Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas - LightNovelsOnl.com
You're reading novel online at LightNovelsOnl.com. Please use the follow button to get notifications about your favorite novels and its latest chapters so you can come back anytime and won't miss anything.
_Enter the_ Wicked Uncle, _stealthily_.
_The W. U._ No peace of mind I e'er shall know again Till I have cooked the geese of Tom and Jane!
But--though a naughty--I'm a nervous nunky, For downright felonies I'm far too funky!
I'd hire a.s.sa.s.sins--but of late the villains Have raised their usual fee to fifteen s.h.i.+llin's!
Nor, to reduce their rates, will they engage (_Sympathetically_) For two poor orphans who are under age!
So (as I'd give no more than half a guinea) I must myself get rid of Tom and Jenny.
Yet, like an old soft-hearted fool, I falter, And can't make up my mind to risk a halter.
(_Looking off._) Ha, in the distance, Jane and little Tom I see!
These berries--(_meditatively_)--why, it only needs diplomacy.
Ho-ho, a most ingenious experiment!
[_Indulges in silent and sinister mirth, as_ Jane _and_ Tom _trip in, and regard him with innocent wonder._
_Jane._ Uncle, what _is_ the joke? Why all this merriment?
_The W. U._ (_in guilty confusion_). Not merriment, my loves--a trifling spasm-- Don't be alarmed--your Uncle often has 'em!
I'm feeling better than I did at first-- _You're_ looking flushed, though not, I hope, with thirst?
[_Insidiously._
_Song, by the_ Wicked Uncle.
The sun is scorching overhead; The roads are dry and dusty; And here are berries, ripe and red, Refres.h.i.+ng when you're _thusty_!
They're hanging just within your reach, Inviting you to clutch them!
But--as your Uncle--I beseech You won't attempt to touch them?
_Tommy and Jane_ (_dutifully_). We'll do whatever you beseech, and not attempt to touch them!
[_Annoyance of_ W. U.
_The W. U._ Temptation (so I've understood) A child, in order kept, shuns; And fruit in lanes is seldom good (With several exceptions).
However freely you partake, It can't--as you are young--kill, But should it cause a stomach-ache-- Well, don't you blame your Uncle!
_Tommy and Jane._ No, should it cause a stomach-ache, we will not blame our Uncle!
_The W. U._ (_aside_). They'll need no further personal a.s.sistance, But take the bait when I am at a distance.
I could not, were I paid a thousand ducats, (_With sentiment_) Stand by, and see them kick their little buckets, Or look on while their sticks this pretty pair cut!
[_Stealing off._
_Tommy._ What, Uncle, going?
_The W. U._ (_with a.s.sumed jauntiness_). Just to get my hair cut! [_Goes._
_Tommy_ (_looking wistfully at the berries_). I say, they _do_ look nice, Jane, such a lot too!
_Jane_ (_demurely_). Well, Tommy, Uncle never told us _not_ to.
[_Slow music; they gradually approach the berries, which they pick and eat with increasing relish, culminating in a dance of delight._
_Duet_--TOMMY _and_ JANE (_with step-dance_).
_Tommy_ (_dancing, with his mouth full_). These berries ain't so bad--although they've far too much acidity.
_Jane_ (_ditto_). To me, their only drawback is a dash of insipidity.
_Tommy_ (_rudely_). But, all the same, you're wolfing 'em with wonderful avidity!
_Jane_ (_indignantly_). No, _that_ I'm not, so _there_ now!
_Tommy_ (_calmly_). But you _are_!
_Jane._ And so are _you_!
[_They retire up, dancing, and eat more berries--after which they gaze thoughtfully at each other._
_Jane._ This fruit is most refres.h.i.+ng--but it's curious how it cloys on you!
_Tommy_ (_with anxiety_). I wonder why all appet.i.te for dinner it destroys in you!
_Jane._ Oh, Tommy, aren't you half afraid you've ate enough to poison you?
_Tommy._ No, _that_ I'm not--so there now! &c., &c.
[_They dance as before._
_Tommy._ Jane, _is_ your palate parching up in horrible aridity?
_Jane._ It is, and in my throat's a lump of singular solidity.
_Tommy._ Then that is why you're dancing with such pokerlike rigidity.
[_Refrain as before; they dance with decreasing spirit, and finally stop, and fan one another with their hats._
_Jane._ I'm better now that on my brow there is a little breeziness.
_Tommy._ My pa.s.sing qualm is growing calm, and tightness turns to easiness.
_Jane._ You seem to me tormented by a tendency to queasiness?
[_Refrain; they attempt to continue the dance--but suddenly sit down side by side._
_Jane_ (_with a gasp_). I don't know what it is--but, oh, I _do_ feel so peculiar!
_Tommy_ (_with a gulp_). I've tumults taking place within that I may say unruly are.
_Jane._ Why, Tommy, you are turning green--you really and you _truly_ are!
