A Select Collection of Old English Plays Part 105

BAWD. He is awake, and calls for you impatiently: he would fain be in bed; the company is all gone.

WAN. Are you instructed?

BAWD. Let me alone, I'll warrant you for my part.

WAN. Farewell then; you are all ready. Who plays master constable?

CAPT. I, I; and Ned Jolly the sumner.[255]

WAN. Farewell, farewell then.

[_Exit_ WANTON _and_ BAWD.

WILD. It is a delicate wench.

CARE. She has excellent flesh and a fine face. By this light, we must depose the captain from his reign here.

[_They whisper this._

WILD. I like her shrewdly; I hate a wench that is all wh.o.r.e and no company; this is a comedy all day and a fair[256] at night.

CARE. I hope to exalt the parson's horn here.

CAPT. And what think you? is it not a sweet sin, this lying with another man's wife?

WAN. Is Jolly come?

[WANTON _above_.

CAPT. No, but he'll be here instantly.

WILD. Is he abed?

WAN. Yes, yes; and he sleeps as if he had been put to bed by his s.e.xton, with _dust to dust_, and _ashes to ashes_.

CAPT. And we'll wake him with that shall be as terrible to him as the latter day.

WAN. Let him sleep awhile, that he may be fresh, else the jest is spoiled; for it is his sense of his disgrace must work my ends.

WILD. I'll go home then, and get supper ready, and expect you.

CAPT. Do; our scene lies here.

[_Enter_ JOLLY.]

Who's there? Jolly?

JOLLY. Yes.

CAPT. Are you fitted?

JOLLY. Yes, I have got the Blackfriars music. I was fain to stay till the last act. And who do you think I saw there?

WILD. I know not.

JOLLY. Guess.

WILD. Prythee: I cannot guess.

JOLLY. Your aunt and Mistress Pleasant, and trusty Secret.

WILD. What, man?

JOLLY. The lovers only, so close in a box!

CAPT. It will be a match, and there's an end. Prythee, let them go to't: what is't to us? Let's mind our business now, and think on them hereafter.

WAN. A pox upon them, for a couple of stalk-hounds. Have they killed at last? Why, this is fool's fortune.[257] It would be long enough ere one that has wit got such a wife!

CAPT. No more of this now. Have you borrowed the watchmen's coats?

JOLLY. Yes, and bills, beards, and constable's staff and lantern; and let me alone to fit him for the sumner. But when this is done, I expect my fee, a t.i.the-night at least. Wanton, I will lie with thee for thy roguery. What! are you dumb? You will not refuse me, I hope?

WAN. Not if I thought you desiredst it; but I hate to have it desired indifferently, and but so-so done neither, when 'tis done.

JOLLY. I hope you will not disgrace my work, will you?

WAN. Faith, they say, thy pleasure lies in thy tongue, and therefore, though I do not give thee leave to lie with me, yet I will give thee as good a thing that will please thee as well.

JOLLY. Some [such] roguery I expected.

WAN. No, faith, I am serious: and because I will please you both, Master Wild shall lie here, and you shall have leave to say you do, which will please you as well.

JOLLY. Faith, and my part is some pleasure; else _I have loved, enjoyed, and told_, is mistook.

WAN. Ay, but never to love, seldom enjoy, and always tell--foh!

it stinks, and stains worse than Sh.o.r.editch dirt; and women hate and dread men for't. Why, I, that am a wh.o.r.e professed, cannot see youth[258] digest it, though it be my profit and interest: for to be a private wh.o.r.e in this town starves in the nest like young birds, when the old one's killed.

CARE. Excellent girl! 'tis too true. Jolly, your tongue has kept many a woman honest.

WAN. Faith, 'tis a truth, this I shall say, you may all better your pleasures by, if you will observe it: I dare say, the fear of telling keeps more women honest than Bridewell hemp; and were you wise men and true lovers of liberty, now were the time to bring wenching to that perfection no age could ever have hoped.

Now you may sow such seed of pleasure, you may be prayed for hereafter. Now, in this age of zeal and ignorance, would I have you four, in old clothes and demure looks, present a pet.i.tion to both houses, and say you are men touched in conscience for your share in that wickedness which is known to their wors.h.i.+ps by the pleasure of adultery; and desire it may be death,[259] and that a law may be pa.s.sed to that purpose. How the women will pray for you, and at their own charges rear statues in memory of their benefactors! The young and kind would then haunt your chambers, pray and present you, and court the sanguine youth for the sweet sin secured by such a law. None would lose an occasion, nor churlishly oppose kind nature, nor refuse to listen to her summons, when youth and pa.s.sion calls for those forbidden sweets.

When such security as your lives are at stake, who would fear to trust? With this law all oaths and protestations are cancelled.

Letters and bawds would grow useless too: by instinct, the kind will find the kind, and, having one nature, become of one mind.

Now we lose an age to observe and know a man's humour, ere we dare trust him; but get this law, then 'tis, like and enjoy. And whereas now, with expense of time and fortune you may glean some one mistress amongst your neighbours' wives, you shall reap women whole armfuls, as in the common field. There is one small town, wise only in this law; and I have heard them say that know it well, there has been but one execution this hundred years; yet the same party searched seven years, and could not find an honest woman in the town.

CARE. An excellent plot! Let's about it. Ink and paper, dear Wanton: we will draw the pet.i.tion presently.