The Secrets of a Kuttite Part 28

"Who'll grow on his grave?"

"I," said the Lily, She spoke quite shrilly-- "I'll grow on his grave."

"Who'll write his epitaph?"

"I," said the Armenian, With the help of the Athenian-- "I'll write his epitaph."

"Who's heir-apparent?"

"I," said Uncle Sam, "I guess that I am The heir-apparent."

"Who'll toll the knell?"

"I," said the Kangaroo, "With the help of the Emu, I'll toll the knell."

And the Things of the Earth danced in ecstasy-- When they heard of the death of the c.o.c.k Turkey-- When they heard of the death of the c.o.c.k Turkey.

PACIFIC BILLOW.

April, 1917.

(5) Breach of Promise Case.

KING'S BENCH DIVISION Mr. Justice Owes-Leigh.

Sonia _alias_ the Fair Girl _v._ Bimbas.h.i.+ Stew-Hot.

Damages for Breach of Promise.

Counsel for plaintiff, Mr. Wm. Sykes, K.C., of Dukes.

The defendant defended himself, and was a.s.sisted, where necessary, by the learned judge.

Mr. Sykes, on traversing the Statement of Claim, alleged that the plaintiff had been wrongfully deceived by certain overtures and advances on the part of the defendant in that he had, on many occasions, smiled at her, gesticulated towards her, called her "choke guzelle," winked, and even kissed his fingers at her when the postas were not looking. Moreover, written evidence of a formal declaration of affection and willingness to marry was in possession of the plaintiff. For these reasons, submitted Mr. Sykes, an offer of the contract of matrimony had been made by the defendant and accepted by the plaintiff. The defendant was unwilling to fulfil--or at least hung fire--plaintiff estimated her damages at piastres 500.

The defendant, who was evidently a humorist, was understood to demur.

Mr. Sykes then called his chief witness, the plaintiff, the Fair Girl herself. Her appearance caused a great sensation in the court. There came a dream in daisy-patterned chintz, the pattering of small red-stockinged feet, and a dainty whiff of garlic streamed over the court as the fragile and closely-hooded damsel clambered into the witness-box. Then, and not till then, she threw back her veil, and the whole court beheld, or rather heard, a tone poem of superlative beauty--a song without words. Her striking looks affected the public queerly, who fell to digging one another in the ribs, and the learned judge had twice to threaten to clear the court.

She answered her counsel's questions firmly and sweetly.

The defendant then put her through the following cross-examination, by the help of an interpreter.

"Sonia, do you love me?" (Violent nods.)

"How can you love me when I haven't talked to you?"

"You tried to kiss me."

"Who stopped me?"

"The postas."

"Do you want to marry everybody who kisses you?"

"Certainly not. Some kiss for fun, and some for love."

"How could I marry you when I am already married?"

The learned judge here intervened to the effect that in Turkey a man might have several wives.

A question was now put by defendant to the witness with reference to other affections, but was disallowed. Plaintiff was now required to produce the written evidence, but counsel for plaintiff, springing to his feet, opposed this proceeding as violating the religious law of the plaintiff's sect. He was overruled by the learned judge, and the witness produced from her stocking a piece of crumpled paper. All eyes were turned on the defendant, and it seemed now improbable that he could win his case. However, after some delay, and much to the embarra.s.sment of plaintiff's counsel, and to the amus.e.m.e.nt of the rest of the court, the paper was found to be an old laundry list of the defendant, which he may or may not have dropped accidentally.

At this point a startling revelation was made in Mr. Sykes'

re-examination of plaintiff to the effect that witness had been twice actually kissed by the defendant, and a collar stud of his, retained in plaintiff's possession, was produced in court.

The defendant, who had hitherto conducted an able defence, was considerably put out by the last fact, and applied to the learned judge for special permission further to question the plaintiff. This being given, the Bimbas.h.i.+ severely taxed the witness as to her means of support, and several times the learned judge had to intervene on plaintiff's behalf. The questions were satisfactorily answered, and the witness left the box.

Mr. Sykes summed up in a manner so scathing that the Bimbas.h.i.+ was heard to interrupt the court by saying that he wished both Mr. Sykes and he himself had never been born.

Counsel was well into his final peroration, when he chanced to refer to the plaintiff's "rosy innocence," which, on being interpreted to the Fair Girl, caused her to burst out laughing.

On being admonished by the learned judge, she inquired of Mr. Justice Owes-Leigh whether the picture of her counsel, Mr. Sykes, talking of innocence, was not too funny even for a Turk. This caused a counter-sentiment in favour of the Bimbas.h.i.+, and closed the case for the plaintiff.

The defendant, a man of mischievous disposition, and inclined to be humorous, opened his defence by reciting Wordsworth's "We are Seven," and had got well into Mrs.

Hemans' "The Graves of a Household," when the learned judge asked what this had to do with the case.

"Nothing, my lord. I am merely making an impression."

Upon which the learned judge dropped on him like a chimney, and Mr. Sykes suggested the defendant had tried to make an impression on the Fair Girl.

Unabashed, the defendant proceeded with his case, which was--

(1) That he had said or done nothing to encourage the plaintiff.

(2) If he had done so he had not meant it.

(3) If he had meant to do so he had had no idea----

"You are wasting the time of this court," thundered the learned judge, and demanded the line of defence.

"I have no defence, my lord."

"Then why on earth are you fighting the case?"

"I'm not fighting anybody. I am willing to marry her on certain conditions."

The elucidation of these conditions necessitated the clearance of the court, and for some time the case was heard _in camera_. However, it is generally known that the learned judge himself re-examined both parties, as a result of which the Fair Girl admitted to being secretly in love with a gendarme, and flatly declined to marry the defendant. The case was dismissed without costs on either side. Counsel for plaintiff explained that the officers of Kastamuni had subscribed the amount of plaintiff's court costs. A question by the Bimbas.h.i.+ as to whether plaintiff's counsel had received his professional costs from the Fair Girl was disallowed by the learned judge.

Counsel for plaintiff, who became greatly heated, was distinctly heard by some to say something about "a jealous counsel,"

but the remark evidently did not reach the ears of Mr. Justice Owes-Leigh.

The court rose, and the Fair Girl, whose nerve possibly failed at the last moment, went out on her counsel's arm.

(6) Knights of the Oblong Table.

THE OBLONG TABLE KNIGHTS AT MESS (Subject: Pooling of Parcels)

KING ARTHUR (_a three-parcel wallah with designs on Sir Saundontius the Good, a fourteen-parcel wallah_): Gentlemen, I propose that in future all parcels are pooled in the mess.