The Secrets of a Kuttite Part 29

(_Loud protests and uproar._)

SIR SAMUEL LONGBOW: No, I'm against that. Fancy dividing two tins of sardines amongst fourteen.

SIR CLIFTUS SMALLKAKE: Well, I'll tell you this much, I shan't give mine up. One cake wouldn't feed two knights.

SIR SULPHUROUS BLEARS: Blank your blankety blank.

I'm for pooling the blankety blanks, blank it.

SIR EDWARD LE FUMEUR: I've a chicken, that means a bone each.

SIR POMPOUS OLDa.s.s TO SIR S. BLEARS: How many parcels have you received?

SIR SULPH. BLEARS: None, you blank-headed blankety blank.

SIR LESLIE BEC DE CANARD: Very good idea. I've got flea powders and thirst quenchers. Pool 'em, with pleasure.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "KING ARTHUR'S KNIGHTS OF THE OBLONG TABLE"

IN OUR MESS. THE HILLS OF KASTAMUNI IN THE DISTANCE!]

[Ill.u.s.tration: MERMAID READING "SMOKE"]

SIR RUFUS APPLETREE: I've had no parcels. Even if I had I would have pooled them. (_Laughter and exclamations._)

SIR s.h.i.+NYTOP STEWARTUS (_who sits next to King A. and knows that in any case Royalty appropriates_): Hear, hear, let's pool them.

SIR CAROL COEUR DE LION: I'm not afraid of speaking my mind. I'm against it, as I don't approve of socialism or cheap parcels.

SIR SAUNDONTIUS THE GOOD (_fourteen-parcel wallah, and feeling under the circ.u.mstances that he had better go no further than timidly venturing to agree with the last speaker_): I hardly think so, Sir King, Old Thing. One tin of jam would last me for a week, but the mess scarcely one minute. (_Storm grows wilder, the only voices for the affirmative being those who up to date have received no parcels._)

KING ARTHUR (_much annoyed, and seeing a way of retreat, in a whisper to Sir s.h.i.+nytop_): Pa.s.s the word it's only a ramp against Saundontius. (_The murmur grows to one of general accord and cry of "Pool 'em."_)

SIR SAUNDONTIUS (_an excellent thought-reader, aside to Sir Sulph. Blears_): Pa.s.s the word the ramp is only an excuse of King A. to get his point. Ramp or no ramp, the vote will count.

KING ARTHUR (_not a good thought-reader, and believing all well_): Gentlemen, the vote! Who's for pooling them?

(_Votes for, six, including Sir Saundontius (who has counted); votes against, eight._)

(7) PARCEL DAY (_Accele-rato, con moto, mysterioso_)

There's a murmur in the air--in the air-- There are ninety parcels there Full of jams, anchovies rare For the prisoners de guerre-- Bless their souls.

Hark! I hear him read the list--read the list-- Six for you--I do insist-- One for me is rather triste-- Though size counts too I wist-- Bless our souls.

At the room we breathless wait--breathless wait-- You must not risk being late, It might change your parcel's fate, So on our boldness do not prate.

Bless our souls.

All is o'er, they have them fast--have them fast-- There's some jam that will not last, Some tongue for a repast-- Quenchers, s.h.i.+rts, and tea! avast!

Bless _their_ souls.

(8) LETTERS COME (_Adagio_)

Letters come. Letters go.

Winter's gone. Gone the snow.

Gone the footer and toboggan, Gone our erstwhile trick of hoggin, And the price prevents our groggin, Life is so.

Rumours come. Rumours go.

What's the truth?--we don't know.

In Kastamuni our hearts are breaking And we fear the rude awaking When from her tracks we'll be making, Love is so.

(9) "Die Nacht"--an inversion of "Der Tag," a one-act play of 1914.

DIE NACHT (_A New Version of "Der Tag," all about Billy Primus, June, 1917._)

SCENE I (AND ONLY).

(_Large room used as smoker-library with tall windows overlooking the waters of Wandsee. The Kaiser in the uniform of the Death's Head Hussars, seated behind a table-desk. A shaded lamp throws the sharp silhouette of his features upon the wall, leaving him mostly in shadow and the rest of the room in the light. He presses a bell. Enters_ ZIMMERMAN, _Foreign Minister_.)

KAISER (_motioning Z. to be seated_): Before Talaat arrives let me know briefly how the matter stands.

ZIM.: Turkey desires peace at once, but gives the last possible date as three months. An immediate loan of 10,000,000 liras on mutual security is demanded.

KAISER: Is Enver in with this, or is it a feeler only?

Z.: I a.s.sure your Majesty, it requires urgent attention.

The whole of Turkey is behind it, led by the few vested and private interests that remain. You remember my saying that as soon as the private interests are hit the Turks will murmur.

KAISER: What hold have they on the public?

Z.: According to Talaat, and privately confirmed, the wealthy cla.s.ses are heading the general dissatisfaction at the famine prices and daily loss of territory. It is an ultimatum.

KAISER: What course do you propose for extending the three months?

Z.: I suggest the situation would concern the War Minister.

KAISER (_ringing_, HINDENBURG _appears_): The day, my general, is nearer than we thought. Turkey pulls out in three months. How will the map lie then?

H.: With Russia merely held, or, if necessary, by retiring to our system of railways and carrying on with smaller forces on our Eastern Front, we can intensify our shortened line in the West and hold it against all odds until the autumn. This is providing Holland remains neutral and the Turkish campaign is pushed.

KAISER: What is your opinion of the news from Turkey?

H.: Palestine and Syria will go during the summer.

Possibly Russia will get astride the Baghdad Railway from their Eastern push.

KAISER: Our connection to Constantinople?