The Jest Book Part 67

MCXCI.--BURKE AND FOX.

MR. BURKE, in speaking of the indisposition of Mr. Fox, which prevented his making a motion for an investigation into the conduct of Lord Sandwich, said, "No one laments Mr. Fox's illness more than I do; and I declare that if he should continue ill, the inquiry into the conduct of the first Lord of the Admiralty should not be proceeded upon; and, should the country suffer so serious a calamity as his death, it ought to be followed up earnestly and solemnly; nay, of so much consequence is the inquiry to the public, that no bad use would be made of the skin of my departed friend, (should such, alas! be his fate!) if, like that of John Zisca, it should be converted _into a drum_, and used for the purpose of sounding an alarm to the people of England."

MCXCII.--TRYING TO THE TEMPER.

LORD ALLEN, in conversation with Rogers, the poet, observed: "I never put my razor into hot water, as I find it injures the temper of the blade."--"No doubt of it," replied Rogers; "show me the blade that is _not out of temper_ when plunged into _hot water_."

MCXCIII.--HAVING A CALL.

MR. DUNLOP, while making his pastoral visitations among some of the country members of his flock, came to a farm-house where he was expected; and the mistress, thinking that he would be in need of refreshment, proposed that he should take his tea before engaging in _exercises_, and said she would soon have it ready. Mr. Dunlop replied, "I aye tak' my tea better when my wark's dune. I'll just be gaun on. Ye can hing the pan on, an' lea' the door ajar, an' I'll draw to a close in the prayer when I hear the _haam fizzin'_."

MCXCIV.--A WILL AND AWAY.

IT was a strange instance of alleged obedience to orders in the case of a father's will, which a brute of a fellow displayed in turning his younger brother out-of-doors. He was vociferously remonstrated with by the neighbors on the gross impropriety of such conduct. "Sure," said he, "it's the will; I'm ordered to _divide_ the house betune myself and my brother, so I've taken the _inside_ and given him the _outside_."

MCXCV.--A WINDY MINISTER.

IN one of our northern counties, a rural district had its harvest operations seriously affected by continuous rains. The crops being much laid, wind was desired in order to restore them to a condition fit for the sickle. A minister, in his Sabbath services, expressed their wants in prayer as follows:--"Send us wind, no a rantin', tantin', tearin'

wind, but a noohin' (noughin?), soughin', winnin' wind." More expressive words than these could not be found in any language.

MCXCVI.--READY RECKONER.

THE Duke of Wellington, when Premier, was the terror of the idlers in Downing Street. On one occasion when the Treasury clerks told him that some required mode of making up the accounts was impracticable, they were met with the curt reply: "Never mind, if you can't do it, I'll send you half-a-dozen _pay sergeants_ that will,"--a hint that they did not fail to take.

MCXCVII.--A "DISTANT" FRIEND.

MEETING a negro on the road, a traveller said, "You have lost some of your friends, I see?"--"Yes, ma.s.sa."--"Was it a near or a distant relative?"--"Well, purty distant,--_'bout twenty-four mile_," was the reply.

MCXCVIII.--TYPOGRAPHICAL WIT.

"HO! Tommy," bawls Type, to a brother in trade, "The ministry are to be _changed_, it is said."

"That's good," replied Tom, "but it better would be With a trifling erratum."--"What?"--"Dele the _c_."

MCXCIX.--A NAMELESS MAN.

A GENTLEMAN, thinking he was charged too much by a porter for the delivery of a parcel, asked him what his name was. "My name," replied the man, "is the same as my father's."--"And what is his name?" said the gentleman. "It is the same as mine."--"Then what are both your names?"--"Why, they _are both alike_," answered the man again, and very deliberately walked off.

MCC.--AN INSURMOUNTABLE DIFFICULTY.

BOOTH, the tragedian, had a broken nose. A lady once remarked to him, "I like your acting, Mr. Booth; but, to be frank with you,--_I can't get over your nose_!"--"No wonder, madam," replied he, "the bridge is gone!"

MCCI.--NON COMPOS.

IT is remarkable that ---- is of an exceedingly cheerful disposition, though the _very little piece_ of mind he possesses is proverbial.

MCCII.--TOO LIBERAL.

A WRITER in one of the Reviews was boasting that he was in the habit of distributing literary reputation. "Yes," replied his friend, "and you have done it so profusely that you have _left none_ for yourself."

MCCIII.--A LITTLE RAIN.

HOW monarchs die is easily explained, For thus upon their tombs it might be chiselled; As long as George the Fourth could reign, he reigned, And then he _mizzled_!

MCCIV.--TRUE DIGNITY.

P---- had a high respect for the literary character. At a great man's house a stranger stopped that P---- might enter the room before him.

"Pa.s.s, sir," said the master of the house, "it is only Mr. P----, the author."--"As my rank is mentioned," cried P., "I shall claim the preference"; and accordingly took the lead.

MCCV.--HOW TO GET RID OF AN ENEMY.

DR. MEAD, calling one day on a gentleman who had been severely afflicted with the gout, found, to his surprise, the disease gone, and the patient rejoicing on his recovery over a bottle of wine. "Ah!" said the doctor, shaking his head, "this Madeira will never do; it is the cause of all your suffering."--"Well, then," rejoined the gay incurable, "fill your gla.s.s, for now we have found out _the cause_, the sooner _we get rid of it_ the better."

MCCVI.--SEVERE.

A LADY asked a sailor whom she met, why a s.h.i.+p was called "_she_." The son of Neptune replied that it was "because the _rigging_ cost more than the hull."

MCCVII.--NO SACRIFICE.

A LINEN-DRAPER having advertised his stock to be sold under _prime cost_, a neighbor observed that, "It was impossible, as he had never _paid a farthing for it himself_."

MCCVIII.--SHARP BOY.

A MOTHER admonis.h.i.+ng her son (a lad about seven years of age), told him he should never _defer_ till to-morrow what he could do to-day. The little urchin replied, "Then, mother, let's eat the remainder of the plum-pudding _to-night_."

MCCIX.--EARLY BIRDS OF PREY.

A MERCHANT having been attacked by some thieves at five in the afternoon, said: "Gentlemen, you _open shop early_ to-day."

MCCX.--JUDGMENT.