Something Else Again Part 10

Frequently and often When I fought the foe, How my heart would soften, Pitying your woe!

Still, throughout my yearning, It was my belief That my mere returning Would annul your grief.

Arguing _ex parte_, Maybe you can tell Why I find your heart A.

W. O. L.

"I Remember, I Remember"

I remember, I remember The house where I was born; The rent was thirty-two a month, Which made my father mourn.

He said he could remember when _His_ father paid the rent; And when a man's expenses did Not take his every cent.

I remember, I remember-- My mother telling my cousin That eggs had gone to twenty-six Or seven cents a dozen; And how she told my father that She didn't like to speak Of things like that, but Bridget now Demanded four a week.

I remember, I remember-- And with a mirthless laugh-- My weekly board at college took A jump to three and a half.

I bought an eighteen-dollar suit, And father told me, "Sonny, I'll pay the bill this time, but, Oh, I am not made of money!"

I remember, I remember, When I was young and brave And I declared, "Well, Birdie, we Shall now begin to save."

It was a childish ignorance, But now 'tis little joy To know I'm farther off from wealth Than when I was a boy.

The Higher Education

(Harvard's prestige in football is a leading factor. The best players in the big preparatory schools prefer to study at Cambridge, where they can earn fame on the gridiron. They do not care to be identified with Yale and Princeton.--JOE VILA in the _Evening Sun_.)

"Father," began the growing youth, "Your pleading finds me deaf; Although I know you speak the truth About the course at Shef.

But think you that I have no pride, To follow such a trail?

I cannot be identified With Princeton or with Yale."

"Father," began another lad, Emerging from his prep; "I know you are a Princeton grad, But the coaches have no pep.

But though the Princeton profs provide Fine courses to inhale; I cannot be identified With Princeton or with Yale."

"I know," he said, "that Learning helps A lot of growing chaps; That Yale has William Lyon Phelps, And Princeton Edward Capps.

But while, within the Football Guide, The Haughton hosts prevail, I cannot be identified With Princeton or with Yale."

War and Peace

"This war is a terrible thing," he said, "With its countless numbers of needless dead; A futile warfare it seems to me, Fought for no principle I can see.

Alas, that thousands of hearts should bleed For naught but a tyrant's boundless greed!"

Said the wholesale grocer, in righteous mood, As he went to adulterate salable food.

Spake as follows the merchant king: "Isn't this war a disgraceful thing?

Heartless, cruel, and useless, too; It doesn't seem that it _can_ be true.

Think of the misery, want, and fear!

We ought to be grateful we've no war here.

"Six a week"--to a girl--"That's flat!

I can get a thousand to work for that."

Fifty-Fifty

For something like eleven summers I've written things that aimed to teach Our careless mealy-mouthed mummers To be more sedulous of speech.

So sloppy of articulation So limping and so careless they About distinct enunciation, Often I don't know what they say.

The other night an able actor, Declaiming of some lines I heard, I hailed a public benefactor, As I distinguished every word.

But, oh! the subtle disappointment!

Thorn on the celebrated rose And fly within the well-known ointment!

(Allusions everybody knows.)

Came forth the words exact and snappy.

And as I sat there, that P.M., I mused, "Was I not just as happy When I could not distinguish them?"

"So s.h.i.+nes a Good Deed in a Naughty World"

There was a man in our town, and he was wondrous rich; He gave away his millions to the colleges and sich; And people cried: "The hypocrite! He ought to understand The ones who really need him are the children of this land."

When Andrew Croesus built a home for children who were sick, The people said they rather thought he did it as a trick, And writers said: "He thinks about the drooping girls and boys, But what about conditions with the men whom he employs?"

There was a man in our town who said that he would share His profits with his laborers, for that was only fair, And people said: "Oh, isn't he the shrewd and foxy gent?

It cost him next to nothing for that free advertis.e.m.e.nt."

There was a man in our town who had the perfect plan To do away with poverty and other ills of man, But he feared the public jeering, and the folks who would defame him, So he never told the plan he had, and I can hardly blame him.