The Wind Bloweth Part 16

He went up to her in the dusk, put his hands gently on her shoulders.

The quivering frame became still suddenly, with a greater nervousness.

She was like a deer ready to bound away....

"I don't see what I could have done, Claire-Anne. But--can I do anything now?"

She turned toward him suddenly. Her face was a mask of pain--and surprise.

"Then you haven't grown cold to me, unmerciful, ... or gross?"

"Why, no, Claire-Anne!"

"And you know."

"I--know, but I don't understand...."

She gave a queer, little shuddering cry, half laugh, half sob. She moved over to the seat by the whispering mulberry-tree, and dropped in it, her hands covering her face.

"All the wrong," she said, "that people call wrong I've done I didn't mind. But the one decent thing--of loving you--that's kept me awake all the time you were away. It's been like a sin, letting you love me. The rest was destiny, but this one thing was--I."

She suddenly raised her face, her eyes s.h.i.+ning through the humid mask of it.

"Would you--could you--understand?"

"Tell me, Claire-Anne, what you want to."

She drew a short gasping breath, turned her head away, looked up, turned it away again, paused for breath, gripped his hand by the wrist....

"I ... I ... I was the child of actors, and they died, and there was enough money to bring me up and educate me, and give me my chance on the stage.... And I wasn't good enough.... I was too much myself. Couldn't quite be other characters. I don't know if you understand.... But ...

then a man got infatuated with me and married me.... And later he wished he'd married a--comfortable woman with a fortune.... And then he died and left me ... not very much.... But that was not the reason.... I was left, how do you say?... stranded. I had no career, no husband, no child, no business. France, it is not easy ... not easy anywhere....

Friends? People are too busy.... And I was ... just there.... And all around me life bubbled and flowed, and I was ... not dead, not alive ...

and alone ... I might have been a leper, but even lepers have colonies, and some one to be kind to them ... not dead, not alive ... and alone. I was so young.... It was unfair. Life was everywhere like a sparkling wine ... but where I was, was flat....

"And then--then I met a man ... it was pleasant for a while--to have some one to talk to, to go around with. It's so pleasant to laugh. You don't know how pleasant until you haven't laughed for a long time.... He didn't want to marry ... and in the end it was a choice of--oh, well ...

or going back to being not dead, not alive ... and I couldn't go, just couldn't. And he gave me presents of money.... And then he got married.

I don't blame him ... a comfortable woman with a fortune ... but I wasn't left for long.... Where one goes, others always follow....

There's a sort of ... _sentier intuitif_, a psychic path....

"And I wasn't so ashamed ... I was a little glad I had a place in the world ... a work even.... And every one might despise me.... I had a place.... I was no longer not dead, not alive.... I was even thankful for that.... Until I met you with your--terrible courtesy, with your understanding.... My head and my heart melted, and my body, too, and all had been so firm, so decided.... And I dreamed that I could s.n.a.t.c.h a while from destiny.... But--you see.... What the consul said was true, so ... dearest--but I mustn't ever call you dearest again."

"Claire-Anne!"

"Well, then--dearest, you see why I couldn't marry you when you asked."

She laughed bitterly. "If you had only known...."

He took a terrible grip on himself, faced her, looked at her.

"Claire-Anne, will you marry me now?"

"I don't know why you say it, but I know one thing: you are true. And I thank you ... but please don't make me cry any more. I have cried so much when you were away.... If only five years ago before I was ...

_estropiee_ ... crippled....

"Destiny...."

-- 11

Dusk had gone; darkness had come, and now darkness itself would leave soon, for the third quarter of a great saffron moon showed its edge in the eastward. Ma.r.s.eilles was like the pale light of a candle. And a great palpable darkness had settled like water in the hollow of the woods.

"Dearest"--her voice took sudden strength--"will you forgive me? I don't say that just as if I'd done a small wrong. But will a big power come out of your heart and say: 'It's all right, Claire-Anne. I understood.'

It will be so much for me to know that--in the days when you are gone--"

"But, Claire-Anne, I'm not gone--"

"You must go, dearest. You must go now. Don't you see?" Her voice grew gentle. "You couldn't stay any more. It wouldn't be like you, somehow.

And I wouldn't have you spoiled in my eyes ... darling, you could never be ... but you must go...."

"And you, Claire-Anne--"

"Destiny ... a long, lean finger ... a path...."

"But you never know--"

"We know, we poor women, Shane. We know.... Shane, don't you understand ... what makes the ... girl in the archway, the emperor's mistress, drink, take ether ... do strange horrors?.... They know.... And they want to escape from seeing it ... for an instant even ... the terrible story of the _Belle Heaulmiere_ ... the 'Armorer's Daughter':

_"Ainsi le bon temps regretons Entre nous, pauvres vielles sotes, a.s.sises bas, a crouppetons, Tout en ung tas commes pelotes_, _A pet.i.t feu de chenevotes Tost allumees, tost estaintes: Et jadis fusmes si mignotes!...

Ainsi emprent a maintes et maintes._

"Do you understand, Shane, do you understand? So we regret the good old times, poor old light women, gathered together like f.a.gots, and hunkering over a straw fire, soon lit, soon out--_tost allumees, tost estaintes_ ... and once we were so dainty. To many and many's the one it happens. _Pauvres vielles sotes!_ Poor old light women, Shane.... _Et jadis fusmes si mignotes!_ ... Dainty as I am, they were once.... And do you blame them now when see it coming ... the drink, the ether ... the abominable things...."

"O my G.o.d! Claire-Anne!"

"Heart of hearts, Shane. I once escaped to light, where they escape to oblivion.... Once I had you, and all my life I'll remember it.... All my life I'll remember: I once knew a man.... And it will be a help, so much a help...."

"Oh, Claire-Anne, it can't be!"

"It must be, dearest heart. It is--decreed. Darling, sometimes I thought--Do you remember your showing me the poor prince's dagger, and our talking about him--setting himself free--and I said I thought I could understand why he did not.... I've wanted to, myself.... But....

There's a way you're brought up, when you're young.... They put such fear of G.o.d in you ... such fear of h.e.l.l ... you never could--throw things down and go straight to Him, and say: 'I couldn't. I just simply couldn't. I hadn't the strength. I couldn't ... just....' And they never think of Him saying: 'Of course you couldn't.... And it was all My fault. I wasn't looking.... I've so much to think of.... You did right to come to Me....' But, no! no! One fears. They teach you so much fear, Shane, when you are young ... so that even this is better--this--game, where none win.... And so--one goes on...."

She rose suddenly and clutched his shoulders in panic. Her mouth twisted in piteous agony....

"Oh, but dearest, dearest, _pauvres vielles sotes_, poor old light women.... Shane, _a.s.sises bas, a crouppetons_, in an archway, hoping for a drunken farmer with a couple of sous ... and so cold, so cold, with a little fire of straw stalks ... _tost allumees, tost estaintes!_" ...

"No, Claire-Anne! no!"

"A drunken farmer, or traveling pedler.... _Et jadis fusmes si mignotes_ ... and so dainty once!"

"No!" His voice took the ring of decision. She didn't hear him. Her voice broke into a torrent of sobs.

"Take me in your arms, Shane, once more. And let my heart come into your heart, where it's so warm ... and I'll have something to remember in the days when it will be ... so cold, so cold ... and I'll be there warming old bones.... _A pet.i.t feu de chenevotes_.... Shane, dearest, please...."