Kristin Lavransdatter Part 65

"But in the end they found out about it just the same," replied Simon obstinately. "I thought, after everything that happened on that day at my estate, we needed to clear up the matter. And I don't understand why it should take your father so unawares. You're still not much older than a child, my Gaute, and you were so young when you were mixed up in this . . . secret plot."

"Surely I should be able to trust my own son," replied Erlend angrily. "And I had no other choice when I needed to save the letter. I either had to give it to Gaute or let the sheriff find it."

Simon thought it pointless to discuss the matter any further. But he couldn't resist saying, "I wasn't happy when I heard what the boy has been thinking of me these past four years. I've always been fond of you, Gaute."

The boy urged his horse forward a few paces and stretched out his hand; Simon saw that his face had darkened, as if he were blus.h.i.+ng.

"You must forgive me, Simon!"

Simon clasped the boy's hand. At times Gaute looked so much like his grandfather that Simon felt strangely moved. He was rather bowlegged and slight in build, but he was an excellent rider, and on the back of a horse he was as handsome a youth as any father could want.

All four of them began riding north; the boys were in front, and when they were beyond earshot, Simon continued.

"You must understand, Erlend . . . I don't think you can rightfully blame me for seeking out my brother and asking him to tell me the truth about this matter. But I know that you had reason to be angry with me, both you and Kristin. Because as soon as this strange news came out . . ." He fumbled for words. "What Gaute said about my seal . . . I can't deny that I thought . . . I know both of you believed that I thought . . . what I should have had sense enough to realize was unthinkable. So I can't deny that you have reason to be angry," he repeated.

The horses splashed through the slushy snow. It took a moment before Erlend replied, and then his voice sounded gentle and subdued. "I don't know what else you could have thought. It was almost inevitable that you should believe-"

"Oh, no. I should have known it wasn't possible," Simon interrupted, sounding aggrieved. After a moment he asked, "Did you think that I knew about my brothers? That I tried to help you for their sake?"

"No!" said Erlend in surprise. "I realized you couldn't possibly know. I knew that I I hadn't said anything. And I thought I could safely rely on your brothers not to talk." He laughed softly. Then he grew somber and said gently, "I knew you did it for the sake of our father-in-law and because you're a good man." hadn't said anything. And I thought I could safely rely on your brothers not to talk." He laughed softly. Then he grew somber and said gently, "I knew you did it for the sake of our father-in-law and because you're a good man."

Simon rode on in silence for a while.

"I imagine you must have been bitterly angry," he then said.

"Well . . . when I had time to think about it . . . I didn't see that there was any other way you could interpret things."

"What about Kristin?" asked Simon, his voice even lower.

"Kristin!" Erlend laughed again. "You know she won't stand for anyone censuring me-except for herself. She seems to think she can handle that well enough all alone. It's the same with our children. G.o.d save me if I should chastise them with a single word! But you can rest a.s.sured that I've brought her around."

"You have?"

"Yes, well . . . with time I'll manage to convince her. You know that once Kristin gives it some thought, she's the sort of person who will remember you've shown us such loyal friends.h.i.+p that . . ."

Simon, agitated and distraught, felt his heart trembling. He found it unbearable. The other man seemed to think that they could now dismiss this matter from their minds. In the pale moonlight Erlend's face looked so genuinely peaceful. Simon's voice quavered with emotion as he spoke again. "Forgive me, Erlend, but I don't see how I could have believed-"

"I told you I understand it." The other broke in rather impatiently. "It seems to me that you couldn't have thought anything else."

"If only those two foolish children had never spoken," said Simon heatedly.

"Yes. Gaute has never received such a beating before in his life. And the whole thing started because they were quarreling about their ancestors: Reidar Birkebein and King Skule and Bishop Niko las." Erlend shook his head. "But let's not think about this anymore, kinsman. It's best if we forget about it as soon as we can."

"I can't do that!"

"But, Simon!" This was spoken in reproach, with mild astonishment. "It's not worth it to take this so seriously."

"I can't-don't you understand? I'm not as good a man as you are."

Erlend gave him a bewildered look. "I don't know what you mean."

"I'm not as good a man as you are. I can't so easily forgive those I have wronged."

"I don't know what you mean," repeated Erlend in the same tone of voice.

"I mean . . ." Simon's face was contorted with pain and desperation. His voice was low, as if he were stifling an urge to scream out the words. "I mean that I've heard you speaking kindly of Judge Sigurd of Steigen, the old man whose wife you stole. I've seen how you loved Lavrans with all the love of a son. And I've never noticed that you bore any grudge toward me because you . . . enticed my betrothed away from me. I'm not as n.o.ble-minded as you think, Erlend. I'm not as n.o.ble-minded as you are. I . . . I do bear a grudge toward the man whom I have wronged."

His cheeks flecked with white from the strain, Simon stared into the eyes of his companion. Erlend had listened to him with his mouth agape.

"I've never realized this until now! Do you hate hate me, Simon?" he whispered, overwhelmed. me, Simon?" he whispered, overwhelmed.

"Don't you think I have reason to do so?"

Unawares, both men had reined in their horses. They sat and stared at each other. Simon's small eyes glittered like steel. In the hazy white light of the night, he saw that Erlend's lean features were twitching as if something had broken inside him: an awakening. He looked up from beneath half-closed lids, biting his quivering lower lip.

"I can't bear to see you anymore," said Simon.

"But that was twenty years ago, man!" exclaimed Erlend, overcome and confused.

"Yes. But don't you think she's . . . worth thinking about for twenty years?"

Erlend pulled himself erect in the saddle. He met Simon's eyes with a steady, open gaze. The moonlight lit a blue-green spark in his big, pale blue eyes.

"Yes, yes, I do. May G.o.d bless her!"

For a moment he sat motionless. Then he spurred his horse and galloped off through the puddles so the water sprayed up behind him. Simon held Digerbein back; he was almost thrown to the ground because he reined in the horse so sharply. He waited there at the edge of the woods, struggling with the restless animal, for as long as he could hear hoofbeats in the slush.

Remorse had overwhelmed him as soon as he said it. He felt regret and shame, as if in senseless anger he had struck the most defenseless of creatures-a child or a delicate, gentle, and witless beast. His hatred felt like a shattered lance; he was shattered himself from the confrontation with the man's foolish innocence. That bird of misfortune, Erlend Nikulaussn, understood so little that he seemed both helpless and without guile.

Simon swore and cursed to himself as he rode. Without guile . . . The man was well past forty; it was about time that he could handle a conversation man to man. If Simon had wounded himself, then by the Devil it should be considered worth the price if for once he had managed to strike Erlend a blow.

Now he was riding home to her. May G.o.d bless her, Simon thought ruefully. And so it was over: the plodding around in that sibling love. The two of them over there, and he and his family. He would never have to meet Kristin Lavransdatter again.

The thought took his breath away. Just as well, by the Devil. If your eye offends you, then pluck it out, said the priests. He told himself that the main reason he had done this was to escape the sister-brother love with Kristin. He couldn't bear it anymore.

He had only one wish now: that Ramborg would not be awake when he came home.

But when he rode in among the fences, he saw someone wearing a dark cloak standing beneath the aspen trees. The white of her wimple gleamed.

She said that she had been waiting for him ever since Sigurd returned home. The maids had gone to bed, so Ramborg herself ladled up the porridge that stood on the edge of the hearth, keeping warm. She placed bacon and bread on the table and brought in newly tapped ale.

"Shouldn't you go to bed now, Ramborg?" asked her husband as he ate.

Ramborg did not reply. She went over to her loom and began threading the colorful little b.a.l.l.s of wool in and out of the warp. She had set up the loom for a tapestry before Christmas, but she hadn't made much progress yet.

"Erlend rode past, heading north, some time ago," she said, with her back turned. "From what Sigurd said, I thought you would be riding together."

"No, it didn't turn out that way."

"Erlend had a greater longing for his bed than you did?" She laughed a little. When she received no answer, she said again, "I suppose he always longs to be home with Kristin when he has been away."

Simon was silent for a good while before he replied, "Erlend and I did not part as friends."

Ramborg turned around abruptly. Then he told her what he had learned at Dyfrin and about the first part of the conversation with Erlend and his sons.

"It seems to me rather unreasonable that you should quarrel over such a matter when you've been able to remain friends until now."

"Perhaps, but that's how things went. And it will take too long to discuss the whole matter tonight."

Ramborg turned back to her loom and busied herself with her work.

"Simon," she said suddenly, "do you remember a story that Sira Eirik once told us . . . from the Bible? About a maiden named Abis.h.a.g the Shunammite?"3 "No."

"Back when King David was old and his vigor and manhood were beginning to fade-" Ramborg began, but Simon interrupted her.

"My Ramborg, it's much too late at night; this is no time to start telling sagas. And now I do remember the story about the woman you mentioned."

Ramborg pushed up the reed of the loom and fell silent for a while. Then she spoke again. "Do you remember the saga my father knew-about the handsome Tristan and fair Isolde and dark Isolde?"

"Yes, I remember." Simon pushed his plate aside, wiped the back of his hand across his mouth, and got up. He went over to stand in front of the fireplace. With one foot resting on the edge, his elbow on his knee, and his chin in his hand, he stared into the fire, which was about to die out inside the stone-lined hollow. From the loom over in the corner came Ramborg's voice, fragile-sounding and close to tears.

"When I listened to those stories, I always thought that men like King David and Sir Tristan . . . It seemed to me so foolish, and cruel, that they didn't love the young brides who offered them their maidenhood and the love of their hearts with gentleness and seemly graciousness but preferred instead such women as Fru Bathsheba or fair Isolde, who had squandered themselves in other men's arms. I thought that if I had been a man, I wouldn't have been so lacking in pride . . . or so heartless." Overcome, she fell silent. "It seems to me the most terrible fate: what happened to Abis.h.a.g and poor Isolde of Bretland." Abruptly she turned around, walked quickly across the room, and stood before her husband.

"What is it, Ramborg?" Simon reluctantly asked in a low voice. "I don't know what you mean by all this."

"Yes, you do," she replied fiercely. "You're a man just like that Tristan."

"I find it hard to believe"-he tried to laugh-"that I should be compared with the handsome Tristan. And the two women you mentioned . . . If I remember right, they lived and died as pure maidens, untouched by their husbands." He looked at his wife. The little triangle of her face was pale, and she was biting her lip.

Simon set his foot down, straightened up, and put both hands on her shoulders.

"My Ramborg, you and I have two children," he said softly.

She didn't reply.

"I've done my best to show you my grat.i.tude for that gift. I thought . . . I've tried to be a good husband to you."

When she didn't speak, he let her go, went over to a bench, and sat down. Ramborg followed and stood before him, looking down at her husband: his broad thighs in the wet, muddy hose, his stout body, his heavy reddish-brown face. Her lip curled with displeasure.

"You've grown so ugly over the years, Simon."

"Well, I've never thought myself to be a handsome man," he said calmly.

"But I'm young and pretty. . . ." She sat down on his lap, the tears pouring from her eyes as she held his head in her hands. "Simon, look at me. Why can't you reward me for this? Never have I wanted to belong to anyone but you. It's what I dreamed of ever since I was a little maiden: that my husband would be a man like you. Do you remember how we were once allowed to follow along with you, both Ulvhild and I? You were going with Father to the west pasture, to look at his foals. You carried Ulvhild over the creek, and Father was going to lift me up, but I cried that I wanted you to carry me too. Do you remember?"

Simon nodded. He remembered paying a great deal of attention to Ulvhild because he thought it so sad that the lovely child was crippled. Of the youngest daughter he had no memory, except that he knew there was a girl younger than Ulvhild.

"You had the most beautiful hair. . . ." Ramborg ran her fingers through the lock of wavy light-brown hair that fell over her husband's forehead. "And there's still not a single streak of gray. Erlend's hair will soon be as much white as black. And I always loved to see the deep dimples in your cheeks when you smiled . . . and the fact that you had such a merry voice."

"Yes, no doubt I looked a little better back then than I do now."

"No," she whispered fiercely. "When you look at me tenderly . . . Do you remember the first time I slept in your arms? I was in bed, whimpering over a toothache. Father and Mother were asleep, and it was dark in the loft, but you came over to the bench where we lay, Ulvhild and I, and asked me why I was crying. You told me to hush and not wake the others; then you lifted me in your arms. You lit a candle and cut a splinter of wood and then poked at my gums around the aching tooth until you drew blood. Then you said a prayer over the splinter, and the tooth didn't hurt anymore. And I was allowed to sleep in your bed, and you held me in your arms."

Simon placed his hand on her head, pressing it to his shoulder. Now that she spoke of it, he remembered. It was when he had come to Jrundgaard to tell Lavrans that the bond between him and Kristin had to be broken. He had slept very little that night. And now he recalled that he had gotten up to tend to little Ramborg, who lay fretting over a toothache.

"Have I ever behaved toward you in such a way, my Ramborg, that you thought it right to say that I didn't love you?"

"Simon . . . don't you think I might deserve that you loved me more than Kristin? She was wicked and dishonest toward you, while I have stayed with you like a little lapdog all these years."

Gently Simon lifted her off his lap, stood up, and took her hands in his.

"Speak no more of your sister, Ramborg-not in that manner. I wonder whether you even realize what you're saying. Don't you think that I fear G.o.d? Can you believe that I would be so unafraid of shame and the worst of sins, or that I wouldn't think of my children and all my kinsmen and friends? I'm your husband, Ramborg. Don't forget that, and don't talk of such things to me."

"I know you haven't broken any of G.o.d's commandments or breached any laws or code of honor."

"Never have I spoken a word to your sister or touched her with my hand in any way that I cannot defend on the Day of Judgment. This I swear before G.o.d and the apostle Saint Simon."

Ramborg nodded silently.

"Do you think your sister would have treated me as she has all these years if she thought, as you do, that I love her with sinful desire? Then you don't know Kristin."

"Oh, she has never thought about whether any man might desire her, except for Erlend. She hardly notices that the rest of us are flesh and blood."

"Yes, what you say is probably true, Ramborg," replied Simon calmly. "But then you must realize how senseless it is for you to torment me with your jealousy."

Ramborg pulled her hands away.

"I didn't mean to do so, Simon. But you've never loved me the way you love her. She is still always in your thoughts, but you seldom think of me unless you see me."

"I'm not to blame, Ramborg, if a man's heart is created in such a fas.h.i.+on that whatever is inscribed on it when it's young and fresh is carved deeper than all the runes that are later etched."

"Haven't you ever heard the saying that a man's heart is the first thing to come alive in his mother's womb and the last thing to die inside him?" replied Ramborg quietly.

"No . . . Is there such a saying? That might well be true." Lightly he caressed her cheek. "But if we're going to get any sleep tonight, we should go to bed now," he said wearily.

Ramborg fell asleep after a while. Simon slipped his arm out from under her neck, moved over to the very edge of the bed, and pulled the fur covers all the way up to his chin. His s.h.i.+rt was soaked through at the shoulder from her tears. He felt a bitter sympathy for his wife, but at the same time he realized with renewed bewilderment that he could no longer treat her as if she were a blind and inexperienced child. Now he had to acknowledge that Ramborg was a full-grown woman.

Gray light appeared in the windowpane; the May night was fading. He was dead tired, and tomorrow was the Sabbath. He wouldn't go to church in the morning, even though he might need to. He had once promised Lavrans that he would never miss a ma.s.s without an exceedingly good reason. But it hadn't helped him much to keep that promise during all these years, he thought bitterly. Tomorrow he was not going to ride to ma.s.s.