Handy Andy Volume Ii Part 13

"_Your_ wife!" retorted Matty, with a very devil in her eye-- "_Your_ wife, indeed, you great _omadhaun_; why, then, had you the bra.s.s to think I'd put up with _you_?"

"Arrah, then, why did you marry me?" said Andy, in a pitiful argumentative whine.

"Why did I marry you?" retorted Matty--"Didn't I know betther than refuse you, when my father said the word _when the divil was busy with him_?

Why did I marry you?--it's a pity I didn't refuse, and be murthered that night, maybe, as soon as the people's backs was turned. Oh, it's little you know of owld Jack Dwyer, or you wouldn't ask me that; but, though I'm afraid of him, I'm not afraid of you--so stand off I tell you."

"Oh, Blessed Virgin!" cried Andy; "and what will be the end of it?"

There was a tapping at the door as he spoke.

"You'll soon see what will be the end of it," said Matty, as she walked across the cabin and opened to the knock.

James Casey entered and clasped Matty in his arms; and half a dozen athletic fellows and one old and debauched-looking man followed, and the door was immediately closed after their entry.

Andy stood in amazement while Casey and Matty caressed each other; and the old man said in a voice tremulous with intoxication, "A very pretty filly, by jingo!"

"I lost no time the minute I got your message, Matty," said Casey, "and here's the Father ready to join us."

"Ay, ay," cackled the old reprobate--"hammer and tongs!--strike while the iron's hot!--I'm the boy for a short job"; and he pulled a greasy book from his pocket as he spoke.

This was a degraded clergyman, known in Ireland under the t.i.tle of "Couple-Beggar," who is ready to perform irregular marriages on such urgent occasions as the present; and Matty had contrived to inform James Casey of the desperate turn affairs had taken at home, and recommended him to adopt the present plan, and so defeat the violent measure of her father by one still more so.

A scene of uproar now ensued, for Andy did not take matters quietly, but made a pretty considerable row, which was speedily quelled, however, by Casey's bodyguard, who tied Andy neck and heels, and in that helpless state he witnessed the marriage ceremony performed by the "couple-beggar,"

between Casey and the girl he had looked upon as his own five minutes before.

In vain did he raise his voice against the proceeding; the "couple-beggar"

smothered his objections in ribald jests.

"You can't take her from me, I tell you," cried Andy.

"No; but we can take you from her," said the "couple-beggar"; and, at the words, Casey's friends dragged Andy from the cottage, bidding a rollicking adieu to their triumphant companion, who bolted the door after them and became possessor of the wife and property poor Andy thought he had secured.

To guard against an immediate alarm being given, Andy was warned on pain of death to be silent as his captors bore him along, and he took them to be too much men of their word to doubt they would keep their promise. They bore him through a lonely by-lane for some time, and on arriving at the stump of an old tree, bound him securely to it, and left him to pa.s.s his wedding-night in the tight embraces of hemp.

CHAPTER x.x.x

The news of Andy's wedding, so strange in itself, and being celebrated before so many, spread over the country like wildfire, and made the talk of half the barony for the next day, and the question, "_Arrah, did you hear of the wondherful wedding?_" was asked in high-road and by-road,-- and scarcely a _boreen_ whose hedges had not borne witness to this startling matrimonial intelligence. The story, like all other stories, of course got twisted into various strange shapes, and fanciful exaggerations became grafted on the original stem, sufficiently grotesque in itself; and one of the versions set forth how old Jack Dwyer, the more to vex Casey, had given his daughter the greatest fortune that ever had been heard of in the country.

Now one of the open-eared people who had caught hold of the story by this end happened to meet Andy's mother, and, with a congratulatory grin, began with "The top o' the mornin' to you, Mrs. Rooney, and sure I wish you joy."

"Och hone, and for why, dear?" answered Mrs. Rooney, "sure, it's nothin'

but trouble and care I have, poor and in want, like me."

"But sure you'll never be in want any more."

"Arrah, who towld you so, agra?"

"Sure the boy will take care of you now, won't he?"

"What boy?"

"Andy, sure!"

"Andy!" replied his mother, in amazement. "Andy, indeed!--out o' place, and without a bawbee to bless himself with!--stayin' out all night, the blackguard!"

"By this and that, I don't think you know a word about it," cried the friend, whose turn it was for wonder now.

"Don't I, indeed?" said Mrs. Rooney, huffed at having her word doubted, as she thought. "I tell you he never _was_ at home last night, and maybe it's yourself was helping him, Micky Lavery, to keep his bad coorses--the slingein' dirty blackguard that he is."

Micky Lavery set up a shout of laughter, which increased the ire of Mrs.

Rooney, who would have pa.s.sed on in dignified silence but that Micky held her fast, and when he recovered breath enough to speak, he proceeded to tell her about Andy's marriage, but in such a disjointed way, that it was some time before Mrs. Rooney could comprehend him--for his interjectional laughter at the capital joke it was, that she should be the last to know it, and that he should have the luck to tell it, sometimes broke the thread of his story--and then his collateral observations so disfigured the tale, that its incomprehensibility became very much increased, until at last Mrs. Rooney was driven to push him by direct questions.

"For the tendher mercy, Micky Lavery, make me sinsible, and don't disthract me--is the boy married?"

"Yis, I tell you."

"To Jack Dwyer's daughter?"

"Yis."

"And gev him a fort'n'?"

"Gev him half his property, I tell you, and he'll have all when the owld man's dead."

"Oh, more power to you, Andy!" cried his mother in delight: "it's you that _is_ the boy, and the best child that ever was! Half his property, you tell me, _Misther_ Lavery?" added she, getting distant and polite the moment she found herself mother to a rich man, and curtailing her familiarity with a poor one like Lavery.

"Yes, _ma'am_," said Lavery, touching his hat, "and the whole of it when the owld man dies."

"Then indeed I wish him a happy relase!" [Footnote: A "happy release" is the Irish phrase for departing this life] said Mrs. Rooney, piously--"not that I owe the man any spite--but sure he'd be no loss--and it's a good wish to any one, sure, to wish them in heaven. Good mornin', Misther Lavery," said Mrs. Rooney, with a patronising smile, and "going the road with a dignified air."

Mick Lavery looked after her with mingled wonder and indignation. "Bad luck to you, you owld sthrap!" he muttered between his teeth. "How consaited you are, all of a sudden--by Jakers, I'm sorry I towld you--c.o.c.k you up, indeed--put a beggar on horseback to be sure--humph!--the devil cut the tongue out o' me if ever I give any one good news again. I've a mind to turn back and tell Tim Dooling his horse is in the pound."

Mrs. Rooney continued her dignified pace as long as she was in sight of Lavery, but the moment an angle of the road screened her from his observation, off she set, running as hard as she could, to embrace her darling Andy, and realise with her own eyes and ears all the good news she had heard. She puffed out by the way many set phrases about the goodness of Providence, and arranged at the same time sundry fine speeches to make to the bride; so that the old lady's piety and flattery ran a strange couple together along with herself; while mixed up with her prayers and her blarney, were certain speculations about Jack Dwyer--as to how long he could _live_--and how much he might _leave_.

It was in this frame of mind she reached the hill which commanded a view of the three-cornered field and the snug cottage, and down she rushed to embrace her darling Andy and his gentle bride. Puffing and blowing like a porpoise, bang she went into the cottage, and Matty being the first person she met, she flung herself upon her, and covered her with embraces and blessings.

Matty, being taken by surprise, was some time before she could shake off the old beldame's hateful caresses; but at last getting free and tucking up her hair, which her imaginary mother-in-law had clawed about her ears, she exclaimed in no very gentle tones--

"Arrah, good woman, who axed for _your_ company--who are you at all?"

"Your mother-in-law, jewel!" cried the Widow Rooney, making another open-armed rush at her beloved daughter-in-law; but Matty received the widow's protruding mouth on her clenched fist instead of her lips, and the old woman's nose coming in for a share of Matty's knuckles, a ruby stream spurted forth, while all the colours of the rainbow danced before Mrs. Rooney's eyes as she reeled backward on the floor.

"Take that, you owld f.a.ggot!" cried Matty, as she shook Mrs. Rooney's tributary claret from the knuckles which had so scientifically tapped it, and wiped her hand in her ap.r.o.n.