Punch and Judy, with Instructions How to Manage the Little Actors Part 3

B. M.--Help--help, help me out, I am blind!

PUNCH.--Stick to it old fellow--keep the thing going and I will go for a.s.sistance. (_He starts off, singing._)

"Down in the coalmines underneath the ground, Where a gleam of sun-s.h.i.+ne never can be found, Digging dusty diamonds all the season round: Down in the coalmines underneath the ground."

(_Exit_ PUNCH. _End of Act II._)

Act III.

(_Enter_ ALDERMAN MALLEN _and_ CAPT. FRANK.)

FRANK.--He is said to be a mighty smart man, but I think we can take him.

ALD. M.--Well, if we can't no one else need try.

(_Enter_ PUNCH, _singing._)

For I am one of the olden time, And may be thought too gay, Like Jersey Sam the Farmer's man, Hurrah! hurrah! hurra.

FRANK.--Leave off your singing, Mr. PUNCH, for we have come to make you sing on the other side of your mouth.

PUNCH.--Well sir, who are you?

FRANK.--Don't you know me?

PUNCH.--Never saw you before.

FRANK.--That is all gammon: I know you well enough; I had a pretty hard fight with you once.

PUNCH.--I always like a man better after I have fought with him. Who sent you here?

ALD. M.--You are wanted at the Mayor's office. Col. Wood says you once killed a Policeman in Chicago.

PUNCH.--No body cares for that. I won't go.

FRANK.--Besides, you killed the DOCTOR'S servant, black JOE.

PUNCH.--He killed me.

ALD. M.--How can that be?

PUNCH.--I was dancing by myself and the fellow came up behind me and knocked me down--if you don't believe it, I can show you how it was done.

ALD. M.--Well, for one, I should like to see about how it was done.

(PUNCH _hits him a heavy blow on the side of his head and suddenly makes his exit._)

(_The_ ALDERMAN _and the_ CONSTABLE _conceal themselves behind the curtains and remain on the watch for their enemy._)

ALD. M.--I say FRANK, he is a tricky old fellow.

FRANK.--Yes, one wants to be on his guard. He is as quick as lightning, but we must take him--cost what it may, and we have got to do it before he reaches the engine house, on the corner of 10th and Filbert street, the firemen are all friendly to him--so are the children of the city.

ALD. M.--I'll take him if I have to summon the whole of the Fourth Ward.

(PUNCH _is heard from below; the parties quickly conceal themselves behind the curtain and await his approach. Enter_ PUNCH _singing._)

Charley Buff has money enough, Charley Buff lives over the sh.o.r.e, And when he dies he'll close his eyes and never see money more.

(_At this part of the play the_ ALDERMAN _and the_ POLICEMAN _spring up behind him and after a hard struggle they pin him in a corner, and finally carry him off, while he l.u.s.tily calls out,_ "Help! murder!" etc.

_End of Scene I._)

_SCENE II.--The curtain rises at the back of the stage, and discovers_ PUNCH _in Prison._

(JACK KETCH _enters with a gallows on his shoulders. He fixes it on the platform of the stage, and exits._)

PUNCH.--There goes a hang-dog looking fellow whom they doubtless keep to feed hogs--the fellow's face resembles a side of sole leather, with a slit in it which he calls a mouth.

(_Enter the_ CONSTABLE. _He examines the Gibbet and exits._)

PUNCH.--There goes the man that stole the butcher's dog.

(_Enter two men with a coffin--they set it down on the platform and exit._)

PUNCH.--h.e.l.lo, there goes two scoundrels--body s.n.a.t.c.hers. What grave have they been robbing?

(_Re-enter_ JACK KETCH.) JACK KETCH.--Now, Mr. PUNCH, you may come out.

(PUNCH _walks out._) PUNCH.--JACK, what have you got on your face?

J. K.--I wear a mask because I am the public executioner. It was my ancestor who cut off the head of Ann Bowlin, Catherine Howard, Lady Jane Gray and Mary, Queen of Scots, and now I am going to execute you--for killing the DR.'S servant.

PUNCH.--No you don't, if you do I'll be hanged.

J. K.--Why did you kill old JOE?

PUNCH.--In self defence.

J. K.--PUNCH that won't do--you are too tough to live.

PUNCH.--JACK, the old devil will never get all that is due him, until he gets you in his bony arms.

J. K.--That's all bosh: your time is nearly up. I want you to put your head into this halter and I'll give you the best swing you ever had.

PUNCH.--JACK, if my head was in that rope, I would not take it out, but, as it is out, I'll never put it in.