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Arita couldn't forget about the delicious food at the bar that Hirose dragged him to, so he headed for the tiny side road on his way back from work. He pushed back the noren (the piece of cloth that they drape in front of the store) and entered. The inside wasn't full of people. When he sat at the counter, the owner seemed to have recognized Arita's face, since he smiled and started to talk to him.
"Are you alone today?"
"He still has some work left."
When he ordered several dishes, they came out one by one in front of him. While he sipped at the j.a.panese wine, he ate pieces of dry side dish. He slowly tasted them. Not even 10 minutes after Arita took his seat, the door slid open and the owner's voice landed in his ears.
"Welcome, Mr. Hirose. Your mentor is here, ahead of you."
When Arita quickly looked back, his eyes met with Hirose's surprised face. Hirose started to head for another seat while standing at the entrance, but the owner placed a hand-wipe and water gla.s.s next to Arita before he had a chance to move.
Hirose slowly approached Arita and asked, "Could I seat next to you?"
"Go ahead," he answered. He can't even say that he wished Hirose didn't come. It was Arita's fault for sauntering into Hirose's favorite store. Of course they'd b.u.mp into each other.
Hirose seemed to notice Arita's th.o.r.n.y atmosphere, since he only talked to the bar owner.
"I'm thinking about heading to Kakisane(垣狹根) this time. Ice might have frozen at Kamijyoike(上城地) by now."
"That's true... Have you ever seen Mr. Hirose's pictures?"
The owner suddenly changed the topic, startling Arita. His gaze met with Hirose's.
"No, I haven't."
"Do you see that snow photograph there? The kazabana(風花, the snow that is floating on a bright day, like flowers)? Mr. Hirose has given that to me."
On the interior of the store, there was a enlarged photograph about size of a notebook, inside a wooden frame. It was a mystical photograph of snow powder dancing on a bright blue sky.
"What a gorgeous photo."
"Of course."
"Haven't... we talked enough about photographs?"
Hirose tried to interrupt, looking uneasy. However, the owner did not stop talking.
"Thanks to Mr. Hirose, I bought a camera, too, but it was quite complicated. I couldn't take wonderful pictures like Mr. Hirose."
The owner was called away by a woman who was probably his wife, and disappeared to the insides of the kitchen. When the owner disappeared, there was only unnatural silence between the two.
Arita looked at Hirose's photograph hanging inside of the store. Long time ago, when he was so young that even his memory was vague, Arita saw snow falling from a brilliant cerulean sky. Lead by his mother's hand, he walked and thought that the brightly sparkling bits of snow was like a present from the heavens.
"Does kazabana fascinate you?"
Hirose asked that.
"No, I just feel like I've seen it before."
For about an hour they drank together, and left the store at the same time. Their way home was the same direction so they walked side by side, but for some reason, it felt awkward. Last time he could pa.s.s it off as "returning thanks," but he couldn't avoid the meeting this time.
"I have several pictures of kazabana. I will bring it to you next time."
"It's okay."
When Hirose stopped, Arita couldn't just keep going, so he had to stop, too. He scratched his neck at the awkwardness of it all.
"No matter what a nice guy you are, I don't think it's going to work. Photographs and all the other things... It's meaningless," Arita spat out.
"Will it annoy you if I bring you the pictures?"
"No... What I want to say is, it's not going to be effective."
Hirose smiled.
"I know I can't do anything, and I'm not trying to slyly hit on you. As long as you enjoy the pictures I took at least a bit, that will make me happy. Could you just bear with me being selfish a bit more?"
3 days later, there was an unlabeled manila folder on Arita's desk.
Inside the folder were about 10 scenic photographs, starting with one of kazabana. When Arita returned to his apartment, he stared at them. Inside there was also photo of a surfer, so Arita couldn't help but laugh at little.
The next day, Arita thanked Hirose. Hirose said he wanted to show him the pictures he took when he was travelling overseas. Hirose opened the alb.u.m at the bar, and busily told Arita about the time he visited India. Arita vaguely thought that he wanted to travel to India, too.
It was around that time that after work, they often went to that bar if their time worked out. They both lived alone, and it was bothersome to cook so everyday they stopped by the store.
If they missed each other at work and headed to the store separately, they'd often b.u.mp into each other. At that time, Hirose looked very happy. He'd shyly smile and sit next to Arita, as if that was expected of him. In the reverse case, Arita sat next to Hirose, too.
Sometimes, his little brother would call him. He'd carelessly, but surely ask at the end, "How are they?" Arita would answer to the question without a specific noun, "They're fine." After his little brother was rea.s.sured that Arita and their parents were fine, he'd be relieved and hang up.
A day after he had gotten such a phone call, Arita saw Hirose's face and remembered. Hirose said he "liked" him. However, Hirose was different from his little brother's boyfriend. He knew what was acceptable, and he did not expect anything from Arita. Even though they were together, there wasn't even one whispered sweet talk. They would just talk. Arita didn't dislike plain talking, either. When Hirose asked him out for a drive, Arita thought it might be better for him not to go. However, such anxiety quickly dissipated. Hirose seemed to just enjoy going outside, like a elementary school kid enjoying a field trip. While watching enthusiastic Hirose, Arita's nervousness disappeared, too.
Hirose didn't mind driving, and if he wanted to go somewhere, he'd gladly drive for hours. Arita felt bad and drove few times, too. However, Hirose mostly drove. Whenever they left, Hirose would put the big camera bag on the back seat.
When they have arrived at their destination, the first thing that Hirose would do is to take the camera out. It was a heavy-looking camera that gleamed black. When they went to a faraway place for the first time and Arita seemed fascinated by Hirose's hand movements, he proudly showed him a large lens about 6-7 centimeters in diameter.
"This is the Olympus lens that I told you about before that fell into the hot springs," he said. Arita laughed until his stomach hurt. He would happily walk with his tripod and large camera by his side, and if he found a place that he liked, he would stop and take photographs.
When Arita said he wanted to "try taking a picture," Hirose let him, and got it developed for him. His collection of photographs of sky, ocean, and mountain grew. It was bothersome to organize them in an alb.u.m, so Arita stuffed them into a suitcase. Sometimes, he would remember to take them out and go through them. Some of the photos were of Arita.
Because of Hirose's influence, Arita started to long for a camera, too. However, it was somehow embarra.s.sing to ask Hirose about it, so he circled camera stores and collected pamphlets by himself. He should buy one and surprise Hirose by suddenly taking it out in front of him, he thought. The thought made Arita excited.
Hanging out with Hirose wasn't as a burden as going out with a woman. No matter where they went, they would pay for their own meals, so he liked it.
Hirose also didn't act on his whim. Arita haven't given anything to Hirose, and Hirose didn't expect anything from Arita.
"Recently, I've been together with you so often, Mr. Arita... So girls are asking me things about you. It's awful. They'd ask what your hobby is, whether you have a girlfriend..."
"Oh, that's really bad, Hirose. It's your rival. Did you tell them things about me?"
Arita playfully asked back.
"Of course not. I just beat around the bushes and told them I couldn't tell them anything. I don't want any more rivals."
Hirose would reply, laughing. It was a usual conversation at the bar. They were able to joke around like that. Meanwhile winter pa.s.sed by, and the season approached end of February. Arita's 30th birthday was just around the corner.
One cold morning, it snowed before early spring. He entangled his fingers and rubbed the freezing ends. As Arita got into the elevator, he happened to ride with the team director. The team director said he had been looking for Arita, and called him away to his office. He wondered what it was all about. It turned out to be talk about sending off one of their seasoned workers to their main office at Tokyo this coming April for training purposes.
"I'm thinking I'd send one from either the sales department or the clerical department, but I wonder who would be good. It's for workers who has been working for 5-6 years. I think Sakai, Takami or Hirose would be good choices."
"That's true..."
Arita had this training before, too. The work was hard, but it was fun, so he enjoyed himself. It was a great program that reflected on his resume, too, so it had a positive effect on his career. Arita didn't hesitate.
"Wouldn't Hirose be good? He works hard, and he's responsible."
"True, I've already asked around... I was thinking about either Sakai or Hirose. If you say that, maybe I'll push for Hirose."
Team director closed the doc.u.ment pile that he was going through. He didn't think that he recommended him especially because they were good friends. Arita thought even if he had to push it, he wanted to send Hirose away on this training. He might get lonely, but the training was only for one year. If this would have a big impact on his climb up the ladder, Arita thought he wanted Hirose to go, even by force. That was his honest feelings.
─────────Hirose looked down. They were often silent together, but today there was a "dark" atmosphere that made him hard to approach. It was unusual for him to order two bottles of alcohol at his favorite bar. With a depressed face, he was sipping the drink by himself.
He thought Hirose was different from his usual self, and he found him weird. However, he felt he couldn't force the topic out of him as long as Hirose remained silent, so Arita quietly drank along with Hirose.
"Team director called me over today."
Arita t.i.tled his head. Hirose's face was next to him, who had stained ends of his eyes with red. He pulled at the neck tie around his neck and sighed.
"They're saying... they'd send me off to a training program at the main office at Tokyo. They said it's already been decided."
"Oh..." Arita answered him as if it was his first time hearing about this.
"It's only for seasoned workers, you know. That's great; congratulations. I went, too, but it was pretty fun, and you have absolutely nothing to lose from this. It's heavily reflected upon you when you're being promoted, too."
"I don't really care about being promoted..." Hirose spat.
Arita wrinkled his brows. Arita decided against telling Hirose that he had "recommended" him. It was embarra.s.sing to be seriously thanked about it, and he didn't want people to think he was playing favorites. He thought Hirose was sensitive about things like that. But he would never think in a million years that instead of being thanked, he would hear this kind of complaints.
"You should be more glad about this. There are some people who want to go badly, but can't."
"It's not welcomed, so I can't be glad about it," Hirose abruptly said.
"I can't believe you. What is your problem?" Arita pus.h.i.+ly asked, since he was upset about going through the trouble of helping Hirose out. Not fun. Hirose stole a glance at Arita's expression, then he dropped his head. Uncomfortable feeling spread like smoke. Arita placed his lips against the alcohol cup. The inside was empty. When he lifted he alcohol bottle, it was surprisingly empty, so he lightly shook it back and forth. No liquid sloshed inside. He wondered if he should order more and placed the empty bottle back on the table. His eyes met Hirose's eyes, who had lifted his head up again.
His heated gaze seemed to touch him. From his hair, to his cheeks, to his neck, to the ends of Arita's fingers that still clutched at the alcohol bottle.
"...Hirose."
He felt suffocated, like his neck was being choked. Arita desperately squeezed out his voice. When his name was called, Hirose pressed his face with his fists.
"I must be a bit drunk. I was s.p.a.cing out... I'm sorry."
Outside, a stormy gust blew. The strong rain and wind that he couldn't see seemed like it would blow away the umbrella, so like a shocked child, Arita felt himself shriveling up into tiny bits.
Hirose was staring at Arita through fingers covering up his face. His teary eyes gazed at nervous Arita.
"I am so happy every day. I can't tell you how fun it is to go to work, and to have dinner and talk together after work... It's like every time we decide to go away for a while together, and I get so excited like a kid that I can't go to sleep. I know you don't have special feelings towards me, Mr. Arita, and I know you hate things like that, but..."
Hirose placed both his elbows on the table, and rested his chin on his fists. He silently glared at the table top.
"So pathetic..." he muttered in a tiny voice. Hirose lifted his face and widely smiled. But it was a weird expression that looked like he was smiling while crying.
"... I did stop by the main office once before. The scale was totally different. And you say that it was fun, Mr. Arita, so I have high expectations. It'll be best to experience many things right now, after all." His strong voice sounded completely different from before.
"Well... That's true."
"The rent must be pretty expensive there. I wonder if it'll be okay? I want to bring my car with me, but the parking fee must be outrageous, too."
"There is a dormitory..."
"Oh, right. That's... good."
Hirose lapsed into a silence, and Arita didn't say anything, either. People that surrounded them chattered on and on, but the two of them remained quiet.
They separated at the familiar road. At that time Hirose's alcoholic influence wore off, so he apologized to Arita, I'm sorry for saying weird things.
"I'm not really worrying about it."
Arita knew that Hirose gave out a relieved sigh at those words.
When he came back, as always, he drew a hot tub and took a bath. While was.h.i.+ng tips of his toes, Hirose's face swam into his consciousness. He breathed out while dipping his whole body in the hot water. He placed a towel on his forehead and closed his eyes.
Hirose apologized for saying that it was a pleasure to meet with him. He wasn't happy at all, but in the end Hirose forced himself to look as if he was pleased about the training program. And that weird gaze.
"I love you, so I don't want to be away from you. It makes me unbelievably happy to meet you, so I don't want to go away to a training program."
Essentially Hirose's att.i.tude told him that. Arita slid down and sunk down so that end of his nose touched the water. If you're describing it that way, I'm lonely when I can't meet you, too. But there is no other way, since this is work. He muttered in a tiny voice to himself. Something felt weird so it made him angry. He hurriedly came out of the bath.
He changed to his pajamas and walked to the refrigerator to get himself a can of beer. He sat at the edge of the bed and poured the whole thing into his system. He tried to watch the TV news, but his head felt like it was up in the air. He kept catching himself thinking about Hirose.
And then today, they got on the same train on their way to work. Arita was the first one to notice him. For some reason he couldn't fall asleep, so all night he couldn't get any sleep. His lack of sleep made him almost late for work, and he managed to catch the train just in time.
The train was completely chaotic, and even though Hirose was less than 3 meters away, Arita didn't recognize him at first. But his head shot out above other people's heads, so he wondered if it was Hirose, and it did indeed turn out to be him. Hirose was clinging onto the handle while dozing. His head nodded back and forth. His eyes opened whenever the train stopped and roughly shook, and then he would hurriedly lift his face. Then he would start nodding again. It was funny to watch him, so Arita couldn't tear his gaze away.
Hirose suddenly turned back, as if someone had tapped on his shoulders. His eyes met the blank gaze. The sleepy eyes happily danced with laughter at Arita.
"Good morning."
He forced his way through the full train, and apologized to people that he had pushed out of the way. Hirose stood next to Arita. "You're a bit late today. Did you oversleep, too, Mr. Arita?"
"...I couldn't stop reading a book, so I went to bed late."
"Which book?"
He had hurriedly lied because he couldn't say that he had trouble sleeping because of thoughts about Hirose. Arita paused, unable to answer, while his eyes scanned the train advertis.e.m.e.nts.
"... Zero's Laws."
"Mera Scatmire*? I didn't know you read mystery novels, too, Mr. Arita. I wouldn't think you'd read them."
Hirose s.h.i.+fted his head, as if he read Arita's immediate regretful expression at lying.
There was a huge shaking, like an earthquake. The train suddenly stopped. His body got pushed forward, and Arita smashed his head right against Hirose's nose.
"Ouch!"
Hirose grimaced. Arita hurriedly tried to straighten his body that directly leaned against Hirose, but people pushed against him from the back, so he couldn't even move.
"I'm sorry, are you all right?"
"Yes... I wonder what happened."
Hirose didn't even bother trying to lift his arm to press down on his nose. Once again, Arita grabbed Hirose's elbows and supported his arms, trying to pull his body away from Hirose's body. However, it was impossible.
Across the s.h.i.+rt, their skin touched. They felt each other's warmth being diffused across.
"... We apologize for any inconvenience. Currently, on top of the rail..."
The announcement stated that someone had left their car on top of the train track, so they had stopped the train to get the car towed away. They had to stay like this for five or ten minutes. Arita gave up pulling away from Hirose and stiffened his body.
If he faced front of him, they had to stare at each other's face, so Arita turned his face a bit to the right side. He suddenly realized that Hirose's neck gave off a fragrance.
"Hirose, you're wearing a perfume or something?"
"A bit."
He had never met a guy who worried about how he smells, so it was a surprise. When Arita lifted his face, he met troubled gaze.
"When my sister was travelling abroad, she bought it for me as a gift. She said I had to be at least a little more fas.h.i.+onable. At first I was forced to wear it, but nowadays I grew to like it."
"Oh... What's it called?"
"It was a weird name. It was a German brand, so it kind of sounded like a physicist's name..."
Someone pushed his back. The train was stopped so there was no point in moving, but there were still people who tried to move around. He was strongly pushed against Hirose's chest, and a stiletto heel stepped on Arita's right foot.
Arita wrinkled his face and unconsciously pushed his right foot forward, as if running away. Probably both parties realized at the same time that it was a dangerous situation. Arita didn't know what to do about his thigh that split Hirose's legs and pressed against him. He tried to s.h.i.+ft his legs, but his right leg was blocked by wall of legs and couldn't be pulled back.
"Mr. Arita, please don't move around so much..." Hirose sounded like he wanted to cry, so Arita stopped moving. Arita felt it, too. Hirose's that was pressed against his thigh was hardening.
"I'm sorry..." Arita apologized without a thought. Hirose had turned his head away, and didn't say anything. Arita didn't say anything, either. The fragrance of perfume still lingered at the end of his nose. Their chests that were pressed together felt hot, and ends of his fingers that were grabbing Hirose's elbows felt hot, and the hardened feeling pressed against him felt hot as well.
He felt s.h.i.+ver running down his spine. Arita also knew that it wasn't because he was disgusted with the object pressing against him. If men... got naked and held each other, how would it feel? He thought about that, and his earlobes suddenly got hot.
The train started moving again. When they arrived at the next station, Hirose got mixed with surrounding people and walked ahead of Arita. Even though they have arrived at their station and they were walking to the office together, Hirose held his head down and did not say anything.
"I'm sorry," Arita called few times to his back, but Hirose only shook his head.
"I'm the pervert here."
Hirose muttered while biting down on his lips, right before they entered their company. All day, the words rang in Arita's ears.
