The Jest Book Part 79

MCDXII.--A SOPORIFIC.

A PROSY orator reproved Lord North for going to sleep during one of his speeches. "Pooh, pooh!" said the drowsy Premier; "the physician should never quarrel with _the effect_ of his own medicine."

MCDXIII.--THE AMENDE HONORABLE.

QUOTH Will, "On that young servant-maid My heart its life-string stakes."

"Quite safe!" cries d.i.c.k, "don't be afraid, She pays for _all she breaks_."

MCDXIV.--ALLEGORICAL REPRESENTATION.

A PAINTER, who was well acquainted with the dire effects of law, had to represent two men,--one who had gained a law-suit, and another who had lost one. He painted the former with a _s.h.i.+rt on_, and the latter _naked_.

MCDXV.--MILITARY ELOQUENCE.

AN officer who commanded a regiment very ill-clothed, seeing a party of the enemy advancing, who appeared newly equipped, he said to his soldiers, in order to rally them on to glory, "There, my brave fellows, go and _clothe_ yourselves."

MCDXVI.--CUTTING OFF THE SUPPLIES.

THE late Duke of York is reported to have once consulted Abernethy.

During the time his highness was in the room, the doctor stood before him with his hands in his pockets, waiting to be addressed, and whistling with great coolness. The Duke, naturally astonished at his conduct, said, "I suppose you know who I am?"--"Suppose I do; what of that? If your Highness of York wishes to be well, let me tell you,"

added the surgeon, "you must do as the Duke of Wellington often did in his campaigns, _cut off the supplies_, and the enemy will quickly leave the citadel."

MCDXVII.--EPIGRAM.

THE proverb says, and no one e'er disputes, "Nature the shoulder to the burden suits"; Then nature gave to Saucemore with his head, Shoulders to carry half a ton of lead.

MCDXVIII.--A FOWL JOKE.

A CITY policeman before Judge Maule said he was in the _hens_ (_N_) division. "Do you mean in the _Poultry_?" asked the Judge.

MCDXIX.--AN EXPENSIVE TRIP.

IRISH Johnstone, the comedian, was known to be rather parsimonious. On one of his professional visits to Dublin, he billeted himself (as was his wont) upon all his acquaintances in town. Meeting Curran afterwards in London, and talking of his _great expenses_, he asked the ex-Master of the Rolls what he supposed he spent in the Irish capital during his last trip. "I don't know," replied Curran; "but probably a _fortnight_."

MCDXX.--OLD FRIENDS.

COLEMAN, the dramatist, was asked if he knew Theodore Hook. "Yes,"

replied the wit; "_Hook_ and _eye_ are old a.s.sociates."

MCDXXI.--A REASON.

"I WISH you at the devil!" said somebody to Wilkes. "I don't wish you there," was the answer. "Why?"--"Because I never wish _to see you again_!"

MCDXXII.--HONOR.

DURING a siege the officer in command proposed to the grenadiers a large sum of money as a reward to him who should first drive a fascine into a ditch which was exposed to the enemy's fire. None of the grenadiers offered. The general, astonished, began to reproach them for it. "_We should have all offered_," said one of these brave soldiers, "if money _had not been set as the price of this action_."

MCDXXIII.--JUST AS WONDERFUL.

A GENTLEMAN asked a friend, in a very knowing manner, "Pray, did you ever see a _cat-fish_?"--"No," was the response, "but I've seen a _rope-walk_."

MCDXXIV.--CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME.

"WELL, neighbor, what's the news this morning?" said a gentleman to a friend. "I have just bought a sack of flour for a poor woman."--"Just like you! Whom have you made so happy by your charity this time?"--"_My wife_."

MCDXXV.--QUESTION ANSWERED.

THAT idiot W---- coming out of the Opera one night, called out, "Where is my fellow?"--"_Not in England_, I'll swear," said a bystander.

MCDXXVI.--VERY LIKELY.

AN officer of the navy being asked what Burke meant by the "_Cheap_ defence of nations," replied, "A mids.h.i.+pman's _half-pay_,--nothing a-day and find yourself."

MCDXXVII.--INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.

DIED suddenly,--surprised at such a rarity!

Verdict,--Saw Eldon do a little bit of charity.

MCDXXVIII.--A GRUNT.

"DOCTOR, when we have sat together some time, you'll find my brother very entertaining."--"Sir," said Johnson, "_I can wait_."

MCDXXIX.--ONE FAULT.

"SHE is insupportable," said a wit with marked emphasis, of one well known; but, as if he had gone too far, he added, "It is her _only_ defect."

MCDx.x.x.--TO THE "COMING" MAN.

SMART waiter, be contented with thy state, The world is his who best knows how to wait.