The Story of My Life; Being Reminiscences of Sixty Years' Public Service in Canada Part 3

_Sept. 3rd._--G.o.d has blessed me to-day in my studies. I have also felt the efficacy of Divine aid. Help me still, most merciful G.o.d!

_Sept. 4th._--In the course of the past week I have experienced various feelings, especially with respect to the dealings of Divine Providence with me; but in all I have had this consolation, that whatever happens, "the will of the Lord be done." It is my duty to perform and obey.

_Sept. 5th._--This morning I attended church and heard a sermon on Ezekiel xviii. 27. When we consider the importance of repentance, its connection with our eternal happiness, surely every feeling heart, and ministers especially, should exhibit with burning zeal the conditions of salvation, the slavery of vice, the heinousness of sin, the vanity of human glory, and the uncertainty of life.

_Sept. 6th._--When I laid aside my studies to commit my evening thoughts to paper, my mind wandered on various subjects, until much time was lost; the best antidote against this is, not to put off to the next moment what can be done in this. We should be firm and decided in all our pursuits, and whatever our minds "find to do, do it with all our might."

_Sept. 7th._--The mutual dependence of men cements society, and their social intercourse communicates pleasure. If we are called to endure the pains and inconveniences of poverty, possessing this we forget all; and in the pleasant walks of wealth, it adds to every elegance a charm. Friends.h.i.+p a.s.sociated with religion, elevates all the ties of Christian love and mutual pleasure.

_Sept. 8th._--I have found myself too much mingled with the common crowd, and like others, too indifferent to the subject of all others the chief.

_Sept. 9th._--We "cannot serve G.o.d and Mammon." May I be firm in my attachment to the Saviour, remembering that "G.o.dliness has the promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come."

_Sept. 12th._--I heard a practical sermon on making our "calling and election sure," which closed with these words, "He that calleth upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." I felt condemned on account of my negligence, and resolved, by G.o.d's help, to gain victory over my tendency to inconsistencies of life and conduct.

_Sept. 14th._--I observe men embarked on the stream of time, and carried forward with irresistible force to that universal port which shall receive the whole human family. Amongst this pa.s.sing crowd, how few are there who reflect upon the design and end of their voyage; surfeited with pleasure, involved in life's busy concerns, the future, with its awful realities, is forgotten and time, not eternity, is placed in the foreground.

_Sept, 15th._--In a letter to my brother George, to-day, I said:--It would be superfluous for me to tell you that the letter I received from you gave me unspeakable pleasure. Your fears with respect to my injuring my health are groundless, for I must confess I don't possess half that application and burning zeal in these all-important pursuits that I ought to have. For who can estimate the value of a liberal education? Who can sufficiently prize that in which all the powers of the human mind can expand to their utmost and astonis.h.i.+ng extent? What industry can outstretch the worth of that knowledge, by which we can travel back to the remotest ages, and live the lives of all antiquity? Nay, who can set bounds to the value of those attainments, by which we can, as it were, fly from world to world, and gaze on all the glories of creation; by which we can glide down the stream of time, and penetrate the unorganized regions of uncreated futurity? My heart burns while I write. Although literature presents the highest objects of ambition to the most refined mind, yet I consider health, in comparison with other temporal enjoyments, the most bountiful, and highest gift of heaven.

I have read three books of the Georgics, and three odes of Horace, but this last week I have read scarcely any, as I have had a great deal of company, and there has been no school. But I commence again to-day with all my might. The Attorney-General stops at Mr.

Aikman's during Court. I find him very agreeable. He conversed with me more than an hour last night, in the most sociable, open manner possible.

_Sept. 16th._--There is nothing of greater importance than to commence early to form our characters and regulate our conduct.

Observation daily proves that man's condition in this world is generally the result of his own conduct. When we come to maturity, we perceive there is a right and a wrong in the actions of men; many who possess the same hereditary advantages, are not equally prosperous in life; some by virtuous conduct rise to respectability, honour, and happiness; while others by mean and vicious actions, forfeit the advantages of their birth, and sink into ignominy and disgrace. How necessary that in early life useful habits should be formed, and turbulent pa.s.sions restrained, so that when manhood and old age come, the mind be not enervated by the follies and vices of youth, but, supported and strengthened by the Divine Being, be enabled to say, "O G.o.d, thou hast taught me from my youth, and now when I am old and grey-headed, O G.o.d, thou wilt not forsake me!"

_Sept. 21st._--I have just parted with an old and faithful friend, who has left for another kingdom. How often has he kindly reproved me, and how oft have we gone to the house of G.o.d together! We may never meet again on earth, but what a mercy to have a good hope of meeting in the better land!

_Sept. 23rd._--When I reflect on the millions of the human family who know nothing of Christ, my soul feels intensely for their deliverance. What a vast uncultivated field in my own country for ministers to employ their whole time and talents in exalting a crucified Saviour. Has G.o.d designed this sacred task for me? If it be Thy will, may all obstacles be removed, my heart be sanctified and my hands made pure.

_Sept. 26th._--I have been much oppressed with a man-fearing spirit, but what have I to fear if G.o.d be for me? Oh, Lord, enable me to become a bold witness for Jesus Christ!

_Sept. 28th._--In all the various walks of life, I find obstructions and labours, surrounded with foes, powerful as well as subtle; although I have all the promises of the Gospel to comfort and support me, yet find exertion on my own part absolutely necessary. When heaven proclaims victory, it is only that which succeeds labour. I consider it a divine requisition that my whole course of conduct, both in political and social life, should be governed by the infallible precepts of revelation; hypocrisy is inexcusable, even in the most trifling circ.u.mstances.

_Sept. 29th._--I find difficulties to overcome in my literary pursuits, I had never antic.i.p.ated; and it is only by the most indefatigable labour I can succeed. I am much oppressed by the labours of this day. I need Divine aid in this as well as in spiritual pursuits.

_Sept. 30th._--I have been enabled to study with considerable facility. Prayer I find the most profitable employment, practice the best instructor, and thanksgiving the sweetest recreation. May this be my experience every day!

_October, 2nd._--I am another week nearer my eternal destiny! Am I nearer heaven, and better prepared for death than at its commencement? Do I view sin with greater abh.o.r.ence? Are my views of the Deity more enlarged? Is it my meat and drink to do his holy will? Oh, my G.o.d, how much otherwise!

_From the 3rd to the 9th Oct._--During this period the afflicting hand of G.o.d has been upon me; thank G.o.d, when distressed with bodily pain, I have felt a firm a.s.surance of Divine favour, so that all fear of death has been taken away. My soul is too unholy to meet a holy G.o.d, and mingle with the society of the blest. Oh, G.o.d, save me from the deceitfulness of my own heart!

_Oct. 10th, Sabbath._--I am rapidly recovering health and strength.

The Lord is my refuge and comfort. Surrounded by temptations, the applause of men is often too fascinating, and my treacherous heart dresses things in false colours. But, bless G.o.d, in his goodness and mercy he recalls my wandering steps, and invites me to dwell in safety under the shadow of his wing.

_Oct. 11th._--No graces are of more importance than patience and perseverance. They give consistency and dignity to character. We may possess the most sparkling talents and the most interesting qualities, but without these graces, the former lose their l.u.s.tre, and the latter their charms. In religion their influence is more important, as they form the character, by enabling us to surmount difficulties and remove obstacles. I am far from thinking them const.i.tutional virtues, with a little additional cultivation, but I consider them the gift of heaven, less common than is generally imagined, though sometimes faintly counterfeited. They differ from natural or moral excellence in this being the proper and consistent exercise of those virtues.

_Oct. 12th._--It is two weeks to-day since I first wrote home. A week ago I received a kind letter from my brother George, but was too ill with fever to read it, or to write in reply until to-day. I said: "I feel truly thankful to you for the tender concern and warm interest which you express in your letter. Tell my dear Mother that I share with her her afflictions, and that I am daily more forcibly convinced that every earthly comfort and advantage is transient and unsatisfactory, that this is not our home, but that our highest happiness amidst these fluctuating scenes, is to insure the favour and protection of him who alone can raise us above afflictions and calamities."

_November 20th._--More than a month has elapsed since I recorded my religious feelings and enjoyments on paper. During this period, I have sometimes realized all the pleasures of health; at other times, borne down with pain and sickness, the spirit would be cast down. At such seasons of depression, religion would come in as my only comfort, and with the Psalmist I would exclaim, "Hope thou in G.o.d, for I shall yet praise him who is the light of my countenance, and my G.o.d." Thus I find from blessed experience, that in every state and condition, union and intercourse with G.o.d brings true peace, joy, trust, and praise. If there be any honour, here it is.

If there be any wealth, this is it. "I would rather be a door-keeper in the house of my G.o.d than dwell in the tents of wickedness." O Lord, give me more of the mind of Christ!

_Nov. 25th._--In entering on the field of life, I find my mind much perplexed with the variety of objects presented to my view. The comforts and tranquility of domestic happiness attract my attention, and excite warm desires in my heart. Am I not to taste the pleasures which two hearts reciprocally united in one, mutually communicate? or must I give up the home of domestic enjoyment to the calls of duty, and the salvation of men? Has heaven designed that I should spend my days in seeking the lost sheep of the House of Israel? May divine wisdom direct me, and suffer me not to follow the dictates of my own will!

_Nov. 26th._--By taking a retrospective view of what is past, we learn to ask more wisely in the time to come. The cool dictates of reason, a.s.sisted by that inward monitor, conscience, placed within the breast of every individual, strongly condemns every deviation from propriety, justice, or morality. By mingling with society we learn human nature, and the scenes of public resort afford us a field for useful observation, yet retirement is the place to acquire the most important knowledge--_the knowledge of ourselves_.

What would it avail us to dive into the mysteries of science, or entertain the world with new discoveries, to acquaint ourselves with the principles of morality, or learn the whole catalogue of Christian doctrines, if we are unacquainted with our own hearts, and strangers to the business of self-government?

_February 12th, 1825._--During the long period since I last penned my religious meditations, my feelings, hopes, and prospects have been extremely varied. While I was promising myself health and many temporal pleasures, G.o.d saw fit to show me the uncertainty of earthly things, and the necessity and wisdom of submission to his will, by the rod of affliction. During my sickness I have derived much pleasure and profit from the visits of pious friends, so that I have felt it is good to be afflicted.[4]

_Feb. 13th._--I am resolved, by G.o.d's a.s.sisting grace, to keep the following resolutions:--(1) Endeavour to fix my first waking thoughts on G.o.d; (2) By rising early to attend to my devotions, and reading the Scriptures; (3)By praying oftener each day, and maintaining a more devotional frame of mind; (4) By being more circ.u.mspect in my conduct and conversation; (5) By improving my time more diligently in reading useful books, and study; (6) By watching over my thoughts, and keeping my desires within proper bounds; (7) By examining myself more closely by the scripture rule; (8) By leaving myself and all that concerns me to G.o.d's disposal; (9) By reviewing every evening the actions of the day, and especially every Sabbath, examining wherein I have come short, or have kept G.o.d's precepts.

_Feb. 16th._--I have lately been closely employed in reading Bishop Burnet's History of the Reformation. How sad to reflect on the cruelties that were then practised against the professors of true religion! What a reason for thankfulness that the sway of papal authority can no longer inflict papal obligations on the consciences of men! But after careful research into this highly authentic history, I find but few vestiges of that apostolic purity which churchmen so boastfully attribute to that memorable period of Christian history. Great allowance, is, however, to be made when we consider that they were just emerging out of the superst.i.tions of popery. That doctrines, discipline, and ceremonies, cannot be established without the royal a.s.sent, even when they are approved both by ecclesiastical and legislative authority, is a practice so different from anything that the Primitive Church authorizes, it seems to me to originate from quite a different source; that a whole nation should be bound in their religious opinions by a single individual, savours so much of popery, I think it may properly be called its offspring. Pretentions to regal supremacy in church affairs were never made till a late period, although this interference of papal authority in matters entirely spiritual, does not annul any ecclesiastical power, or prove its doctrines to be corrupt, or its ordinations illegal. It may be justly ranked among the invasions of modern corruption.

_Feb. 17th._--Since I drew up, four days since, several resolutions for amendment, I bless G.o.d I have reason to believe I have made some improvement. I have applied myself more closely to study, prayed oftener, and governed my thoughts with more rigour.

_Feb. 27th._--I am now emerging into life, surrounded by blessings and opportunities for usefulness and improvement; but, alas! where is my grat.i.tude, my love to G.o.d, my zeal for his cause, and for the salvation of those who are ignorant of the great truths of the Gospel? If, O G.o.d, thou hast designed this awfully important work for me, qualify me for it; increase and enlarge my desires for the salvation of immortal souls!

_March 15th._--This day I have recommenced my studies with Mr. John Law, at Hamilton. How necessary that I should be very careful in my conduct for the credit of religion and Methodism!

_March 24th._--I have this day finished twenty-two years of my life. I have decided this day to travel in the Methodist Connexion and preach Jesus to the lost sons of men. Oh, the awful importance of this work! How utterly unfit I am for the undertaking! How little wisdom, experience, and, above all, grace do I possess for the labours of the ministry! Blessed Jesus, fountain of wisdom, G.o.d of power, I give myself to thee, and to the Church, to do with me according to thy will. Instruct and sanctify me, that whether I live, it may be to the Lord, and when I die it may be to the Lord!

_April 3rd.--Easter Sunday._--I this day commenced my ministerial labours. Bless the Lord, he has given me a heart to feel. He hears my prayer. Oh, my soul, hang all thy hopes upon the Lord! Forbid I should seek the praise of men, but may I seek their good and G.o.d's glory.

In the morning I endeavoured to speak from Ps. cxxvi. 5, and in the evening from Acts ii. 24--a subject suitable for the day; bless the Lord, I felt something of the power of my Saviour's resurrection resting on my soul.

_April 8th._--The Lord being my helper, my little knowledge and feeble talents shall be unreservedly devoted to his service. I do not yet regret giving up my worldly pursuits for the welfare of souls. I want Christ to be all in all.

_April 10th.--Sabbath._--I endeavoured this morning to show the abundant provisions, the efficacy, and the triumphs of the Gospel from Isaiah xxv. 6, 7, 8, and in the afternoon I described the righteous man and his end from Prov. xiv. 32. I felt much of the presence of the Lord, and I do bless the Lord he has converted one soul in this place to-day. I feel encouraged to go on.

_April 13th._--I have been depressed in spirit on account of having no abode for domestic retirement, and becoming exposed to all the besetments of public life.

_April 15th._--So bowed down with temptation to-day, I almost resolved to return to my native place. But, in G.o.d's strength, I will try to do my best during the time I have engaged to supply my brother William's place.

_April 16th._--In reading Rollin's account of the conquest of Babylon, I conceive more exalted ideas of the truth of the Word of G.o.d, whose predictions were so exactly fulfilled in the destruction of that city.

_April 17th.--Sabbath._--My labours this day have been excessive, having delivered three discourses. In the morning my mind was dull and heavy, in the afternoon warm and pathetic, in the evening clear and fertile. I feel encouraged to continue on.

_April 23rd._--I feel nothing but condemnation in reviewing the actions of the past week. Would it not be better for me to return home until I gain better government over myself. Oh, Lord, I throw myself upon thy mercy! "Take not thy Holy Spirit from me! Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation!"

_April 25th and 26th._--And thus I go on, depressed and refreshed; almost discouraged because of the way, and then cheered by the kind and fatherly conversation of Rev. Thomas Madden.

_April 29th._--In travelling to-day a tree fell across the road four or five rods before me, and another not far behind, but I escaped unhurt. My heart glowed with grat.i.tude; I felt that the Lord was indeed my protector. But whilst so narrowly escaping myself, two persons, a woman and her son, who were travelling a short distance behind me, were suddenly killed by the falling of a tree, and thus in an instant hurried into eternity.

_May 4th._--I watched to-day a large concourse of people a.s.sembled to witness horse-racing. I stood at a distance that I might observe an ill.u.s.tration of human nature. Curiosity and excitement were depicted in every countenance. What is to become of this thoughtless mult.i.tude? Is there no mercy for them? Surely there is.

Why will they not be saved? Because they will not come to Him.

_May 5th._--During the day I preached once, to a listening but wicked a.s.sembly. In the afternoon I heard my brother William. I was affected by the force of his reasoning, and the power of his eloquence. I hope the Lord will help me to imitate his piety and zeal.

_May 7th._--A camp-meeting was commenced this afternoon on Yonge Street, near the town of York. Rev. Thomas Madden preached from, "Lord help me!" Every countenance indicated interest, and every heart appeared willing to receive the word. In the evening a pious, aged man spoke (Mr. D. Y.) His discourse was full of G.o.d. Several were converted and made very happy.