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"Irish stew," said the restaurant guest.
"Faith, I am Irish, tew," said the waiter.
Comstock shuddered the other evening when a lady asked him if he cared for undressed kids.
MRS. TILFORD OF SOROSIS--"It must have taken Daniel Webster a long time to compile the dictionary; don't you think so?"
TILFORD--"Daniel? You mean Noah, don't you?"
MRS. TILFORD (tartly)--"Now don't be silly. Noah built the ark."
"Is your friend the dentist a society chap?"
"Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings."
"Did you know that Xanthippe, wife of one of the greatest of ancient philosophers, was a great scold?"
"Certainly; but just think what a great tease her husband was."
"A great tease?"
"Yes; Socrates."
The pugilist boxes his man before he lays him out. The undertaker lays out his man before he boxes him.
An old-maid being at a loss for a pin-cus.h.i.+on, made use of an onion for the purpose. On the following morning she found all the needles had tears in their eyes.
BROWN--Up at Hagenbeck's show there is a large bear that hugs a woman without killing her.
JONES--That's nothing. I've often seen a lobster do that.
"Why do you call him 'Mr. Gimlet?' That isn't his name."
"I know. But he's such a bore!"
AMERICAN--"You have noticed, I suppose, that the balance of trade, so far as your country and ours are concerned, is still in our favor?"
ENGLISHMAN--"Nothing of the sort, sir. We exchange a worn-out t.i.tle for a beautiful American heiress almost every day in the year."
HUSBAND--"I am going to buy two little children."
WIFE--"Where in the world can you buy them?"
HUSBAND--"Down at the department store."
WIFE--"Who put such nonsense into your head?"
HUSBAND--"I saw a big sign in their window to-day, 'Ladies and gents' undressed kids for a dollar.'"
"Your father has a strong box at home, hasn't he, Willie," said the teacher.
"Yes'm," replied Willie; "the one he keeps the limburger in."
"This wireless telegraphy reminds me of a groundless quarrel."
"What possible connection is there between the two?"
"It's practically having words over nothing."
