The Jest Book Part 68

JAMES THE SECOND, when Duke of York, made a visit to Milton the poet, and asked him, amongst other things, if he did not think the loss of his sight a _judgment_ upon him for what he had written against his father, Charles the First. Milton answered, "If your Highness think my loss of sight a _judgment_ upon me, what do you think of your father's losing his head?"

MCCXI.--ON A LADY WHO WAS PAINTED.

IT sounds like paradox,--and yet 'tis true, You're like your picture, though it's not like you.

MCCXII.--RATHER A-CURATE.

IT is strange that the Church dignitaries, the further they advance in their profession, become the more incorrigible; at least, before they have gone many steps, they may be said to be _past a_ CURE.

MCCXIII.--MONEY'S WORTH.

A RICH upstart once asked a poor person if he had any idea of the advantages arising from riches. "I believe they give a rogue _an advantage_ over an honest man," was the reply.

MCCXIV.--THE RICHMOND HOAX.

ONE of the best practical jokes in Theodore Hook's clever "Gilbert Gurney," is Daly's hoax upon the lady who had never been at Richmond before, or, at least, knew none of the peculiarities of the place. Daly desired the waiter, after dinner, to bring some "maids of honor"--those cheesecakes for which the place has, time out of mind, been celebrated.

The lady stared, then laughed, and asked, "What do you mean by 'maids of honor?'"--"Dear me!" said Daly, "don't you know that this is so courtly a place, and so completely under the influence of state etiquette, that everything in Richmond is called after the functionaries of the palace?

What are called cheesecakes elsewhere, are here called maids of honor; a capon is called a lord chamberlain; a goose is a lord steward; a roast pig is a master of the horse; a pair of ducks, grooms of the bedchamber; a gooseberry-tart, a gentleman usher of the black rod; and so on." The unsophisticated lady was taken in, when she actually saw the maids of honor make their appearance in the shape of cheesecakes; she convulsed the whole party by turning to the waiter, and desiring him, in a sweet but decided tone, to bring her a _gentleman usher of the black rod_, if they had one in the house quite cold!

MCCX.V.--LORD CHATHAM.

LORD CHATHAM had settled a plan for some sea expedition he had in view, and sent orders to Lord Anson to see the necessary arrangements taken immediately. Mr. Cleveland was sent from the Admiralty to remonstrate on the impossibility of obeying them. He found his lords.h.i.+p in the most excruciating pain, from one of the most severe fits of the gout he had ever experienced. "Impossible, sir," said he, "don't talk to me of impossibilities": and then, raising himself upon his legs, while the sweat stood in large drops upon his forehead, and every fibre of his body was convulsed with agony, "Go, sir, and tell his lords.h.i.+p, that he has to do with a minister who actually _treads_ on impossibilities."

MCCXVI.--"I CAN GET THROUGH."

IN the cloisters of Trinity College, beneath the library, are grated windows, through which many of the students have occasionally, after the gates were locked, taken the liberty of pa.s.sing, without an _exeat_, in rather a novel style. A certain Cantab was in the act of drawing himself through the bars, and being more than an ordinary mortal's bulk, he stuck fast. One of the fellows of the college pa.s.sing, stepped up to the student and asked him ironically, "If he should a.s.sist him?"--"Thank you," was the reply, "_I can get through_!" at the same instant he drew himself back on the outside.

MCCXVII.--MAKING FREE.

FORMERLY, members of parliament had the privilege of franking letters sent by post. When this was so, a sender on one occasion applied to the post-office to know why some of his franked letters had been _charged_.

He was told that the name on the letter did not appear to be in his handwriting. "It was not," he replied, "_precisely_ the same; but the truth is, I happened to be a _little tipsy_ when I franked them."--"Then, sir, will you be so good in future as to write _drunk_ when you make _free_?"

MCCXVIII.--FICTION AND TRUTH.

WALLER, the poet, who was bred at King's College, wrote a fine panegyric on Cromwell, when he a.s.sumed the protectors.h.i.+p. Upon the restoration of Charles, Waller wrote another in praise of him, and presented it to the king in person. After his majesty had read the poem, he told Waller that he wrote a better on Cromwell. "Please your majesty," said Waller, like a true courtier, "we poets are always more happy in _fiction_ than in _truth_."

MCCXIX.--A TAVERN DINNER.

A PARTY of _bon-vivants_, having drunk an immense quant.i.ty of wine, rang for the bill. The bill was accordingly brought, but the amount appeared so enormous to one of the company (not quite so far gone as the rest) that he stammered out, it was impossible so many bottles could have been drunk by seven persons. "True, sir," said the waiter, "but your honor forgets the three gentlemen _under the table_."

MCCXX.--A FULL STOP.

A GENTLEMAN was speaking of the kindness of his friends in visiting him.

One old aunt, in particular, visited him _twice_ a year, and stayed _six months_ each time.

MCCXXI.--FAT AND LEAN.

A MAN, praising porter, said it was so excellent a beverage, that, though taken in great quant.i.ties, it always made him fat. "I have seen the time," said another, "when it made you lean,"--"When? I should be glad to know," inquired the eulogist. "Why, no longer ago than last night,--_against a wall_."

MCCXXII.--SELF-CONDEMNATION.

JOSEPH II., emperor of Germany, travelling in his usual way, without his retinue, attended by only a single aide-de-camp, arrived very late at the house of an Englishman, who kept an inn in the Netherlands. After eating a few slices of ham and biscuit, the emperor and his attendant retired to rest, and in the morning paid their bill, which amounted to only three s.h.i.+llings and sixpence, English, and rode off. A few hours afterwards, several of his suite arrived, and the publican, understanding the rank of his guest, appeared very uneasy. "Psha! psha!

man," said one of the attendants, "Joseph is accustomed to such adventures, and will think no more of it."--"But I _shall_" replied the landlord; "and never forgive myself for having had an emperor in my house, and letting him off for _three and sixpence_."

MCCXXIII.--NICKNAMES.

JOHN MAGEE, formerly the printer of the _Dublin Evening Post_, was full of shrewdness and eccentricity. Several prosecutions were inst.i.tuted against him by the government, and many "keen encounters of the tongue"

took place on these occasions between him and John Scott, Lord Clonmel, who was at that period Chief Justice of the King's Bench. In addressing the Court in his own defence, Magee had occasion to allude to some public character, who was better known by a familiar designation. The official gravity of Clonmel was disturbed; and he, with bilious asperity, reproved the printer, by saying, "Mr. Magee, we allow no nicknames in this court,"---"Very well, _John Scott_," was the reply.

MCCXXIV.--A CALCULATION.

AFTER the death of the poet Chatterton, there was found among his papers, indorsed on a letter intended for publication, addressed to Beckford, then Lord Mayor, dated May 26, 1770, the following memorandum: "Accepted by Bingley, set for, and thrown out of, the _North Briton_, 21st June, on account of the Lord Mayor's death:--

Lost by his death on this essay 1 11 6 Gained in elegies 2 2 0 Gained in essays 3 3 0 Am glad he is dead by 3 13 6."

Yet the evident heartlessness of this calculation has been ingeniously vindicated by Southey, in the _Quarterly Review_.

MCCXXV.--ON THE PRICE OF ADMISSION TO SEE THE MAMMOTH HORSE.

I WOULD not pay a coin to see An animal much larger; Surely the mammoth horse must be Rather an _overcharger_.

MCCXXVI.--NOTHING BUT HEBREW.

A CANTAB chanced to enter a strange church, and after he had been seated some little time, another person was ushered into the same pew with him.

The stranger pulled out of his pocket a prayer-book, and offered to share it with the Cantab, though he perceived he had one in his hand.

This courtesy proceeded from a mere ostentatious display of his learning, as it proved to be in _Latin_. The Cantab immediately declined the offer by saying, "Sir, I read nothing but _Hebrew_!"

MCCXXVII.--A GOOD RECOMMENDATION.

WHEN Captain Grose, who was very fat, first went over to Ireland, he one evening strolled into the princ.i.p.al meat market of Dublin, where the butchers, as usual, set up their usual cry of "What d'ye buy? What d'ye buy?" Grose parried this for some time by saying he did not want anything. At last, a butcher starts from his stall, and eyeing Grose's figure, exclaimed, "Only _say_ you buy your meat of me, sir, and you will make my fortune."