Light in the Shadows Part 7

"There was an accident yesterday morning," Lydia said softly, as though trying to soothe a wild animal. I got to my feet in a panic.

"Is Ruby okay? What the h.e.l.l happened?" I could hear the rising hysteria in my voice. If they didn't start giving me some answers, it wasn't going to be pretty. Dr. Todd must have seen the freak out on my face because he got to his feet and was by my side in an instant. He put his hands heavily on my shoulders, pressing down slightly.

"Take a deep breath, Clay." His voice rang with just enough authority that I listened without wanting to punch him in the face. I tried to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth but my thoughts were getting in the way of it.

"Just tell me, please," I begged, figuring if rage wasn't getting them talking then pleading would. Dr. Todd continued to press down on my shoulders. I knew he was trying to "ground" me. It was meant to create the "chill" affect, triggering the body's ability to relax and calm down. Right now it wasn't doing s.h.i.+t.

"It was about Lisa. She was involved in a car accident," Dr. Todd said softly, steadily. My whole body tensed up, as if bracing myself for a blow.

"Is she all right?" I croaked out. My eyes became blurry and the doc's next words seemed to reach me through a thick fog.

"Lisa didn't make it. I'm so sorry, Clay," Dr. Todd said, his voice clear and strong. I blinked a few times, not sure I heard him correctly.

"Lisa didn't make it?" I asked for clarification. No, that couldn't be right. I had just spoken to Lisa this past weekend. She had given me a bunch of c.r.a.p about watching The Notebook, even though I had very little choice in the movies the center chose to play. But Lisa had loved every minute of teasing me about it. And then I had made fun of her new biker boots. It had been a great conversation, with her promising to come down with Ruby when I was discharged from Grayson in two weeks.

Dr. Todd nodded, his hands still firm on my shoulders. "No, Clay. She didn't," he confirmed. My heart bottomed out and I felt sick. What the f.u.c.k? Matt appeared beside me, not touching me but the act was meant to be supportive.

What I felt was freaking smothered. "Back the h.e.l.l off. Please," I tried to sound threatening, but instead I only sounded weak and broken. Matt tentatively took me by the elbow and tried to steer me to the couch.

"Have a seat, Clay. We can talk if you want." I wrenched my arm away and backed up. I dug my fingers into my hair and started to pull. The familiar sensation of falling apart tickled the edges of my consciousness.

"Clayton. Sit down now." Dr. Todd's words were perhaps more harsh than the situation warranted but he knew that I responded to his authority on a basic level. I don't know why it was, but his firm voice cut through the noise in my head. The man didn't have a PH.D for nothing.

I sat down heavily and vaguely heard Lydia direct me to focus on my breathing. f.u.c.k that! They could take their breathing and shove it up their a.s.ses. Who the h.e.l.l were they to tell me to calm down when I had just found out one of the only three people I had ever loved was dead?

f.u.c.k...Lisa was dead. That was the kind of forever I wanted nothing to do with. I just wanted to wake up and realize this was a bad dream. I started to pinch my arm, liking the pain but knowing it meant that yep, I was definitely awake.

I covered my face with my hands and leaned my elbows on my knees trying to stop the invading panic attack. No one touched me. n.o.body spoke. The only sound was from the constant ticking of Dr. Todd's clock on the wall.

I don't know how long I stayed like that. It could have been minutes. Hours even. Who the f.u.c.k knows? But I finally looked up and saw that the three other people in the room hadn't moved. They all looked ready, poised and waiting for my inevitable meltdown.

Well I hated to disappoint them because that just wasn't going to happen. "I want to call Ruby," I said, proud of how steady I was. Matt and Lydia got up.

"We'll come by and see you in a little while," Matt a.s.sured me. I didn't nod. I didn't do s.h.i.+t. I just wanted them to leave. Lydia squeezed my shoulder and I wanted to smack her hand away. I had never felt condescended to at Grayson. But right now, I felt like the epitome of the mental patient. Everyone was walking on eggsh.e.l.ls around me and it made me want to scream.

Once the other therapists left the room, Dr. Todd picked up the phone on his desk and held out the receiver for me to take. "Clay, Ruby is going to be grieving. She is in a horrible place right now. Be prepared for what that will do to you. Be aware of your own triggers and I'll help you deal with them, alright?" He stared me straight in the eye and I took the phone from his hand.

"Yeah. Okay," I muttered. I quickly dialed Ruby's cell phone number and waited. I heard it ring. And ring. And ring. Finally, when I was just about to hang up I heard the click of the call connecting. Ruby's h.e.l.lo sounded hollow.

"Aunt Ruby," I got out, my voice cracking. I heard her broken sob on the other end.

"Clay, honey. I'm so glad you called," Ruby said through gasping breaths. And then she started crying. I was paralyzed. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't used to playing the role of comforter. My entire life, these roles had been reversed. It was Ruby picking up the pieces and trying to put me together again.

I didn't know how to do the same for her. And I felt horrible because of it. I felt useless. So I did the only thing I could. I let her cry while I let out my own tears. "I don't know what I'm going to do, Clay," Ruby whispered, her voice hoa.r.s.e.

My head was a mess. I couldn't get my thoughts together. I was in shock, I knew that. My body felt numb and I couldn't focus. But I needed to say something. "I'm coming home," was all I said.

"I...Clay...no, you have to think about yourself right now. Lisa wouldn't want you to compromise your treatment," Ruby argued and I immediately cut her off.

"Stop it Ruby, I'm coming home. I need to be there." My throat constricted and I put my head on the top of the desk. I wasn't sure it was the best decision for me. But there was no other choice to make. Of course I'd go.

"Thank you. So much. I just don't know what to do...so many things to think about." Ruby started crying again and I hated being a thousand miles away.

"I'll be there soon," I promised before we got off the phone. I told Ruby I'd call her when I arranged a flight. After hanging up I turned to Dr. Todd, not sure if I was going to get a fight about my leaving. But the truth was I didn't care. Nothing would stop me from getting on a plane to Virginia.

"I want to buy a plane ticket," I said shortly. Dr. Todd looked at me steadily but simply nodded.

"I can arrange for you to do that," he replied, getting on the phone and calling Louis, the daytime administrator, giving me permission to use the internet to secure a flight.

"I need to go back to my room and get my wallet. I need my credit card," I said, knowing how wobbly I sounded.

"This is a lot to take in, Clay. After you make your flight reservation, go to your room, take the afternoon off. Get some rest. Give Louis your itinerary and he'll make sure it gets to me. But I'd like to meet first thing in the morning." I only nodded. There was nothing else to say.

So I went through the motions. I was able to get a flight from Miami International to Dulles for tomorrow evening. Twenty-four hours and I would be back in Virginia. I couldn't allow myself to think about what that would mean for me. I was only focused on the new gaping hole in my heart.

Because Lisa, my aunt's tough as nails but with the heart of gold, girlfriend was dead. Christ. I had never been able to handle grief and change in any sort of healthy way. My first instinct was to hurt myself. Dig deep into my skin and watch myself bleed. Or get so wasted that thinking wasn't an option. It would be so easy to lose myself in something like that. I wet my lips with my tongue, practically salivating at the thought.

No! G.o.d d.a.m.n it, NO! I started to pace the floor of my room. As though wearing a hole in my floor would do something. After that accomplished absolutely nothing, I tried to lie down and close my eyes. Still nothing. Nothing was helping. I tried to remember those super awesome coping skills that were supposed to get me through the hard stuff.

Squeezing my eyes shut I tried to reframe. When that didn't help I started to feel pretty desperate. I needed something to distract me from either finding something sharp and pointy or something pharmaceutical. Opening my eyes I saw the bag of birthday stuff in the corner. I had yet to put my gifts away, so they still sat in the same spot where I had left them.

I stuck my hand inside and purposefully made myself move past the sc.r.a.p book to grab ahold of my sketch pad and pencils. I sat down at my desk and turned on the lamp. Popping my ear buds in, I scrolled through my music until I found some Apocalyptica and cranked it. Then I started drawing. Sketch after sketch, I poured everything out of me through my fingers and onto the paper.

Hours pa.s.sed and I was still drawing. Tyler had come in and tried to talk to me but I ignored him. He knew me well enough to leave it alone. Maria had stopped by, obviously hearing about Lisa but I ignored her as well. I didn't drop my pencil for a moment. I was like a man possessed.

I stopped sometime around midnight. Pictures littered the surface of my desk and the only light came from the soft glow of my lamp. I could hear Tyler's soft breathing and knew the aide on duty would soon be coming around to check on everyone.

I started to leaf through the sketches and realized I couldn't even remember what I had been drawing. I had let my emotions take over. And it had worked. I had been able to channel my self-destructive needs into something else.

There were drawings of trees and fields. A few of the ocean and more than a dozen of Lisa. Lisa with Ruby. Lisa reading a book. Lisa cooking dinner. I took these and bundled them together. I would give them to Ruby.

I started to pile up the rest when I realized what else I had drawn in my frenzy. Of course, I should have known that when I put pencil to paper, her face would materialize. It always did.

I touched the curve of Maggie's cheek that I carefully and precisely depicted. Her eyes were closed, as if in pain. And I couldn't ignore what going back to Davidson would mean for me. I would be ripping open the wound that I had worked really hard to st.i.tch closed. Even if the sutures were only now starting to heal.

I sighed and shoved the pictures into my desk drawer and turned off the lamp. Crawling into bed, I curled in on myself and fought against the personal demons that threatened to ruin everything.

Chapter Nine.

-Clay-

I stuffed clothes into my suitcase. I'm not sure why, but I started putting everything inside. My pictures, my books, everything. I had every intention of coming back after the funeral but something inside me told me to be prepared.

"So you're leaving, huh?" I looked over my shoulder to see Maria standing in the doorway, hands shoved in the pockets of her hoodie. Her smile was hesitant and I could tell she was unhappy.

"Yeah, my plane leaves at six-thirty," I answered her, turning back to the pile on my bed. Maria didn't say anything else and she didn't come any further into my room. When I was finished, I closed the lid to my suitcase and zipped it. Heaving it off the bed, it fell to the floor with a thud. I ran my hands through my hair and knew it was sticking up all over the place but I didn't give a s.h.i.+t.

I had slept like c.r.a.p. My eyes were gritty and tired. My mind was fuzzy and my mouth felt dry. I felt like I had been run over. Maria leaned against the jam and watched me quietly. "You coming back?" she asked looking around my now very bare room. Tyler's side was still a wreck but mine was devoid of any sign that I had ever occupied it.

"I plan on it," I said unconvincingly. Because I knew, even then, that it would be hard to leave once I got home. Not when Ruby needed me. But I had promised myself that I still had to make my treatment a priority. But priorities had a way of changing.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean you will," Maria said with a sad resignation.

"Maria. Look..." I started but she held up her hand, stopping me.

"I get it, Clay. You don't have to explain. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am about Lisa. She was really cool. I'm glad I got to hang out with her when she came down here. I wish I could be there for you. We all do. We'll be thinking of you," Maria said softly, smiling in a wistful kind of way.

"Thanks. I really needed to hear that," I told her truthfully. I was running on auto pilot right now. Not sure what the h.e.l.l I was going to do when my plane touched down in Virginia. I had called Ruby that morning to let her know I would be flying in tonight. She insisted on coming to get me, even when I argued that I could rent a car. She wouldn't hear it, saying she needed to be the one to do it. I didn't try to talk her out of it. There was no point. She'd be there to get me, no matter what. She had always been there for me. And that wouldn't stop just because her life had detonated.

Maria came over to me and wrapped her arms around my waist. I slowly brought my arms up to hug her back. She rested her cheek on my chest and I lowered my chin to the top of her head. We stood that way for a while until I pulled away.

Maria took my hand between hers and held on. "I'll miss you," she confessed, looking embarra.s.sed for some reason. I squeezed her hands before pulling away.

"You too." I smiled at her and she tried to smile back. I looked at the clock on the wall and realized I had to get to my meeting with Dr. Todd. "I've got to get going. You want to meet up for lunch?" I asked her, feeling strange with the tension in the room. I wasn't exactly sure what this was, but I just knew I had to get away from it.

I knew Maria meant well, but I also knew how much she had come to depend on our friends.h.i.+p. And I just couldn't handle worrying about what that would mean for her when I left. I didn't like having anyone dependent on me for their happiness. Because that hadn't worked out so well the last time it had happened.

"Sure," she said, taking note of the way I moved away from her. She respected my need for s.p.a.ce and let me walk away. I hurried to Dr. Todd's office and he was already waiting for me.

"Clay. How are you?" he asked after I closed the door behind me. I only shrugged as I sat down.

"I'm not really sure," I answered honestly. Dr. Todd nodded.

"That's understandable. You've gone through a lot in the last twelve hours." Dr. Todd crossed his arms over his chest. "How long are you planning to be in Virginia?" he asked me.

I knew the question was coming, I just wish I knew how to answer him. "I don't know. I don't think Ruby has even started making funeral arrangements yet. I planned on getting there and then I guess I'll just have to see." I was being purposefully vague. Because the truth was I had no idea what to expect.

"I get that. I really do. But Clay, I'm okay with this visit because I know how important it is for you and your healing to be there for Ruby. I am concerned about how this will impact your ongoing progress though, I can't lie." I rubbed the s.p.a.ce between my eyebrows, feeling the beginnings of a headache.

"I know, Dr. Todd. But last night, instead of cutting, I spent hours drawing. Even with everything going on. So that's something, right? But regardless, I need to go." My statement left no room for argument. I was getting on that plane at six-thirty and there was nothing Dr. Todd or anyone else could say to change my mind.

Dr. Todd lifted his hands in a placating gesture. "I know, Clay. But we still need to make some plans, should things get difficult for you while you're there. You've worked too hard and come too far. This trip will test you in every possible way. Given the circ.u.mstances you find yourself in, antic.i.p.ate old patterns to start becoming extremely appealing. We have only started scratching the surface of the way your mind reacts to stressors. The nature of this visit will be mentally and emotionally taxing. Being here at Grayson is like living in a bubble. Once leaving it, a lot of people have a hard time with the adjustment. And I expect that to be magnified exponentially given your situation."

s.h.i.+t, he wasn't pulling any punches. "I know, alright. You're not telling me anything I haven't already thought about." I wasn't going into this thing blind. For the first time in my life I was entering a situation with my blinders off. Sure I was freaked out a bit. I'd be an idiot not to be. But I wasn't going to let my fear stop me from being there for Ruby.

"Good, being prepared is essential. But, Clay, I'd like you to check in with me daily while you're in Davidson. That way if things come up, you have a means of processing them." I tried not to feel insulted by the suggestion. I didn't need a G.o.dd.a.m.ned babysitter.

I ran my hand over my arms in agitation, feeling the ridges of old scars. Okay, so maybe a babysitter wasn't such a bad idea.

"Sure, I'll call you." Dr. Todd picked up a file on his desk and pulled a paper out and handed it to me. It was my no harm contract.

"Take this with you, read it, remember it." I folded up the sheet and put it in my back pocket. He was really covering all bases here.

"Thanks, Doc, I appreciate it. I honestly don't know how long I would have lasted if I hadn't come here." I hadn't really expressed my grat.i.tude for the staff at Grayson. But it seemed important that I say it now.

"It's what we're here for," was all Dr. Todd said in reply. I got to my feet. "Jacqui will give you your medications before you leave this evening. And if you need anything, Clay, anything at all, know that you can call either me or the other staff here, day or night. Someone will always be here." His words were rea.s.suring and it made me feel less alone.

"Thanks," I said again before leaving.

The rest of the day was spent going to group and finis.h.i.+ng up the homework I had yet to complete. I hung out with Tyler and Greg. Had lunch with Maria. I was trying to work up the courage to leave the place that had provided the safety and security I had so desperately needed for the last three months.

Even though I had imagined what it would be like to finally leave the center, the reality was a h.e.l.l of a lot different than I thought it would be. This is not the way I wanted to be leaving. Even with my intentions of coming back, it didn't change that I was walking out the door into a world that was vastly different from when I left it.

Thirty minutes before I was due to head to the airport to catch my flight, Lydia came to get me. "Your mother is on the phone and is asking to speak to you," she informed me, leading me to her office. I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. What the f.u.c.k did she want? Though deep down, I knew exactly what she wanted.

I picked up the phone and gritted my teeth. "Hi, Mom," I said shortly. Lydia had left her office but kept the door open. I had a feeling she was listening carefully to this particular conversation. It was no secret that my parents were like an emotional bomb for me. There was no telling how I'd react.

"What's this I hear about you flying to Virginia? That is completely unacceptable!" her frosty voice cut through the line.

"Nice to hear from you, Mom," I replied sarcastically. She completely ignored my statement.

"You are not going to Virginia. How could you even think of doing something so stupid? After everything you put your father and I through with your little suicide attempt! And now you're trying to ruin everything all over again! Do you have no self-respect?" She sounded disgusted. And I'm sure she was. I wish I didn't care. And some part of me had learned to stop being so hung up in my desire for her approval.

But that didn't completely drown out that small part of me that did still care. And that part of me needed to be cut the h.e.l.l out. Forcibly if necessary.

"Ruby needs me. I'm sure you've heard about Lisa. Aren't you planning on attending the funeral?" I don't know why I bothered to ask such a ridiculous question. Neither of my parents had ever approved of Lisa or Ruby's "lifestyle." But I guess I had some bizarre hope that family ties would mean more than misplaced morals.

"I don't think that would be appropriate. Not with your father running for Congress this year. What would it look like if the conservative candidate attended the funeral of...a h.o.m.os.e.xual." She said the word as though it were something dirty. G.o.d, what a b.i.t.c.h.

"It would look like the two of you had a heart. Even if it was a lie," I said angrily, hating that I allowed her to get under my skin like that.

"Enough with the dramatics, Clayton. You will not be going anywhere. You are in treatment. You cannot afford to leave right now. You could relapse. Because I can a.s.sure you if there is another embarra.s.sing incident, your father and I will not be there to help you this time."

I barked out a harsh laugh. "Help me? Are you f.u.c.king high? When have you EVER helped me?" I heard my mother's sharp intake of breath.

"Don't you dare speak to me that way." Her voice was dangerously low and I knew I had over stepped a line. The one that demanded total and complete compliance. Too bad for her that I had kicked the obedient fool out on his a.s.s.

"You will not be leaving the Grayson Center, Clay. Your father and I admitted you and if you refuse to stay in treatment, we will be forced to take drastic measures to make sure you aren't posing a risk to yourself." I could almost see the derisive curl of her lip as her threat spewed from her mouth.

"You do that, Mother. Just try and lock me up again and you will find a very disobedient son. And I don't think that's something you or Dad can afford right now. Particularly with it being an election year and all." My mother went quiet. I could hear her silently fuming. The thing she didn't realize was I had learned a thing or two from my manipulative parents. And that was knowing how to get what I wanted. Because I had hit her Achilles' heel. Her fear of public disclosure. And I meant every word of what I had said. If she and my father fought me on this, I would be a thorn in their f.u.c.king side.

Finally, my mother said, "If that's how you want it, fine. But don't expect any further a.s.sistance from your father or me. That includes financially. You want to defy us and self-destruct, do it on your own." I snorted, not remotely bothered by her statement.

"I've been on my own most of my life," I muttered and then hung up.