Sorry Please Thank You: Stories Part 4

You want to be a good person.

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Imagine you are in a swimming pool.

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You are lying on the surface of the pool, faceup, ears half in and half out of the water. If you are doing this right, you can hear the world below, the world above, and the inside of your head. You can hear all three worlds, the nether, the air, the boundary, like mountaintop radio stations, broadcasts cutting in and out, static, and secret, and fragments that sound like the truth.

19.

Something is b.u.mping into you from down below. What is it? Try to translate the subsonic whale moans, the floating, slippery intuitions into actual words, words spoken out into the dry half of the world. A self-translation, from your private underwater language. Bring it up, expose it to the oxygen and light. The unrefracted desire.

20.

The problem with unintended consequences isn't with the consequences, it's with the unintended. Just because you didn't intend for something to happen doesn't mean you didn't want it to.

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Place your thumbs on either side of the device and concentrate.

Hold steady.

Good.

Just a second more.

Thank you.

22.

The following is a list of all of the momentary urges that popped into your head in the last sixty seconds: You Know Who (at the office): one time, one afternoon, in your car maybe, or the unis.e.x bathroom on 4 Large orange soda in a Styrofoam cup, a little crushed ice, a straw, the kind with a bendy elbow Go for a swim (sounds nice) To remember the name of that one song, oh it's killing you To be two inches taller That new woman on 5 A cigarette To quit smoking Head to stop pounding Hair to grow back Or at least stop receding That one who always wears that skirt, on 7 (in Marketing) A cigarette A hamburger No, a cheeseburger To be a better husband To be the world's greatest father A cheeseburger, then a cigarette To start over

23.

Look again at what you said you wanted. Any vagueness or ambiguity in there? No? Is it possible the problem isn't that your words are vague? Is it possible that you are?

24.

Let's be honest. What you really want to know is, how powerful is your will vis-a-vis the will of others with whom you come in contact? Others whose will may incidentally conflict with the effects you wish to bring about in the world. Others who seek to use their devices in order to directly oppose your will, as manifested in the world through your device. You want to know if you can make people do things against their will.

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Here's the thing: that's not the point. The point is that it's a test. It's a test! Of course it's a test. You should not be surprised. The point is this: What does it say about you? What do you use it for? You know you should use it to help other people.

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It will never do exactly what you want it to do.

You will never do exactly what it wants you to do.

27.

This is what you have to ask yourself: Do you want to be good, or just seem good? Do you want to be good to yourself and others? Do you care about other people, always, sometimes, never? Or only when convenient? What kind of person do you want to be?

28.

One more time, please. Place your thumbs on either side of the device and concentrate: That new woman on 5 A cigarette To start over again To go back to the first day of college To go back to the first day of high school That one trip to the lake, all four of you To be a decent person again To feel like a decent person To own a speedboat

29.

You have been wanting all your life.

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To go nowhere in particular To go to Europe

31.

You started as an infant.

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You started life crying. Learned to talk so you could communicate your wants more effectively.

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To go to Alsace-Lorraine, wherever that is.

(Page 138 in your eighth-grade French book.)

34.

Je vais a la plage Tu vas a la plage Il/elle/on va a la plage

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