Ten Thousand a-Year Volume Iii Part 6

"The less we say about _that_ the better," replied Mr. Berrington; "I have not had my eyes shut, I can tell you! It's a hard case, Mr. Crafty; but after all your pains, and the dreadful expense incurred, it's nevertheless quite farcical to think of going on with a committee like this"----

"Of course the pet.i.tion is abandoned," replied Crafty.

The next morning they again appeared before the committee.

"I have to inform the committee," commenced Mr. Berrington, with sufficient sternness, "that my learned friends and I, who had, in our ignorance and inexperience, imagined, till yesterday, that the evidence we then opened was ten times more than sufficient to establish agency before any _legal_ tribunal"----

"Counsel will be pleased to moderate their excitement, and to treat the committee with due respect," interrupted the chairman, warmly, and reddening as he spoke; while the ministerial members looked very fiercely at Mr. Berrington, and one or two placed their arms a-kimbo.

--"Have come to the determination to withdraw the pet.i.tioner's case from before the committee; as, under existing circ.u.mstances, it would be utterly absurd to attempt"----

"Fait, sir, an' you're mighty indacent--ye are--an' you'd better keep a civil tongue in your head," said Mr. O'Doodle, fiercely, and with an insolent look at Mr. Berrington.

"Sir," said the latter, addressing Mr. O'Doodle with a bitter smile--"as it is possible to stand where I do without ceasing to be a gentleman, so it is possible to sit _there_--without becoming one."

"Sir--Misther Chairman--I'll only just ask you, sir--isn't _that_ a brache of privelige"----

"Oh, be aisy--aisy wid ye--and isn't he _hired_ to say all this?"

whispered Mr. Hubbaboo; and the indignant senator sat down.

"The pet.i.tion is withdrawn, sir," said Mr. Berrington, calmly.

"Then," subjoined his opponent, as quietly rising as his learned friend had sat down, "I respectfully apply to the committee to vote it _Frivolous and vexatious_."

"Possibly the committee will pause before going _that_ length," said Mr.

Berrington, very gravely; but he was mistaken. Strangers were ordered to withdraw; and, on their readmission, the chairman read the resolution of the committee, that "t.i.ttlebat t.i.tmouse, Esq., had been and was duly elected to serve for the borough of Yatton; and that the pet.i.tion against his return was FRIVOLOUS and VEXATIOUS:" by which decision, all the costs and expenses incurred by Mr. t.i.tmouse were thrown upon his opponent, Mr. Delamere--a just penalty for his wanton and presumptuous attempt. This decision was welcomed by the crowd in the committee-room with clapping of hands, stamping of feet, and cheering.--Such was the fate of the YATTON PEt.i.tION. Mr. t.i.tmouse, on entering the House that evening, was received with loud cheers from the ministerial benches: and within a few minutes afterwards, Lord Frederick Brackenbury, to give the House and the public an idea of the important service performed by the committee, rose and moved that the _evidence should be printed_--which was ordered.

The next day a very distinguished patriot gathered some of the blooming fruit of the _Bill for giving Everybody Everything_--(not for himself personally, however, but _as a trustee for the public_;) so, at least, I should infer from the following fact, that whereas in the morning his balance at the banker's was exactly 3, 10s. 7-1/2d.--by the afternoon, it was suddenly augmented to 3,003, 10s. 7-1/2d.--shortly expressed thus:--

"3: 10: 7-1/2 + 3,000 = 3,003: 10: 7-1/2."

Thus might my friend t.i.tmouse exclaim, "Out of this nettle _danger_ I have plucked the flower _safety_!" 'T was, indeed, fortunate for the country, that such, and so early, had been the termination of the contest for the representation of Yatton; for it enabled Mr. t.i.tmouse at once to enter, with all the energy belonging to his character, upon the discharge of his legislatorial functions. The very next day after his own seat had been secured to him by the decision of the committee, he was balloted for, and chosen one of the members of a committee of which _Swindle O'Gibbet, Esquire_, was chairman, for trying the validity of the return of two Tory impostors for an Irish county. So marvellously quick an insight into the merits of the case did he and his brethren in the committee obtain, that they intimated, on the conclusion of the pet.i.tioner's counsel's opening address, that it would be quite superfluous for him to call witnesses in support of a statement of facts, which it was presumed the sitting members could not think of seriously contesting. Against this, the sitting members' counsel remonstrated with indignant energy; on which the committee thought it best to let him take his own course, which would entail its own consequences; viz. that the opposition to the pet.i.tion would be voted frivolous and vexatious. A vast deal of evidence was then adduced, after which, as might have been expected, the committee reported to the House, that Lord Beverly de Wynston (who owned half the county for which he had presumed to stand) and Sir Harry Eddington, (who owned pretty near the other half,) both being resident in the county, had been unduly returned; that two most respectable gentlemen, Mr. O's.h.i.+rtless and Mr.

O'Toddy (the one a discarded attorney's clerk, and the other an insolvent publican, neither of whom had ever been in the county till the time of the election) ought to have been returned; and the clerk of the House was to amend the return accordingly; and that the opposition to the pet.i.tion had been frivolous and vexatious: which last was an ingenious and happy device for making the peer and baronet pay the expense of Messrs. O's.h.i.+rtless and O'Toddy's election! Mr. t.i.tmouse after this formed an intimate acquaintance with the two gentlemen, whom, infinitely to their own astonishment, he had helped to seat for the county, and who had many qualities kindred to his own, princ.i.p.ally in the matter of dress and drink. Very shortly afterwards he was elected one of a committee to inquire into the operation of the Usury Laws, and another of a still more important character--viz. to inquire into the state of our relations with foreign powers, with reference to free trade and the permanent preservation of peace. They continued sitting for a month, and the latter thus stated the luminous result of their inquiry and deliberation, in their report to the House: "That the only effectual mode of securing permanently the good-will of foreign powers, was by removing all restrictions upon their imports into this country, and imposing prohibitory duties upon our exports into theirs; at the same time reducing our naval and military establishments to a point which should never thereafter occasion uneasiness to any foreign power. And that any loss of revenue occasioned by the adoption of the former suggestion, would be compensated for by the saving of expenditure effected by carrying into effect the latter." He also served on one or two private committees, attended by counsel. In the course of their inquiries many very difficult and complicated questions arose, which called forth great ability on the part of counsel. On one occasion, in particular, I recollect that Mr. DEPTH, one of the most dexterous and subtile reasoners to be found at the English bar, having started the great question really at issue between the parties, addressed a long and most masterly argument to the committee. He found himself, after some time, making rapid way with them; and in particular, there were indications that he had at length powerfully arrested the attention of Mr. t.i.tmouse, who, with his chin resting on his open hand, and his elbow on the table, leaned forward towards Mr. Depth, on whom he fixed his eye apparently with deep attention. How mistaken, however, was Depth!

t.i.tmouse was thinking all the while of two very different matters; viz.

whether he could possibly sit it out without a bottle of soda-water, laboring as he was, under the sickening effects of excessive potations over-night; and also whether his favorite little terrier, t.i.tty, would win or lose in her encounter on the morrow with fifty rats--that being the number which Mr. t.i.tmouse had betted three to one she would kill in three minutes' time. The decision to which that committee might come, would affect interests to the amount of nearly a million sterling, and might or might not occasion a monstrous invasion of vested rights!

He still continued to occupy his very handsome apartments at the Albany.

You might generally have seen him, about ten o'clock in the morning, (or say _twelve_, when his attendance was not required upon committees,) reclining on his sofa, enveloped in a yellow figured satin dressing-gown, smoking an enormous hookah; with a little table before him, with a decanter of gin, cold water, and a tumbler or two upon it.

On a large round table near him lay a great number of dinner and evening cards, notes, letters, public and private, vote-papers, and Parliamentary reports. Beside him, on the sofa, lay the last number of the _Sunday Flash_--to which, and to the _Newgate Calendar_, his reading was, in fact, almost entirely confined. Over his mantelpiece was a large hideous oil-painting of two brawny and half-naked ruffians, in boxing att.i.tude; opposite was a very large picture (for which he had given seventy guineas) of Lord Scaramouch's dog Nestor, in his famous encounter with two hundred rats, which he killed in the astonis.h.i.+ngly short s.p.a.ce of seven minutes and fifteen seconds. Opposite to the door, however, was the great point of attraction; viz. a full-length portrait of t.i.tmouse himself. His neck was bare, his ample s.h.i.+rt-collar being thrown down over his shoulders, and his face looking upwards. The artist had labored hard to give it that fine indignant expression with which, in pictures of men of genius, they are generally represented as looking up towards the moon; but nature was too strong for him--his eye too accurate, and his brush too obedient to his eye; so that the only expression he could bring out was one of sensuality and stupid wonder. A rich green mantle enveloped t.i.tmouse's figure; and amid its picturesque folds, was visible his left hand, holding them together, and with a glittering ring on the first and last fingers. In one corner of the room, on a table, were a pair of foils; and on the ground near them, three or four pairs of boxing-gloves. On another table lay a guitar--on another a violin; on both of which delightful instruments he was taking almost daily lessons. Though the room was both elegantly and expensively furnished, (according to the taste of its former occupant,) it was now redolent--as were Mr. t.i.tmouse's clothes--of the odors of tobacco-smoke and gin and water. Here it was that Mr. t.i.tmouse would often spend hour after hour boxing with Billy Bully, the celebrated prize-fighter and pickpocket; or, when somewhat far gone in liquor, playing cribbage or put with his valet--an artful, impudent fellow, who had gained great influence over him.

As for the House--Modesty (the twin-sister of Merit) kept Mr. t.i.tmouse for a long time very quiet there. He saw the necessity of attentively watching everything which pa.s.sed around him, in order to become practically familiar with the routine of business, before he ventured to step forward into action, and distinguish himself. He had not been long, however, thus prudently occupied, when an occasion presented itself, of which he availed himself with all the bold felicitous prompt.i.tude of genius--whose prime distinguis.h.i.+ng characteristic is the successful seizure of opportunity. He suddenly saw that he should be able to bring into play an early accomplishment of his--one of which, when acquiring it, how little he dreamed of the signal uses to which it might be afterwards turned! The great c.o.ke hath somewhere said to the legal student, that there is no kind or degree of knowledge whatsoever, so apparently vain and useless that it shall not, if remembered, at one time or other serve his purpose. Thus it seemed about to be with Mr.

t.i.tmouse, to whom it chanced in this wise. In early life, while following the humble calling in which he was occupied when first presented to the reader, he used to amuse himself, in his long journeys about the streets, with bundle and yard-measure under his arm, by imitating the cries of cats, the crowing of c.o.c.ks, the squeaking of pigs, the braying of donkeys, and the yelping of curs; in which matters he became at length so great a proficient, as to attract the admiring attention of pa.s.sers-by, and to afford great entertainment to the circles in which he visited. There is probably no man living, though ever so great a fool, who cannot do _something_ or other well; and t.i.tmouse became a surprising proficient in the arts I have alluded to.

He could imitate a _bluebottle fly_ buzzing about the window, and, lighting upon it, abruptly cease its little noise, and anon flying off again, as suddenly resume it;--a _chicken_, peering and picking its way cautiously among the growing cabbages;--a _cat_, at midnight on the moonlit tiles, pouring forth the sorrows of her heart on account of the absence of her inconstant mate;--a _c.o.c.k_, suddenly waking out of some horrid dream--it might be the nightmare--and in the ecstasy of its fright, crowing as though it would split at once its throat and heart, alarming all mankind;--a little _cur_, yelping with mingled fear and rage, at the same time, as it were, advancing backwards, in view of a fiendish tomcat, with high-curved back, flaming eyes, and spitting fury. I only wish you had heard Mr. t.i.tmouse on these occasions; it might, perhaps, even have reminded you of the observation of Dr.

Johnson, that genius, is, "great natural powers accidentally directed."

Now there was, on a certain night, about three months after t.i.tmouse had been in the House, a kind of pitched battle between the ministry and their formidable opponents; in which the speakers on each side did their best to prove (and in the opinion of many, _successfully_) that their opponents were apostates; utterly worthless; dest.i.tute alike of public and private virtue; unfit to govern; and unworthy of the confidence of the country, which aforesaid country was indeed in happy plight in possessing a Parliament unanimous in one thing at least--viz. its own worthlessness. My Lord Bulfinch rose late on the third evening of the debate--never had been seen so full a House during the session--and in a long and able speech contended, (first,) that the opposite side were selfish, ignorant, and dishonest; and (secondly,) that Ministers had only imitated their example. He was vehemently cheered from time to time, and sat down amid a tempest of applause. Up then rose the ex-minister and leaders of the opposition, and in a very few moments there was scarce a sound to be heard except that of the delicious voice--at once clear, harmonious, distinct in utterance, and varied in intonation--of incomparably the finest Parliamentary orator of the day, Mr. VIVID. The hearts of those around him, who centred all their hopes in him, beat with anxious pride. He had a n.o.ble cast of countenance--a brilliant eye--strongly marked and most expressive features--a commanding figure--a graceful and winning address. His language, accurate, refined, copious, and vigorous, every word he uttered, _told_.

His ill.u.s.trations were as rich and apt as his reasonings were close and cogent; and his powers of ridicule were unrivalled. On the present occasion he was thoroughly roused, and put forth all his powers: he and Lord Bulfinch had been waiting for each other during the whole debate; but Mr. Vivid had at length secured the reply, and truly regarded himself as the mouthpiece of a great and grievously slandered party in the state, whom he had risen to vindicate from the elaborate and envenomed aspersions of Lord Bulfinch, who sat, speedily pierced through and through with the arrows of poignant sarcasm, amid the loud laughter of even his own side, so irresistible was the humor of the speaker. Even Mr. O'Gibbet, who had been from time to time exclaiming half aloud to those around--"Och, the pitiful fellow! The stupid baste!--Nivir mind him--Divil a word, my Lord!"--was at length subdued into silence. In fact, the whole House was rus.h.i.+ng along with the rapid, brilliant, and impa.s.sioned speaker. Every now and then, vehement and tumultuous cheering would burst forth from the opposition, as from one man, answered by as vehement and determined cheering from the ministerial benches; but you could not fail to observe an anxious and alarmed expression stealing over the faces of Lord Bulfinch's supporters. His Lords.h.i.+p sat immovably, with his arms folded, and eyes fixed on his opponent, and a bitter smile on his face, glancing frequently, however, with increasing anxiety towards Mr. O'SQUEAL, the only "great gun" he had left--that gentleman having undertaken (_infelix puer, atque impar congressus Achilli!_) to reply to Mr. Vivid. Poor Mr.

O'Squeal himself looked pale and dispirited, and would probably have given up all his little prospects to be able to sneak away from the post he had so eagerly occupied, and devolve upon others the responsibility of replying to a speech looming more and more dreadfully upon his trembling faculties every moment, as infinitely more formidable in all points of view than anything he had antic.i.p.ated. The speech must electrify the public, even as it was then electrifying the House. He held a sheet of paper in one hand resting on his knee, and a pen in the other, with which he incessantly took notes--only to disguise his fright; for his mind went not with his pen--all he heard was above and beyond him; he might as well have thought of whistling down a whirlwind; yet there was no escape for him. Was the uneasy eye of Lord Bulfinch, more and more frequently directed towards him, calculated to calm or encourage him? or the sight of the adroit, sarcastic, and brilliant debater sitting opposite, who had his eye on Mr. O'Squeal, and was evidently to rise and reply to him? Mr. O'Squeal began to feel cold as death, and at length burst into a chilly perspiration. After a two hours' speech, of uncommon power and brilliance, Mr. Vivid wound up with a rapid and striking recapitulation of the leading points of his policy when in power, which, he contended, were in triumphant contrast with those of his successors, which were wavering, inconsistent, perilous to every national interest, and in despicable subservience to the vilest and lowest impulses. "And now, sir," said Mr. Vivid, turning to the Speaker, and then directing a bold and indignant glance of defiance at Lord Bulfinch--"does the n.o.ble Lord opposite talk of _impeachment_! I ask him in the face of this House, and of the whole country, whose eyes are fixed upon it with anxiety and agitation--will he presume to repeat his threat? or will any one on his behalf?"--(turning a glance of withering scorn towards Mr. O'Squeal)--"Sir, I pause for a reply!"--And he _did_ pause--several seconds elapsing in dead silence, which was presently, however, broken in a manner that was perfectly unprecedented, and most astounding. 'T was a reply to his question; but such as, had he antic.i.p.ated it, he would never have put that question, or paused for its answer.

"_c.o.c.k-a-doodle-do-o-o-o!_" issued, with inimitable fidelity of tone and manner, from immediately behind Lord Bulfinch, who sprang from his seat as if he had been shot. Every one started; Mr. Vivid recoiled a pace or two from the table--and then a universal peal of laughter echoed from all quarters of the House, not excepting even the strangers' gallery.

The Speaker was convulsed, and could not rise to call "order." Lord Bulfinch laughed himself almost into fits; even those immediately behind Mr. Vivid were giving way to uncontrollable laughter, at so comical and monstrous an issue. He himself tried for a moment to join in the laugh, but in vain; he was terribly disconcerted and confounded. This frightful and disgusting incident had done away with the effect of his whole speech; and in twenty-four hours' time, the occurrence would be exciting merriment and derision in every corner of the kingdom!

"Order! order! order!" cried the Speaker, his face red and swollen with scarce subdued laughter. Several times Mr. Vivid attempted to resume, only, however, occasioning renewed peals of laughter. Still he persevered; and, with much presence of mind, made a pointed and witty allusion to Rome, saved by the cackling of a goose, in which manner he said the ministers hoped that night to be saved! 'T was, however, plainly useless; and after a moment or two's pause of irresolution, he yielded to his miserable fate, with visible vexation abruptly concluded his observations, gathered hastily together his papers, and resumed his seat and his hat--a signal for renewed laughter and triumphant cheering from the ministerial side of the House. Up _then_ started Mr.

O'Squeal--(as it were under cover of the c.o.c.k)--and dashed boldly off at one or two of the weakest points which had been made by his discomfited adversary, which he dealt with very dexterously; and then threw up a vast number of rhetorical fireworks, amid the glitter and blaze of which he sat down, and was enthusiastically cheered. 'T was my friend Mr.

t.i.tmouse that had worked this wonder, and entirely changed the fate of the day! Up rose Mr. O'Squeal's dreaded opponent--but in vain; he was quite crestfallen; evidently in momentary apprehension of receiving an interruption similar to that which Mr. Vivid had experienced. He was nervous and fidgety--as well he might be; and would most a.s.suredly have shared the fate of Mr. Vivid, but that t.i.tmouse was (not without very great difficulty) restrained by Lord Bulfinch, on the ground that the desired effect had been produced, and would be only impaired by a repet.i.tion. The debate came somewhat abruptly to a close; and the opposition were beaten by a majority of a _hundred and thirty_--which really looked something like a working majority.

This happy occurrence at once brought Mr. t.i.tmouse into notice, and very great favor with his party;--well, indeed, it might, for he had become a most powerful auxiliary, and need it be added how dreaded and detested he was by their opponents? How could it be otherwise, with even their leading speakers, who could scarcely ever afterwards venture on anything a little out of the common way--a little higher flight than usual--being in momentary apprehension of being suddenly brought down by some such disgusting and ludicrous interruption as the one I have mentioned, indicating the effect which the ambitious speaker was producing upon--a cat, a donkey, a c.o.c.k, or a puppy? Ah, me! what a sheep's eye each of them cast, as he went on, towards t.i.tmouse! And if ever he was observed to be absent, there was a sensible improvement in the tone and spirit of the opposition speakers. The ministerial journals all over the country worked the joke well; and in their leading articles against any of Mr. Vivid's speeches, would "sum up all, in one memorable word--'_c.o.c.k-a-doodle-do!_'"

As is generally the case, the signal success of Mr. t.i.tmouse brought into the field a host of imitators in the House; and their performances, inferior though they were, becoming more and more frequent, gave quite a new character to the proceedings of that dignified deliberative a.s.sembly. At length, however, it was found necessary to pa.s.s a resolution of the House against such practices; and it was entered on the journals, that thenceforth no honorable member should interrupt business by whistling, singing, or imitating the sounds of animals, or making any other disgusting noise whatsoever.

The political importance thus acquired by Mr. t.i.tmouse--and which he enjoyed till the pa.s.sing of the above resolution, by which it was cut up root and branch--had naturally a very elevating effect upon him; as you might have perceived, had you only once seen him swaggering along the House to his seat behind the front Treasury bench, dressed in his usual style of fas.h.i.+on, and with his quizzing-gla.s.s stuck into his eye. Mr.

O'Gibbet invariably greeted him with the utmost cordiality, and would often, at a pinching part of an opposition speech, turn round and invoke his powers, by the exclamation--"Now, now, t.i.tty!" He dined, in due course, with the Speaker--as usual, in full court-dress; and, having got a little champagne in his head, insisted on going through his leading "imitations," infinitely to the amus.e.m.e.nt of some half dozen of the guests, and _all_ the servants. His circle of acquaintance was extending every day; he became a very welcome guest, as an object of real curiosity. He was not a man, however, to be always enjoying the hospitality of others, without at least offering a return; and, at the suggestion of an experienced friend in the House, he commenced a series of "Parliamentary dinners," (presumptuous little puppy!) at the Gliddington Hotel. They went off with much _eclat_, and were duly chronicled in the daily journals, as thus:--

"On Sat.u.r.day, Mr. t.i.tmouse, M. P., entertained (his third dinner given this session) at the Gliddington Hotel, the following (among others) distinguished members of the House of Commons: Lord Nothing Nowhere, Sir Simper Silly, Mr. Flummery, Mr. O'Gibbet, Mr. Outlaw, Lord Beetle, Colonel Quod, and several others."

Mr. t.i.tmouse, at length, thought himself warranted in inviting Lord Bulfinch!--and the SPEAKER!!--and LORD FIREBRAND, (the Foreign Secretary;) all of whom, however, very politely declined, pleading previous engagements. I can hardly, in fairness, give Mr. t.i.tmouse the credit of these latter proceedings; which were, in fact, suggested to him, in the first instance, by two or three young wags in the House; who, barring a little difference in the way of bringing up, were every whit as great fools and c.o.xcombs as himself, and equally ent.i.tled to the confidence of their favored const.i.tuencies, and of the country, as so calculated for the purpose of practical legislation, and that remodelling of the national inst.i.tutions of the country, upon which the new House of Commons seemed bent.

Have YOU, reader, ever given your vote and interest to return a t.i.tMOUSE to Parliament?

'T was truly delightful to see the tables of these young gentlemen groaning under daily acc.u.mulations of Parliamentary doc.u.ments, containing all sorts of political and statistical information, collected and published with vast labor and expense, for the purpose of informing their powerful intellects upon the business of the country, so that they might come duly prepared to the important discussions in the House, on all questions of domestic and foreign policy. As for Mr. t.i.tmouse, he never relished the idea of perusing and studying these troublesome and repulsive doc.u.ments--page after page, filled with long rows of figures, tables of prices, of exchanges, &c., reports of the evidence, _verbatim et literatim_, taken in question and answer before every committee that sat; all sorts of expensive and troublesome "returns," moved for by any one that chose; he rather contented himself with attending to what went on in the House; and at the close of the session, all the doc.u.ments in question became the perquisite of his valet, who got a good round sum for them (uncut) as waste paper.

It is not difficult to understand the pleasure which my little friend experienced, in dispensing such favors and courtesies, as those of orders for the gallery, and franks, to applicants for them; for all his show of feeling it a "_bore_" to be asked. 'T was these small matters which, as it were, brought home to him a sense of his dignity, and made him _feel_ the possession of station and authority. I know not but that the following application was more gratifying to him than any which he received:--

"T. Tag-rag's best respects to T. t.i.tmouse, Esq. M. P., and begs to say how _greatly_ he will account y^e favor of obtaining an order to be Admitted to the Gallery of the House of Commons for to-morrow night, to hear the debate on the Bill for Doing away with the _Nuisance_ of Dustmen's cries of a morning.

"With Mrs. T.'s and daughter's respectful comp^{ts}.

"T. t.i.tMOUSE, ESQ. M. P."

On receiving this, t.i.tmouse looked out for the finest sheet of glossy extra-superfine gilt Bath post, scented, and in a fine flouris.h.i.+ng hand wrote as follows:--

Please To Admit y^e Barer To The Galery of The House of Commons.--T. t.i.tMOUSE. Wednesday, March 6^{th}. 18--."

But the reader, who must have been highly gratified by the unexpectedly rapid progress of Mr. t.i.tmouse in Parliamentary life, will be, doubtless, as much interested by hearing that corresponding distinction awaited him in the regions of science and literature; his pioneer thither being one who had long enjoyed a very distinguis.h.i.+ng eminence; successfully combining the character and pursuits of scholar and philosopher with those of a man of fas.h.i.+on--I mean a DOCTOR DIABOLUS GANDER. Though upwards of sixty, he found means so effectually to disguise his age, that he would have pa.s.sed for barely forty. He had himself so strong a predilection for dress, that the moment he saw t.i.tmouse he conceived a certain secret respect for that gentleman; and, in fact, the two dressed pretty nearly in the same style. The doctor pa.s.sed for a philosopher in society. He had spent most of his days in drilling youth in the elements of the mathematics; of which he had the same kind and degree of knowledge that is possessed of English literature by an old governess who has spent her life in going over the first part of Lindley Murray's English Grammar with children. Just so much did the doctor know of the scope, the object, the application of the mathematics. His great distinguis.h.i.+ng talent was, that of rendering the most abstruse science, "_popular_;"--_i.e._ utterly unintelligible to those who did understand science, and very exciting and entertaining to those who did _not_. He had a knack of getting hold of obscure and starving men of genius and science, and secretly availing himself of their labors. He would pay them with comparative liberality to write, in an elegant style, on subjects of pure and mixed science; but when published, the name of _Diabolus Gander_ would appear upon the t.i.tle-page; and, to enable the doctor to do this with _some_ comfort to his conscience, he would actually copy out the whole of the ma.n.u.script, and make a few alterations in it. But, alas! _omne quod tetgit faedavit_; and it invariably happened that these were the very _maculae_ pitched upon, exposed, and ridiculed by reviewers. No man could spread his small stock over a larger surface than Dr. Gander; no man be more successful in ingratiating himself with those persons so useful to an enterprising empiric--viz. wealthy fools. He paid constant court to t.i.tmouse, from the first moment he saw him; and took the liberty of calling--unasked--the very next day, at his rooms in the Albany. He soon satisfied t.i.tmouse that his glib visitor was a great philosopher, whom it was an advantage and a distinction to be acquainted with. He took my little admiring friend, for instance, to hear him deliver a lecture at the Hanover Square Rooms, to a crowd of fine ladies and old gentlemen, who greatly applauded all he said, upon a subject equally abstruse, interesting, and instructive; viz. the occult qualities of _Triangles_.

In short, he was indefatigable in his attentions to t.i.tmouse, and was a very frequent guest at his dinner-table. He gave t.i.tmouse, on one of these occasions, an amazing account of the distinction accruing to a member of any of the great learned societies; and, in fact, quite inflamed his little imagination upon the subject--sounding him as to his wish to become a member of some great society, in common with half the dukes, marquises, earls, and barons in the kingdom--in particular his own august kinsman, the Earl of Dreddlington himself.

"Why--a--'pon my soul--" quoth t.i.tmouse, grinning, as he tossed off his tenth gla.s.s of champagne with the bland and voluble doctor--"I--I--shouldn't much dislike a thingumbob or two at the end of my name--but what's the figure?"

"Certainly, I myself, as a zealous lover of science, my dear sir, consider her honors always well bestowed on those eminent in rank and station; though they may not have gone through the drudgery of scientific details, sir, their countenance _irradiates_ the pale cheek of un.o.btrusive science"----

"Ya--a--s, 'pon honor, it certainly does," quoth t.i.tmouse, not exactly, however, comprehending the doctor's fine figure of speech.

"Now, look you, Mr. t.i.tmouse," continued the doctor, "the greatest society in all England, out and out, is the CREDULOUS SOCIETY. I happen to have some _leetle_ influence there, through which I have been able, I am happy to say, to introduce several n.o.blemen."

"Have you, by Jove?" cried t.i.tmouse; "but what the devil do they _do_ there?"

"Do, my dear sir! They meet for the purpose of--consider the distinguished men that are Fellows of that society! It was only the other day that the Duke of Tadcaster told me, (the very day after I had succeeded in getting his Grace elected,) that he was as proud of the letters 'F. C. S,' added to his name, as he was of his dukedom!"