The Curate in Charge Part 22

"It is you who are mistaken," said the young rector, warmly. "The rest of us are ghosts; what are we all doing? The good people up there," and he pointed towards the Heath, "myself, almost everybody I know? living for ourselves--living to get what we like for ourselves, to make ourselves comfortable--to improve ourselves, let us say, which is the best perhaps, yet despicable like all the rest. Self-love, self-comfort, self-importance, self-culture, all of them one more miserable, more petty than the other--even self-culture, which in my time I have considered divine."

"And it is, I suppose, isn't it?" said Cicely. "It is what in our humble feminine way is called improving the mind. I have always heard that was one of the best things in existence."

"Do you practise it?" he asked, almost sharply.

"Mr. Mildmay, you must not be hard upon me--how can I? Yes, I should like to be able to pa.s.s an examination and get a--what is it called?--_diplome_, the French say. With that one's chances are so much better," said Cicely, with a sigh; "but I have so little time."

How the young man's heart swelled in the darkness!

"Self-culture," he said, with a half laugh, "must be disinterested, I fear, to be worthy the name. It must have no motive but the advancement of your mind for your own sake. It is the culture of you for you, not for what you may do with it. It is a state, not a profession."

"That is harder upon us still," said Cicely. "Alas! I shall never be rich enough nor have time enough to be disinterested. Good-night, Mr.

Mildmay; that is the way to the rectory."

"Are you tired of me so soon?"

"Tired of you?" said Cicely, startled; "oh no! It is very pleasant to talk a little; but that is your way."

"I should like to go with you to your door, please," he said; "this is such an unusual chance. Miss St. John, poor John Wyborn is dying; he has four children and a poor little wife, and he is just my age."

There was a break in the rector's voice that made Cicely turn her face towards him and silently hold out her hand.

"What am I to say to them?" he cried; "preach patience to them? tell them it is for the best? I who am not worthy the poor bread I eat, who live for myself, in luxury, while he--ay, and you----"

"Tell them," said Cicely, the tears dropping from her eyes, "that G.o.d sees all--that comforts them the most; that He will take care of the little ones somehow and bring them friends. Oh, Mr. Mildmay, it is not for me to preach to you; I know what you mean; but they, poor souls, don't go thinking and questioning as we do--and that comforts them the most. Besides," said Cicely, simply, "it is true; look at me--you spoke of me. See how my way has been made plain for me! I did not know what I should do; and now I can manage very well, live, and bring up the children; and after all these are the great things, and not pleasure,"

she added, with a soft little sigh.

"The children!" he said. "There is something terrible at your age to hear you speak so. Why should you be thus burdened--why?"

"Mr. Mildmay," said Cicely, proudly, "one does not choose one's own burdens. But now that I have got mine I mean to bear it, and I do not wish to be pitied. I am able for all I have to do."

"Cicely!" he cried out, suddenly interrupting her, bending low, so that for the moment she thought he was on his knees, "put it on my shoulders!

See, they are ready; make me somebody in life, not a mere spectator.

What! are you not impatient to see me standing by looking on while you are working? I am impatient, and wretched, and solitary, and contemptible. Put your burden on me, and see if I will not bear it!

Don't leave me a ghost any more!"

"Mr. Mildmay!" cried Cicely, in dismay. She did not even understand what he meant in the confusion of the moment. She gave him no answer, standing at her own door, alarmed and bewildered; but only entreated him to leave her, not knowing what to think. "Please go, please go; I must not ask you to come in," said Cicely. "Oh, I know what you mean is kind, whatever it is; but please, Mr. Mildmay, go! Good-night!"

"Good-night!" he said. "I will go since you bid me; but I will come back to-morrow for my answer. Give me a chance for life."

"What does he mean by life?" Cicely said to herself, as, trembling and amazed, she went back into her bare little parlour, which always looked doubly bare after Mab had gone. Annie had heard her coming, and had lighted the two candles on the table; but though it was still cold, there was no fire in the cheerless little fireplace. The dark walls, which a large cheerful lamp could scarcely have lit, small as the room was, stood like night round her little table, with those two small sparks of light. A gla.s.s of milk and a piece of bread stood ready on a little tray, and Annie had been waiting with some impatience her young mistress's return in order to get to bed. The little boys were asleep long ago, and there was not a sound in the tiny house as Cicely sat down to think, except the sound of Annie overhead, which did not last long.

Life! Was this life, or was he making a bad joke at her expense? What did he mean? It would be impossible to deny that Cicely's heart beat faster and faster as it became clearer and clearer to her what he did mean; but to talk of life! Was this life--this mean, still, solitary place, which n.o.body shared, which neither love nor fellows.h.i.+p brightened? for even the children, though she devoted her life to them, made no warm response to Cicely's devotion. She sat till far into the night thinking, wondering, musing, dreaming, her heart beating, her head buzzing with the mult.i.tude of questions that crowded upon her. Life! It was he who was holding open to her the gates of life; the only life she knew, but more attractive than she had ever known it. Cicely was as much bewildered by the manner of his appeal as by its object. Could he--love her? Was that the plain English of it? Or was there any other motive that could make him desirous of taking her burden upon his shoulders? Could she, if a man did love her, suffer him to take such a weight on his shoulders? And then--she did not love him. Cicely said this to herself faltering. "No, she had never thought of loving him. She had felt that he understood her. She had felt that he was kind when many had not been kind. There had been between them rapid communications of sentiment, impulses flas.h.i.+ng from heart to heart, which so often accompany very close relations. But all that is not being in love,"

Cicely said to herself. Nothing could have taken her more utterly by surprise; but the surprise had been given, the shock received. Its first overpowering sensation was over, and now she had to look forward to the serious moment when this most serious thing must be settled, and her reply given.

Cicely did not sleep much that night. She did not know very well what she was doing next morning, but went through her work in a dazed condition, fortunately knowing it well enough to go on mechanically, and preserving her composure more because she was partially stupified than for any other reason. Mr. Mildmay was seen on the road by the last of the little scholars going away, who made him little bobs of curtsies, and of whom he asked where Miss St. John was?

"Teacher's in the school-room," said one unpleasant little girl.

"Please, sir," said another, with more grace or genius, "Miss Cicely's ain't come out yet. She's a-settling of the things for to-morrow."

Upon this young woman the rector bestowed a sixpence and a smile. And then he went into the school-room, the place she had decided to receive him in. The windows were all open, the desks and forms in disorder, the place as mean and bare as could be, with the maps and bright-coloured pictures of animal history on the unplastered walls. Cicely stood by her own table, which was covered with little piles of plain needle-work, her hand resting upon the table, her heart beating loud. What was she to say to him? The truth somehow, such as it really was; but how?

But Mr. Mildmay had first a great deal to say. He gave her the history of his life since August, and the share she had in it. He thought now, and said, that from the very first day of his arrival in Brentburn, when she looked at him like an enemy, what he was doing now had come into his mind; and on this subject he was eloquent, as a man has a right to be once in his life, if no more. He had so much to say, that he forgot the open public place in which he was telling his love-tale, and scarcely remarked the little response she made. But when it came to her turn to reply, Cicely found herself no less impa.s.sioned, though in a different way.

"Mr. Mildmay," she said, "there is no equality between us. How can you, such a man as you, speak like this to a girl such as I am? Don't you see what you are doing--holding open to me the gates of Paradise; offering me back all I have lost; inviting me to peace out of trouble, to rest out of toil, to ease and comfort, and the respect of the world."

"Cicely!" he said; he was discouraged by her tone. He saw in it his own fancy thrown back to him, and for the first time perceived how fantastic that was. "You do not mean," he said, faltering, "that to work hard as you are doing, and give up all the pleasure of existence, is necessary to your--your--satisfaction in your life?"

"I don't mean that," she said simply; "but when you offer to take up my burden, and to give me all your comforts, don't you see that one thing--one great thing--is implied to make it possible? Mr. Mildmay, I am not--in love with you," she added, in a low tone, looking up at him, the colour flaming over her face.

He winced, as if he had received a blow; then recovering himself, smiled. "I think I have enough for two," he said, gazing at her, as pale as she was red.

"But don't you see, don't you see," cried Cicely pa.s.sionately, "if it was you, who are giving everything, that was not in love, it would be simple; but I who am to accept everything, who am to put burdens on you, weigh you down with others beside myself, how can I take it all without loving you? You see--you see it is impossible!"

"Do you love any one else?" he asked, too much moved for grace of speech, taking the hand she held up to demonstrate this impossibility.

She looked at him again, her colour wavering, her eyes filling, her lips quivering.

"Unless it is you--n.o.body!" she said.

THE END.