The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Part 6

"I beseech you, Habinas, for I think you was there; he told me the intrigue between my mistress and me; that I had but ill luck at friends; that no one ever made me a return of my kindnesses: That I had large possessions, but nourished a viper in my bosom: Why should I not tell you all? I have by his account, thirty years, four months, and two days yet to live; and in a short time shall have another estate left me.

"Thus my fortune-teller. But if I can join my lands here to those in Apulia, I shall do well enough: in the mean, and while Mercury is my guardian, I have built this house: it was once you know, a pitiful cabin, but now as magnificent as a temple: it has four dining rooms, twenty bed-chambers two marble porticoes, a gallery above stairs, my own apartment, another for this viper; a very good porter's lodge, and the house capable of receiving a thousand guests: To be short, when ever Scaurus comes this way, he had rather lodge here than at his own house, tho' it lie to the seaward: and many other conveniences it has, which I'll shew you by and by. Believe me, he that has a penny in his purse, is worth a penny: Have and you shall be esteemed. And so your friend, once no better than a frog, is now a king.

"And now Stichus bring me the furniture in which I design to be carried to my funeral pile; bring also the unguent, and some of that pot, which I ordered for the cleansing my bones."

Stichus lingered not, but brought in a white coverlet, and robe of state, and pray'd us to try if they were not fine wooll, and well woven. "And see you Stichus," said Trimalchio smiling, "that neither mice nor moths come at them, for if they do I'll burn you alive. I will be brought out in pomp, that all the people may speak well of me."

With that opening a gla.s.s bottle of spicknard, he caused us all to be anointed; and "I hope," said he, "it will do as much good when I am dead, as it does while I am living": Then commanding the wine vessels to be filled again; "Fausie," said he, "you are invited to my funeral feast." We by this time nauseated, were ready to vomit; Trimalchio also was gotten confoundedly drunk, when behold, a new interlude; he called for the coronets to come in; and, underset with pillows, and stretching himself at length on the bed, "suppose me," said he, "now dead, say somewhat, I beseech you, in praise of me."

Whereupon the coronets sounded as it had been at a funeral; but one above the rest, a servant of that freed-man of Trimalchio's, that was best condition'd of 'em all, made such a thundring, that it rais'd the neighbourhood: On which the watch thinking the house was on fire, broke open the gate, and making an uproar after their manner, ran in with water and hatchets: When finding so fair an opportunity, we gave Agamemnon the slip, and scamper'd off, as if it had been a real fire.

PART TWO

Not a star appear'd to direct us in our way, nor would the dead of the night give us hopes of meeting a stranger that could; with these, the wine we had drank, and our ignorance of the place, even in the day time, conspir'd to mis-direct us. When we had wander'd almost an hour, with our feet all b.l.o.o.d.y, over sharp pebbles and broken hills of gravel, Gito's diligence at last deliver'd us: for the day before, fearing we might be at a loss, tho' we had the sun to our help, he had providently mark'd every post and pillar with a chalk, the greatest darkness was not able to obscure, by whose s.h.i.+neing whiteness we found our way. But we had as many fears after we got to an inn; for the hostess, having drank a little too long with her guests, had so intirely lost her senses, a burning could not have made her feel; that perhaps, we had been forc'd to have taken up our lodging in the street, if a letter-carrier that belong'd to Trimalchio, with ten carriages of his master's revenue, had not come in the mean time; who without much ado beat down the door, and let us in at the same gap.

After we enter'd the bed-chamber, having plentifully feasted; prest by impatient nature, I took my Gito aside; and wrapt in pleasures, spent the night.

Who can the charms of that blest night declare, How soft ye G.o.ds! our warm embraces were?

We hugg'd, we cling'd, and thro' each other's lips, Our souls, like meeting streams, together mixt; Farewell the world, and all its pageantry!

When I, a mortal! so begin to dye.

'Tis without reason I hug myself; Ascyltos, omnis iniuriae inventor, subduxit mihi nocte puerum et in lectum transtulit suum, volutatusque liberius c.u.m fratre non suo, sive non sentiente iniuriam sive dissimulante, indormivit alienis amplexibus oblitus iuris humani.

Itaque ego ut experrectus pertrectavi gaudio despoliatum torum. Si qua est amantibus fides, ego dubitavi, an utrumque traicerem gladio somnumque morti iungerem. Tutius dein secutus consilium Gitona quidem verberibus excitavi, and looking as sternly as I cou'd upon Ascyltos, thus address'd my self: "Since you've play'd the villain by your treachery, and breaking the common laws of friends.h.i.+p, pack up your matters quickly, and find another comrade to abuse."

Ascyltos consented; and, after we had made an exact division of our booty; "Now," says he, "let's share the boy too": I believ'd it a jest at parting, but, he with a murderous resolution, drew his sword; "nor shall you," added he, "think to ingross this prize, which should, like the rest, be common to us both. I must have my share, or with this sword will be content to take it." Upon which, on the other side, having twisted my gown under my arm, I made advances to ingage.

The unhappy boy rush'd between, and kissing both our knees, with tears, entreated that we would not expose our selves in a pitiful alehouse, nor with our blood pollute the rites of so dear a friends.h.i.+p: but, raising his voice, says he, "if there must be murder, behold my naked bosom, hither direct your fury: 'Tis I deserve death, who violated the sacred laws of friends.h.i.+p."

Upon which we sheath'd our swords; and first Ascyltos, "I'll," says he, "end the difference: Let the boy himself follow the man he likes, that, in chusing a friend, at least, he may have an unquestion'd liberty."

I, that presum'd so long an acquaintance, had made no slight impressions on his nature, was so far from fearing, that with an eager haste I accepted the proffer, and to the judge committed the dispute: Gito, that he might not seem to consider, at my consent jump'd up, and chose Ascyltos.

I, like one thunderstruck, at the sentence, void of defence, fell upon the bed, and had not surviv'd the loss, if envy of my rival had not stopp'd my sword.

Ascyltos, proud of the conquest, goes off with the prize, leaving me expos'd in a strange place, that before he caress'd as a friend and sharer of his fortune:

'Tis in the world, as in a game of chess; We serve our friends but where our profit is.

When fortune smiles, we're yours, and yours alone; But when she frowns, the servile herd are gone.

So, in a play, they act with mimick art, Father, or son, or griping miser's part: But when at last the comic scenes are o'er, They quit the visards they a.s.sum'd before.

Nor did I there very long complain, for fearing one Menelaus, an usher of a school, might, among other misfortunes, find me alone in the inn, I made up my wallet, and, very pensive, took me a lodging in a private place near the sea: there, after I had been mewd up for three days, reflecting afresh on my despis'd and abject condition, I beat my breast, as sick as it was; and, when my deep sighs would suffer me, often cry'd out; "Why has not the earth burst open, and swallow'd me?

Why has not the sea o'erwhelm'd me that respects not even the innocent themselves? Have I been a murderer? when I had violated Lycas's wife, have I fled justice? have I escap'd even when I was condemn'd to dye, to live in a strange place, to have my name recorded only among beggars and vagabonds? and who condemn'd me to this solitude?--A boy!

One who is a prost.i.tute to all manner of l.u.s.t; and by his own confession deserves to dye; whom vice has en.o.bl'd from a slave; who was publickly contracted with as a girl, by one that knew he was of the other s.e.x: and what a wretch is that other, ye G.o.ds! whom, when he might have writ man, his mother perswaded even out of his s.e.x, and putting on petty-coats, was condemn'd to a maids office in a prison: who, after he had spent what he had, and chang'd the scene of his l.u.s.t; having contracted an old friends.h.i.+p, basely left it; and, frontless impudence! like a hot wh.o.r.e, for one night's pleasure, sold his friend. Now the lovers lye whole nights lockt in each other's arms, and who knows but in those intervals they recruit their weary'd strength, may laugh at me: but they shan't go off so, for if I'm a man, or a free-born one at least, I'll make their blood compensate the injury."

Having thus said I girt on my sword; and lest I shou'd be too weak to maintain the war, encourag'd my self with a l.u.s.ty meal, and making out of doors, like one possesst, search'd every place: but whilst, with a wild distracted countenance, I thought of nothing but blood and slaughter; and oft with execrations laying my hand on my sword, a souldier, perhaps some cheat or padder, observ'd me, and making up to me, askt to what regiment or company I, his brother souldier, belong'd? when, with a good a.s.surance, I had cheated him into a belief of the regiment and company; well, but friend, said he, looking down, doe the souldiers of your company walk in such shoes? I began to look guilty, and by my trembling discover'd the lye I had told him: upon which he made me lay down my arms, and bid me take care of the worst.

Thus stript, nay and thus rob'd of my revenge, I return'd to my lodging, where by degrees my fears abating, I began in my mind to thank the robber.

But finding it difficult to wean my self from the love of revenge, I spent half the night very pensively; and rising by day-break, to ease me of my grief, and thoughts of my injury, I rov'd about every where, till at last going in to a publick gallery, very wonderful for several sorts of excellent painting; I saw some by Zeuxy's hand, that had not yet yielded to the injuries of time: And, not without an awful reverence, behold others by Protogenes, which tho' they were first tryals, yet disputed for exactness, even with nature it self: but on the other side viewing a celebrated piece drawn by Apelles; I even ador'd the work of so great a master: 'twas so correctly finisht to the life, you'd have sworn it an image of the soul too. One side gave the story of the eagle bearing Jupiter to heaven, the other the fair Hylas repelling the addresses of the lew'd naiad: in another part was Apollo, angry at himself for killing his boy Hyacinth; and, to shew his love, crown'd his harp with the flower that sprung from his blood.

In this gallery, as in a vision of living images, I cry'd out; and are not the G.o.ds themselves secure from love? Jupiter in his seraglio above, not finding one that can please his appet.i.te, sins upon earth, yet injures n.o.body: the nymph wou'd have stifl'd her pa.s.sion for Hylas, had she believ'd the l.u.s.ty Hercules wou'd have been his rival: Apollo turns Hyacinth into a flower: and every image enjoy'd its wishes without a rival: but I have caress'd, as the dearest friend, the greatest villain.

While I was thus talking to my self, there enter'd the gallery an old man, with a face as pale as age had made his hair; and seem'd, I know not how, to bring with him the air of a great soul; but viewing his habit, I was easily confirm'd in my opinion, since fortune seldom deals favourably with learned men. In short, he made up to me, and addressing himself, told me he was a poet; and, as he hop'd, above the common herd: if, added he, my merrit don't suffer by applause that's promiscuously given, to the good and bad.

Why, therefore, interrupted I, are you so meanly clad? On this account return'd he, because learning never made any man rich.

The merchant's profit well rewards his toil: The souldier crowns his labours with the spoil: To servile flattery we altars raise: And the kind wife her stallion ever pays: But starving wit in rags takes barren pain: And, dying, seeks the muses aid in vain.

"'Tis certain," added he, "that a lover of virtue, on account of his singularity, meets with contempt; for who can approve what differs from himself? And that those who admire riches, wou'd fain possess every body, that nothing is more reasonable than their opinion; whence they ridicule, as well as they can, the learned few; that they, like themselves, might seem within the power of money."

"I don't know, how learning and poverty became relations," said I, and sigh'd: "You justly lament," return'd he, "the condition of scholars."

"You mistake me," said I, "that's not the occasion of my sighs, there's another and much greater cause:" And, as all men are naturally inclin'd to communicate their grief; I laid open my case to him, beginning with Ascyltos's treachery, which I aggravated; and, with repeated sighs, often wisht his injustice to me might have deserv'd pardon: but that now he was a staunch villain, and in l.u.s.t more subtle than the bawds themselves.

The old man, seeing me sincere, began to comfort me; and the better to effect it, told me what formerly had happen'd to himself on the like occasion.

"In Asiam c.u.m a quaestore essem stipendio eductus, hospitium Pergami accepi. Ubi c.u.m libenter habitarem non solum propter cultum aedicularum, sed etiam propter hospitis formosissimum filium, excogitavi rationem, qua non essem patri familiae suspectus amator.

Quotiescunque enim in convivio de usu formosorum mentio facta est, tam vehementer excandui, tam severa trist.i.tia violari aures meas obsceno sermone nolui, ut me mater praecipue tanquam unum ex philosophis intueretur. Iam ego coeperam epheb.u.m in gymnasium deducere, ego studia eius ordinare, ego docere ac praecipere, ne quis praedator corporis admitteretur in domum. . . .

"Forte c.u.m in triclinio iaceremus, quia dies sollemnis ludum artaverat pigritiamque recedendi imposuerat hilaritas longior, fere circa mediam noctem intellexi puerum vigilare. Itaque timidissimo murmure votum feci et 'domina' inquam 'Venus, si ego hunc puerum basiavero, ita ut ille non sensiat, cras illi par columbarum donabo.' Audito voluptatis pretio puer stertere coepit. Itaque aggressus simulantem aliquot basiolis invasi. Contentus hoc principio bene mane surrexi electumque par columbarum attuli expectanti ac me voto exsolvi.

"Proxima nocte c.u.m idem liceret, mutavi optionem et 'si hunc' inquam 'tractavero improba manu, et ille non senserit, gallos gallinaceos pugnacissimos duos donabo patienti.' Ad hoc votum ephebus ultro se admovit et, puto, vereri coepit, ne ego obdormiscerem. Indulsi ergo sollicito, totoque corpore citra summam voluptatem nne ingurgitavi.

Deinde ut dies venit, attuli gaudenti quicquid promiseram. Ut tertia nox licentiam dedit, consurrexi . . . ad aurem male dormientis 'dii'

inquam 'immortales, si ego huic dormienti abstulero coitum plenum et optabilem, pro hac felicitate cras puero asturconem. Macedonic.u.m optimum donabo, c.u.m hac tamen exceptione, si ille non senserit.'

Nunquam altiore somno ephebus obdormivit. Itaque primum implevi lacentibus papillis ma.n.u.s, mox basio inhaesi, deinde in unum omnia vota coniunxi. Mane sedere in cubiculo coepit atque expectare consuetudinem meam. Scis quanto facilius sit, columbas gallosque gallinaceos emere quam asturconem, et praeter hoc etiam timebam, ne tam grande munus suspectam faceret humanitatem meam. Ego aliquot horis spatiatus in hospitium reverti nihilque aliud quam puerum basiavi. At ille circ.u.mspiciens ut cervicem meam iunxit amplexu, 'rogo' inquit 'domine, ubi est asturco?'

"c.u.m ob hanc offensam praeclusissem mihi aditum, quem feceram, iterum ad licentiam redii. Interpositis enim paucis diebus, c.u.m similis casus nos in eandem fortunam rettulisset, ut intellexi stertere patrem, rogare coepi epheb.u.m, ut reverteretur in gratiam mec.u.m, id est ut pateretur satis fieri sibi, et cetera quae libido distenta dictat.

At ille plane iratus nihil aliud dicebat nisi hoc: 'aut dormi, aut ego iam dicam patri.' Nihil est tam arduum, quod non improbitas extorqueat. Dum dicit: 'patrem excitabo,' irrepsi tamen et male repugnanti gaudium extorsi. At ille non indelectatus nequitia mea, postquam diu questus est deceptum se et derisum traductumque inter condiscipulos, quibus iacta.s.set censum meum, 'videris tamen' inquit 'non ero tui similis. Si quid vis, fac iterum.' Ego vero deposita omni offensa c.u.m puero in gratiam redii ususque beneficio eius in somnum delapsus sum. Sed non fuit contentus iteratione ephebus planae maturitatis et annis ad patiendum gestientibus. Itaque excitavit me sopitum et 'numquid vis?' inquit. Et non plane iam molestum erat munus. Utcunque igitur inter anhelitus sudoresque tritus, quod voluerat, accepit, rursusque in somnum decidi gaudio la.s.sus.

Interposita minus hora pungere me manu coepit et dicere: 'quare non facimus?' tum ego totiens excitatus plane vehementer excandui et reddidi illi voces suas: 'aut dormi, aut ego iam patri dicam.'"

This discourse diverting my grief, I began to question the old gentleman about the antiquity of some pieces, the stories of others I was not acquainted with, the reason why this age don't come up to the former, and why the most excellent arts are lost, of which painting has not left the least sign of its being? "Our love of riches,"

reply'd he, "has been the only occasion: for in old time, when virtue was admir'd for its own sake, all liberal arts flourisht, and the only emulation among men, was to make discoveries that might profit the age. 'Twas in those times Democritus, content with poverty, found out the vertue of most herbs; and lest there might be any hidden excellence in stones and trees, spent the rest of his life in experiments about them: 'Twas then Eudoxus abandon'd the world, to live on the top of a high mountain, to discover the motions of the heavens and Crisippus, the better to qualify his mind for invention, went thrice through a course of physick.

"But to return to imagery, Lysippus with that diligence imploy'd himself about one statue, that, neglecting his living, he dyed, for want: and Myron, whose brazen images of men and beasts, you might have mistaken for living ones, dy'd very poor: but our age is so wholly devoted to drinking and whoring, we're so far from inventing, that we don't acquaint our selves even with those arts that are found to our hands: But, accusing antiquity, our schools become seminaries of vice only: what's our logick? How little do we know of astronomy? Where's our philosopher? What master of eloquence could indure to hear it so murdred in a pulpit? What wise man cou'd suffer the noise? Our business in the temple is not to inform our minds, or correct our lives; but as soon as we enter the place, one out of love to his friend, being made his heir, promises a sacrifice to the G.o.ds, if they'd please to take him out of this troublesome world; another, if they'd direct him to a treasure: the like a third promises if they'd make him happy in a small estate of 300l. per an. or so: The very Senate that shou'd show an exemplary conduct, in occasions of doubtful events, have devoted mighty sums of gold to religious uses: And who wou'd not but admire, that, he is perswaded hath charms enough to make the G.o.ds themselves comply! You need not wonder why painting is lost, when gold appears more beautiful both to G.o.ds and men, than any thing Apelles or Phidias are now esteem'd madly to have spent their time about: But seeing your curiosity is wholly taken up with that piece, that shews you a contracted history of the Siege of Troy: I'll try to give you the story more at large in verse.

"Now Troy had felt a siege of ten long years, Concern and sorrow in each face appears: The Grecian prophet too, with terrour fill'd, What fate decree'd, but doubtfully reveal'd: When thus Apollo---- From the proud top of Ida's rising hill A lofty pile of mighty cedars fell, Whose trunks into a dreadful fabrick force, And, let it bear the figure of a horse: The s.p.a.cious hollows, of whose mountain-womb, The choice and flower of your troops entomb.

The Greeks, enrag'd to be so long repell'd, With their chief troops the beasts vast bowel's fill'd, And thus their arms and all their hopes conceal'd.

Strange was the fate the rul'd unhappy Troy, Who thought them gone, and lasting peace t'enjoy, So the inscription of the machine said, And treacherous Synon, for their ruin made.

All from their arms at once, and troubles run To view the horse, and left th' unguarded town So over-joy'd they wept: Thus even fears When joy surprizes, melt away in tears.

Enrag'd Laoc.o.o.n, with prophetick beat, Prest thro' the crowd, that on his humour wait; And with a javelin pierc'd the fatal horse, But fate r.e.t.a.r.ds the blow, and stopt its force: The spear jumpt back upon the priest, so nigh, It gave new credit to the treachery.

Yet to confirm how weak was the attempt 'Gainst what the G.o.ds will have, his javelin sent, Resum'd with double fury, thro' his side, And the large concave of the machine try'd: When from within the captive Grecians roar; And the beast trembles with another's fear.

Yet to the town the present they convey, Thus a new stragem does Troy betray; While to the taken, she becomes a prey.

But other monsters there enform our eyes, What mighty seas from Teuedos arise!

The frighted Neptune seems to seek the sh.o.r.e, With such a noise, with such a dreadful roar: As in a silent night, when, from afar, The dismal sound of wrecks invades the ear: When rolling on the waves two mighty snakes, Unhappy Troy descry'd; whose circling stroaks, Had drove the swelling surges on the rocks.

Like lofty s.h.i.+ps they on the billows ride, And with rais'd b.r.e.a.s.t.s the foaming flood divide: Their crests they brandish and red eye-b.a.l.l.s raise, That all around dispence a sulphurous blaze.

To sh.o.r.e advancing, now the waves appear All fire; unwonted ratlings fill the air.