Five Little Plays Part 5

BETTY. And I was to go into the street. But he did let me fill my bag!

WALTER. I think the playwrights come out on top, I do indeed. [_He goes to_ HECTOR, _and stands to left of him._] Hector, old chap, here's the letter!

BETTY. [_Going to the other side of_ HECTOR, _and dropping a low curtsey._] And please, Mr. Husband, was it to be a big bag, or a small bag, and might I have taken the silver teapot?

[HECTOR _has been standing there stupid, dazed, dumbfounded, too bewildered for his mind to act or thoughts to come to him; he suddenly bursts into a roar of t.i.tanic, overwhelming laughter. He laughs, and laughs, staggers to the sofa, falls on it, rocks and roars till the tears roll down his cheeks. He sways from side to side, unable to control himself--his laughter is so colossal that the infection catches the others; theirs becomes genuine too._

BETTY. [_With difficulty, trying to control herself._] The letter! Old Gillingham! "His name, scoundrel, his name!"

WALTER. [_Gurgling._] With his hand at my throat! Sit there, villain, and write!

BETTY. "I'll deal with _you_ presently! Wait till I've finished with _him!_"

WALTER. "Into the street!" At least, they _do_ usually say "into the night!"

HECTOR. [_Rubbing his eyes and panting for breath._] Oh, you pair of blackguards! Too bad--no, really too bad! It was! I fell in, I did! Oh, Lord, oh, Lord, what a nightmare! But it wasn't right, really it wasn't--no really! My Lord, how I floundered--head and shoulders-- swallowed it all! Comes of reading that muck every day--never stopped to think! I didn't! Walter, old chap! [_He holds out his hand._] Betty! My poor Betty! [_He draws her towards him._] The things I said to you!

BETTY. [_Carelessly eluding the caress._] At least admit that you're rather hard on the playwriting people!

HECTOR. [_Getting up and shaking himself._] Oh, they be blowed! Well, you _have_ had a game with me! [_He shakes himself again._] Brrrrr! Oh, my Lord! What I went through!

BETTY. It _was_ a lark! you should have seen yourself! Your eyes starting out of your head! You looked like a murderer!

HECTOR. By Jove, and I felt it! For two pins I'd have--

BETTY. And Mary Gillingham! _That's_ the funniest part! That you could have thought _he_ was engaged--to _her!_

[_Involuntarily the smile dies away on_ WALTER'S _face; he turns and stares at her; she goes on calmly._

BETTY. When she happens to be the one girl in this world he can't stand!

WALTER. [_With a movement that he can't control._] Betty!

BETTY. [_Turning smilingly to him._] No harm in my telling Hector--he scarcely knows her! [_She swings round to_ HECTOR _again._] Why, Walter simply _loathes_ the poor girl! That's what made it so funny! [_At the mere thought of it she bursts out laughing again, and goes on speaking through her laughter._] And I tell you--if you ever hear he's engaged to _her_--why, you can believe the rest of the story too!

HECTOR. [_Laughing heartily as he pats_ WALTER _on the shoulder._] Poor old Walter! And, d'you know, I was quite pleased at the thought of his getting married! I was! [_He turns to him._] But it's better, old chap, for us--we'd have missed you--terribly! [_With another pat on_ WALTER'S _shoulder, he goes to the fire, and drops in the letter._] Mustn't leave _that_ lying about! [_He turns._] Well, by Jove, if any one had told me.... And drinking to him, and all!

BETTY. If you'll fetch me that gla.s.s of Hock now, I _will_ drink to him, Hector. To Walter, the Bachelor!

HECTOR. [_Beaming._] So we will! Good. I'll get it.

[_He bustles into the dining-room._

BETTY. [_Moving swiftly to_ WALTER.] Well, now's your time. One thing or the other.

WALTER. [_Savagely._] You fiend!

BETTY. I'll go and see her to-morrow--see her constantly--

WALTER. Why are you doing this?

BETTY. You've ruined my life and his. At least, _you_ shan't be happy.

WALTER. And you imagine I'll come back to _you_--that we'll go on, you and I?

BETTY. [_Scornfully._] No--don't be afraid! You've shown yourself to me to-day. That's all done with--finished. _His_ friend now--with the load off you--but never _her_ husband. Never!

[HECTOR _comes bustling back, with the bottle of Hock, and a wine-gla.s.s that he gives to_ BETTY--_she holds it, and he fills it from the bottle._

HECTOR. Here you are, my girl--and now, where's my whiskey? [_He trots round to the side table, finds his gla.s.s, and_ WALTER'S--_hands one to_ WALTER.] Here, Wallie--yours must be the one that's begun--I didn't have time to touch mine! Here. [WALTER _takes it._] And forgive me, old man, for thinking, even one minute--[_He wrings him by the hand._] Here's to you, old friend. And Betty, to you! Oh, Lord, I just want this drink!

BETTY. [_In cold, clear tones, as she holds up her gla.s.s._] To Walter, the Bachelor!

[_She drains her gla.s.s;_ WALTER _has his moment's hesitation; he drinks, and with tremendous effort succeeds in composing his face._

HECTOR. [_Gaily._] To Walter, the Bachelor! [_He drinks his gla.s.s to the dregs and puts it down._] And now--for a game.

WALTER. I think I--

HECTOR. [_Coaxingly._] Sit down, laddie--just one rubber. It's quite early. Do. There's a good chap. [_They all sit:_ HECTOR _at back,_ BETTY _to the left of him,_ WALTER _to the right--he spreads out the cards--they draw for partners._] As we are--you and Betty--I've got the dummy. [_He shuffles the cards_--BETTY _cuts--he begins to deal._] That's how I like it--one on each side of me. Also I like having dummy. Now, Betty, play up. Oh, Lord, how good it is, how good! A nightmare, I tell you--terrible!

And really you must forgive me for being such an a.s.s. But the way you played up, both of you! My little Betty--a Duse, that's what she is--a real Duse! [_He gathers up his cards._] And the G.o.ds are kind to me--I've got a hand, I tell you! I call NO TRUMPS!

[_He beams at them--they are placidly sorting their cards. He puts his hand down and proceeds to look at his dummy, as the curtain falls._

CURTAIN

A MARRIAGE HAS BEEN ARRANGED....

THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY

MR. HARRISON CROCKSTEAD LADY ALINE DE VAUX

_Produced at the Garrick Theatre on March 27, 1904_

A MARRIAGE HAS BEEN ARRANGED....

SCENE _The conservatory of No. 300 Grosvenor Square. Hour, close on midnight. A ball is in progress, and dreamy waltz music is heard in the distance._