De Turkey and De Law Part 6

(Gives the package to the child and resumes his seat.)

Run 'long home now. Tell yo' ma to put on uh pot uh peas.

(Child exits right trotting and sucking her candy.)

WALTER They's some powerful big snakes round here. We was choppin' down de weeds in front of our parsonage yistiddy and kilt uh great big ol'

cotton mouf moccasin.

SIMMS Yeah, look like me or some of my fambly 'bout to git snake-bit right at our own front do'.

LIGE An' bit by uh Baptist snake at dat.

LINDSAY How you make him out uh Baptist snake?

LIGE n.o.body don't love water lak uh Baptist an' uh Moccasin.

(General laughter)

HAMBO An' n.o.body don't hate it lak de devil, uh rattlesnake an uh Meth'dis.

(General laughter. Enter Joe Clark from store. Stands in door)

SIMMS Dis town needs uh cleanin' in more ways than one. Now if this town was run right, when folks misbehaves, they oughter be locked up in jail and if they can't pay no fine, they oughter be made to work it out on de streets--chopping weeds.

LINDSAY How we gointer do all dat when we ain't got no jail?

SIMMS Well, you orta _have_ uh jail. Y'all needs uh whole heap of improvements in dis town. Ah ain't never pastored no town so way back as this one here.

CLARKE (Stepping out before Simms) What improvements you figgers we needs?

SIMMS A whole heap. Now for one thing, we really does need uh jail, Brother Mayor. Taint no sense in runnin' people out of town that cuts up. We oughter have jails like other towns. Every town I ever pastored had uh jail.

CLARKE (Angrily) Now hold on uh minute, Simms! Don't you reckon uh man dat knows how to start uh town knows how to run it? You ain't been here long enough to find out who started dis town yet. (Very emphatic, beating of his palm with other fist) Do you know who started dis town?

(Does not pause for an answer) Me! I started _dis_ town. I went to de white folks and wid _dis_ right hand I laid down two hundred dollars for de land and walked out and started dis town. I ain't like some folks--come here when grapes was ripe. I was here to cut new ground.

SIMMS Well, tain't no sense in one man stayin' Mayor all de time, nohow.

CLARKE (Triumphantly) So dat de tree you barkin' up? Why, you ain't nothin'

but uh trunk man. You can't be no mayor. I got roots here.

SIMMS You ain't all de voters, tho, Brother Mayor.

CLARKE (Arrogantly) I don't hafta be. I G.o.d, it's my town and I kin be Mayor jes' as long as I want to. (Slaps his chest) I G.o.d, it was _me_ dat put dis town on de map.

SIMMS What map you put it on, Brother Clarke? You musta misplaced it. I ain't seen it on no map.

CLARKE Tain't on no map, hunh? I G.o.d, everytime I go to Maitland de white folks calls me Mayor. Otherwise, Simms, I G.o.d, if you so dissatisfied wid de way I run dis town, just take yo' Bible and flat foots and git younder cross de woods.

SIMMS (Aggressively) Naw, Ah don't like it. You ack lack tain't n.o.body in de corporation but you? Now look. (Points at the street lamp) Tain't but one street light in town an' you got it in front of yo' place. We pays de taxes an' you got de lamp.

CLARKE I G.o.d, n.o.body can't tell me how to run dis town. I 'lected myself and I'm gonna run it to suit myself. (Looks all about) Where is dat Marshall? He ain't lit de lamp?

WALTER Scorched Daisy Blunt home and ain' got back.

CLARKE I G.o.d, call him there, some of you boys.

(Lige steps to edge of porch left and calls "Lum! Lum!" Lum's voice at a distance: "What!" Lige: "Come on and light de lamp it gittin dark.")

SIMMS Now, when I pastored in Ocala you oughter seen de lovely jail dey had.

HAMBO Tha.s.s all right for white folks. We colored folks don't need no jail.

WALTER Aw, yes we do too. Elder Simms is right. We ain't a bit bottern white folks. (Enter the two women from the store.) You wimmen folks been in dat store uh mighty long time.

MRS. LULU We been makin' our market.

HAMBO Looks mighty bad for some man's pocket. But y'all ain't had no treat on me. Go back and tell Mrs. Clark tuh give you some candy.

LINDSAY Have somethin' on me too. Money ain't no good lessen de women kin help you use it. (Hollers inside) Every lady in there take a treat on me.

MRS. JENNY Ain't y'all comin' in tuh help us eat de treat. Come on, Elder Simms!

HAMBO (Getting up quickly. Lindsay and Joe Clarke also get up. They go inside laughing.) Here, lemme git hold of somebody. (Grabs one of the women by the arm as they exit into the store.)

LIGE (Pointing his thumb after the women) Ah wouldn't way lay nothin' lak dat. Too old even tuh chew peanuts if Ah was tuh buy it.

WALTER Preach it, Brother. But they's all right for mullet heads like Lindsay and Hambo. (Sings)

When they git old, when they [Note: corrected missing s.p.a.ce.] git old Old folks turns tuh monkeys When they git old.

(Looks off right) Lawd! They must be havin' recess in heben! Look at dese lil ground angels! (Yells off right) h.e.l.lo Big 'Oman, an' t.e.e.t.s and Bootsie! Hurry up! My money jumpin' up and down in my pocket lak uh mule in uh tin stable. (Enter three girls right, dressed in cool cotton dresses. They are all locked armed and giggling)

LIGE h.e.l.lo, folkses.

BOOTSIE (Coquettishly) h.e.l.lo yo'self--Want uh piece uh corn bread look on de shelf. (Great burst of laughter from inside the store)

LIGE (Catching Bootsie's arm) Lemme scorch y'all inside en' treat yuh.

BOOTSIE (Looks at the other girls for confirmation) Not yet, after while.

WALTER Well, come set on de piazza an' les' have some chat.

t.e.e.t.s We ain't got time. We come tuh git our mail out de postoffice.

LIGE Youse uh Got-dat-wrong! You come after Dave an' Jim an' Lum. But Daisy done treed de las' one of 'em. She got Jim and Dave out in de swamp where de mule was drugged out huntin' her uh turkey. An' she got Lum at her house. Tha.s.s how come de light ain't lit.

BIG 'OMAN Oh, Ah ain't worried 'bout Lum. Ah b'lieve Ah kin straighten him out.

WALTER Some wimmen kin git yo' man so he won't stand uh straightenin'.