The Jest Book Part 78

"Grill, you're an a.s.s!" Now, surely, that's concise.

MCCCXCIV.--A DROP.

DEAN SWIFT was one day in company, when the conversation fell upon the antiquity of the family. The lady of the house expatiated a little too freely on her descent, observing that her ancestors' names began with De, and, of course, of antique French extraction. When she had finished; "And now," said the Dean, "will you be so kind as to help me to a piece of that _D--umpling_?"

MCCCXCV.--ERROR IN JUDGMENT.

AN author once praised another writer very heartily to a third person.

"It is very strange," was the reply, "that you speak so well of him, for he says that you are a charlatan."--"O," replied the other, "I think it very likely that _both of us_ may be mistaken."

MCCCXCVI.--THE SUPERIORITY OF MACHINERY.

A MECHANIC his labor will often discard, If the rate of his pay he dislikes: But a clock--and its case is uncommonly hard-- Will continue to work though it _strikes_!

MCCCXCVII.--THE MONEY-BORROWER DECEIVED.

A YOUTH had borrowed a hundred pounds of a very rich friend, who had concluded that he should never see them again. He was mistaken, for the youth returned him the money. Some time after, the youth came again to borrow, but was refused. "No, sir," said his friend, "you shall not _deceive_ me twice."

MCCCXCVIII.--A SPEAKING CANVAS.

SOME of the friends of a famous painter, observed to him, that they never heard him bestow any praises but on his worst paintings. "True,"

answered he; "for the best will always _praise_ themselves."

MCCCXCIX.--INDUSTRY OF THE ENGLISH PEOPLE.

SYDNEY SMITH, writing in the _Edinburgh Review_, says, "If the English were in a paradise of spontaneous productions, they would continue to _dig_ and _plough_, though they were never a peach or a pine-apple the _better for it_."

MCD.--OCULAR.

TAYLOR says, "My best pun was that which I made to Sheridan, who married a Miss Ogle." We were supping together at the Shakespeare, when, the conversation turning on Garrick, I asked him which of his performances he thought the best. "O," said he, "the Lear, the Lear."--"No wonder,"

said I, "you were fond of a _Leer_ when you married an _Ogle_."

MCDI.--ON THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE WHIG a.s.sOCIATES OF THE PRINCE REGENT AT NOT OBTAINING OFFICE.

YE politicians, tell me, pray, Why thus with woe and care rent?

This is the worst that you can say, Some wind has blown the wig away, And left the _Hair Apparent_.

MCDII.--AN APT REPROOF.

MR. WESLEY, during his voyage to America, hearing an unusual noise in the cabin of General Oglethorpe (the Governor of Georgia, with whom he sailed), stepped in to inquire the cause of it, on which the General immediately addressed him: "Mr. Wesley, you must excuse me. I have met with a provocation too great for man to bear. You know the only wine I drink is Cyprus wine, as it agrees with me the best of any; and this villain Grimaldi (his foreign servant) has drunk up the whole I had on board. But I will be revenged of him. I have ordered him to be tied hand and foot, and to be carried to the man-of-war that sails with us. The rascal should have taken care how he used me, for _I never forgive_."--"Then I hope, sir," said John Wesley, looking calmly at him, "_you never sin_." The General was quite confounded at the reproof, and putting his hand into his pocket took out a bunch of keys, which he threw at Grimaldi, saying, "There, villain! Take my keys, and behave better for the future."

MCDIII.--THE LAME BEGGAR.

"I AM unable," yonder beggar cries, "To _stand or move_." If he says true, he _lies_.

MCDIV.--HOLLAND'S FUNERAL.

HOLLAND, who was a great favorite with Foote, died. While the funeral ceremony was performing, G. Garrick remarked to Foote: "You see what a snug family vault we have made here."--"_Family vault_!" said Foote, with tears trickling down his cheeks, "I thought it had been a family _oven_."

MCDV.--PRETTY.

HOPE is the dream of those who are awake.

MCDVI.--NOT IMPROBABLE.

A CERTAIN young clergyman, modest almost to bashfulness, was once asked by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and crowded a.s.sembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the attention of the whole company, "How it happened that the patriarchs lived to such extreme old age?" To which question the clergyman replied, "_Perhaps they took no physic_."

MCDVII.--SOUGHT AND FOUND.

THREE conceited young wits, as they thought themselves, pa.s.sing along the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they had a mind to be rudely merry. "Good-morrow, father Abraham," said one; "Good-morrow, father Isaac," said the next; "Good-morrow, father Jacob,"

cried the last. "I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob," replied the old gentleman, "but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his father's _a.s.ses_, and lo! here I have found them."

MCDVIII.--NO REDEEMING VIRTUE.

"PRAY, does it always rain in this hanged place, Enough to drive one mad, heaven knows?"

"No, please your grace,"

Cried Boniface, With some grimace, "_Sometimes it snows_."

MCDIX.--A REMARKABLE ECHO.

A CERTAIN Chief Justice, on hearing an a.s.s bray, interrupted the late Mr. Curran, in his speech to the jury, by saying, "One at a time, Mr.

Curran, if you please." The speech being finished, the judge began his charge, and during its progress the a.s.s sent forth the full force of its lungs; whereupon the advocate said, "Does not your lords.h.i.+p hear a remarkable _echo in the court_?"

MCDX.--A DUTIFUL DAUGHTER.

THE father of Mrs. Siddons had always forbidden her to marry an actor, and of course she chose a member of the old gentleman's company, whom she secretly wedded. When Roger Kemble heard of it he was furious. "Have I not," he exclaimed, "dared you to marry a player?" The lady replied, with downcast eyes, that she had not disobeyed. "What, madam! have you not allied yourself to about the worst performer in my company?"--"Exactly so," murmured the timid bride; "n.o.body can call _him_ an actor."

MCDXI.--A PERTINENT QUESTION.

FRANKLIN was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by another, "What is the _use_ of a new-born infant?"