and just enough to please me. Perhaps if I did I might take a perfectly healthy view of things."

In course of time various devices had been adopted to heighten s.e.xual excitement when indulging in masturbation. Thus, for instance, she found that the effects of s.e.xual excitement are increased by keeping the bladder full. But the chief method which she had devised for heightening and prolonging the preliminary excitement consisted in wearing tight stays (as a rule, she wears loose stays) and in painting her face. She cannot herself explain this. Self-excitement is completed by friction, or sometimes by the introduction of a piece of wood into the v.a.g.i.n.a. She finds that, the more frequently she m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.es, the more easily she is excited. Spontaneous s.e.xual feeling is strongest before and after the menstrual period; not so much so during the periods.

There are various faint traces of h.o.m.os.e.xuality, it may be gathered, in the history of this subject's s.e.xual development. Recently these have come to a climax in the formation of a h.o.m.os.e.xual relations.h.i.+p with a girl friend. This relations.h.i.+p has given her great pleasure and satisfaction. She does not, however, regard herself as being a really inverted person.

There have been vivid s.e.xual dreams from about 17 (apparently about the period of the relations.h.i.+p with the lover). These dreams have not, however, had special reference to persons of either s.e.x.

Apart from the influence of books and pictures already mentioned, she remarks that she is s.e.xually affected by the personal odor of a beloved person, but is not consciously affected by any other odors.

HISTORY XI.-Widower, aged 40 years. Surgeon. "My experience of s.e.xual matters began early. When I was about 10 years of age a boy friend who was staying with us told me that his sister made him uncover his person, with which she played and encouraged him to do the same for her. He said it was great fun, and suggested that we should take two of my sisters into an old barn and repeat his experience on them. This we did, and tried all we could to have connection with them; they were nothing loath and did all they could to help us, but nothing was effected and I experienced no pleasure in it.

"When I went back to school I attracted the attention of one of the big boys who slept in the same room with me; he came into my bed and began to play with my member, saying that it was the usual thing to do and would give me pleasure. I did not feel any pleasure, but I liked the attention, and rather enjoyed playing with his member, which was of large size, and surrounded by thick pubic hair. After I had played with him for some time I was surprised at his having an emission of sticky matter. Afterward he rubbed me again, saying that if I let him do it long enough he would produce the same substance from me. This he failed to do, however, though he rubbed me long and frequently, on that and many other occasions. I was very disappointed at not being able to have an emission, and on every occasion that offered I endeavored to excite myself to the extent of compa.s.sing this. I used to ask to go out of school two or three times a day, and retired to the closet, where I practised on myself most diligently, but to no purpose, at that time, though I began to have pleasurable emotions in the act.

"When I went home for the holidays I took a great interest in one of my father's maids, whose legs I felt as she ran upstairs one day. I was in great fear that she would complain of what I had done, but I was delighted to find that she did nothing of the sort; on the contrary, she took to kissing and fondling me, calling me her sweetheart and saying that I was a forward boy. This encouraged me greatly, and I was not long in getting to more intimate relations with her. She called me into her room one day when we were alone in the house, she being in a half-dressed condition, and put me on the bed and laid herself on me, kissing me pa.s.sionately on the mouth. She next unb.u.t.toned my trousers and fondled and kissed my member, and directed my hand to her privates. I became very much excited and trembled violently, but was able to do for her what she wanted in the way of masturbation until she became wet. After this we had many meetings in which we embraced and she let me introduce my member until she had satisfied herself, though I was too young to have an emission.

"On return to school I practised mutual masturbation with several of my schoolfellows, and finally, at the age of 14 years, had my first real emission. I was greatly pleased thereat, and, with this and the growth of hair which began to show on my pubis, began to feel myself quite a man. I loved lying in the arms of another boy, pressing against his body, and fondling his person and being fondled by him in return. We always finished up with mutual masturbation. We never indulged in any unnatural connections.

"After leaving school I had no opportunity of indulging in relations with my own s.e.x, and, indeed, did not wish for such, as I became a slave to the charms of the other s.e.x, and pa.s.sed most of my time in either enjoying, or planning to enjoy, love pa.s.sages with them.

"The sight of a woman's limbs or bust, especially if partly hidden by pretty underclothing, and the more so if seen by stealth, was sufficient to give a l.u.s.tful feeling and a violent erection, accompanied by palpitation of the heart and throbbing in the head.

"I had frequent coitus at the age of 17, as well as masturbating regularly. I liked to perform masturbation on a girl, even more than I liked having connection with her; and this was especially so in the case of girls who had never had masturbation practised on them before; I loved to see the look of surprised pleasure appear on their faces as they felt the delightful and novel sensation.

"To gratify this desire I persuaded dozens of girls to allow me to take liberties with them, and it would surprise you to learn what a number of girls, many of them in good social position, permitted me the liberty I desired, though the supply was never equal to my demand.

"With a view to enlarging my opportunities I took up the study of medicine as a profession, and reveled in the chances it gave of being on intimate s.e.xual terms with many who would have been, otherwise, out of my reach.

"At the age of 25 I married the daughter of an officer, a beautiful girl with a fully developed figure and an amorous disposition. While engaged, we used to pa.s.s hours wrapped in each other's arms, practising mutual masturbation, or I would kiss her pa.s.sionately on the mouth, introducing my tongue into her mouth at intervals, with the invariable result that I had an emission and she went off into sighs and s.h.i.+vers. After marriage we practised all sorts of fancy coitus, coitus reservatus, etc., and rarely pa.s.sed twenty-four hours without two conjunctions, until she got far on in the family way, and our play had to cease for a while.

"During this interval I went to stay at the house of an old schoolfellow, who had been one of my lovers of days gone by. It happened that on account of the number of guests staying in the house the bed accommodation was somewhat scanty, and I agreed to share my friend's bedroom. The sight of his naked body as he undressed gave rise to l.u.s.tful feelings in me; and when he had turned out the light I stole across to his bed and got in beside him. He made no objection, and we pa.s.sed the night in mutual masturbation and embraces, coitus inter femora, etc. I was surprised to find how much I preferred this state of affairs to coitus with my wife, and determined to enjoy the occasion to the full. We pa.s.sed a fortnight together in the above fas.h.i.+on, and, though I afterward went back and did my duty by my wife, I never took the same pleasure in her again, and when she died, five years later, I felt no inclination to contract another marriage, but devoted myself heart and soul to my old school-friend, with whom I continued tender relations until his death by accident last year. Since then I have lost all interest in life."

"The patient," writes the well-known alienist to whom I am indebted for the above history, "consulted me lately. I found him a fairly healthy man to look at, suffering from some neurasthenia and a tendency to melancholia. Generative organs large, one t.e.s.t.i.c.l.e shows some wasting, pubic hair abundant, form of body distinctly masculine; temperament neurotic. He improved under treatment, and, after seeing me three times and writing out the above history, came no more."

HISTORY XII.-Mrs. B., aged 32. Father's family normal; mother's family clever, eccentric, somewhat neuropathic. She is herself normal, good-looking, usually healthy, highly intelligent, and with much practical ability, though at some periods of life, and especially in childhood, she has shared to some extent in the high-strung and supersensitive temperament of her mother's family. As a child she was sometimes spoiled and sometimes cuffed, and suffered tortures from nervousness. She has, however, acquired a large measure of self-control.

The first sensations which she now recognizes as s.e.xual were experienced at the age of 3, when her mother gave her an injection; afterward she declared herself unable to relieve her bowels naturally in order to obtain a repet.i.tion of this experience, which was several times repeated. At the age of 7 a man pursued her with attentions and attempted to take liberties, but she rejected his advances in terror; four years later another man attempted to a.s.sault her, but she resisted vigorously, struck him, and escaped by running. Neither of these s.e.xual attempts appears to have left any serious permanent impression on the child's mind.

At the age of 11, when her mother was giving her a bath, the sensation of her mother's fingers touching her private parts gave her what she now knows to be s.e.xual feelings, and a year later when taking her bath she would pour hot water on to the s.e.xual region in order to cause these sensations; this did not lead to masturbation, but she had a vague idea that it was "wrong."

At the age of 12 menstruation began; she suffered very severely from dysmenorrhea, the period sometimes lasting for ten days, and the pain being often extreme. She was not treated for this condition, her mother being of opinion that she would outgrow it. From the age of 14 or 15 until 23, or about the period of her marriage, she suffered from anemia.

She had little curiosity about s.e.xual matters; her mother wished that she should always come to her for information about things she became acquainted with as to the general facts of s.e.x; she did not, however, know definitely the facts of copulation until her marriage. She knew nothing of erection or s.e.m.e.n, and thought that when a man and woman placed their organs together a child resulted. She hated talking about these subjects indecently, and would not listen to the s.e.xual conversation of her schoolfellows. She never felt any h.o.m.os.e.xual attraction. Once another girl was much in love with her, but she despised and disliked her attentions; again, when a girl much older than herself, a friend of her mother's, slept with her and made advances, she repelled her and refused to sleep with her again.

She always got on well with men, and men were attracted to her. She was direct and sincere, without undue modesty. But she never allowed men to touch her or kiss her. She was a good dancer, and fond of dancing, but denies that it ever led to s.e.xual feelings. She never felt any s.e.xual attraction for a man until, at the age of 20, she fell in love with her future husband five years or more before marriage.

At this period she began to feel vague discomfort, which she knew to be localized near her s.e.xual organs. She was aware, in a dim way, that it was connected with her love, and was of a s.e.xual nature. But there was no definite idea of s.e.xual intercourse. She felt nervous and depressed. If she had been asked to state what would relieve her, she could only have said B.'s presence and tenderness. A few days before he declared his love she experienced the nearest approach to s.e.xual feeling she had ever had. It was summer and, with B. and some of her family, she had gone on a little expedition. One evening, in the train after a day's excursion, B. took her hand (unperceived by the others) and held it for some time. This aroused the strongest emotions in her; she closed her eyes, and, though she was not at the time aware that her sensations were localized in her s.e.xual organs, she thinks, in the light of subsequent knowledge, that she then experienced the o.r.g.a.s.m.

During the engagement, which lasted between two and three years, circ.u.mstances prevented frequent meetings. B. would kiss her, suck her nipples, which became erect, and lie on her. She allowed him to take these liberties, feeling that if she refused him all satisfaction he might have relations with other women. She still felt no definite desire for contact of the s.e.xual organs. She longed rather to be embraced and kissed, and to lie in her lover's arms all night. A few months before marriage, however, she m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed occasionally, just before or just after menstruation, imagining, while doing it, that she was in her lover's arms. The act was usually followed by a sick feeling. Just before marriage she underwent an operation for the relief of the dysmenorrhea. She was somewhat shocked and sickened by the experiences of the wedding night. It seemed to her that her husband approached her with the violence of an animal, and there was some difficulty in effecting entrance. Coitus, though incomplete, took place some seven times on this first night. The bleeding from rupture of the hymen continued, so that for two days she had to wear a towel. For two months subsequently there was great pain during intercourse, although she suppressed the indications of this.

There were several children born of the marriage and for some years she lived happily, on the whole, with her husband, notwithstanding various hards.h.i.+ps and difficulties and some incompatibility of temper.

As regards her s.e.xual feelings she considers, from what other women have told her, that her feelings are, if anything, stronger than the average. The o.r.g.a.s.m, however, was not fully developed until about five years after marriage. s.e.xual feeling is most p.r.o.nounced before, during, and after the menstrual period, more especially before and about the third day (the period usually lasts from five to seven days). There is more s.e.xual desire during pregnancy, especially toward the end, than at any other time. She never refused normal intercourse to her husband, but any abnormal or perverted method of s.e.xual gratification is repellent. She was awakened one night about the third month of pregnancy by her husband inserting his p.e.n.i.s in ore; the child was born with palate defect and she is herself inclined to believe that this incident was the cause of the defect. Though she desires normal intercourse, she has seldom obtained complete gratification. For a long time she disliked seeing or touching the p.e.n.i.s, and the feel, and especially the smell, of the s.e.m.e.n produced nausea and even vomiting. (She has a very delicate sense of smell as well as of taste; though fond of the scent of flowers, no s.e.xual feelings are thus aroused.) Withdrawal and the use of condoms are unsatisfactory to her, and mutual masturbation gives no relief and produces headache. Feelings of friends.h.i.+p for her husband have been most potent in arousing the s.e.xual emotions, and she has had most pleasure in intercourse after a day spent in bicycling together. She has been for many months at a time without s.e.xual intercourse, and during such periods has suffered much from pain in the head; this, however, she has now completely surmounted. She eventually discovered that her husband's abstinence from marital intercourse was due to infidelity. This led to a definite separation. She still occasionally experiences s.e.xual desire, but has no inclination to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e. Her life is full and busy, affording ample scope for her energies and intelligence; moreover, she has her children to train and educate. She herself believes that her s.e.xual life is at an end.

HISTORY XIII.-G. R., army officer. "I am 35 years of age. My parents married at the ages of 38 and 25, and my father is now 84 and my mother 71; both are particularly strong and healthy in body and mind. I am of old lineage on both sides, and know of no disease, defect, or abnormality among any of my ancestors or relations, except that my mother's family has a slight tendency to drink and excess, the present members of it all being considered eccentric. I have one brother and one sister living (brother unmarried, sister with several children) and am the youngest of a family of five. My brother is abnormal, but I don't know exactly in what way or from what cause. I have a strong suspicion that he m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.es to excess. My father is artistic and my mother musical. I have no apt.i.tude for either, but appreciate both enormously, though not until about ten years ago. My princ.i.p.al reading is religion, science, and philosophy, with an occasional standard novel, or a modern novel of the 'improper' type by way of relaxation. I became a convinced and militant rationalist about five years ago, but have been an unbeliever since I left school. I was anemic and threatened with bowel complaint at the age of 7, and was in consequence taken abroad for my health. I am now strong and vigorous, with great powers of endurance, and enjoy all forms of sport and exercise, particularly hunting, pig-sticking, and polo. I drink a lot, and am never fitter than when eating, drinking, and taking exercise in what most people would call excess. It takes more alcohol than I can hold to make me drunk when in England; but not so in the East. I have been told that I am very good-looking.

"When I was about 4 or 5 I was constantly chaffed by my older companions about putting my hand down my trousers and playing with my privates. I don't remember getting an erection, nor at what age this first occurred with me. At one time my brother and I used to play about with my sister's underclothing, and took great pleasure in it, but we never saw her genitals. She told us that on carefully examining herself one day she was glad to find that she had a small p.e.n.i.s like boys had-doubtless the c.l.i.toris. When in France, at the age of 8 to 10, I began to notice the s.e.xual parts of animals, and was very keen to know what mares kept between their hind legs. Later on I took great pleasure with another boy in feeling the teats of a she-a.s.s, and, by myself, the p.e.n.i.s of a donkey, as I had seen the French grooms do; but I took no interest in my own p.e.n.i.s. I used to put my finger as far up the a.n.u.s as it would go, and got a vague satisfaction from it. I went to a small private school at the age of 11, having been previously told by my mother of the manner of birth of men and animals, of which I was quite ignorant till then. She made no mention of the part taken by the father, and I never thought about it. Even then I was left with the impression that one was born through the navel. I was initiated at school, and used to handle the p.e.n.i.s of the boy who told me. On several occasions I did f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o for him, and liked it, but he never offered to do the same for me, and I don't think he got much satisfaction out of it. Soon after this I became conscious of pleasurable sensations when lying on my stomach with an erection, and used occasionally to gratify myself that way, caring little for the school tradition that it was 'wicked' and bad for one. On one occasion, when talking at night with another boy, we compared our organs, both in erection, and I then for the first time thought of trying what I had heard vaguely mentioned, viz., two boys playing at man and woman. I lay on him with my p.e.n.i.s on his stomach and almost at once had an o.r.g.a.s.m with emission, and experienced acute pleasure, though both he and I supposed that I had involuntarily micturated. I was 13 when this happened. I did it once more with him before I left, this time the other way up, so as to spare him the unpleasantness. I used to like kissing and hugging the smaller boys, and had a great eye for good looks. On going home for the holidays I m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed with my hand out of curiosity to see what happened when the o.r.g.a.s.m occurred, and then only did I fully understand the nature of the act. After this the rush and strangeness of a large public school distracted my attention, but I heard about wet dreams, masturbation, and h.o.m.os.e.xuality from the other boys, and soon became thoroughly initiated. I believe the tone of my house, if not of the whole school, was exceptionally bad; though it may only be that I saw more of it because I was attracted by it, and that other schools are the same really. Things involving certain expulsion if found out were done more or less in public, and I have myself openly got into bed with or m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed other boys, and on more than one occasion have helped forcibly to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e small boys or to hold them while others had connection with them, the idea of the last two acts being that the boy would thereby be seduced and become available for, and willing to perform, h.o.m.os.e.xuality. Before I became big enough to have boys myself I m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed frequently (on one occasion three times in the day), and invariably by lying on my stomach without the use of the hands. In having connection with other boys I used to do it between the thighs or on the stomach, and I never heard of any other way at that school. Paedicatio would disgust me, and, moreover, would deprive me of the princ.i.p.al pleasure of intercourse, viz., the feeling of lying face to face and stomach to stomach. Of course, the satisfaction used to be mutual, but, though good-looking, I was never the pa.s.sive party only, like some small boys who might be called professionals and whom I used to pay for their services. I went back after I had left and had a boy in the dark whom I had never seen before, having been told that he was all right. I used to have a very genuine affection for any party to my pleasure, though I took delight in torturing one in particular, but for what reason I cannot say. For one boy I developed a deep love, which lasted long after we had left school and had ceased all s.e.xual connection. This love was as strong as anything I have ever felt since.

"I don't remember whether it was while I was at school or later that I first began again to take a s.e.xual interest in animals. I used to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e a good deal and was always trying to find new ways of doing it and new substances to lie on. It was while feeling the v.u.l.v.a of a young mare that the brilliant thought struck me of trying to copulate with her, and thus getting the advantage of the soft v.a.g.i.n.a. It afforded me great satisfaction and I had an emission, though I did not then, nor at any other time with any other animal, succeed in penetrating properly. I afterward did the same with other mares and with a certain cow whenever I got a safe opportunity, which was not as often as I could have wished. I have not had connection with an animal for about ten years, but would have no objection to doing so, and feel sure I could perform the act properly now. After I left school at 17, I occasionally had longings for boys, but it was the exception and not the rule. I continued to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e, but not to excess, and used to make ineffectual efforts to stop it, but never succeeded for very long. When I was confirmed, at the age of 15, I became intensely religious, and was so remorseful at my first lapse from virtue that I burnt my leg with a red-hot poker, and I bear the scar still. On leaving school I went to Germany and there had my first coitus with a woman, a fat old German who gave me very little satisfaction. My next, a Jewess, gave me more than I asked for, in the shape of a soft chancre. In my ignorance I never had it treated, but it must have been very mild, for it disappeared of its own accord. When cramming in England I occasionally went home with a prost.i.tute, but did not care much about them and could not afford good ones. On one occasion I was impotent. It may have been through drink, but it disgusted me with myself. I liked seeing the women naked, and always insisted that they should strip, especially the b.r.e.a.s.t.s, which I liked large and full. I had not learned to kiss on the lips, and had no desire to kiss the body, except the b.r.e.a.s.t.s, which I was generally too shy to do. But as I nearly always wore a condom and found penetration difficult I did not much enjoy the actual coitus. I am fully convinced that if women had been more accessible, if I had not thought myself bound to use preventives in self-defense, and if the act had not been looked upon with such disfavor by those in authority over me, I should have m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed less or not at all, and would not have been tempted to b.e.s.t.i.a.lity. When I was 22 I had coitus with a girl who was not a prost.i.tute for the first time. I was violently excited and enjoyed it more than anything I had yet experienced, in spite of the facts that she would not undress and insisted on withdrawal before emission. On one other occasion only have I had coitus with a non-professional unmarried woman. Shortly after this I caught syphilis from a girl of the streets. I was circ.u.mcised and stayed in a private hospital for six weeks. It never went beyond the primary stage, and I have felt no ill effects from it, except that I have got a hydrocele in the right t.e.s.t.i.c.l.e. Of course, this incident necessitated the use of a condom on every occasion, and it greatly spoiled my pleasure. About this time a brother-officer older than myself made advances to me. He compared me to a Greek statue, and wanted to kiss me. I would have nothing to do with him, but was glad to have his confessions of h.o.m.os.e.xuality and somewhat surprised to learn that he was not alone in the regiment. I afterward fell in love with his sister, and he married and had children. He was bis.e.xual in his inclinations, but was really in love with me for a short time.

"I had little to do with professionals until I went to South Africa, and though I was fond of ladies' society, and liked by ladies, I looked upon them as something apart, especially married women, and never attempted to take liberties with them; though I used to with shopgirls, etc., in my cramming days, and had often been in love. In South Africa I first began really to enjoy coitus, and on going to India continued to do so; in fact, I thought s.e.xually of nothing else and rarely m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed,-perhaps once in three weeks. I would go to brothels wherever they were available, Durban, Cape Town, Colombo, Calcutta, Bombay, and at one time preferred black women to white. I used to have horrible orgies with my brother-officers, and on one occasion I ordered six women to my bungalow in order to celebrate my birthday, and made a present of them to five of my friends after dinner. During this period, and until I went home, I rarely spoke to a lady, the chief exception being No. 1, a brother-officer's wife, with whom I began to be in love.

"Shortly after the South African War I fell violently in love with a young brother-officer, 'Z.' It amounted to a pa.s.sion and I was forced to make overtures to him. He did not understand, being ignorant of h.o.m.os.e.xuality and quite virile, and would have nothing to do with me, though he was very nice about it. This lasted for about a year, and then, thinking no doubt that he had better stop it, as I was really making myself very ridiculous and was mad with love, he threw me up altogether. I was intensely miserable for some time, and then I recovered and we made it up, and are now firm friends. I still want to kiss and stroke him when I see him naked, but would do nothing more. I went home by way of j.a.pan after several years' absence from home, taking the women of the Eastern ports as I went, until I contracted gonorrhea in the Tokio Yos.h.i.+wara. I could not get rid of it, and arrived home in that state, having been deprived of the pleasure of trying several new races on the way in consequence. In England I rushed into a society which I had quit on such different terms, and it received me with open arms. I very soon began a flirtation with a married woman, and she completed my education in kissing which had been begun by the j.a.panese harlots. I was just coming to the point with this woman when I met No. 1 again, and my love for her was at once renewed. I told her so, but I knew that she did not return it. I then became attracted to No. 2, a girl older than myself, whom I had known all my life. I kissed her and fondled her b.r.e.a.s.t.s; but she would not allow anything else, until one night, when in the train with her, I got my hand down farther than she intended. It ended in my performing c.u.n.n.i.l.i.n.g.u.s on her first, and then obtaining satisfaction between her thighs-a large step to take after the former limitations. Previous to this I had on several occasions obtained an emission, without meaning to, by lying on her fully dressed. She was aware of my disease, which by that time had become a gleet and did not inconvenience me in any way. From that time until I went back to India we went through the same performance whenever possible, I masturbating her sometimes with the finger, sometimes with the tongue, and having connection with various parts of her body, including the b.r.e.a.s.t.s, but always with a condom on account of my disease. She used to strip for my edification, and we frequently spent the night in the same bed. I was attracted to her mentally, but not very much physically; that is to say, that if circ.u.mstances had not thrown us together I should never have picked her out from other girls as being s.e.xually attractive to me. I returned to India, and to No. 1, though I kept faithful to No. 2 in word and deed for five months, but gradually the overmastering influence of No. 1 rea.s.serted itself over me. And then I met No. 3. We were attracted to each other at first acquaintance, and the attraction was mental and s.e.xual. She was married and in love with another man, but that did not prevent her from kissing me. I felt her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed her, and had emissions by lying on her, but she drew the line at one thing, viz., kissing on the lips; and I drew it at coitus. We arranged a trip together during which I went to bed with her, but never had coitus, though we both had frequent o.r.g.a.s.ms in other ways. Before starting on this trip I had thought that I should not see No. 1 again, and she let me kiss her, to my unspeakable joy. Circ.u.mstances, however, intervened, and I went straight to No. 1 after parting with No. 3, told her all I had done, and then kissed her again, leaving her just before her real lover, with whom she was then living, arrived. Later I returned again to No. 1, now in child to her lover. We lived together for three nights in spite of this. She then went home, and I had no connection with any woman for two years, except one black woman, being consumed with love and wors.h.i.+p for No. 1. I was much in society, but never had any luck. At the end of this time I was traveling one night with a young officer ('X'), slight and effeminate and preferring men to women, with whom I had been until then on friendly but not intimate terms. I watched him undress and go to bed, and then, having myself undressed, went over to his bunk and put my hand under his clothes. He at once responded, and I got into his bed, both of us being in a frenzy of pa.s.sion and surprise. But I was fairly sure of my ground or I would not have dared to take the risk. I used often to go to his bed after this, and on one occasion had coitus with a girl on a chair at a ball and the next night with my young officer. I scarcely knew the girl, and don't know her name now, but I took her measure, made her excited by manipulation and kissing, and then got her consent. I did not harm her, even if I had been the first, for o.r.g.a.s.m occurred before I had penetrated beyond the lips. X surprised me by telling me that he had had connection with three other officers in my regiment, as well as with several others in the same station. He would not tell me their names, but I guessed easily enough. He used to drink heavily, and once I got into his bed when he was in a drunken stupor and he was quite unaware that I was there for some time. I myself was drinking too much at this time, and was frequently drunk before dinner. In the hot weather that followed I had one orgy in Bombay which lasted three nights. I started on a Greek and a Pole and finished up with a j.a.panese, two brother-officers accompanying me. Afterward I was much alone during the day in my bungalow, and used to become possessed by intense desire. I m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed occasionally, but by this time took but little pleasure in it, always craving for the moist human v.a.g.i.n.a. I had often heard, and myself quoted, the Pathan proverb 'Women for breeding; boys for pleasure; melons for delight,' and one day when seeking for some novelty with which to m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e, and my eye being caught by a melon put ready for me to eat, it flashed across me to try whether the proverb was in any way true. I found it most satisfactory, and practised it several times after that, the pepita (papaye or pawpaw) being the nearest approach to the human v.a.g.i.n.a. The opportune arrival of a fairly good-looking punkah woman, however, put an end to this form of enjoyment by providing me with what I wanted. Soon afterward I went home again, taking the j.a.panese at Bombay on my way.

"I had kept up a correspondence with No. 1 all this time, but we had made a compact that whatever each did until we met again was not to count, and I knew that she had had at least one liaison since our parting, and was in entire ignorance of the state of her feelings toward me. Therefore, while trying to arrange a meeting with her, I took the first thing that chance threw in my way, thinking a bird in the hand better than the off chance of a better one in the bush. This was No. 4, with whom I spent three days at the seaside after having first had coitus with her in my own home while she was in the monthly state. Immediately on parting from her I came home to receive No. 1. The first time we were alone she kissed me, and this was followed by mutual confessions and coitus, though at first she said my affair was too recent. I agreed not to have connection again with No. 4, and kept to this until when staying in the same house again with her I was tempted beyond my powers; and I may add that she gave me no a.s.sistance in keeping this promise, of which she was fully cognizant. I at once wrote and confessed to No. 1, and she very naturally would have nothing more to do with me. But I managed to reconcile her, and we afterward lived together for three days in the country, as well as in London and in her own house. Meanwhile No. 5 had been making advances to me which I could not well refuse, being a very old friend. Nos. 4 and 5 were on one occasion staying together at my house, just after I had been faithless to No. 1 with No. 4. I could not very well sleep with them both, so at the earnest entreaty of No. 4 I went to her room first, told her my reasons for not having connection with her, left her in tears, and then went and slept with No. 5. This is the only transaction I have ever concealed from No. 1; but No. 5 knows my whole story and accepts the situation of being only second so long as I give her satisfaction whenever possible. About this time I again met No. 3 and kissed and m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed her in a cab, but she would not allow me to go home with her. At the bidding of No. 1 I now broke entirely with No. 4, to the great grief and astonishment of my sister, whose friend she was. Shortly after this I again returned to India, where I quarreled hopelessly with No. 1, and I don't know to this day what my fault was, except that she had got tired of me. Her influence over me is, however, too great to be so easily broken, and I would return to her tomorrow if she moved a finger in reconciliation. During the following hot weather I slowly but surely, albeit quite unconsciously, obtained an influence over No. 6, and it ended by her falling desperately in love with me and allowing me to do what I liked. I did not love her, and told her about No. 1, whose image always remained in the back of my vision, whatever I was doing. She also accepted the situation, and I don't think has any grievance against me. For my part I have nothing but thanks and grat.i.tude and as much love as I am capable of to give her, and all the other women with whom I have had any s.e.xual relations. The following is a short account of the above women:-

"No. 1. Had coitus before marriage, for love and with full knowledge of the nature of the act. Agreement with her husband not to have coitus rigidly adhered to by both. Has had connection with five other men since marriage. Very pa.s.sionate, but faddy and particular. Slow at producing o.r.g.a.s.m. Likes being in bed naked, and liked me once for having kissed her mons veneris. Thin, with undeveloped b.r.e.a.s.t.s. Brilliant, good-looking. Artistic and highly intellectual. Never m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed, and did not know of h.o.m.os.e.xuality among women; very sensitive to touch on the pudenda.

"No. 2. Has had s.e.xual relations, but never coitus, with many men. Mutually m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed with one man. m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.ed herself frequently, and took a long time to produce o.r.g.a.s.m, even with c.u.n.n.i.l.i.n.g.u.s, which delighted her immensely. After having it performed, she would stoop down and pa.s.sionately kiss my lips. Fond of prolonged kisses, during which the tongue played a prominent part. Tall and fully developed, but no looks. Clever, masculine brain, and strong physically. Skillfully concealed her pa.s.sionate nature, which, however, was long in developing and was long kept in check by maidenly modesty.

"No. 3. Innocent before marriage, and hated her fiance even to touch her, which feeling still persists. Has had liaisons with many men, and several miscarriages, one legitimate, others illegitimate, and one illegitimate child. Does not m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.e herself, but readily yields to its seduction when performed by others. The most pa.s.sionate woman I have ever met. Good, typical, womanly figure, but thin and weak. Not much looks, but very fascinating to men. Clever and intellectual.

"No. 4. Coitus only with her husband before myself. Not very pa.s.sionate. I know nothing about masturbation or h.o.m.os.e.xuality in her case. Very broad hips, large b.r.e.a.s.t.s, and well-developed nates. Deserted by her husband. No children. Rather foolish and weak-minded. Penetration difficult owing to long l.a.b.i.a majora.

"No. 5. Knows all about h.o.m.os.e.xuality of both s.e.xes and wants to know more about everything. Probably m.a.s.t.u.r.b.a.t.es. Several children. In love with her husband at first, but now tired of him and took to other men for variety and because her husband had ceased to give her s.e.xual pleasure. Very pa.s.sionate; has slow o.r.g.a.s.m; likes nakedness and contact of body. Very large v.a.g.i.n.a. Broad hips and full b.r.e.a.s.t.s. Intellectual, but not so by nature. Artistic and very musical.

"No. 6. Absolutely innocent before marriage. Was practically raped by her husband on her marriage night. This disgusted her with the whole performance, and she could not bear her husband's caresses. During pregnancy she was frightened because she did not know what was going to happen, i.e., how the child was going to be born; and no one enlightened her,-doctor, nurse, or mother. Did not know the meaning of the words s.e.xual feeling, and never thought about s.e.xual matters at all until marriage. I roused her pa.s.sion, put things in their true light, made her have an o.r.g.a.s.m, and told her what it meant. The o.r.g.a.s.ms at first made her cry and nearly faint, and she thereafter became intensely pa.s.sionate. Very excited at c.u.n.n.i.l.i.n.g.u.s, which I practised on her more than once. She confessed that the o.r.g.a.s.m was stronger and more complete during coitus than during masturbation, which relieved my mind. She volunteered to strip naked and has but little shyness with me. Cannot bear her husband yet. She admits that she was only half a woman before she knew me, but now regrets her marriage. Short, thin, and slight, with narrow hips and no b.r.e.a.s.t.s. Quick woman's wit, but not intellectual.

"Of the prost.i.tutes I have known, perhaps 60 in number, the j.a.panese easily take the palm. They are scrupulously clean, have charming manners and beautiful bodies, and take an intelligent interest in the proceedings. Also they are not always thinking about the money. Perhaps the Kashmiris come next, though the Chinese run them very close. Some of the more expensive London women are bearable, but they are such harlots! The white women in the East are insupportable, and small wonder, for they consist of the dregs of the European and American markets. My list comprises English, French, German, Italian, Spanish-American, American, Bengali, Punjabi, Kashmiri, Kaffir, Singhalese, Tamil, Burmese, Malay, j.a.panese, Chinese, Greek, and Pole.