The New Pun Book Part 2

"Yes, but he took advantage of his official position to effect it."

"How was that?"

"Why, he is chairman of the board of public works and he advertised for proposals."

"Are your folks well to do?"

"No. They're hard to do."

"If you should die, what would you do with your body?"

"I don't know."

"I'd sell mine to a medical student."

"Then you'd be giving yourself dead away."

"I was at the track to-day, Percy, and there was a horse down there with the itch. He came up to the post, and they scratched him."

HE--"Yes, she is living under an a.s.sumed name."

SHE--"Horrible! What is it?"

HE--"The one she a.s.sumed immediately after her husband married her!"

BIGGS--"I hear the jail was afire this morning?"

BAGGS--"Naw; it was only a sell."

Love they say is blind. Well: if so marriage must be an eye-opener.

"It doesn't do any good to scold the janitor about our cold rooms."

"Yes, it does. I get all warmed up when I talk to him."

"This liver is awful, Maud," said Mr. Newwed.

"I'm very sorry," returned the bride, "I'll tell the cook to speak to the livery-man about it."

"Who was the first one that came from the ark when it landed."

"Noah."

"You are wrong. Don't the good book tell us that Noah came forth?

So there must have been three ahead of him."

RAILWAY CLERK--Another accident on the road to-day, sir.

MANAGER--Indeed; What now?

CLERK--Man dislocated his neck trying to read our new time table.

"I got your fare, didn't I?" asked the conductor.

"I believe not," the facetious pa.s.senger replied. "I think I saw you ring it up."

ISAACS--Undt suppose dey did send us a message from Mars, how could dey tell if we got it?

COHEN--Vell, dey mighd send it gollect undt see if ve paid for it.