Every-Day Errors of Speech Part 29

The _mischievous_ children got _cayenne_ all over their _chaps_, by which they were sufficiently punished without any further _chastening_.

The _chivalric_ Don Quixote, having become a _monomaniac_ on the subject of _chivalry_, bestrode his _Rosinante_, and, attended by his squire, started out to perform _chivalrous_ deeds.

Lord C. has been absent since _February_, 1870; it is said that he has been traveling _incognito_, but it is certain that in Italy he has retained his _cognomen_. He is now at _Modena_ awaiting the recovery of his _Cicerone_, when he intends to visit _Genoa_ and _Milan_.

The _obesity_ of the _florid_-faced prebendary is observed to increase with his _prebend_.

I have heard much of the _gamins_ of _Gotham_, but I never realized what the _gallows_-deserving rascals were till I settled in New York City. I opened business as a _pharmaceutist_ on a corner that was a favorite _haunt_ of theirs. Such a crowd of _tatterdemalions_ as stood in front of my show-window the first day I made my display of _Parisian_ fancy goods, baffles description. One had the _hooping_ cough, and every now and then would hoop till the _perspiration_ rolled down his face; then he would shriek out the daily _newspapers_, in a voice like a _calliope_. One dirty-faced _gourmand_ ate _papaws_ till he had to _gape_ for breath, and would shoot the seeds and throw the skins at his _hundred_ comrades, half of them coming in my front door. Another, dressed in ragged _jean_, his face covered with _soot_, played the _jew's-harp_ hour after hour, with as much pride in his ability as _Paganini_ at his violin. Another, a tall, _jaundice_ visaged youth with an _embryo_ beard of about a dozen hairs, covered nearly to his heels with his great-grandfather's _surtout_, in the _lapel_ of which was pinned a death's-head, danced upon the iron cellar door till it roared like distant artillery.

Then there were many other "_partners_" bearing such _sobriquets_ as "Sore Snoot," "Pig Eye," "Limpy," etc., _improvising irrational_ songs, boxing, _wrestling_, indulging in _raillery_ and _ribald_ jests, pitching _quoits_, _meawing_ like cats, howling at my _patrons_ and driving reputable _patronage_ away. Every now and then they would send in little, _saucy_, _precocious_ urchins, who offered to _patronize_ me by asking for two cents' worth of _jujube_ paste, _tolu_ or _licorice_, or some _Samaritan_ _salve_ for Jim Biles' sore nose. At last, when the sun had reached the _horizon_, as a _finale_ of the day's _progress_, one of the young villains hurled a bowlder through my French plate-gla.s.s, which, after its flight through a lot of _citrate_ of magnesia, _cochineal_ and _quinine_, finally spilled a large bottle of red ink all over my new _pharmacopia_. Springing over the _debris_, I rushed to the door with _implacable_ anger flas.h.i.+ng from my eyes. But one glance at that _imperturbable_ crowd showed me how _impotent_ I was. One of them with _placid_ countenance and _stolid_ indifference simply accosted me with, "Say, Mister, are you going to see the '_Naiad_ Queen' to-night?"

I left that store in less than a _fortnight_.

The _comptroller_ was appointed by the _government_ upon the supposition that he was _conversant_ with the details of _finance_; but he was only a _mediocre financier_ and was not aware of the _deficit_ in the _finances_, until the conscience-stricken _defalcating_ officer acknowledged his _defalcation_.

The emigrants to the _frontier_ chose a beautiful spot for their settlement; but they found that the wells dug there and on the _contiguous prairies_ had a _saline_ taste; so they were obliged to bring water from the _mountainous_ region beyond, by means of a _conduit_.

From the _congeries_ presented to the professor, he, at his _leisure_, _isolated_ each genus and gave _generic_ names to each; and at the next meeting of the _lyceum_, he solicited attention to his _data_ and the _truths_ he had deduced.

The handsome _contour_ of _Madame_ G's face has been spoiled by an _excrescence_ like a _raspberry_ on her _nasal_ organ.

Young _Philemon_ after reading _Lalla Rookh_, _Lara_, Don _Juan_, The _Giaour_, the productions of Mrs. _Hemans_, and a few others, was seized with the determination to become a poet; but he has only succeeded in becoming a _poetaster_, without any ideas of _prosody_.

More _metrical_ excellence and sense can be found in the _distich_:

"Mary, Mary, quite _contrary_, How does your garden grow?"

than in any of the _products_ of his brain that he has given us. His brothers, _Eben_ and _Philander_, have become stage-struck, and expect to excel in the _Protean_ art. Their _guardian_, himself a great lover of _drama_, having foolish confidence in their success, grants them _plenary_ indulgence in all their whims. They are _habitues_ of the _theatre_, and have fitted up a _suite_ of apartments next to a _suit_ of rooms occupied by some stock actors, with whom they are bound in _indissoluble_ bonds of friends.h.i.+p. There they spend the day in practice, and if you should call at any hour, there is no telling what will present itself to you. Perhaps Macbeth with the _glamour_ of his eyes, viewing the imaginary _gouts_ of blood; or _Banquo_ with his gory locks; or some knight with his _cuira.s.s_ on and his _visor_ down, plunging, without a _qualm_, his carmine-stained _poniard_ into the _jugular_ of some _patriot_. Possibly, Oth.e.l.lo the _Moor_, King John with the _Magna Charta_, or a _legendary_ warrior of frightful _mien_ with his _falchion_ drawn, will admit you. Or you may see a _viscount_ with _falcon_, a _rampant_ villain, a _jocund_ host, or an _irate_, _splenetic_ old man with _spectacles_, p.r.o.nouncing with _senile vehemence_ a curse upon some _fragile_ female in _negligee_ before him, who beseeches the aid of an _immobile statue_ in a _niche_ in the wall. You may get there in the nick of time to save Desdemona by an _expose_ of _Iago_'so villainy, to rescue Pythias whom Damon holds by the _nape_ of the neck on the _threshold_ of eternity, or to restrain the _suicidal_ design of the _Montague_ by informing him that the fair Capulet is only under the influence of a _soporific_--not dead. You may arrive soon enough to arouse the womanhood in the _docile_ Kate, making her less _docible_, and talk woman's rights to _Petruchio_, making him more _lenient_.

And you will find the guardian of these promising youths, sitting there all day shouting _encore_ to their absurdities, and not _rational_ enough to see his _indiscretion_ in permitting their _frivolity_.

The _ennui_, recently complained of, was relieved by an invitation to a party given by the _Mesdames_ B., the same you met at the _conversazione_ of the church _guild_. The ladies received their guests with their usual _suavity_. Their niece, _Rosamond_, recently from _Madrid_, was the attraction of the evening; she wore an elegant _moire_ antique with a profusion of _valenciennes_; she had a beautiful set of jewelry--_opal_ and diamonds. It was marvelous how her _tiny_ hands flew over the _piano-forte_. She sings very sweetly too; her voice is a sort of _mezzo-soprano_. The _nave_ Miss _Ursula_ was present, nearly smothered in black silk and _guipure_. She looks much prettier in _dishabille_. The little _piquant_ Miss _Irene_, with her _plaited_ hair, sang with a voice like a _paroquet_ her favorite, "_Ta.s.sels_ on the Boots." That disgusting young _Leopold_ was there, feeling as important as a _Rothschild_, making his _salams_, and _palavering sotto voce_ to all the girls, circulating his _monogram_ cards and sporting his paste pin with its dazzling _facets_. He thinks he cuts a wide _swath_.

Late in the evening those that were fond of _Terpsich.o.r.ean_ amus.e.m.e.nt were ushered into a room where the _tapestry_ was covered and there spent several hours in _minuets_, waltzes, quadrilles, etc.

The topics of conversation amongst the more sensible during the evening were the object of the visit of the new _prelate_, and the recent speeches of _Disraeli_ and _Thiers_.

Madame B. caused a good deal of merriment by describing an improvement in her _cuisine_ that had been introduced that day. Bridget, a late importation from _Belfast_, who had charge of the _culinary_ department, was told to send for some _vermicelli_ to put in the soup, but she ordered _spermaceti_ instead.

There was an old superst.i.tion that when the _sacristan_ caused the bell in the _cupola_ to toll its _dolorous_ funeral notes, the _manes_ of former friends joined in the solemn _cortege_, and gathering around the grave moved their lips in inaudible _requiem_, and wrote in invisible letters upon the tomb, _omega_.

The great _desideratum_ in the successful argument of _disputable_ points, is the possession of an _equable_ temper.

_Alphonso_, while out hunting _partridges_, fell into a _slough_.

Being clothed only in _nainsook_, he took a severe cold, which soon resulted in _febrile_ symptoms.

Dr. Mastiff's _posthumous monograph_ on "_Rabies_" will soon appear.

The _frontispiece_ represents a group of dogs. Next to the _preface_ is a _memoir_ of the author. It was his own design to have "_Finis_"

placed upon a cut of a tombstone. It almost seems that he had a _presentiment_ of his death.

_Suffice_ it to say that the dentist gave the patient enough letheon to produce unconsciousness, and then applied his _forceps_ to the offending tooth. Letheon, accented on the first syllable, and _lethean_ are derived from _Lethe_, the name of a river described in mythology, a draught from which caused forgetfulness.

_Sulphurous_ acid is _gaseous_, not liquid.

It is reported in the _Pall Mall_ Gazette that _Basil_ S., whom you met several years ago at _Leipsic_, is dead. He lived the life of a _roue_ for some years in Paris and London, and turned out to be a most _perfidious_ villain. In the latter city he committed many _heinous_ offenses and acts of _subtle_ knavery that were almost without _precedent_. He was engaged for a long time in the manufacture of _spurious_ money by a new _process_, in which dies were taken from _gutta-percha_ impressions. He had purchased the services of an experienced professor of _metallurgy_, and the _produce_ of their crime would have been immense, if some of his other crimes had not been betrayed. _Placards_, offering a large reward for his arrest, were posted all over the city. He fled to Venice where he was soon afterward drowned by falling from a _gondola_, thus cheating the _gibbet_ of its dues.

The foolish lover, _Ivan_, rendered desperate because his rival _Darius_ had gained the _precedence_ in _Marion's_ esteem, resolved to commit suicide and rushed _toward_ the _quay_ and plunged into the water. Some fishermen rescued him with their _seine_, poured some _potheen_ down his throat, and carried him home on a piece of _tarpaulin_. His _sousing_ cured him of his folly, but was a poor _guerdon_ for his faithfulness.

The _Saracens_, taking advantage of the _strategic_ point, made a sudden dash into the territory of the _usurper_; while a detachment _houghed_ the horses of the enemy's _cavalry_, the rest proceeded on a _predatory_ raid characterized by _rapine_ and terror, and after the _spoliation_ of the villages, and the burning of the _granaries_, returned to their own possessions.