Light in the Shadows Part 8

Wow, that felt...good. I left the office to find Lydia working on her laptop. She looked up and gave me a rea.s.suring smile. "All finished up?" she asked.

I nodded. Yeah, I was finished. And it was about f.u.c.king time.

After that, I got my stuff together, including my meds, said my goodbyes and headed to the airport with Jonathan. I boarded the plane and we took off ten minutes early. That had to be a positive sign, right?

I tried not to fixate on what would be waiting for me when I landed. Instead I watched a couple of TV shows, ate some pretzels and stared out the window. The flight was short, only two and a half hours. I checked the time on my cellphone after we landed. It was only a little after nine-thirty.

I hung back, letting everyone else get off of the plane before I did. I didn't want to keep Ruby waiting, but being here, my feet on Virginian soil, made all of this way too real. It wasn't some horrible dream I could wake up from.

I pushed my way through the crowded airport and headed toward the baggage claim. I started to look around for Ruby, knowing this is where we were supposed to meet up. I felt sick to my stomach. My nerves were a wreck and already my body craved the worst kind of release.

Three hours away from the center and I was already losing it. I cut across the sea of people and practically ran into the restroom. Thank G.o.d it was mercifully empty. I ran water in the sink and splashed my face. Running my hands through my hair and along the back of my neck in an effort to calm down.

I needed to control my breathing. It was then that I realized I hadn't taken my medication yet. I dug through my laptop bag and pulled out the small brown bottle. Popping the top I shook two pills into my palm. I swallowed them quickly, without water.

I thought about taking some of my anxiety medication but I had been hesitant to do so. So instead, I chose the pep talk route and waited for the Tegretol to kick in, hoping that had the desired effect.

I fished my cellphone out of my pocket and realized I had been in the bathroom for almost fifteen minutes. Ruby was probably starting to worry. I picked up my bag and headed back toward the baggage carousel.

I saw Ruby before she saw me. She was sitting on a bench, watching people as they walked by, obviously looking for me. She looked like s.h.i.+t. I know that's a messed up thing to say, but G.o.d it was true. She looked like she had lost ten pounds, her clothes that she wore big anyway, were practically swimming on her.

Her long, red hair was dull and lifeless and I saw the beginnings of grey around her temples and scalp. She looked...old. And that freaked me out. Ruby had always been strong and capable. She was the rock I had always needed. Staring at my aunt, I realized she wasn't my rock anymore. And that I was going to have to suck it up and be the rock for her.

"Ruby," I called out. She turned her head in the direction of my voice and I was relieved to see some of the old sparkle come back into her listless eyes. She got to her feet and held her arms out for me.

I walked into them and hugged her. "I'm so glad you're here," she breathed out as she held me. I let her hold on, knowing she wasn't ready to let go yet. She felt smaller, almost as though she had shrunk in on herself. It worried me.

Finally I pulled back and she tried to give me a smile. It didn't come close to reaching her eyes. But I took what I could get. I found my suitcase quickly and followed her out of the airport.

Once outside I s.h.i.+vered. G.o.d d.a.m.n it was cold. I had gotten too used to southern Florida and the days that never dipped below seventy degrees. s.h.i.+t, this was like walking into a freezer.

"I hope you remembered to bring a coat. We've had an unseasonable cold snap. They're actually calling for snow tonight. The seasons are all messed up. And some people have the audacity to say that global warming is a myth," Ruby said, clearly trying her hardest to make things normal.

But there was no such thing as normal. That was the myth. I had fought long and hard for something that I now realized didn't exist. And boy was that depressing. I took a deep breath. I swear the air just smelled different in Virginia. I wasn't sure what it was, but it just felt like...well, home.

I put my arm around my aunt's shoulders and walked quietly with her to the car. "Why don't you let me drive?" I suggested, holding my hand out for the car keys. Ruby looked exhausted and I didn't want to admit to her that on a good day her driving scared the p.i.s.s out of me. But seeing her like this, barely able to put one foot in front of the other, there was no way I was letting her behind the wheel.

Ruby didn't argue as she dropped the two pound key ring into my palm. I sorted through the mess of spare keys and random trinkets until I found the one for her Volvo. I got into the driver's side and looked over to see that Ruby was standing in the open door, not moving.

"Ruby?" I said her name more as a question. Mostly because I hated to see my aunt, who used to be so full of life, reduced to this sh.e.l.l of a person. It p.i.s.sed me off that life could be so cruel. Ruby didn't deserve the grief she was feeling. There were millions of people who lived their f.u.c.ked up lives, never lifting a finger to help anyone else. But a woman who had put her life on hold to save mine was suffering. It made me want to hit something.

"Sorry," Ruby murmured, finally getting into the car. She sat numbly, looking out of the window as I pulled into beltway traffic. We didn't talk. Not a word. I knew there was nowhere else I'd rather be than with Ruby right now. But G.o.d, that selfish part of me wanted to run for the hills.

The weight of our mutual grief was suffocating. "Have you eaten any dinner?" I asked, trying to prod some sort of conversation out of my silent aunt. She shook her head.

"I'm not hungry," her deadened voice replied. I was starving but I thought it was a better idea to just get to Davidson and start dealing with everything that was waiting for me there. I wanted to ask how she was doing. But I could see with my own eyes exactly how she was doing. And it wasn't good.

Ruby was hollow and I wasn't sure how well I was going to handle all of this. I merged onto I66 and headed south. I tried several times to start a conversation and even though Ruby attempted to engage, we ended up dropping off into silence. After a while, I gave up and turned on the radio.

Two hours later, I drove into Davidson and it was like my entire world shuddered around me. I drove down the familiar streets and felt intense and overwhelming panic. I couldn't do this! I needed to get the f.u.c.k out of here!

The mellow edge brought on from my medication blurred into the freak out rising inside me. The roads were pretty empty. Not surprising considering it was almost midnight on a Wednesday evening. And what did I expect? A mob greeting me as I rolled into town with pitchforks and torches shouting, "Get the nut job?"

I fought an internal battle that urged me to drop Ruby off at home and run away as fast as I could. I pulled into the driveway at Ruby's and parked behind my car. It still sat there as though waiting for me.

"You didn't have to hang onto it, you know. I told you to sell it and to keep the money," I said to Ruby as we climbed out of the car. Ruby shook her head and gave me a ghost of a smile.

"There was no way we were going to sell it. It's yours," was all she said as we walked to the front door. Turning on the hallway light, I dropped my suitcase in the living room and froze.

Lisa's gla.s.ses and book still lay on the coffee table. Her favorite mug half full of cold coffee sat beside them. Lisa's slippers kicked half under the couch as though she had just taken them off.

The air in here was oppressive. Lisa had always been the housekeeper and that was very obvious. The place was a wreck. Going into the kitchen, dishes piled up in the sink, the trash overflowed onto the floor. The counters were sticky with spilled tea.

There were flowers everywhere. The sickeningly sweet smell of decaying food mixed with the scent of flowers made me want to puke. One particularly huge arrangement sat on the kitchen table. I noticed distractedly that someone had to have spent a lot of money on that particular bouquet.

The rest of the house wasn't any better. And worse than that, Lisa's things had all been left just as they were. Like she could be expected to walk in the door at any moment. "Sorry everything is such a mess. Lisa was the one...she always..." Ruby choked up and covered her mouth with her hand.

I hugged her and rubbed her back. I felt like I couldn't breathe. The tightness in my chest was too much. But I tried, for my aunt's sake, to hide my discomfort. "It's okay. I'll take care of it in the morning," I a.s.sured her.

Ruby nodded and without another word, walked up the stairs. Her shoulders drooped and head hung low. She looked years older as she made her way up those steps. And I felt powerless to do anything about it.

I stood in the middle of the filthy kitchen not sure what I should do. I guess I could go upstairs and get some sleep. But the truth was I was terrified to go in my room. Too many memories. Too many triggers. I just wasn't ready for that.

Instead, I rolled up my sleeves and filled the sink with soapy water. I started to wash the dishes. Then I moved on to cleaning the counters and taking out the trash. I found the broom in the closet and swept the floor.

After I was finished in the kitchen, I moved onto the living room. Straightening couch cus.h.i.+ons and throwing out mail. But I didn't touch Lisa's stuff. I just couldn't do that. I knew that Ruby wasn't ready.

By the time I had straightened up the downstairs, it was two-thirty in the morning. I stood at the base of the stairs, debating whether I should go up or not. But I wasn't in any sort of emotional state to handle the feelings that room would create in me.

I pulled off my s.h.i.+rt and made myself comfortable on the couch. Staring up at the ceiling I really wondered how I would survive being back here. I forced myself away from all Maggie related thoughts and tried to get some sleep.

I finally found myself nodding off with her eyes burning in my mind.

Chapter Ten.

-Maggie-

I pulled a black dress out of my closet and held it up in front of me. Yuck, no way. I hated black. And I knew Ruby hated black. So instead, I pulled out my dark green dress and decided to wear that one instead.

Lisa's funeral was at two. It was only ten in the morning. But I couldn't stay in bed. I felt restless and antsy. The last few days had pa.s.sed in a bit of a blur. Mom and I had tried to go by and see Ruby a few times. But every time we attempted to do so, she wasn't home. Or didn't answer the door.

We left the ca.s.serole on her front porch and when I drove by later, I saw that it was gone. I hoped Ruby had gotten it. Otherwise some jacka.s.s had stolen it and was enjoying some of my mother's fantastic cooking. Which was completely f.u.c.ked up.

I had sent a bouquet of flowers to Ruby's house. I had spent a long time picking out the most beautiful arrangement possible. Which was sort of ridiculous. Who really gives a s.h.i.+t about flowers when they were putting the love of their life in the ground?

Rachel and Daniel would be going to the funeral with my parents and me later today. They hadn't really known Lisa, but they were going to support me. I spent an inordinate amount of time putting together my outfit. Brus.h.i.+ng out my hair and applying my makeup. I hated how obsessive I was acting over my appearance.

This was a funeral, not a beauty pageant.

But today I would see him. And even if I somehow convinced myself that I didn't care, that what he thought about the way I looked was insignificant, it would be a freaking lie.

Unfortunately I cared way too much about what he thought. What he felt. How he was handling things now that he was back in Davidson. I had to talk myself out of driving to Ruby's yesterday after I had learned he was back in town.

His arrival had caused quite the stir at school. I had overheard a number of people talking about how they had seen him around. It was confirmed that he had gone into the flower shop to order arrangements. Then he had taken Ruby to Grandy's Steak house for dinner. His every move was catalogued and dissected as though he were a d.a.m.n celebrity.

It wasn't every day that the town crazy came home. Because that's what everyone was really talking about. How good he looked. He was even acting social. Apparently a few brave souls had attempted conversation with him. And, oh my gosh, he had talked to them! How amazing was that? This wasn't the same guy who had refused to talk to anyone when he had lived here before. The social outcast who had become the guy with suicidal tendencies.

The gossip p.i.s.sed me off. It unearthed my need to protect and defend him. But I was also unabashedly thankful for it. I clung to every tiny shred of news I could hear about him.

Because Clayton Reed was back in Davidson and I was prepared for him to blow my world apart...again.

Rachel and Daniel were driving me a little insane. They wouldn't let me out of their sights. Insisting on staying at my house last night so that we could watch movies and "hang out."

Whatever. That was best friend code for eliminating all possibilities for stupid decision making. Which included calling, visiting, or otherwise stalking my former boyfriend. Not that I would do such a thing. I mean, I was so past all that. So says the girl who fell to sleep last night staring at a picture of said former boyfriend that I secretly stowed away in the back of my closet.

Alright, so I was sickeningly excited to see Clay. How f.u.c.ked up was that? To be happy to see him in light of what he was here for. It was beyond selfish and beyond wrong. But it was there nonetheless.

And Rachel, in her all seeing best friendy ways, saw it right away. "Mags, don't make this into something more than it is. He's here for Lisa's funeral. He's not here to reunite and whisk you away in some romantic happily ever after. You've moved on. You're actually starting to live your life again. You have a future to look forward to. So don't expect something he d.a.m.n sure can't give you. He made himself very clear with that letter. Remember that," Rachel had warned me last night as she waited for Daniel, who had gone out to start the car so he could drive her home.

Her words were pretty mean and I sucked in a painful breath in response. s.h.i.+t, this girl was ruthless. But also annoyingly accurate. "d.a.m.n Rach, that was harsh. When did you become a mega b.i.t.c.h?" I griped, trying to cover up how bothered I was by her words.

She arched her eyebrow and leveled the look in my direction. The look that said she was about to throw off the gloves and smack some s.h.i.+t into me. "I watched you self-destruct once over Clayton Reed and I won't see you do it again. It's cool that you're going to the funeral out of respect for Ruby and for Lisa. I get that you want to be there for that. But just don't go tomorrow thinking it's going to herald the new age of Maggie and Clay. You've been down that path before and it only brought about depression and significant weight loss," Rachel said with more snark than I thought her capable of.

"You've been hanging out with me way too long, Rachel Bradfield," I complained, trying to change the subject. Clay would always be a bone of contention between us. Rachel and Daniel, while endlessly supportive, had expressed their opinions (however gently) on the matter. He was bad news. Even though they understood on some level why he had acted the way he had, it didn't change the outcome. He had pulled me into his darkness and I had almost lost myself there. It was only now, after all these months, I was starting to find my way back from it.

The front door had opened before Rachel could say anything else, bringing with it a blast of cold March air. "Am I missing out on some girl talk? Come on, fill me in ladies." Daniel rubbed his hands together, trying to warm them up.

I shook my head at Rachel, warning her to keep her mouth shut. I didn't need to hear the same s.h.i.+t over again from Daniel. One best friend nagging me was enough. But even though her delivery annoyed me, I took her words to heart. And whether she realized it or not, I truly had no plans to walk down that road ever again.

I could be perversely excited to see Clay again. I could want to know how he was holding up and whether he was all right. But that didn't change the fact that my life needed to go on without him in it. He had his treatment and I had my future. And those two things didn't coincide. They never would.

So here I was, the next morning, staring at the reflection of a girl who had changed so much in the last three months. I wasn't the same person who had naively believed that she could help her sick boyfriend. That she was the only medicine he needed. What an idiot that girl had been.

I wasn't sure I was ready for this, but I didn't have a choice. I was scared that I'd see Clay and all of my resolve would take a flying leap. I didn't think I could handle seeing his grief and not want to take care of him. It was in my nature to want to comfort him. The broken inside of him called out to the nurturer in me. Something I had never been until he had stumbled into my life.

There was a knock at my door and my dad poked his head inside my room. "You're dressed already?" He looked at me as though I had grown another head. Given that I didn't normally get out of bed on a Sat.u.r.day before noon, I understood his disbelief.

I shrugged, putting on some silver stud earrings. My dad came in and sat down on the edge of my bed. "You ready for today?" he asked with concern.

"Stop worrying about me, Dad. It makes you twitchy," I teased, trying to lighten the mood. My dad shook his head and scratched at his beard.

"I'm not twitchy; it's just that tick of mine," he joked. I smirked and smoothed my dress. "Mom has breakfast cooking. Come downstairs and eat something," he urged, giving me a placating smile.

"Sure, I'll be down in a bit. Save some bacon for me, will ya," I called out as my dad left.

"No promises," he said and I had to laugh.

My phone began ringing from my dresser and I picked it up, seeing Jake's name flash across the screen. I sighed and thought about ignoring it but instead put it to my ear.

"Hey, Jake," I said.

"Good morning, Maggie. I'm just calling to figure out what time I should come and get you today. I figured maybe we could grab some lunch or something and then get with Rachel and Daniel later." He sounded so eager and I tried not to groan. We had made plans just a few days ago, but with everything that had happened since then, I had to say it had completely slipped my mind.

I wanted to cancel; today would leave me emotionally exhausted. I didn't know what would happen when I saw Clay again and I didn't want to go into it knowing I'd have to spend my evening with someone else.

"Jake, about tonight," I started but I Jake's humorless laugh cut me off.

"You're not rain checking on me are you?" He was clearly trying to sound blase, but I could hear the hurt. Well, s.h.i.+t.

"It's just today I have a funeral to go to and I'm just not sure what that's going to mean for the rest of the day," I explained, omitting some key details from the excuse. All I knew was that I did not want to go on this date tonight. Things had considerably changed since Wednesday. And I wasn't sure where I was headed at this point.

"A funeral? What happened, Maggie?" Jake asked with concern. He was such a nice guy and I felt like the world's worst person for leading him on the way that I had. What in the h.e.l.l had I been thinking? When did Maggie Young become the kind of girl to mess with people's emotions like this?

"It's Lisa McCabe," I answered him, stealing myself for the explanation that would make Jake feel even worse.

"Lisa McCabe? Who's that?" he asked.

"She was Clay's aunt Ruby's partner. I um... I just really need to go," I said hurriedly. There was absolute silence on the other end.

Finally after a few minutes, Jake cleared his throat. "Oh, I see. Then I'm guessing Clay's in town then, huh?" His voice had turned cold. I knew Jake wasn't happy with it, but then I shouldn't have to explain myself to anyone, least of all him. Jake wasn't my boyfriend. He was a friend, nothing more.

"Yeah, he is. But I haven't seen him yet. The funeral is at two and then there's a gathering at Ruby's house. I just don't know when it's going to be over," I said shortly, a little irritated by Jake's att.i.tude. It was a freaking funeral. I shouldn't feel guilty for backing out of our plans because of it.

"Well. Okay then. I guess if you finish up early enough, give me a call. Otherwise, I'll see you on Monday." Yeah, he was p.i.s.sed. Well he was just going to have to simmer in his juvenile behavior because I wasn't biting.

"Sure," I bit out and hung up. Screw Jake Fitzsimmons. I tossed my phone onto the bed and stood there with my hands on my hips, feeling edgy and annoyed.

The smell of bacon wafted up the stairs and my stomach rumbled. I hadn't eaten much in the way of dinner the night before and my belly was letting me know. I headed down into the kitchen. My mom looked up and smiled at me. She looked stunning in her black pencil skirt and grey silk blouse. She had pulled her blonde hair into a neat bun at the base of her neck. My mother looked graceful and perfect. Just like she always did.

But what I loved even more was the way she looked at me with understanding and compa.s.sion. She knew how hard this day would be for me. "Come eat, honey. I made banana pancakes, just for you." She loaded up a plate and brought it over to the table. My dad was drinking his coffee and reading the paper.

"You look lovely," my mom said, kissing the top of my head. I smiled up at her, picking up a piece of bacon.

"Thanks, Mom," I replied, grabbing the maple syrup and drenching my pancakes with it. Mom poured herself a cup of coffee and came to sit beside me. She watched me silently as I ate.

"How are you feeling?" she asked as I shoveled food into my mouth. I chewed slowly and thought of how to respond. I had to be careful how I answered. I knew my parents were going to be watching me very closely. They were worried about my seeing Clay again. They had only just started to relax their hyper-vigilant hovering and I didn't want them to start helicoptering again.