Kristin Lavransdatter Part 74

"No!"

Erlend stopped, standing there slender and straight-backed and young in the red glow from the dying embers in the fireplace.

"I don't dare sleep alone in this room. I don't dare."

"Do you dare sleep in my arms then?" She caught a glimpse of his smile in the darkness, and she grew faint. "Aren't you afraid that I might crush you to death, Kristin?"

"If only you would." She fell into his arms.

When she woke up, she could see from the windowpane that it was daylight outdoors. Something was weighing down her breast; Erlend was sleeping with his head on her shoulder. He had placed his arm across her body and was gripping her left arm with his hand.

She looked at her husband's iron-gray hair. She looked at her own small, withered b.r.e.a.s.t.s. Above and below them she could see the high, curved arch of her ribs under the thin covering of skin. A kind of terror seized hold of her as one memory after another from the night before rose up. In this room . . . the two of them, at their age . . . Horror and shame overwhelmed her as she saw the patches of red on her worn mother arms, on her shriveled bosom. Abruptly she grabbed the blanket to cover herself.

Erlend awoke, raised himself up on one elbow, and stared down at her face. His eyes were coal-black after his slumber.

"I thought . . ." He threw himself down beside her again; a deep, wild tremor rushed through her at the sound of joy and anguish in his voice. "I thought I was dreaming again."

She opened her lips to his mouth and wrapped her arms around his neck. Never, never had it felt so blessed.

Later that afternoon, when the suns.h.i.+ne was already golden and the shadows lay stretched out across the green courtyard, they set off to get water from the creek. Erlend was carrying the two large buckets. Kristin walked at his side, lithe, straight-backed, and slender. Her wimple had slipped back and lay around her shoulders; her uncovered hair was a gleaming brown in the sun. She could feel it herself as she closed her eyes and lifted her face to the light. Her cheeks had turned red; the features of her face had softened. Each time she glanced over at him she would lower her gaze, overwhelmed, when she saw in Erlend's face how young she was.

Erlend decided that he wanted to bathe. As he walked farther down, Kristin sat on the thick carpet of gra.s.s, leaning her back against a rock. The murmuring and gurgling of the mountain stream lulled her into a doze; now and then, when mosquitoes or flies touched her skin, she would open her eyes briefly and swat them away with her hand. Down among the willow thickets, near the deep pool, she caught sight of Erlend's white body. He was standing with one foot up on a rock, scrubbing himself with tufts of gra.s.s. Then she closed her eyes again and smiled, weary but happy. She was just as powerless against him as ever.

Her husband came back and threw himself down on the gra.s.s in front of her, his hair wet, his red lips cold from the water as he pressed them to her hand. He had shaved and put on a better s.h.i.+rt, although it was not particularly grand either. Laughing, he pointed to his armpit, where the fabric was torn.

"You could have brought me a s.h.i.+rt when you finally decided to come north."

"I'll start sewing a s.h.i.+rt for you as soon as I get home, Erlend," she replied with a smile, caressing his forehead with her hand.

He grabbed hold of it. "Never will you leave here again, my Kristin."

She merely smiled without replying. Erlend pushed himself away so that he could lie down on his stomach. Under the bushes, in a damp, shady spot, grew a cl.u.s.ter of small, white, star-shaped flowers. Their petals had blue veins like a woman's breast, and in the center of each blossom sat a tiny brownish-blue bud. Erlend picked every one of them.

"You who are so clever about such things, Kristin-surely you must know what these flowers are called."

"They're called Friggja gra.s.s. No, Erlend . . ." She blushed and pushed away his hand as he tried to slip the flowers into her bodice.

Erlend laughed and gently bit the white petals, one after the other. Then he put all the flowers into her open hands and closed her fingers around them.

"Do you remember when we walked in the garden at Hofvin Hospice, and you gave me a rose?"

Kristin slowly shook her head as she gave him a little smile. "No. But you took a rose from my hand."

"And you let me take it. Just as you let me take you, Kristin. As gentle and pious as a rose. Later on you sometimes scratched me b.l.o.o.d.y, my sweet." He flung himself into her lap and put his arms around her waist. "Last night, Kristin . . . it did no good. You weren't allowed to sit there demurely and wait."

Kristin bent her head and hid her face against his shoulder.

On the fourth day they had taken refuge up in the birch woods among the foothills across from the farm, for on that day the tenant was bringing in the hay. Without discussing it, Kristin and Erlend had agreed that no one needed to know that she was visiting him. He went down to the buildings a few times to get food and drink, but she stayed among the alpine birches, sitting in the heather. From where they sat, they could see the man and woman toiling to carry home the hay bundles on their backs.

"Do you remember," asked Erlend, "the time you promised me that if I ended up on a smallholder's farm in the mountains, you would come and keep house for me? You wanted to have two cows and some sheep."

Kristin laughed a little and tugged at his hair. "What do you think our boys would think about that, Erlend? If their mother ran away and left them behind in that manner?"

"I think they would be happy to manage Jrundgaard on their own," said Erlend, laughing. "They're old enough now. Gaute is a capable farmer, even as young as he is. And Naakkve is almost a man."

"Oh no . . ." Kristin laughed softly. "It's probably true that he thinks so himself. Well, no doubt all five of them do. But he's still lacking a man's wisdom, that boy."

"If he takes after his father, it's possible that he might acquire it late, or perhaps never at all," replied Erlend. He gave a sly smile. "You think you can hide your children under the hem of your cloak, Kristin. Naakkve fathered a son this summer-you didn't know about that, did you?"

"No!" Kristin sat there, red-faced and horror-stricken.

"Yes, it was stillborn, and the boy is apparently careful not to go over there anymore. It was the widow of Paal's son, here at Haugsbrekken. She said it was his, and I suppose he wasn't without blame, no matter how things stood. Yes, we're getting to be so old, you and I-"

"How can you talk that way after your son has brought upon himself such dishonor and trouble!" It pierced her heart that her husband could speak so nonchalantly and that it seemed to amuse him that she hadn't known anything about it.

"Well, what do you want me to say?" asked Erlend in the same tone of voice. "The boy is eighteen winters old. You can see for yourself that it does little good for you to treat your sons as if they were children. When you move up here with me, we'll have to see about finding him a wife."

"Do you think it will be easy for us to find a suitable match for Naakkve? No, husband, after this I think you must realize that you need to come back home with me and lend a hand with the boys."

Vehemently Erlend propped himself up on his elbow. "I won't do that, Kristin. I'm a stranger here and will always be one in your parish. No one remembers anything about me except that I was condemned as a traitor and betrayer of the king. Didn't you ever think, during the years I've lived here at Jrundgaard, that my presence was an uneasy one? Back home in Skaun I was accustomed to a position of some importance among the people. Even during those days in my youth, when gossip flew about my evil ways and I was banned from the Church, I was still Erlend Niku laussn of Husaby! Then came the time, Kristin, when I had the joy of showing the people of the northern regions that I was not entirely debased from the honor of my ancestors. No, I tell you! Here on this little farm I'm a free man; no one glares at my footprints or talks behind my back. Do you hear me, Kristin, my only love? Stay with me! You will never have cause to regret it. Life here is better than it ever was at Husaby. I don't know why it is, Kristin, but I've never been so happy or lighthearted-not as a child or ever since. It was h.e.l.l while Eline lived with me at Husaby, and you and I were never truly happy together there either. And yet the Almighty G.o.d knows that I have loved you every hour and every day that I've known you. I think that manor was cursed; Mother was tormented to death there, and my father was always an unhappy man. But here life is good, Kristin-if only you would stay with me. Kristin . . . As truly as G.o.d died on the cross for us, I love you as much today as on that evening when you slept under my cape, the night of Saint Margareta's Day. I sat and looked at you, such a pure and fresh and young and untouched flower you were!"

Kristin said quietly, "Do you remember, Erlend, that you prayed on that night that I would never weep a single tear for your sake?"

"Yes, and G.o.d and all the saints in Heaven know that I meant it! It's true that things turned out differently-as surely they must. That's what always happens while we live in this world. But I loved you, both when I treated you badly and when I treated you well. Stay here, Kristin!"

"Haven't you ever thought that it would be difficult for our sons?" she asked in the same quiet voice. "To have people talk about their father, as you admit? All seven of them can't very well run off to the mountains to escape the parish gossip."

Erlend lowered his eyes. "They're young," he said. "Handsome and intrepid boys. They'll figure out how to make their own way. But the two of us, Kristin . . . We don't have many years left before we'll be old. Do you want to squander the time you have remaining when you are beautiful and healthy and meant to rejoice in life? Kristin?"

She looked down to avoid the wild glint in his eyes. After a moment she said, "Have you forgotten, Erlend, that two of our sons are still children? What would you think of me if I left Lavrans and Munan behind?"

"Then you can bring them up here, unless Lavrans would rather stay with his brothers. He's not a little boy anymore. Is Munan still so handsome?" he asked, smiling.

"Yes," said Kristin, "he's a lovely child."

Then they sat in silence for a long time. When they spoke again, it was of other matters.

She woke up in the gray light of dawn the next day, as she had every morning up there. She lay in bed listening to the horses plodding around outside the house. She had her arms wrapped around Erlend's head. The other mornings, when she woke up in the early gray hour, she had been seized by the same anguish and shame as the first time; she had fought to subdue those feelings. The two of them were a married couple who had quarreled and now reconciled; nothing could benefit the children more than that their father and mother became friends once again.

But on this morning she lay there, struggling to remember her sons. For she felt as if she had been bewitched; Erlend had spirited her away and brought her up here, straight from the woods of Gerdarud, where he had taken her into his arms the first time. They were so young; it couldn't be true that she had already borne this man seven sons. She was the mother of tall, grown-up men. But she felt as if she had been lying here in his arms and merely dreamed about those long years they had spent together as husband and wife at Husaby. All his impetuous words resounded and enticed her; dizzy with fear, she felt as if Erlend had swept away her sevenfold burden of responsibility. This is the way it must feel when the young mare is unsaddled up in the mountain pasture. The packs and saddle and bridle are removed, and the wind and air of the mountain plateau stream against her; she is free to graze the fine gra.s.s on the heights, free to run as far as she likes across all the slopes.

But at the same time she was already yearning, with a sweet and willing sense of longing, to bear a new burden. She was yearning with a faint, tender giddiness for the one who would now live nearest her heart for nine long months. She had been certain of it, from the first morning she woke up here in Erlend's arms. Her barrenness had left her, along with the harsh, dry, gasping heat in her heart. She was hiding Erlend's child in her womb, and with a strangely gentle feeling of impatience, her soul was reaching out toward the hour when the infant would be brought into the light.

My big sons no longer need me, she thought. They think I'm unreasonable, that I nag them. We'll just be in their way, the little child and I. No, I can't leave here; we must stay here with Erlend. I can't leave.

But when they sat down together to eat breakfast, she mentioned nevertheless that she would have to return home to her children.

It was Lavrans and Munan she was thinking of. They were old enough now that she was embarra.s.sed to imagine them living up here with Erlend and herself, perhaps looking with astonishment at their parents who had become so youthful. But those two couldn't be without her.

Erlend sat and stared at her as she talked about going home. At last he gave her a fleeting smile. "Well . . . if that's what you want, then you must go."

He wanted to accompany her for part of the journey. He rode all the way through Rost Gorge and up to Sil, until they could see a little of the church roof above the tops of the spruce trees. Then he said goodbye. He smiled to the very end, slyly confident.

"You know now, Kristin, that whether you come at night or by day, whether I have to wait for you a short time or a long time, I will welcome you as if you were the Queen of Heaven come down from the clouds to my farm."

She laughed. "I don't dare speak as grandly as that. But you must now realize, my love, that there will be great joy at your manor on the day the master returns to his own home."

He shook his head and chuckled. Smiling, they took leave of each other; smiling, Erlend leaned over as they sat on their horses, side by side, and kissed her many times, and between each kiss, he looked at her with his laughing eyes.

"So we'll see," he said finally, "which of us is more stubborn, my fair Kristin. This is not the last time we will meet; you and I both know that!" As she rode past the church, she gave a little shudder. She felt as if she were returning home from inside the mountain. As if Erlend were the mountain king himself and could not come past the church and the cross on the hill.

She pulled in the reins; she had a great urge to turn around and ride after him.

Then she looked out across the green slopes, down at her beautiful estate with the meadows and fields and the glistening curve of the river winding through the valley. The mountains rose up in a blue s.h.i.+mmer of heat. The sky was filled with billowing summer clouds. It was madness. There, with his sons, was where he belonged. He was no mountain knight; he was a Christian man, no matter how full he was of wild ideas and foolish whims. Her lawful husband, with whom she had endured both good and bad-beloved, beloved, no matter how sorely he had tormented her with his unpredictable impulses. She would have to be forbearing, since she could not live without him; she would have to strive to bear the anguish and uncertainty as best she could. She didn't think it would be long before he followed her-now that they had been together once again.

CHAPTER 6.

SHE TOLD HER sons that their father had to take care of a few things at Haugen before he moved home. No doubt he would come south early in the fall.

She went about her estate, looking young, her cheeks flushed, her face soft and gentle, moving more quickly about her work, although she didn't manage to accomplish nearly as much as she used to with her usual quiet and measured manner. She no longer chastised her sons sharply, as had been her custom whenever they did something wrong or failed to satisfy her demands properly. Now she spoke to them in a jesting manner or let it pa.s.s without saying a word.

Lavrans now wanted to sleep with his older brothers up in the loft.

"Yes, I suppose you should be counted among the grown-up boys too, my son." She ran her fingers through the boy's thick, golden-brown hair and pulled him close; he was already so tall that he came up to the middle of her breast. "What about you, Munan? Can you stand to have your mother treat you as a child for a while longer?" In the evenings, after the boy had gone to bed in the main room, he liked to have his mother sit on the bed and pamper him a bit. He would lie there with his head in her lap, chattering more childishly than he allowed himself to do during the day when his brothers could hear him. They would talk about when his father was coming home.

Then he would move over next to the wall, and his mother would spread the covers over him. Kristin would light a candle, pick up her sons' clothes that needed mending, and sit down to sew.

She pulled out the brooch pinned to her bodice and put her hand inside to touch her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. They were as round and firm as a young woman's. She pushed up her sleeve all the way to the shoulder and looked at her bare arm in the light. It had grown whiter and fuller. Then she stood up and took a few steps, noticing how softly she walked in her soft slippers. She ran her hands down over her slim hips; they were no longer sharp and dry like a man's. The blood coursed through her body the way sap flows through the trees in the spring. It was youth that was sprouting inside her.

She went to the brewhouse with Frida to pour warm water over the grain for the Christmas malt. Frida had neglected to tend to it in time, and the grain had lain there, swelling until it was completely dry. But Kristin didn't scold the maid; with a slight smile she listened to Frida's excuses. This was the first time that Kristin had failed to take care of it herself.

By Christmas she would have Erlend back home with her. When she sent word to him, he would have to return at once. The man wasn't so rash that he would refuse to relent this time; he had to realize that she couldn't possibly move up to Haugen, far from everyone, when she was no longer walking alone. But she would wait a little more before she sent word-even though it was certain enough-perhaps until she felt some sign of life. The second autumn that they lived at Jrundgaard, she had strayed from the road, as people called a miscarriage. But she had quickly taken solace. She was not afraid that it would happen again this time; it couldn't possibly. And yet . . .

She felt as if she had to wrap her entire body protectively around this tiny, fragile life she carried under her heart, the way a person cups her hands like a s.h.i.+eld around a little, newly lit flame.

One day late in the fall Ivar and Skule came and told her they wanted to ride up to see their father. It was fine weather up in the mountains, and they wanted to ask if they could stay with him and go hunting during these days of bare frost.

Naakkve and Bjrgulf were sitting at the chessboard. They paused to listen.

"I don't know," said Kristin. She hadn't given any thought to who should carry her message. She looked at her two half-grown sons. She realized it was foolish, but she couldn't manage to speak of it to them. She could tell them to take Lavrans along and then ask him to talk to his father alone. He was so young that he wouldn't think it strange. And yet . . .

"Your father will soon be coming home," she said. "You might end up delaying him. And soon I'll be sending word to him myself."

The twins sulked. Naakkve looked up from the chess game and said curtly, "Do as our mother says, boys."

During Christmas she sent Naakkve north to Erlend. "You must tell him, son, that I am longing for him so greatly, as all of you must be too!" She didn't mention the other news that had come about; she thought it likely that this grown lad would have noticed it. He would have to decide for himself whether he would speak of it to his father.

Naakkve returned without having seen his father. Erlend had gone to Raumsdal. He must have received word that his daughter and her husband were about to move to Bjrgvin, and that Margret wanted to meet with her father at Vey.

That was reasonable enough. Kristin lay awake at night, now and then stroking Munan's face as he slept at her side. She was sad that Erlend didn't come for Christmas. But it was reasonable that he should want to see his daughter while he had the chance. She wiped away her tears as they slid down her cheeks. She was so quick to weep, just as she had been when she was young.

Just after Christmas, Sira Eirik died. Kristin had visited him at Romundgaard several times during the fall after he had taken to his bed, and she attended his funeral. Otherwise she never went out among people. She thought it a great loss that their old parish priest was gone.

At the funeral she heard that someone had met Erlend north at Lesja. He was on his way home to his farm. Surely he would come soon.

Several days later she sat on the bench under the little window, breathing on her hand mirror, which she had taken out, and rubbing it s.h.i.+ny so she could study her face.