Autocrat of the Breakfast Table Part 23

Por_ch_mouth.

Cincinnat_ah_.

What a sad picture of our civilization!

I did not speak to you of the great tree on what used to be the Colman farm, in Deerfield, simply because I had not seen it for many years, and did not like to trust my recollection. But I had it in memory, and even noted down, as one of the finest trees in symmetry and beauty I had ever seen. I have received a doc.u.ment, signed by two citizens of a neighboring town, certified by the postmaster and a selectman, and these again corroborated, reinforced, and sworn to by a member of that extraordinary college-cla.s.s to which it is the good fortune of my friend the Professor to belong, who, though he has _formerly_ been a member of Congress, is, I believe, fully worthy of confidence. The tree "girts"

eighteen and a half feet, and spreads over a hundred, and is a real beauty. I hope to meet my friend under its branches yet; if we don't have "youth at the prow," we will have "pleasure at the 'elm."

And just now, again, I have got a letter about some grand willows in Maine, and another about an elm in Wayland, but too late for anything but thanks.

[And this leads me to say, that I have received a great many communications, in prose and verse since I began printing these notes.

The last came this very morning, in the shape of a neat and brief poem, from New Orleans. I could not make any of them public, though sometimes requested to do so. Some of them have given me great pleasure, and encouraged me to believe I had friends whose faces I had never seen. If you are pleased with anything a writer says, and doubt whether to tell him of it, do not hesitate; a pleasant word is a cordial to one, who perhaps thinks he is tiring you, and so becomes tired himself. I purr very loud over a good, honest letter that says pretty things to me.]

-Sometimes very young persons send communications which they want forwarded to editors; and these young persons do not always seem to have right conceptions of these same editors, and of the public, and of themselves. Here is a letter I wrote to one of these young folks, but, on the whole, thought it best not to send. It is not fair to single out one for such sharp advice, where there are hundreds that are in need of it.

DEAR SIR,-You seem to be somewhat, but not a great deal, wiser than I was at your age. I don't wish to be understood as saying too much, for I think, without committing myself to any opinion on my present state, that I was not a Solomon at that stage of development.

You long to "leap at a single bound into celebrity." Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable. Fame usually comes to those who are thinking about something else,-very rarely to those who say to themselves, "Go to, now, let us be a celebrated individual!"

The struggle for fame, as such, commonly ends in notoriety;-that ladder is easy to climb, but it leads to the pillory which is crowded with fools who could not hold their tongues and rogues who could not hide their tricks.

If you have the consciousness of genius, do something to show it.

The world is pretty quick, nowadays, to catch the flavor of true originality; if you write anything remarkable, the magazines and newspapers will find you out, as the school-boys find out where the ripe apples and pears are. Produce anything really good, and an intelligent editor will jump at it. Don't flatter yourself that any article of yours is rejected because you are unknown to fame.

Nothing pleases an editor more than to get anything worth having from a new hand. There is always a dearth of really fine articles for a first-rate journal; for, of a hundred pieces received, ninety are at or below the sea-level; some have water enough, but no head; some head enough, but no water; only two or three are from full reservoirs, high up that hill which is so hard to climb.

You may have genius. The contrary is of course probable, but it is not demonstrated. If you have, the world wants you more than you want it. It has not only a desire, but a pa.s.sion, for every spark of genius that shows itself among us; there is not a bull-calf in our national pasture that can bleat a rhyme but it is ten to one, among his friends, and no takers, that he is the real, genuine, no-mistake Osiris.

_Qu'est ce qu'il a fait_? What has he done? That was Napoleon's test. What have you done? Turn up the faces of your picture-cards, my boy! You need not make mouths at the public because it has not accepted you at your own fancy-valuation. Do the prettiest thing you can and wait your time.

For the verses you send me, I will not say they are hopeless, and I dare not affirm that they show promise. I am not an editor, but I know the standard of some editors. You must not expect to "leap with a single bound" into the society of those whom it is not flattery to call your betters. When "The Pactolian" has paid you for a copy of verses,-(I can furnish you a list of alliterative signatures, beginning with Annie Aureole and ending with Zoe Zenith,)-when "The Rag-bag" has stolen your piece, after carefully scratching your name out,-when "The Nut-cracker" has thought you worth sh.e.l.ling, and strung the kernel of your cleverest poem,-then, and not till then, you may consider the presumption against you, from the fact of your rhyming tendency, as called in question, and let our friends hear from you, if you think it worth while. You may possibly think me too candid, and even accuse me of incivility; but let me a.s.sure you that I am not half so plain-spoken as Nature, nor half so rude as Time.

If you prefer the long jolting of public opinion to the gentle touch of friends.h.i.+p, try it like a man. Only remember this,-that, if a bushel of potatoes is shaken in a market-cart without springs to it, the small potatoes always get to the bottom.

Believe me, etc., etc.

I always think of verse-writers, when I am in this vein; for these are by far the most exacting, eager, self-weighing, restless, querulous, unreasonable literary persons one is like to meet with. Is a young man in the habit of writing verses? Then the presumption is that he is an inferior person. For, look you, there are at least nine chances in ten that he writes _poor_ verses. Now the habit of chewing on rhymes without sense and soul to match them is, like that of using any other narcotic, at once a proof of feebleness and a debilitating agent. A young man can get rid of the presumption against him afforded by his writing verses only by convincing us that they are verses worth writing.

All this sounds hard and rough, but, observe, it is not addressed to any individual, and of course does not refer to any reader of these pages. I would always treat any given young person pa.s.sing through the meteoric showers which rain down on the brief period of adolescence with great tenderness. G.o.d forgive us if we ever speak harshly to young creatures on the strength of these ugly truths, and so sooner or later, smite some tender-souled poet or poetess on the lips who might have sung the world into sweet trances, had we not silenced the matin-song in its first low breathings! Just as my heart yearns over the unloved, just so it sorrows for the ungifted who are doomed to the pangs of an undeceived self-estimate. I have always tried to be gentle with the most hopeless cases. My experience, however, has not been encouraging.

-X. Y., aet. 18, a cheaply-got-up youth, with narrow jaws, and broad, bony, cold, red hands, having been laughed at by the girls in his village, and "got the mitten" (p.r.o.nounced mitt_i_n) two or three times, falls to souling and controlling, and youthing and truthing, in the newspapers. Sends me some strings of verses, candidates for the Orthopedic Infirmary, all of them, in which I learn for the millionth time one of the following facts: either that something about a chime is sublime, or that something about time is sublime, or that something about a chime is concerned with time, or that something about a rhyme is sublime or concerned with time or with a chime. Wishes my opinion of the same, with advice as to his future course.

What shall I do about it? Tell him the whole truth, and send him a ticket of admission to the Inst.i.tution for Idiots and Feeble-minded Youth? One doesn't like to be cruel,-and yet one hates to lie.

Therefore one softens down the ugly central fact of donkeyism,-recommends study of good models,-that writing verse should be an incidental occupation only, not interfering with the hoe, the needle, the lapstone, or the ledger,-and, above all that there should be no hurry in printing what is written. Not the least use in all this. The poetaster who has tasted type is done for. He is like the man who has once been a candidate for the Presidency. He feeds on the madder of his delusion all his days, and his very bones grow red with the glow of his foolish fancy.

One of these young brains is like a bunch of India crackers; once touch fire to it and it is best to keep hands off until it has done popping,-if it ever stops. I have two letters on file; one is a pattern of adulation, the other of impertinence. My reply to the first, containing the best advice I could give, conveyed in courteous language, had brought out the second. There was some sport in this, but Dulness is not commonly a game fish, and only sulks after he is struck. You may set it down as a truth which admits of few exceptions, that those who ask your _opinion_ really want your _praise_, and will be contented with nothing less.

There is another kind of application to which editors, or those supposed to have access to them, are liable, and which often proves trying and painful. One is appealed to in behalf of some person in needy circ.u.mstances who wishes to make a living by the pen. A ma.n.u.script accompanying the letter is offered for publication. It is not commonly brilliant, too often lamentably deficient. If Rachel's saying is true, that "fortune is the measure of intelligence," then poverty is evidence of limited capacity which it too frequently proves to be, notwithstanding a n.o.ble exception here and there. Now an editor is a person under a contract with the public to furnish them with the best things he can afford for his money. Charity shown by the publication of an inferior article would be like the generosity of Claude Duval and the other gentlemen highwaymen, who pitied the poor so much they robbed the rich to have the means of relieving them.

Though I am not and never was an editor, I know something of the trials to which they are submitted. They have nothing to do but to develope enormous calluses at every point of contact with authors.h.i.+p. Their business is not a matter of sympathy, but of intellect. They must reject the unfit productions of those whom they long to befriend, because it would be a profligate charity to accept them. One cannot burn his house down to warm the hands even of the fatherless and the widow.

THE PROFESSOR UNDER CHLOROFORM.

-You haven't heard about my friend the Professor's first experiment in the use of anaesthetics, have you?

He was mightily pleased with the reception of that poem of his about the chaise. He spoke to me once or twice about another poem of similar character he wanted to read me, which I told him I would listen to and criticize.

One day, after dinner, he came in with his face tied up, looking very red in the cheeks and heavy about the eyes.-Hy'r'ye?-he said, and made for an arm-chair, in which he placed first his hat and then his person, going smack through the crown of the former as neatly as they do the trick at the circus. The Professor jumped at the explosion as if he had sat down on one of those small _calthrops_ our grandfathers used to sow round in the gra.s.s when there were Indians about,-iron stars, each ray a rusty thorn an inch and a half long,-stick through moccasins into feet,-cripple 'em on the spot, and give 'em lockjaw in a day or two.

At the same time he let off one of those big words which lie at the bottom of the best man's vocabulary, but perhaps never turn up in his life,-just as every man's hair _may_ stand on end, but in most men it never does.

After he had got calm, he pulled out a sheet or two of ma.n.u.script, together with a smaller sc.r.a.p, on which, as he said, he had just been writing an introduction or prelude to the main performance. A certain suspicion had come into my mind that the Professor was not quite right, which was confirmed by the way he talked; but I let him begin. This is the way he read it:-

_Prelude_.

I'M the fellah that tole one day The tale of the won'erful one-hoss-shay.

Wan' to hear another? Say.

-Funny, wasn'it? Made _me_ laugh,- I'm too modest, I am, by half,- Made me laugh '_s though I sh'd split_,- Cahn' a fellah like fellah's own wit?- -Fellahs keep sayin',-"Well, now that's nice; Did it once, but cahn' do it twice."- Don' you b'lieve the'z no more fat; Lots in the kitch'n 'z good 'z that.

Fus'-rate throw, 'n' no mistake,- Han' us the props for another shake;- Know I'll try, 'n' guess I'll win; Here sh' goes for hit 'm ag'in!

Here I thought it necessary to interpose.-Professor,-I said,-you are inebriated. The style of what you call your "Prelude" shows that it was written under cerebral excitement. Your articulation is confused. You have told me three times in succession, in exactly the same words, that I was the only true friend you had in the world that you would unb.u.t.ton your heart to. You smell distinctly and decidedly of spirits.-I spoke, and paused; tender, but firm.

Two large tears...o...b..d themselves beneath the Professor's lids,-in obedience to the principle of gravitation celebrated in that delicious bit of bladdery bathos, "The very law that moulds a tear," with which the "Edinburgh Review" attempted to put down Master George Gordon when that young man was foolishly trying to make himself conspicuous.

One of these tears peeped over the edge of the lid until it lost its balance,-slid an inch and waited for reinforcements,-swelled again,-rolled down a little further,-stopped,-moved on,-and at last fell on the back of the Professor's hand. He held it up for me to look at, and lifted his eyes, brimful, till they met mine.

I couldn't stand it,-I always break down when folks cry in my face,-so I hugged him, and said he was a dear old boy, and asked him kindly what was the matter with him, and what made him smell so dreadfully strong of spirits.

Upset his alcohol lamp,-he said,-and spilt the alcohol on his legs. That was it.-But what had he been doing to get his head into such a state?-had he really committed an excess? What was the matter?-Then it came out that he had been taking chloroform to have a tooth out, which had left him in a very queer state, in which he had written the "Prelude" given above, and under the influence of which he evidently was still.

I took the ma.n.u.script from his hands and read the following continuation of the lines he had begun to read me, while he made up for two or three nights' lost sleep as he best might.

PARSON TURELL'S LEGACY: OR THE PRESIDENT'S OLD ARM-CHAIR.

A MATHEMATICAL STORY.

FACTS respecting an old arm-chair.

At Cambridge. Is kept in the College there.

Seems but little the worse for wear.

That's remarkable when I say It was old in President Holyoke's day.

(One of his boys, perhaps you know, Died, _at one hundred_, years ago.) _He_ took lodging for rain or s.h.i.+ne Under green bed-clothes in '69.

Know old Cambridge? Hope you do.- Born there? Don't say so! I was, too.

(Born in a house with a gambrel-roof,- Standing still, if you must have proof.- "Gambrel?-Gambrel?"-Let me beg You'll look at a horse's hinder leg,- First great angle above the hoof,- That's the gambrel; hence gambrel-roof.) -Nicest place that ever was seen,- Colleges red and Common green, Sidewalks brownish with trees between.

Sweetest spot beneath the skies When the canker-worms don't rise,- When the dust, that sometimes flies Into your mouth and ears and eyes.

In a quiet slumber lies, _Not_ in the shape of unbaked pies Such as barefoot children prize.