A Learned Dissertation on Dumpling (1726) Part 4

To be short, my Friend had the worst of it, being kept to hard Writing, without Drinking (Churls that they were) about three Hours; in which Time the Dissertation was finished, that is to say, from Page 1. to Page 25. the rest might probably be done at some other leisure Time, to fill up the c.h.i.n.ks, but of that he knows nothing; sufficient is it that the D----n was the Author. Proceed we now to the other Discoveries, by drawing the Veil from before the Book it self.

[Decoration]

A K E Y

to the DISSERTATION

on _DUMPLING_.

I Shall begin with his Motto, which says, _What is better than a Pudding?_ The Body owns its Power, the Mind, its Delicacy; it will give Youth to grey Hairs, and Life to the most Desponding: Therefore are Pudding Eaters of great Use in State Affairs.

This Quotation is of a Piece with his Motto to the Tale of a Tub, and other Writings; altogether Fict.i.tious and Drole: he adds to the Jest, by putting an Air of Authority or genuine Quotation from some great Author; when alas! the whole is mere Farce and Invention.

The Dedication is one continued Sneer upon Authors, and their Patrons, and seems to carry a Glance of Derision towards Men of Quality in General; by setting a Cook above them, as a more useful Member in a body Politick. Some will have this _Braund_, to be Sir ****, others Sir ****, others Sir ****; but I take it to be more Railery than Mystery, and that Mr.

_Braund_, at the _Rummer_ in _Queen-street_, is the Person; who having pleas'd the Author in two or three Entertainments, he, with a View truly _Epicurean_, const.i.tutes him his _Maecenas_; as being more agreeable to him than a whole Circle of Stars and Garters, of what Colour or Denomination soever.

In his Tale of a Tub, he has a fling at Dependance, and Attendance, where he talks of a Body worn out with Poxes ill cured, and Shooes with Dependance, and Attendance. Not having the Book by me, I am forced to quote at Random, but I hope the courteous Reader will bear me out. He complains of it again in this Treatise, and makes a Complement to Mr. _Austin_, Mr.

_Braund_'s late Servant; who keeps the _Braund_'s Head in _New Bond-street_, near _Hanover-Square_; a House of great Elegance, and where he used frequently to dine.

The Distinction of _Brand_, _Braund_, and _Barnes_, is a Banter on Criticks, and Genealogists, who make such a Pother about the Orthography of Names and Things, that many Times, three Parts in four of a Folio Treatise, is taken up in ascertaining the Propriety of a Syllable, by which Means the Reader is left undetermined; having nothing but the various Readings on a single Word, and that probably, of small Importance.

I heartily wish some of these Glossographists would oblige the World with a Folio Treatise or two, on the Word Rabbet: We shall then know whether it is to be spelt with an _e_, or an _i_. For, to the Shame of the _English_ Tongue and this learned Age, our most eminent Physicians, Surgeons, Anatomists and Men Midwives, have all been to seek in this Affair.

St. _Andre_, } _Howard_, } Spell it _Braithwaite_, } with _Ahlers_ and } an _e_.

_Manningham_, }

_Douglas_ } and the } Spell it Gentleman who } with calls himself } an _i_.

_Gulliver_, }

And some of these great Wits, have such short Memories, that they spell it both Ways in one and the same Page.

The Master-Key to this Mystery, is the Explanation of its Terms; for Example, by _Dumpling_ is meant a Place, or any other Reward or Encouragement.

A _Pudding_ signifies a P----t, and sometimes a C----tee. A _Dumpling Eater_, is a Dependant on the Court, or, in a Word, any one who will rather pocket an Affront than be angry at a Tip in Time. A _Cook_ is a Minister of State. The _Epicurean_ and _Peripatetic_ Sects, are the two Parties of _Whigg_ and _Tory_, who both are greedy enough of Dumpling.

The Author cannot forbear his old Sneer upon Foreigners, but says, in his 1st Page, "That finding it a Land of Plenty, they wisely resolved never to go home again," and in his 2d, "Nay, so zealous are they in the Cause of _Bacchus_, that one of the Chief among them, made a Vow never to say his Prayers till he has a Tavern of his own in every Street in _London_, and in every Market-Town in _England_:" If he does not mean Sir J---- T---- I know not who he means.

By the Invention of _Eggs_, Page 4. is meant Perquisites. "He cannot conclude a Paragraph in his 5th _Page_, without owning he received that important Part of the History of Pudding, from old Mr.

_Lawrence_ of _Wilsden Green_, the greatest Antiquary of the present Age."

This old _Lawrence_ is a great Favourite of the D--s; he is a facetious farmer, of above eighty Years of Age, now living at _Wilsden Green_, near _Kilburn_ in _Middles.e.x_, the most rural Place I ever saw: exactly like the Wilds of _Ireland_. It was here the D--n often retired _incog._ to amuse himself with the Simplicity of the Place and People; where he got together all that Rigmayroll of Childrens talk, which composes his _Namby Pamby_. Old _Lawrence_ told me, the D--n has sate several Hours together to see the Children play, with the greatest Pleasure in Life: The rest he learned from the old Nurses thereabouts, of which there are a great many, with whom he would go and smoke a Pipe frequently, and cordially; not in his Clergyman's Habit, but in a black Suit of Cloth Clothes, and without a Rose in his Hat: Which made them conclude him to be a Presbyterian Parson.

This Mention of old _Lawrence_, is in Ridicule to a certain great Artist, who wrote a Treatise upon the Word _Connoisseur_ (or a Knower) and confesses himself to have been many Years at a loss for a Word to express the Action of Knowing, till the great Mr.

_Prior_ gave him Ease, by furnis.h.i.+ng him with the Word _Connoissance_. Our D--n had drawn a Drole, Parallel to this, _viz._ _Boudineur_, a Pudding Pyeman; and _Boudinance_, the making of Pudding Pies: But several Men of Quality begging it off, it was, at their Request, scratch'd out, but my Friend, the _Amanuensis_, remembers particularly its being originally inserted.

If the Reader should ask, Who is that K-- _John_ mentioned in the fourth Page, and which I ought to have taken in its Place. I beg leave to inform him, that by K. _John_ is meant the late Q. ----, with whom the D-- of _M----_ was many Years in such great Favour, that he was nick named K. _John_; it was in that Part of the Q--'s Reign, that Sir _John_ Pudding, by whom is meant **** _you know who_, came in Favour; it is true, the Name is odd, and seems to carry an Air of Ridicule with it, but the Character given him by this allegorical Writer, is that of an able Statesman, and an honest Man.

And here, begging Mr. D--n's Pardon, I cannot but think his Wit has out run his Judgment; for he puts the Cart before the Horse, and begins at the latter Part of Sir **** Administration: But this might be owing to too plentiful a Dinner, and too much of the Creature. Be that as it will, I must follow my Copy, and explain it as it lies. Proceed we therefore to the Dissertation, _Page 6._

"But what rais'd our Hero most in the Esteem of this Pudding-eating Monarch, was his second Edition of Pudding, he being the first that ever invented the Art of broiling Puddings, which he did to such Perfection, and so much to the King's liking (who had a mortal Aversion to cold Pudding) that he thereupon inst.i.tuted him Knight of the Gridiron, and gave him a Gridiron of Gold, the Ensign of that Order; which he always wore as a Mark of his Sovereign's Favour."

If this does not mean the late Revival of an ancient Order of Knighthood, I never will unriddle Mystery more: To prove which, we need but cross over to the next Page, where he tells us, "Sir _John_ had always a Squire, who followed him, bearing a huge Pair of Spectacles to saddle his Honour's Nose." _Diss.

Page 7._

After this, he very severely runs upon those would-be Statesmen, who put themselves in Compet.i.tion with his Favourite, Sir ****, with whom he became exceeding intimate, and almost inseperable, all the Time he was in _England_.

The Story of the Kit Cat Club, _d.i.c.k Estcourt_, and _Jacob Tonson_, is a mere Digression; and nothing more to the Purpose, than that we may imagine it came uppermost. He returns to his Subject in his 9th _Page_.

"Now it was Sir _John_'s Method, every _Sunday_ Morning, to give the Courtiers a Breakfast; which Breakfast was every Man his Dumpling, and Cup of Wine: For you must know, he was Yeoman of the Wine-Cellar at the same Time."

The Breakfast is Sir *** Levee, the Yeomans.h.i.+p of the Wine-Cellar, is the ***.

The Author of the Dissertation, is a very bad Chronologist; for at _Page_ 10. we are obliged to go back to the former Reign, where we shall find the lubberly Abbots (_i.e._) the High Church Priests, misrepresenting Sir _John_'s Actions, and never let the Q---- alone, till poor Sir _John_ was discarded.

"This was a great Eye-sore, and Heart-burning to some lubberly Abbots, who lounged about the Court; they took it in great Dudgeon they were not invited, and stuck so close to his Skirts, that they never rested till they outed him. They told the King, who was naturally very hasty, that Sir _John_, made-away with his Wine, and feasted his _Paramours_ at his Expence; and not only so, but they were forming a Design against his Life, which they in Conscience ought to discover: That Sir _John_ was not only an Heretic, but an Heathen; nay, worse, they fear'd he was a Witch, and that he had bewitch'd his Majesty into that unaccountable Fondness for a _Pudding-Maker_. They a.s.sured the King, that on a _Sunday_ Morning, instead of being at Mattins, he and his Trigrimates got together hum jum, all snug, and perform'd many h.e.l.lish and diabolical Ceremonies. In short, they made the King believe that the Moon was made of Green-Cheese: And to shew how the Innocent may be bely'd, and the best Intentions misrepresented, they told the King, That he and his a.s.sociates offered Sacrifices to _Ceres_: When, alas, it was only the Dumplings they eat.

"The b.u.t.ter which was melted and poured over them, these vile Miscreants, called _Libations_: And the friendly Compotations of our Dumpling Eaters, were called _Baccha.n.a.lian Rites_. Two or three among them being sweet tooth'd, would strew a little Sugar over their Dumplings; this was represented as an _Heathenish Offering_. In short, not one Action of theirs, but which these rascally Abbots made criminal, and never let the King alone till Sir _John_ was discarded; not but the King did it with the greatest Reluctance; but they made it a religious Concern, and he could not get off on't." _Diss. pag._ 10.

All the World knows that the _Tory_ Ministry got uppermost, for the four last Years of the Queen's Reign, and by their unaccountable Management, teaz'd that good Lady out of her Life: Which occasion'd the D--n in his eleventh Page to say; "Then too late he saw his Error; then he lamented the Loss of Sir _John_; and in his latest Moments, would cry out, Oh!

that I had never parted from my dear _Jack-Pudding_!

Would I had never left off Pudding and Dumpling! then I had never been thus basely poison'd! never thus treacherously sent out of the World!----Thus did this good King lament: But alas! to no purpose, the Priest had given him his Bane, and Complaints were ineffectual."

This alludes to Sir **** Imprisonment and Disgrace in the Year ---- Nay, so barefaced is the D--n in his Allegory, that he tells us, in his 12th Page, _Norfolk_ was his Asylum. This is as plain as the Nose on a Man's Face! The subsequent Pages are an exact Description of the Ingrat.i.tude of Courtiers; and his Fable of the _Court Pudding_, Page 13. is the best Part of the whole Dissertation.

One would imagine the D--n had been at Sea, by his writing Catharping-Fas.h.i.+on, and dodging the Story sometimes Twenty-Years backwards, at other Times advancing as many; so that one knows not where to have him: for in his fifteenth Page, he returns to the present Scene of Action, and brings his Hero into the Favour of K---- _Harry_, _alias_ **** who being sensible of his Abilities, restores him into Favour, and makes Use of his admirable Skill in Cookery, _alias_ State Affairs.

"Not one of the King's Cooks could make a Pudding like Sir _John_; nay, though he made a Pudding before their Eyes, yet they, out of the very same Materials, could not do the like: Which made his old Friends, the Monks, attribute it to Witchcraft and it was currently reported the Devil was his Helper. But good King _Harry_ was not to be fobb'd off so; the Pudding was good, it sat very well on his Stomach, and he eat very savourly, without the least Remorse of Conscience."

_Diss. Page_ 15.

This seems to hint at the Opposition Sir **** met with from the contrary Party, and how sensible the K---- was, that they were all unable to hold the Staff in Compet.i.tion with him.

After this the D--n runs into a whimsical Description of his Heroes personal Virtues; but draws the Picture too much _Alla Carraccatura_, and is, in my Opinion, not only a little too familiar, but wide of his Subject. For begging his Deans.h.i.+p's Pardon, he mightily betrays his Judgment, when he says, Sir _John_ was no very great Scholar, whereas all Men of Learning allow him to be a most excellent one; but as we may suppose he grew pretty warm by this Time with the Booksellers Wine, he got into his old Knack of Raillery, and begins to run upon all Mankind: In this Mood he falls upon _C---- J----n_, and Sir _R---- Bl----re_, a pair of twin Poets, who suck'd one and the same Muse. After this he has a Fling at _Handel_, _Bononcini_ and _Attilio_, the Opera Composers; and a severe Sneer on the late High-Church Idol, _Sacheverel_. As for _Cluer_, the Printer, any Body that knows Music, or _Bow Church Yard_, needs no farther Information.

And now he proceeds to a Digression, which is indeed the Dissertation it self; proving all Arts and Sciences to owe their Origin and Existence to _Pudding_ and _Dumpling_ (_i.e._) Encouragement. His _Hiatus_ in the 20th Page, I could, but dare not Decypher.

In his 22nd Page, he lashes the Authors who oppose the Government; such as the _Craftsman_, _Occasional Writer_, and other Scribblers, past, present, and to come. _The Dumpling-Eaters Downfal_, is a t.i.tle of his own Imagination; I have run over all _Wilford_'s Catalogues, and see no Mention made of such a Book: All that Paragraph therefore is a mere Piece of Rablaiscism.

In his 23d Page, he has another confounded Fling at Foreigners; and after having determinately dubb'd his Hero, the Prince of Statesmen, he concludes his Dissertation with a Mess of Drollery, and goes off in a Laugh.

In a Word, the whole Dissertation seems calculated to ingratiate the D--n in Sir **** Favour; he draws the Picture of an able and an honest Minister, painful in his Countries Service, and beloved by his Prince; yet oftentimes misrepresented and bely'd: Nay, sometimes on the Brink of Ruin, but always Conqueror. The Fears, the Jealousies, the Misrepresentations of an enraged and disappointed Party, give him no small Uneasiness to see the Ingrat.i.tude of some Men, the Folly of others, who shall believe black to be white, because prejudiced and designing Knaves alarm 'em with false Fears. We see every Action misconstrued, and Evil made out of Good; but as the best Persons and Things are subject to Scandal and Ridicule; so have they the Pleasure of Triumphing in the Truth, which always will prevail.

I take the Allegory of this Dissertation to be partly Historical, partly Prophetical; the D--n seeming to have carried his View, not only to the present, but even, succeeding Times. He sets his Hero down at last in Peace, Plenty, and a happy Retirement, not unrelented by his Prince; his Honesty apparent, his Enemies baffled and confounded, and his Measures made the Standard of good Government; and a Pattern for all just Ministers to follow.

Thus, gentle Reader, have I, at the Expence of these poor Brains, crack'd this thick Sh.e.l.l, and given thee the Kernel. If any should object, and say this Exposition is a Contradiction to the D--n's Principles; I a.s.sure such Objector, that the D--n is an errant _Whig_ by Education, and Choice: He may indeed cajole the _Tories_ with a Belief that he is of their Party; but it is all a Joke, he is a _Whig_, and I know him to be so; Nay more, I can prove it, and defy him to contradict me; did he not just after his Arrival and Promotion in _Ireland_, writing to one of his intimate Friends in _London_, conclude his Letter in this Manner?