A Select Collection of Old English Plays Part 106

WAN. Will Master Jolly consent too? You must not then, as soon as a handsome woman is named, smile and stroke your beard; tell him that is next you, you have lain with her. Such a lie is as dangerous as a truth, and 'twere but justice to have thee hanged for a sin thou never committedst, for having defamed so many women.

JOLLY. If all those liars were hanged, I believe the scale would weigh down with the guilty.

WAN. One rogue, hanged for example, would make a thousand kind girls. If it take, it shall be called my law, Wanton's law: then we may go in petticoats again; for women grew imperious, and wore the breeches only to fright the poor cuckolds, and make the fools digest their horns. Are you all ready? Shall I open the door?

CAPT. Yes.

WILD. I'll expect you at my house.

[_Exit_ WILD _one way, and the rest of the company another_.

OMNES. We'll come, we'll come.

CAPT. So, knock louder.

[_They knock within, and the_ PARSON _discovered in his bed, and the_ BAWD _with him_.

PAR. Who's there? What would you have?

CAPT. Here's his majesty's watch, and master constable's wors.h.i.+p must come in. We have a warrant from the lords to search for a delinquent.

PAR. You come not here. I'll answer your warrant to-morrow.

JOLLY. Break open the door.

PAR. I would you durst.

BAWD. Lord, dear, what shall we do?

PAR. Why, sweet, I'll warrant you. Art thou not my wife, my rib, bone of my bone? I'll suffer anything ere one hair of thee shall be touched.

BAWD. Hark! they break open the door!

PAR. They dare not! Why dost thou tremble so? Alas, sweet innocence, how it shakes!

CAPT. Break open the door.

PAR. I'll complain to the bishop of this insolence.

BAWD. They come, they come, lamb!

PAR. No matter, sweet, they dare not touch thee. What would you have, master constable? You are very rude.

[_He delivers the warrant._

CAPT. Read our warrant, and our business will excuse us. Do you know any such person as you find there?

PAR. Yes, sir, but not by this name. Such a woman is my wife, and no Lindabrides.[260] We were married to-day, and I'll justify her my wife the next court-day. You have your answer, and may be gone.

JOLLY. We must take no notice of such excuses now. If she be your wife, make it appear in court, and she will be delivered unto you.

PAR. If she be my wife! Sir, I have wedded her and bedded her: what other ceremonies would you have? Be not afraid, sweetheart.

JOLLY. Sir, we can do no less than execute our warrant. We are but servants; and, master constable, I charge you in the king's name to do your duty. Behold the body of the delinquent.

PAR. Touch her that dares: I'll put my dagger in him. [_He takes his dagger._] Fear nothing, sweetheart. Master constable, you'll repent this insolence offered to a man of my coat.

BAWD. Help, my dearest, will you let me be haled[261] thus?

[_Here they strive to take her out._

PAR. Villains, what will you do? Murder! Rape!

CAPT. Yes, yes, 'tis likely: I look like a ravisher!

JOLLY. Hold him, and we'll do well enough with her.

[_As they go to pull her out of the bed, they discover the_ BAWD. _When they let him go, he turns to her and holds her in his arms._

CAPT. What have we here, an old woman?

PAR. Let me go. Slaves and murderers!

CAPT. Let him go.

JOLLY. Do any of you know this woman? This is not she we looked for.

PAR. No, rascal, that mistake shall not excuse you.

JOLLY. It is old Goodman What-d'ye-call-him his wife.

CAPT. Hold the candle, and let's see her face.

[_When they hold the candle, she lies in his bosom, and his arms about her. She must be as nastily dressed as they can dress her. When he sees her, he falls into amaze, and shoves her from him._

JOLLY. What have we here, adultery? Take them both: here will be new matter.

PAR. Master constable, a little argument will persuade you to believe I am grossly abused. Sure, this does not look like a piece that a man would sin to enjoy: let that then move your pity and care of my reputation. Consider my calling, and do not bring me to a public shame for what you're sure I am not guilty of, but by plot of some villains.[262]

BAWD. Dear, will you disclaim me now?

PAR. O impudence!

JOLLY. Master constable, do your duty. Take them both away, as you will answer it.

CAPT. Give him his ca.s.sock to cover him.

[_They put on his ca.s.sock and her coat, and lead them away._