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昨天 by 風弄 Chapter 15
Yesterday by Feng Nong.
When I wake up, it is already the next morning. Maybe it's due to the aftereffect of the injection but I'm a little dizzy and out of sorts. I blankly look around in boredom for a long time while sitting by the window in my pajamas. The maid knocks on the door and enters asking:
"Young master Huang, breakfast is ready. Would you like me to bring it in?" I nod my head, expressionless. She serves me bread, milk, sausage, ham, and eggs. How strange. It is obviously a western breakfast, even the eggs were hardboiled. The maid notices me looking at the eggs and flatly says:
"Master said, eggs cooked like this is very nutritious." Hearing those words, I don't even want to give those eggs a second look. I say coldly:
"I want to drink coffee."
"Master said, milk ......... " I immediately raise my head and scowl at this person who refuses to deviate even a little from Rong YuJiang's instructions. She lowers her head and says in embarra.s.sment:
"I'll go ask." She respectfully and cautiously escapes my gaze and leaves the room. Who are you going to ask? Of course it is Rong YuJiang. If even such small matters need his approval, how would he have time for anything else? Coffee was quickly brought up. I smile coldly. I suppose this can be considered a favor. Just like an emperor granting you a cup of coffee from high above. The maid is less arrogant than usual, bowing her head while entering and bowing her head while leaving. I'm not at all happy but rather feel sad. Using my power and status to take it out on people who have to take orders is against my nature. Don't tell me that YuJiang has squeezed away the etiquette and decorum my parents had instilled in me from childhood. Their painstaking effort in polis.h.i.+ng away my edges and corners gone to waste.
I drink the coffee that doesn't taste quite right and stand by the window looking into a distance. The Rong mansion is very large. Gardens, swimming pool, tennis court, brilliantly showing off the wealth of the Rong family. Earlier that year Uncle Rong must have felt extremely at ease standing at the window surveying his kingdom. Yet where is this former master today? I catch sight of YuJiang. He is at the tennis court, in great spirits, across from ZhouHeng. I recall the injection site on my arm. YuJiang with his back towards me spares no effort in returning the ball. His back is thick and broad, the muscles on his arm are strong and very appealing. I look at him competing against ZhouHeng, running east and west on the tennis court to return the shots as if he is in a dance. I can't help but smile. At that instant my heart suffers a huge shock. I quickly cover my mouth. No way! What's so good about these two despicable and contemptible people? YuJiang wins a point and suddenly turns around to wave his racket at me from a distance. Looks like he knew all along that I was observing him. I dodge behind the window and finish the coffee in the cup in one gulp. All at once, I am in agony. Sitting back in my original position, I hear YuJiang's hurried steps coming upstairs. I secretly pray that he won't come in but of course it's hopeless. It's fine, the heavens have no regard for my wellbeing, why would it be different today?
"ShengSheng," YuJiang squats on his heels in front of me, dressed in white sportswear. "Why are you not eating anything? You're always like that, not taking care of your health even a little." I put down the cup in my hand and lean back sleepily. He says smilingly: "I already instructed the kitchen to bring you coffee for breakfast from now on." He tenderly approaches me teasing: "Don't be angry. It's my fault. I even forgot what you like." I am bitterly disappointed. I ask:
"YuJiang, I wish to have a proper talk with you, OK?"
"Of course, how can it not be OK? I most like to hear you speak. ShengSheng, you used to like to speak to me non-stop, teaching me this and that." I avoid his pa.s.sionate gaze. Don't bring up the past. I beg you.
"YuJiang, there are a lot of things that I don't understand."
"What don't you understand? I'll teach you piece by piece." I look at his intimate smile, his patience simply incomparable on earth. I only feel sad and scared. "It is said that Everyone knows what is in Sima Zhao's mind. But it is not the same with you. I still don't know what you plan to do. Do you want to drive me crazy or slowly play with me? Please tell me, OK?" YuJiang shakes his head, not knowing whether to laugh or cry.
"ShengSheng, how can you compare me to Sima Zhao?"
"That's right," I nod my head: "You're even better than him. More formidable a hundred times, ten thousand times."
"ShengSheng, you're always exaggerating when it comes to me. Bringing me up to heaven or down to h.e.l.l, capable of all things." I push him away.
"YuJiang, what is it you're thinking of? What do I need to do in order to leave you? I beg you to tell me." I say: "Let's call the lawyer over. I'll sign the transfer of owners.h.i.+p doc.u.ment immediately, leaving Huang enterprise to you." YuJiang smiles bitterly:
"I went to a lot of trouble to get Huang enterprise for you. Why would I want you to hand it over to me?" I sit down dejectedly. That's right, Huang enterprise is not actually in my hands. What other leverage do I have?
"I have never wronged you, why do you want to torment me this way?" I woodenly say: "You even let YuTing go. Why aren't you willing to let me go? YuJiang, the scar on your forehead can be erased. Let me call the doctor to remove it. Let's settle our affairs completely, OK?" YuJiang is shocked. He looks at me for a moment and takes me into his arms. He says:
"ShengSheng, why have you changed so much?" There is a sobbing tone in his voice. I am dumbfounded, seeing his true feelings revealed once in a million years. "You used to love me so much, you used to wish for me to compete for Rong enterprise, why do you now want to leave me immediately?" He asks: "I have done so much for you, why are you simply unappreciative, only wis.h.i.+ng to leave me? What have I done wrong that let you hate me this much?" It really is like spitting blood. Spurting to extreme saturation, completely, perfectly. I say:
"Rong YuJiang, you put a listening device in my phone."
"I never forced you to use the phone. I was only concerned for your actions. YuTing is so crafty. One moment of inattentiveness and you could be in danger." I say:
"You left me in the room and gave YuTing the opportunity."
"I also asked dad to come home and act as your savior." I say:
"You let me get gang-raped. YuJiang, if you have even a little bit of love for me, how could you bear to let this happen?"
"ShengSheng ......... " He says in agony: "That is a mistake in my calculation. I came too late. I ......... I really didn't think that .......... "
"Say no more!" I suddenly shout violently. Calculation mistake. You even used me in your calculative plan. Looks like I'm also a useful chess piece, nothing more. Looks like it's like this. YuJiang's lofty figure is in front of me. I cover my ears. I shut my eyes. But I still can hear his voice, smell his scent. He asks:
"ShengSheng, why did you have a change of heart? Do you know that I love you so much that it hurts?" I shake my head and retreat, and fall on the bedside. "You make me fall in love and then leave me behind. How can I endure it?" YuJiang says: "I also don't want to keep you under surveillance, confine you. But if I turn away for even a second, you would secretly leave me right under my eyes. Do you always fool people this way?" He holds my hand and pulls me up from the bed.
"YuJiang, let go of my hand." I can't find any words to refute him. His eloquence and mine differ immensely. I can only beg him: "Please don't be like this. I'm very afraid."
"Are you afraid?" YuJiang hugs me softly says: "I'm also afraid. Ever since I was young, there was nothing that belonged to me. It looked like it was mine, but it actually belonged to YuTing, everything belonged to YuTing. I could only struggle, secretly struggle. I didn't give up on Rong enterprise, I won't give up on you." He is even more tender and sincere compared to those days. I am even more scared out of my mind compared to those days. "ShengSheng, you were so good to me. There never was anyone that cared for me so much. My success is also your happiness, am I right?" I say:
"YuJiang, you are already successful, why should you care if I am happy?"
"I can't allow that." He kisses my lips as if trying to hold back my words: "I want to be together with you. Once we're together, only then will you be happy. Why don't you understand? That's right, you're too young, too naive, unable to see everything clearly."
"No! No! YuJiang, As long as you let me go I will be sufficiently happy." I avoid his kiss: "You have so much wealth, you're also so brilliant, you could have anyone you want. I'm not the least bit capable, not the least bit fitting for you."
"ShengSheng ............ " He stops his pa.s.sionate chase and calmly lifts up my chin: "My whole life, I have only gone to bed with you." I am greatly shocked. My head fills up with shooting stars, twinkling unceasingly. I don't know what I'm feeling. "You're the only one for me .......... " He looks into my eyes, as if wanting to look into my soul. In my heart I say it's not true, a thousand times, ten thousand times. But .......... I believe. I ask:
"YuJiang, if I were to ask you to choose between Rong enterprise and me, which would you choose?" He panics. If he smoothly answers that he chooses me, I can only laugh out loud and have no more illusions about the matter. Never again believing in this fellow with impeccable acting skills. But his terrified response stabs me in the heart. YuJiang, are you showing a fraction of your true self? Can you really have something left for me? Maybe this momentary hesitation is also an act. Adding one more tough and sticky strand to the thousand and one strands of spider web that binds me, making me even more hopeless forever.
"Go away!" I use all my strength to push him away, covering my eyes and yelling: "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" I'm unable to shed any tears, only adding in a sobbing voice: "I still don't love you! No, I never loved you, not ever!" After that loud outburst, I breathe heavily and weakly lean at the foot of the bed. I hear YuJiang heave a sigh and say calmly:
"OK, I understand." He repeats what I said, word by word, calmly and indifferently: "You hate me. You never loved me." Listening to him saying those words, I only now understand ------------ him softly saying a few words will make people suffer a violent upheaval, sinking down to the lowest h.e.l.l. I gravely nod:
"That's right. I hate you." Clear and concise, extremely simple. YuJiang raises his head and sighs.
"Looks like it's like this." He sighs: "Looks like it's like this .......... " He leaves with a big sigh. I have nothing to say. What else is there to say? What else is there to cry over? Yesterday's all sorts of sweet thoughts, are like poison, strand by strand, coiling around my heart. That's right, things remain the same but it's the people that change. Why not ruin it completely, so that I won't have any more extravagant hopes in this life, in this world. I can't stand it! Originally my position was that of someone that is blameless, suffering hards.h.i.+ps and injury. But after letting YuJiang stir me up to such an extent, it is no longer clear who had wronged who. I curl up and s.h.i.+ver at the foot of the bed, dazed for a long time.
Terrified, I suddenly realize there is someone in the room. Raising my head, I am already being carried up into air and placed on the bed. YuJiang tucks me in properly. He has his usual expression, as if this morning's heartfelt confrontation with me did not happen at all. He looks after me with great care as before, calmly and breezily.
"Go to sleep, ShengSheng." ZhouHeng walks up from behind him, with yet another syringe in his hand. My pupils suddenly contract and I curl up into a ball. Everything seems to be in slow motion like in a TV show, except that I am unable to resist whatsoever. I see a clear liquid entering my veins, mixing with my blood. YuJiang strokes my eyelids and let the darkness bring me to my dreams. "I will never let you go, ShengSheng. Never let you go." I hear these words in between dreams and reality. I can only hope that it is a dream.
Yesterday by Feng Nong.
When I wake up, it is already the next morning. Maybe it's due to the aftereffect of the injection but I'm a little dizzy and out of sorts. I blankly look around in boredom for a long time while sitting by the window in my pajamas. The maid knocks on the door and enters asking:
"Young master Huang, breakfast is ready. Would you like me to bring it in?" I nod my head, expressionless. She serves me bread, milk, sausage, ham, and eggs. How strange. It is obviously a western breakfast, even the eggs were hardboiled. The maid notices me looking at the eggs and flatly says:
"Master said, eggs cooked like this is very nutritious." Hearing those words, I don't even want to give those eggs a second look. I say coldly:
"I want to drink coffee."
"Master said, milk ......... " I immediately raise my head and scowl at this person who refuses to deviate even a little from Rong YuJiang's instructions. She lowers her head and says in embarra.s.sment:
"I'll go ask." She respectfully and cautiously escapes my gaze and leaves the room. Who are you going to ask? Of course it is Rong YuJiang. If even such small matters need his approval, how would he have time for anything else? Coffee was quickly brought up. I smile coldly. I suppose this can be considered a favor. Just like an emperor granting you a cup of coffee from high above. The maid is less arrogant than usual, bowing her head while entering and bowing her head while leaving. I'm not at all happy but rather feel sad. Using my power and status to take it out on people who have to take orders is against my nature. Don't tell me that YuJiang has squeezed away the etiquette and decorum my parents had instilled in me from childhood. Their painstaking effort in polis.h.i.+ng away my edges and corners gone to waste.
I drink the coffee that doesn't taste quite right and stand by the window looking into a distance. The Rong mansion is very large. Gardens, swimming pool, tennis court, brilliantly showing off the wealth of the Rong family. Earlier that year Uncle Rong must have felt extremely at ease standing at the window surveying his kingdom. Yet where is this former master today? I catch sight of YuJiang. He is at the tennis court, in great spirits, across from ZhouHeng. I recall the injection site on my arm. YuJiang with his back towards me spares no effort in returning the ball. His back is thick and broad, the muscles on his arm are strong and very appealing. I look at him competing against ZhouHeng, running east and west on the tennis court to return the shots as if he is in a dance. I can't help but smile. At that instant my heart suffers a huge shock. I quickly cover my mouth. No way! What's so good about these two despicable and contemptible people? YuJiang wins a point and suddenly turns around to wave his racket at me from a distance. Looks like he knew all along that I was observing him. I dodge behind the window and finish the coffee in the cup in one gulp. All at once, I am in agony. Sitting back in my original position, I hear YuJiang's hurried steps coming upstairs. I secretly pray that he won't come in but of course it's hopeless. It's fine, the heavens have no regard for my wellbeing, why would it be different today?
"ShengSheng," YuJiang squats on his heels in front of me, dressed in white sportswear. "Why are you not eating anything? You're always like that, not taking care of your health even a little." I put down the cup in my hand and lean back sleepily. He says smilingly: "I already instructed the kitchen to bring you coffee for breakfast from now on." He tenderly approaches me teasing: "Don't be angry. It's my fault. I even forgot what you like." I am bitterly disappointed. I ask:
"YuJiang, I wish to have a proper talk with you, OK?"
"Of course, how can it not be OK? I most like to hear you speak. ShengSheng, you used to like to speak to me non-stop, teaching me this and that." I avoid his pa.s.sionate gaze. Don't bring up the past. I beg you.
"YuJiang, there are a lot of things that I don't understand."
"What don't you understand? I'll teach you piece by piece." I look at his intimate smile, his patience simply incomparable on earth. I only feel sad and scared. "It is said that Everyone knows what is in Sima Zhao's mind. But it is not the same with you. I still don't know what you plan to do. Do you want to drive me crazy or slowly play with me? Please tell me, OK?" YuJiang shakes his head, not knowing whether to laugh or cry.
"ShengSheng, how can you compare me to Sima Zhao?"
"That's right," I nod my head: "You're even better than him. More formidable a hundred times, ten thousand times."
"ShengSheng, you're always exaggerating when it comes to me. Bringing me up to heaven or down to h.e.l.l, capable of all things." I push him away.
"YuJiang, what is it you're thinking of? What do I need to do in order to leave you? I beg you to tell me." I say: "Let's call the lawyer over. I'll sign the transfer of owners.h.i.+p doc.u.ment immediately, leaving Huang enterprise to you." YuJiang smiles bitterly:
"I went to a lot of trouble to get Huang enterprise for you. Why would I want you to hand it over to me?" I sit down dejectedly. That's right, Huang enterprise is not actually in my hands. What other leverage do I have?
"I have never wronged you, why do you want to torment me this way?" I woodenly say: "You even let YuTing go. Why aren't you willing to let me go? YuJiang, the scar on your forehead can be erased. Let me call the doctor to remove it. Let's settle our affairs completely, OK?" YuJiang is shocked. He looks at me for a moment and takes me into his arms. He says:
"ShengSheng, why have you changed so much?" There is a sobbing tone in his voice. I am dumbfounded, seeing his true feelings revealed once in a million years. "You used to love me so much, you used to wish for me to compete for Rong enterprise, why do you now want to leave me immediately?" He asks: "I have done so much for you, why are you simply unappreciative, only wis.h.i.+ng to leave me? What have I done wrong that let you hate me this much?" It really is like spitting blood. Spurting to extreme saturation, completely, perfectly. I say:
"Rong YuJiang, you put a listening device in my phone."
"I never forced you to use the phone. I was only concerned for your actions. YuTing is so crafty. One moment of inattentiveness and you could be in danger." I say:
"You left me in the room and gave YuTing the opportunity."
"I also asked dad to come home and act as your savior." I say:
"You let me get gang-raped. YuJiang, if you have even a little bit of love for me, how could you bear to let this happen?"
"ShengSheng ......... " He says in agony: "That is a mistake in my calculation. I came too late. I ......... I really didn't think that .......... "
"Say no more!" I suddenly shout violently. Calculation mistake. You even used me in your calculative plan. Looks like I'm also a useful chess piece, nothing more. Looks like it's like this. YuJiang's lofty figure is in front of me. I cover my ears. I shut my eyes. But I still can hear his voice, smell his scent. He asks:
"ShengSheng, why did you have a change of heart? Do you know that I love you so much that it hurts?" I shake my head and retreat, and fall on the bedside. "You make me fall in love and then leave me behind. How can I endure it?" YuJiang says: "I also don't want to keep you under surveillance, confine you. But if I turn away for even a second, you would secretly leave me right under my eyes. Do you always fool people this way?" He holds my hand and pulls me up from the bed.
"YuJiang, let go of my hand." I can't find any words to refute him. His eloquence and mine differ immensely. I can only beg him: "Please don't be like this. I'm very afraid."
"Are you afraid?" YuJiang hugs me softly says: "I'm also afraid. Ever since I was young, there was nothing that belonged to me. It looked like it was mine, but it actually belonged to YuTing, everything belonged to YuTing. I could only struggle, secretly struggle. I didn't give up on Rong enterprise, I won't give up on you." He is even more tender and sincere compared to those days. I am even more scared out of my mind compared to those days. "ShengSheng, you were so good to me. There never was anyone that cared for me so much. My success is also your happiness, am I right?" I say:
"YuJiang, you are already successful, why should you care if I am happy?"
"I can't allow that." He kisses my lips as if trying to hold back my words: "I want to be together with you. Once we're together, only then will you be happy. Why don't you understand? That's right, you're too young, too naive, unable to see everything clearly."
"No! No! YuJiang, As long as you let me go I will be sufficiently happy." I avoid his kiss: "You have so much wealth, you're also so brilliant, you could have anyone you want. I'm not the least bit capable, not the least bit fitting for you."
"ShengSheng ............ " He stops his pa.s.sionate chase and calmly lifts up my chin: "My whole life, I have only gone to bed with you." I am greatly shocked. My head fills up with shooting stars, twinkling unceasingly. I don't know what I'm feeling. "You're the only one for me .......... " He looks into my eyes, as if wanting to look into my soul. In my heart I say it's not true, a thousand times, ten thousand times. But .......... I believe. I ask:
"YuJiang, if I were to ask you to choose between Rong enterprise and me, which would you choose?" He panics. If he smoothly answers that he chooses me, I can only laugh out loud and have no more illusions about the matter. Never again believing in this fellow with impeccable acting skills. But his terrified response stabs me in the heart. YuJiang, are you showing a fraction of your true self? Can you really have something left for me? Maybe this momentary hesitation is also an act. Adding one more tough and sticky strand to the thousand and one strands of spider web that binds me, making me even more hopeless forever.
"Go away!" I use all my strength to push him away, covering my eyes and yelling: "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" I'm unable to shed any tears, only adding in a sobbing voice: "I still don't love you! No, I never loved you, not ever!" After that loud outburst, I breathe heavily and weakly lean at the foot of the bed. I hear YuJiang heave a sigh and say calmly:
"OK, I understand." He repeats what I said, word by word, calmly and indifferently: "You hate me. You never loved me." Listening to him saying those words, I only now understand ------------ him softly saying a few words will make people suffer a violent upheaval, sinking down to the lowest h.e.l.l. I gravely nod:
"That's right. I hate you." Clear and concise, extremely simple. YuJiang raises his head and sighs.
"Looks like it's like this." He sighs: "Looks like it's like this .......... " He leaves with a big sigh. I have nothing to say. What else is there to say? What else is there to cry over? Yesterday's all sorts of sweet thoughts, are like poison, strand by strand, coiling around my heart. That's right, things remain the same but it's the people that change. Why not ruin it completely, so that I won't have any more extravagant hopes in this life, in this world. I can't stand it! Originally my position was that of someone that is blameless, suffering hards.h.i.+ps and injury. But after letting YuJiang stir me up to such an extent, it is no longer clear who had wronged who. I curl up and s.h.i.+ver at the foot of the bed, dazed for a long time.
Terrified, I suddenly realize there is someone in the room. Raising my head, I am already being carried up into air and placed on the bed. YuJiang tucks me in properly. He has his usual expression, as if this morning's heartfelt confrontation with me did not happen at all. He looks after me with great care as before, calmly and breezily.
"Go to sleep, ShengSheng." ZhouHeng walks up from behind him, with yet another syringe in his hand. My pupils suddenly contract and I curl up into a ball. Everything seems to be in slow motion like in a TV show, except that I am unable to resist whatsoever. I see a clear liquid entering my veins, mixing with my blood. YuJiang strokes my eyelids and let the darkness bring me to my dreams. "I will never let you go, ShengSheng. Never let you go." I hear these words in between dreams and reality. I can only hope that it is a dream.
