Ten Thousand a-Year Volume Iii Part 5

"An' what if ye have? What's that to a gintleman o' your consequence in the country? It's, moreover, only once and for all; only stick in _now_--and you stay in for seven years, and come in for nothing next general election; and now--d'ye hear me, sir? for time presses--retire, and give the seat to a Tory if you will--(what's the name o' the blackguard? Oh, it's young Delamere)--and have your own borough stink under your nose all your days! But can you keep a secret like a gintleman? Judging from your appearance, I should say yes--sir--is it so?" t.i.tmouse placed his hand over his beating heart, and with a great oath solemnly declared that he would be "mum as death;" on which Mr.

O'Gibbet lowered his tone to a faint whisper--"You'll distinctly understand I've nothing to do with it personally, but it's impossible, sir--d'ye hear?--to fight the divil except with his own weapons--and there are too many o' the enemies o' the people in the House--a little _money_, sir--eh? Aisy, aisy--softly say I! Isn't that the way to get along?" added Mr. O'Gibbet, with a rich leer, and poking t.i.tmouse in the ribs.

"'Pon my life that'll do--and--and--what's the figure, sir?"

"Sir, as you're a young mimber, and of Liberal principles," continued Mr. O'Gibbet, dropping his tone still lower, "_three_ thousand pounds"----t.i.tmouse started as if he had been shot. "Mind, that _clears_ you, sir, d'ye understand? Everything! Out and out, no reservation at all at all--divil a bit!"

"'Pon my precious soul, I shall be ruined between you all!" gasped t.i.tmouse, faintly.

"Sir, you're not the man I took you for," replied Mr. O'Gibbet, impatiently and contemptuously. "Don't you see a barleycorn before your nose? You'll be _beat_ after spending three times the money I name, and be liable to ten thousand pounds' penalties besides for bribery"----

"Oh, 'pon my life, sir, as for _that_," said t.i.tmouse, briskly, but feeling sick at heart, "I've no more to do with it than--my tiger"----

"Bah! you're a babby, I see!" quoth O'Gibbet, testily. "What's the name o' your man o' business?--there's not a minute to lose--it's your greatest friend I mane to be, I a.s.sure ye--tut, what's his name?"

"Mr. Gammon," replied t.i.tmouse, anxiously.

"Let him, sir, be with me at my house in Ruffian Row by nine to-morrow morning to a minute--and alone," said Mr. O'Gibbet, with his lip close to t.i.tmouse's ear--"and once more, d'ye hear, sir?--a breath about this to any one, an' you're a ruined man--you're in my power most complately!"--With this Mr. O'Gibbet and Mr. t.i.tmouse parted--the former having much other similar business on hand, and the latter determined to hurry off to Mr. Gammon forthwith: and in fact he was within the next five minutes in his cab, on his way to Thavies' Inn.

Mr. Gammon was at Mr. O'Gibbet's (of whom he spoke to t.i.tmouse in the most earnest and unqualified terms of admiration) at the appointed time: and after an hour's private conference with him, they both went off to Mr. Flummery's official residence in Pillory Place; but what pa.s.sed there I never have been able to ascertain with sufficient accuracy to warrant me in laying it before the reader.

When the day for taking into consideration the YATTON PEt.i.tION had arrived--on a voice calling out at the door of the House, "Counsel in the Yatton pet.i.tion!" in walked forthwith eight learned gentlemen, four being of counsel for the pet.i.tioner, and four for the sitting member--attended by their respective agents, who stood behind, while the counsel took their seats at the bar of a very crowded and excited House; for there were several election committees to be balloted for on that day. The door was then locked; and the order of the day was read.

t.i.tmouse might have been seen popping up and down about the back ministerial benches, like a parched pea. On the front Treasury bench sat Mr. O'Gibbet, his hat slouched over his fat face, his arms folded. On the table stood several gla.s.ses, containing little rolls of paper, each about two or three inches long, and with the name of every member of the House severally inscribed on them. These gla.s.ses being placed before the Speaker, the clerk rose, and taking out one or two of the rolls of paper at a time, presented them to the Speaker; who, opening each, read out aloud the name inscribed, to the House. Now, the object was, on such occasions, to draw out the names of _thirty-three_ members then present; which were afterwards to be reduced, by each party alternately striking off eleven names, to ELEVEN--who const.i.tuted the committee charged with the trial of the pet.i.tion. Now the astute reader will see that, imagining the House to be divided into two great cla.s.ses, viz. those _favorable_ and those _opposed_ to the pet.i.tioner--according to whose success or failure a vote was retained, lost, or gained to the _party_--and as the number of thirty-three cannot be more nearly divided than into seventeen and sixteen, 't is said by those experienced in such matters, that in cases where it ran so close--that side invariably and necessarily won who drew the _seventeenth_ name; seeing that each party having eleven names of those in his opponent's interest, to expunge out of the thirty-three, he who luckily drew this prize of the SEVENTEENTH MAN, was sure to have SIX good men and true on the committee against the other's FIVE. And thus of course it was, in the case of a greater or less proportion of favorable or adverse persons answering to their names. So keenly was all this felt and appreciated by the whole House on these interesting--these _solemn_, these _deliberative_, and JUDICIAL occasions--that on every name being called, there were sounds heard, and symptoms witnessed, indicative of eager delight or intense vexation.

Now, on the present occasion, it would at first have appeared as if some unfair advantage had been secured by the opposition; since five of _their_ names were called, to two of those of their opponents; but then only one of the five _answered_, (it so happening that the other four were absent, disqualified as being pet.i.tioned against, or exempt,) while both of the _two_ answered!--You should have seen the chagrined faces, and heard the loud acclamations of "Ts!--ts!--ts!" on either side of the House, when their own men's names were thus abortively called over!--the delight visible on the other side!--The issue long hung in suspense; and at length the scales were evenly poised, and the House was in a state of exquisite anxiety; for the next eligible name answered to, would really determine which side was to gain or lose a seat.

"_Sir Ezekiel Tuddington_"--cried the Speaker, amid profound and agitated silence. He was one of the opposition--but answered not; he was absent. "Ts! ts! ts!" cried the opposition.

"_Gabriel Grubb_"--This was a ministerial man, who rose, and said he was serving on another committee. "Ts! ts! ts!" cried the ministerial side.

"_Bennet Barleycorn_"--(opposition)--pet.i.tioned against. "Ts! ts! ts!"

vehemently cried out the opposition.

"PHELIM O'DOODLE"----

"Here!" exclaimed that honorable member, spreading triumph over the ministerial, and dismay over the opposition side of the House; and the thirty-three names having been thus called and answered to, a loud buzz arose on all sides--of congratulation or despondency.

The fate of the pet.i.tion, it was said, was already as good as decided.--The parties having retired to "strike"[3] the committee, returned in about an hour's time, and the following members were then sworn in, and ordered to meet the next morning at eleven o'clock:--

_Ministerial._ _Opposition._

(1.) Sir Simper Silly. (1.) Castleton Plume.

(2.) Noah No-land. (2.) Charles D'Eresby.

(3.) Phelim O'Doodle. (3.) Merton Mortimer.

(4.) Micah M'Squash. (4.) Sir Simon Alkmond, Bart.

(5.) Sir Caleb Calf. (5.) Lord Frederick Brackenbury.

(6.) Och Hubbaboo.

And the six, of course, on their meeting, chose the _chairman_, who was a sure card--to wit, SIR CALEB CALF, Bart.[4]

Mr. Delamere's counsel and agents, together with Mr. Delamere himself, met at consultation that evening, all with the depressed air of men who are proceeding with any undertaking _contra spem_. "Well, what think you of our committee?" inquired, with a significant smile, Mr. Berrington, the eloquent, acute, and experienced leading counsel. All present shrugged their shoulders, but at length agreed that even with _such_ a committee, their case was an overpowering one; that _no_ committee could dare to shut their eyes to such an array of facts as were here collected; the clearest case of _agency_ made out--Mr. Berrington declared--that he had ever known in all his practice; and eleven distinct cases of BRIBERY, supported each by at least three unexceptionable witnesses; together with half-a-dozen cases of TREATING; in fact, the whole affair, it was admitted, had been most admirably got up, under the management of Mr. Crafty, (who was present,) and they _must_ succeed.

"Of course, they'll call for proof of AGENCY first," quoth Mr.

Berrington, carelessly glancing over his enormous brief; "and we'll at once fix this--what's his name--the Unitarian parson, m.u.f.f--m.u.f.fin--eh?"

"Mudflint--Smirk Mudflint"----

"Aha!--Well!--we'll begin with him, and----then trot out Bloodsuck and Centipede. Fix _them_--the rest all follow, and they'll strike, in spite of their committee--or--egad--we'll have a shot at the sitting member himself."

By eleven o'clock the next morning the committee and the parties were in attendance--the room quite crowded--such a quant.i.ty of Yatton faces!--There, near the chairman, with his hat perched as usual on his bushy hair, and dressed in his ordinarily extravagant and absurd style--his gla.s.s screwed into his eye, and his hands stuck into his hinder coat-pockets, and resting on his hips, stood Mr. t.i.tmouse; and after the usual preliminaries had been gone through, up rose Mr.

Berrington with the calm confident air of a man going to open a winning case--and an overwhelming one he _did_ open--the chairman glancing gloomily at the five ministerials on his right, and then inquisitively at the five opposition members on his left. The statement of Mr.

Berrington was luminous and powerful. As he went on, he disclosed almost as minute and accurate a knowledge of the movements of the Yellows at Yatton, as Mr. Gammon himself could have supplied him with. That gentleman shared in the dismay felt around him. 'T was clear that there had been infernal treachery; that they were all ruined. "By Jove!

there's no standing up against _this_--in spite of our committee--unless we break them down at the agency--for Berrington don't overstate his cases," whispered Mr. Granville, the leading counsel for the sitting member, to one of his juniors, and to Gammon; who sighed and said nothing. With all his experience in the general business of his profession, he knew, when he said this, little or nothing of what might be expected from a _favorable election committee_. Stronger and stronger, blacker and blacker, closer and closer, came out the pet.i.tioner's case. The five opposition members paid profound attention to Mr. Berrington, and took notes; while, as for the ministerials, one was engaged with his betting book, another writing out franks, (in which he dealt,) a third conning over an attorney's letter, and two were quietly playing together at "_t.i.t-tat-to_." As was expected, the committee called peremptorily for proof of AGENCY; and I will say only, that if _Smirk Mudflint_, _Barnabas Bloodsuck_, and _Seth Centipede_, were not fixed as the "AGENTS" of the sitting member--then there is no such relation as that of princ.i.p.al and agent _in rerum natura_; there never was in this world an agent who had a princ.i.p.al, or a princ.i.p.al who had an agent.--Take only, for instance, the case of Mudflint. He was proved to have been from first to last an active member of Mr.

t.i.tmouse's committee; attending daily, hourly, and on hundreds of occasions, in the presence of Mr. t.i.tmouse--canva.s.sing with him--consulting him--making appointments with him for calling on voters, which appointments he invariably kept; letters in his handwriting relating to the election, signed some by Mr. t.i.tmouse, some by Mr.

Gammon; circulars similarly signed, and distributed by Mudflint, and the addresses in his handwriting; several election bills paid by him on account of Mr. t.i.tmouse; directions given by him and observed, as to the bringing up voters to the poll; publicans' bills paid at the committee-room, in the presence of Mr. t.i.tmouse--and, in short, many other such acts as these were established against all three of the above persons. Such a dreadful effect did all this have upon Mr. Bloodsuck and Mr. Centipede, that they were obliged to go out, in order to get a little gin and water; for they were indeed in a sort of death-sweat. As for Mudflint, he seemed to get sallower and sallower every minute; and felt almost disposed to utter an inward prayer, had he thought it would have been of the slightest use. Mr. Berrington's witnesses were fiercely cross-examined, but no material impression was produced upon them; and when Mr. Granville, on behalf of the sitting member, confident and voluble, rose to prove to the committee that his learned friend's case was one of the most trumpery that had ever come before a committee--a mere bottle of smoke;--that the three gentlemen in question had been no more the agents of the sitting member than was he--the counsel then on his legs--the agent of the Speaker of the House of Commons, and that every one of the pet.i.tioner's witnesses was unworthy of belief--in fact _perjured_--how suddenly awake to the importance of the investigation became the ministerialist members! They never removed their eyes from Mr. Granville, except to take notes of his pointed, cogent, unanswerable observations! _He called no witnesses._ At length he sat down; and strangers were ordered to withdraw--and 'twas well they did: for such an amazing uproar ensued among the committee, as soon as the five opposition members discovered, to their astonishment and disgust, that there was the least doubt among their opponents as to the establishment of agency, as would not, possibly, have tended to raise that committee, as a judicial body, in public estimation. After an hour and a half's absence, strangers were readmitted. Great was the rush--for the fate of the pet.i.tion hung on the decision to be immediately p.r.o.nounced. As soon as the counsel had taken their seats, and the eager, excited crowd been subdued into something like silence, the chairman, Sir Caleb Calf, with a flushed face, and a very uneasy expression, read from a sheet of foolscap paper, which he held in his hand, as follows:--

"Resolved--That the Pet.i.tioner's Counsel be directed to _proceed_ with evidence of AGENCY," [_i. e._ the committee were of opinion that no sufficient evidence had yet been given, to establish Messrs. Mudflint, Bloodsuck, and Centipede, as the agents of Mr. t.i.tmouse, in the election for Yatton!!!] The five opposition members sat with stern indignant faces, all with their backs turned towards the chairman; and nothing but a very high tone of feeling, and chivalrous sense of their position, as members of a public committee of the House of Commons, prevented their repeating in public their fierce protest against the monstrous decision at which the committee, through the casting voice of the redoubtable chairman, had arrived.

Their decision was not immediately understood or appreciated by the majority of those present. After a pause of some moments, and amid profound silence--

"Have I rightly understood the resolution of the committee, sir,"

inquired Mr. Berrington, with an amazed air, "that the evidence already adduced _is not sufficient_ to satisfy them as to the _agency_ of Messrs. Mudflint, Bloodsuck, and Centipede?"

"The committee _meant_, sir, to express as much," replied the chairman, dryly, and he sealed a letter with affected indifference: _affected_, indeed! the letter being one addressed to a friend, to desire him forthwith to take a hostile message on his--the chairman's--behalf to Colonel D'Eresby, one of the committee, who had, during the discussion with closed doors, spoken his mind pretty freely concerning the conduct of the aforesaid chairman!

"Good G.o.d!" exclaimed Mr. Berrington, (on receiving the chairman's answer to his inquiry,) in a tone of voice loud enough to be heard all over the room, "_neither would they believe though one rose from the dead_."

"We'd better strike," said his juniors.

"I think so, too," said Mr. Berrington; adding, as he turned towards the committee with an air of undisguised disgust, "I protest, sir, that never in the whole course of my experience have I been so astounded as I am at the decision to which the committee has just come. Probably, under these circ.u.mstances, the committee will be pleased to adjourn till the morning, to give us an opportunity of considering the course we shall pursue." (This produced a great sensation.)

"Certainly, let it be so," replied the chairman, blandly, yet anxiously; and the committee broke up. Before they met again, three shots a-piece had been exchanged between the chairman and Colonel D'Eresby--"happily without effect," and the parties left the ground in as hostile a spirit as they had reached it. I will say for the colonel, that he was a plain, straightforward soldier, who did not understand nonsense, nor could tolerate coquetting with an oath.

"Of course the pet.i.tion is dropped?" said Mr. Berrington, bitterly, as soon as all were a.s.sembled in the evening, in consultation at his chambers.

"Of course," was the answer, in a sufficiently melancholy tone.

"So help me heaven!" said Mr. Berrington, "I feel disposed to say I will never again appear before a committee. This sort of thing cannot go on much longer! To think that every man of that committee is sworn before G.o.d to do his duty! I'll take care to strike every one of those six men off from any future list that _I_ may have to do with!"

"I can say only," remarked the second counsel, a calm and experienced lawyer, "that, in my opinion, had all of us sat down to frame, beforehand, a perfect case of agency--with facts at will--we could never have framed one stronger than the one to-day declared insufficient."

"I have been in seven other pet.i.tions," said Mr. Berrington, "this very week; but there the sitting members were Tories: Gracious Heaven! what facts have been _there_ held sufficient proof of agency!--The _Barnard Castle_ committee yesterday held that to have been seen once shaking hands in a pastry-cook's shop with the sitting member, was sufficient evidence of _agency_--and we've lost the seat! In the _Cuc.u.mber_ committee, a man who by chance stood once under a doorway with the sitting member, in a sudden shower of rain--was held thereby to have become his agent; and we _there_ also lost the seat!--Faugh! what would foreigners say if they heard such things?"

"It's perhaps hardly worth mentioning," said Mr. Parkinson; "but this afternoon I happened to see Mr. O'Gibbet dining with Mr. O'Doodle, Mr.

Hubbaboo, and Mr. M'Squash, off pork and greens, at the Jolly Thieves'

Tavern, in Dodge Street----I--I--they were talking together very eagerly"----