I Want to Eat Your Pancreas Chapter 3

Yesterday night, after I had went to sleep, a murder took place in the next prefecture. It seemed like it was committed by a phantom killer of some sort - of course, it was all over TV in the morning.

That was why I thought the case would have been a hot topic at school as well, although our examinations were starting today. But for my cla.s.s at least, neither the case nor the tests were the talk of the town. To my annoyance, I found them buzzing instead about yet another topic.

In other words, they were trying to solve the mystery behind why she, who was cheerful, energetic, and popular, and I, the most plain and glum person in cla.s.s, were out together on a day off. I thought that if there was an answer, I’d have liked to know it too, but since I was minimising contact with my cla.s.smates as usual, I wasn’t blessed with the opportunity to ask.

Something happened after they met each other in the library committee - that was the scenario they seemed to have settled on for now. I had hoped that I would have been left out of their fantastic denouement, but outspoken girls with the courage to do unnecessary things went to ask her directly with loud voices, and in response to that unnecessary action, she unnecessarily said something unnecessary.

“We get along well.”

I recognised that my cla.s.smates were all focused on me, so just in case, I paid more attention than usual to their conversation - which was also why I heard her endlessly unnecessary statement. I felt my cla.s.smates’ stares s.h.i.+fting to me after her proclamation. Of course, I pretended not to notice them.

Every time we completed a test, my almost silent cla.s.smates would look me over, wordlessly casting me within the shadows of their doubt and bafflement - but as always, I just continued to ignore them.

An instance in which I could no longer avoid involvement came just once, at the end of the third hour, but even that was quickly resolved.

The girl that had questioned her earlier with neither reservation nor consideration trotted over and started talking to me.

“Hey hey, Plain-Cla.s.smate-kun, do you get along with Sakura?”

I thought that she must have been a good person for having asked that. That was because my other cla.s.smates were all observing us from a distance. Both earlier and right now, they must have made use of her easy-going personality, and sent her to the front lines.

I sympathised with my cla.s.smate, whose exact name I was unable to recall, and gave her an answer.

“Not particularly. We just happened to meet yesterday.”

“Hmm.”

Having heard and received my words, the kind and honest girl said, “Got it,” as she returned to a coterie of other cla.s.smates.

In times like this, I don’t hesitate to lie. Since I had to protect myself, as well as guard her secret, it couldn’t be helped.

Even for her who said nothing but unnecessary things, the reason she met me was linked to her incurable disease - seeing as it was the most confidential of secrets, perhaps she would be willing to fabricate a cover story with me.

With that, the first hurdle was over. At the end of the fourth hour, the test was over, and I expected to score slightly above the cla.s.s average this time too. Without really talking to anyone, I started to pack up and go home. Even though I didn’t have anything to do afterwards, I wanted to quickly go home. While thinking about such things, a loud voice stopped me just as I was leaving the cla.s.sroom.

“Wait wait! Affable-Cla.s.smate-kun!”

I turned around and saw her, who was grinning from ear to ear, and my cla.s.smates, who looked on with suspicion. In truth, I wanted to ignore both parties, but since it couldn’t be helped, I ignored the latter and waited for the girl that was walking over.

“We need to head over to the library for a bit, it seems we have work.”

For some reason, her words managed to disperse the tension in the cla.s.sroom’s air.

“I didn’t hear about this.”

“Sensei told me when I ran into her earlier. Do you have something else to do?”

“Not really.”

“Then let’s go. It’s not like you were going to study anyway, right?”

I thought that was rude of her, but it was the truth, so I went along with her to the library.

I have no intention to detail the events in the library, so to put it briefly - she had told a lie. A lie that involved conspiring with the library teacher-in-charge even though there was no need to. There wasn’t any work to be done; I earnestly inquired Sensei about our duties, but she and Sensei just laughed at me, who they had summoned. Despite my immediate attempts to return home, Sensei apologised as she brought out tea and teacakes. Out of consideration for the food, I forgave them.

After a short tea, we were evicted from the library as it was closing early today. Having reached this stage, I asked for the first time why she told that meaningless lie. I was sure she must have had a good reason.

“Not really. I just like being mischievous, you know?”

“This girl…!” I wanted to say it aloud as we made our way to the shoe lockers, but that’d probably be playing into the hands of someone who had been up to mischief. That was when she stopped her foot mid-air. She jumped lightly over my foot - her eyebrows were raised and she was making a face that showed her heartfelt displeasure.

“It’d be good if you someday get punished like the boy who cried wolf.”

“You see, the G.o.ds are properly watching stuff like how my pancreas is goofing up. It’s no good for you to lie.”

“Though there also isn’t a rule that says you can tell meaningless lies just because your pancreas is goofing up.”

“Eh, is that so? I didn’t know. Incidentally, has Affable-Cla.s.smate-kun had lunch yet?”

“There’s no way I’d be able to eat. I did get dragged away by you all of a sudden.”

To the best of my ability, I tried to make my annoyance apparent through my voice. With that, we had reached the shoe lockers.

“What are you going to do?”

“I’ll buy something to eat from the supermarket and head home.”

“If you don’t have anything ready right now, then let’s go eat together. My dad and mom aren’t around today, and they only left me money, you see.”

“…………”

While changing our shoes, I was thinking of rebuffing her proposal, but truth be told, I didn’t know how to answer. I couldn’t come up with a clear reason to reject her. My true feelings that I felt yesterday, that “I had a little fun” - that too stood in my way.

Having put on her outside shoes, she stood on her tiptoes and groaned as she stretched her body. Today was a little cloudy, so the sun was weaker as compared to yesterday.

“So how about it? I have a place I want to drop by before I die, you know.”

“……But it’ll be troublesome if we get seen by our cla.s.smates again.”

“Ah! That! I remember now!”

I thought her sudden increase in volume was a sign that she had become weird in the head. When I looked, her brows were knitted and she was acting all grumpy.

“Hey, Affable-Cla.s.smate-kun, you said you didn’t get along particularly well with me, right? Even though we did when we had fun on the weekend!”

“Yeah, I did say it.”

“I already mentioned it in yesterday’s message. That we should get along until I die.”

“I don’t really know about how it really is, but what I said doesn’t really matter, you know. It’s just that I can’t stand being talked to or questioned by our cla.s.smates - I’d much rather have them observe me if that’s all they’re doing.”

“Wouldn’t it be fine even if they didn’t misunderstand? What’s important is how we really are, our substance - even though you said that yesterday.”

“It’s precisely because substance is most important that it doesn’t matter even if they misunderstood.”

“We’re going around in circles huh.”

“Not to mention, I had to prevent news of your illness from getting out, so I told a meaningless lie, just like you. You should be complimenting me instead of getting angry.”

“Mmmmm!”

She had the face of a child that was thinking too much about something difficult.

“We really do go in different directions, huh.”

“Probably.”

“It’s not just for our eating habits, and it seems even more deeply rooted for this question.”

“Guess it’s just like a political question.”

Somehow, before I knew it, the mood of the girl roaring with laughter had returned to its original state. Her simplicity and sprightliness must be two of the reasons why she had many friends.

“So, what about lunch?”

“……I don’t mind going, but is this really fine? That you aren’t having fun with your other friends.”

“There’s no way that I’d make a double booking in my plans, you know. I already have a date with them tomorrow. But you’re the only one that knows about my pancreas, so I feel at ease with you.”

“Am I supposed to be like a breather for you?”

“Yup, a breather.”

“Then, for the sake of helping someone out, I guess having lunch is fine.”

“Really? Yay.”

If it was for the sake of a breather, it couldn’t be helped. Even if we were discovered by our cla.s.smates and things became troublesome, for the sake of helping someone out, it really couldn’t be helped. Even she needed a place to spill her secrets. That was why it couldn’t be helped.

I truly was a reed boat.

“Where are we going?”

I asked, and she, looking up at the sky with narrowed eyes, answered like she was dancing.

“Paradise!”

That a place called paradise could possibly exist in a world that would take away the life of a high school girl - I thought it was strange.

I started to regret following her as we entered the store. But even so, I understood how senseless it was that she was cursed. The one at fault was me. Because I’d always avoided contact with other people, and because I’d never been invited out, I didn’t realise that something was amiss. I didn’t know it was possible to find out too late that the other party’s plans differed from my own inclinations. It probably meant that my crisis-management skills were lacking.

“What’s wrong? You’re looking glum.”

The look on her face told me that not only had she noticed my discomfort, it also amused her greatly.

The answer to her question had come together pretty clearly. But since there wasn’t a single thing I could somehow use as an answer, I didn’t say anything. There was nothing I could do but make a lesson of this failure and capitalise on it the next time.

Yes, I was aware that I wasn’t the type of guy that would rejoice over being misplaced in a fancy and mellow s.p.a.ce with no one else but a girl.

“You see, the shortcakes here are really good.”

Since before we entered, I’d found her choice of location just a little bit that it was odd, but I didn’t really give it too much thought. Since I’d never came to this sort of place before, I must have let my guard down. But surely, who would have thought that a restaurant which targeted a specific gender as its customer base to this extent existed. When I saw the sales slip that the server left, I found that the box with “male” written beside it had been checked. Whether it was that male patrons were exceptionally rare, or that the price changed based on gender, I didn’t know, but I could understand either way.

If I were to hazard a guess, the type of restaurant we were in now would be a sweets buffet. Its name was “Dessert Paradise”. To me right then, a fast food restaurant would have been much closer to paradise than this.

Reluctantly, I started talking to her grinning self.

“Hey.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Stop grinning. Hey, are you trying to get yourself, or even me, overweight? This is the second day in a row we’re going to a buffet.”

“Neither. I’m just eating what I want to eat.”

“I guess that’s true. So are you going to eat sweet things until you die today?”

“Exactly. You’re okay with sweets, right?”

“I’m no good with fresh cream.”

“Such people really exist? Then just eat some chocolate cake. They’re really good, and they don’t only sell sweets, they have stuff like pasta and curry - even ‘peet-suh’ too.”

“That’s really good news, but could you stop p.r.o.nouncing pizza like that? It makes me wrinkle my nose.”

“You mean the cheese?”

I was tempted to splash water at the nose of that girl who managed to smile so smugly at her own joke. I didn’t however want to be a nuisance to others, nor trouble the waiter by making a mess, so I stopped myself. Then again, it wasn’t as though I would have done it if were at the roadside anyway.

It would be annoying to get fl.u.s.tered like she expected, so having reached this point, I put on a front like I had hardened my resolve, and went to get food together with her. Though it was a weekday afternoon, the restaurant was filled with girls from other high schools that had entered their examination period like us. After appropriately getting some carbs, some salad, a hamburg steak and some fried chicken, I returned to our seats to find her already happily seated down. On top of her plate was a large portion of sweet things. I, who didn’t really like the sweetness of western confectioneries, started to feel a little sick.

“Come to think of it, murder cases are scary, huh.”

Some tens of seconds after we began to eat, she brought up that topic.

I was relieved.

“Thank goodness, there wasn’t a single person talking about that case today, so I was starting to wonder if it was all just a dream of mine.”

“Isn’t that because no one’s interested? After all, it did happen in the countryside and not many people live there.”

“That’s a pretty heartless way of putting things, for someone like you.”

I thought it was unexpected. It’s not like I could say that I knew her, but the girl I imagined would never say something like that.

“But I’m interested though. I properly watched the news, and I even thought, ‘ah, I didn’t think this person would have died before me,’ okay!”

“I’m just asking because of that one in a million chance, but have you ever met that person?”

“Do you think I have?”

“Do you think I think so? Just forget I asked. What were you saying?”

“Hm, I am interested, but you see, it’s probably just that everyone that’s living a normal life isn’t really interested in stuff like living or dying.”

That may be the right view of things. Living life as per normal, living or dying - people that live while conscious about these things are few and far between. That’s just how reality is. The only ones that live while thinking about life and death every day are probably philosophers, priests or artists. Not to mention the girl who’s been afflicted by a grave illness, and the person that’s found out about her secret.

“Speaking of coming face-to-face with death, there’s that huh. You start to live every day thinking that you’re alive.”

“That resonates with my heart more than any other words great men have spoken.”

“Right? Haaah, if only everyone else was dying too.”

She, who stuck out her tongue, had probably said it jokingly, but I took her words pretty seriously. As is often the case with words, all of their meaning depend on the sensibilities of the listener, not the speaker.

I started eating the conservative serving of tomato pasta on the heart-shaped plate. I was a little troubled but I managed to just barely get by. Thinking about it, having meals and going home are the same. A single bite of food may have a completely different value to her than it would to me.

But of course, it wouldn’t be right to say that there was any fundamental difference. Comparing me, who could die tomorrow due to the whim of a criminal or some other incident, to her, who was to die soon because of her weakening pancreas, there shouldn’t have been a gap between the values of our meals. The only ones who could fully grasp that are probably those that have already died.

“Affable-Cla.s.smate-kun, do you have any interest in girls?”

The girl that had cream stuck to her nose said so with a silly face that didn’t indicate she had just been discussing life and death. It was amusing, so I didn’t comment on it.

“What are you saying all of a sudden?”

“Even though you seemed fl.u.s.tered for being brought along to a shop full of girls, you didn’t so much a look even when you pa.s.sed by a cute girl. I noticed it right away, you know. Are you gay?”

Somehow it seemed like she noticed that I was fl.u.s.tered. I decided to work on my acting abilities. Though it remained to be seen whether I’d make improve first or if she’d die first.

“I don’t like being in a place where I don’t belong. And I also wouldn’t do something as ill-mannered as staring at other people.”

“Looks like I’m ill-mannered.”

She puffed out her cheeks. Since the tip of her nose remained as it was, her expression became even more amusing. It was an expression that looked like it was meant specifically for showing others.

“Oh no, I’ve become ill-mannered; Affable-Cla.s.smate-kun, you said yesterday that you’ve never had any friends or a girlfriend, so I just sort of a.s.sumed that you’ve never liked anyone.”

“I don’t particularly dislike anyone either, so you could just as well say that I like everyone.”

“Yeah yeah, I got it, I got it. So have you ever liked a girl? Anyone?”

With a sigh, she stuffed her mouth with fried chicken. It seemed like she was gradually getting used to dealing with my nonsense.

“Whatever the circ.u.mstances may be, you know what unrequited love is, right?”

“……Unrequited love.”

“Like when your feelings aren’t returned.”

“That much I understand.”

“If you understand, then tell me about it already. Have you ever had an unrequited love?”

I judged that going about this in a pretentious manner would make for even more trouble. I’d be no match for her if she got angry like yesterday.

“Hmm, well, I think there was something like that, just once.”

“That, right there - what kind of girl was she?”

“And why would you want to know that?”

“Because I’m interested - you said yesterday that we were opposites, so I’ve been wondering what kind of person you’d fall for.”

I was thinking of telling her to just reverse who she was as a person in that case, but as I didn’t want to push my own system of values onto others, I didn’t say it.

“What kind of person, huh. Well, she was the type of person that used ‘san’.”

“…………san?”

She furrowed her brows, and her nose s.h.i.+fted. The cream moved along as well.

“Yeah. We were in the same cla.s.s in middle school. She was a girl that used 'san’ without fail. Bookseller-san, shopkeeper-san, fishmonger-san. Even for the novelists that appeared in textbooks. Akutagawa-san, Dazai-san, Mis.h.i.+ma-san. On top of that, she even used it on food. Like daikon-san, as she called it. Thinking about it now though, it was probably just a peculiarity; maybe she wasn’t even related to humankind. At the time, I just thought of it as never forgetting to be respectful. Or to put it differently, I thought that she was a gentle and modest person. And so, even more than for anyone else, by just a little bit, I had special feelings for her.”

Having said that in one go, I drank a mouthful of water.

“I’m not sure if this counts as unrequited love, though.”

I looked at her. Without saying even a single word, she smiled and ate the fruit-covered cake that was on her plate. Her smile deepened as she chewed, and while I was wondering what was wrong, she scratched her cheek as she looked back up at me.

“What’s wrong?”

“Naaah.”

She was fidgeting about.

“It’s just that, you see, it was even more wonderful than I thought it’d be, so I’m a little embarra.s.sed.”

“……Aah, yeah, maybe she was a wonderful girl.”

“It’s not that, I meant your reason for liking her.”

I couldn’t think of a good response, so I imitated her and brought the hamburg steak on the plate into my mouth. This was delicious too. Seemingly happy, with a smile rather than a smirk, she was looking at me.

“So what happened to that love? But that’s right, you’ve never had a girlfriend, huh.”

“Yeah. You see, that girl apparently had an appearance that looked cute to the average person too, so it happened that she was going out with a sparkly and cool popular guy in the cla.s.s.”

“Hmm, she doesn’t have an eye for people huh.”

“What do you mean?”

“Naaah, don’t mind it. I see, so even you were once a pure boy with a fleeting love, huh!”

“So, I’m just asking out of courtesy, but what about you?”

“I guess I’ve had three boyfriends up till now. But just so you know, I was serious about all of them. There are quite a few people out there that say love in middle school is just fun and games, but I think those people are just fools that aren’t even responsible in their own love for others.”

Her manner of speaking and facial expressions were both inflamed with pa.s.sion, and her breath closed in on me. I moved back a little. I wasn’t good with heat.

Incidentally, with her looks, it was pretty believable that she’d have had three boyfriends before. She didn’t wear much makeup, and while she wasn’t a head-turning beauty, her facial features were dignified.

“Hey, don’t pull away.”

“I’m not pulling away, but I think there’s a little cream on your nose?”

“Eh?” The girl who didn’t understand made an utterly silly face. If it was that face, maybe she wouldn’t have had any boyfriends. After a while, she finally noticed it and hurriedly wiped her nose with a wet wipe. Before the cream on top of her nose disappeared, I stood up from my seat. My plate was already empty.

I got myself a new plate, intending to get something sweet this time. But just as I was about to move deeper into the store, I spotted to my good fortune my favourite warabi-mochi, so I decided to appropriate some of the brown sugar syrup that sat beside the plates. After snapping out of my captivation with the art-like oozing of the brown sugar syrup, I poured myself a cup of coffee.

While thinking of how to deal with her when she was in a bad mood, I slipped through the s.p.a.ces within the crowd of high school girls to return to our seats. Contrary to my expectations however, she was in high spirits.

However, I was unable to take my place at the same seat I had been using up till just now.

Her smile deepened as she recognised me nearing the table.

Probably having noticed her expression, the person sitting on the seat that should have been mine to begin with looked my way. The surprise she felt quickly made itself apparent on her face. As for me, I felt that she was someone I had seen before.

“Sa-Sakura, and, is that, Gloomy-Looking-Cla.s.smate-kun?”

I finally remembered just who that girl, that seemed even more indomitable than her, was. If I wasn’t mistaken, she was the girl that tagged along with her pretty often. And if I remembered correctly, she was part of some sports club.

“Yup, Kyouko, why are you so surprised? Ah, Affable-Cla.s.smate-kun, this girl is my good friend, Kyouko.”

The smiling girl, her confused friend, and the cautious me who carried a plate and a cup. While I sighed in my heart that things would probably become troublesome again, I placed the cup and the warabi-mochi on the table, and sat down on an empty seat for now. For better or for worse, she and I had been shown to a table for four. Between the two girls that sat across each other, I was able to see the two of them without any conscious effort.

“Eh, but, Sakura, you get along with Gloomy-Looking-Cla.s.smate-kun?”

“Yeah, but I’m quite sure I already told Rika that we got along when she asked.”

She smiled at me a little. Her good friend seemed to grow even more confused because of her smile.

“But, I heard from Rika that you were just joking?”

“Gah, that was just Affable-Cla.s.smate-kun being misleading because he didn’t want to be bothered. I can’t believe that Rika believed him over me, I wonder where our friends.h.i.+p went.”

Close-Friend-san didn’t laugh at the words she said in jest. Instead, she shot me a questioning glance. Since my eyes accidentally met hers, I nodded my head slightly. She returned the nod. I thought that was the end of it, but as expected of a close friend of hers, she didn’t let me off with just a nod.

“Hey hey, have I ever talked to Gloomy-Looking-Cla.s.smate-kun before?”

Thinking about it, it was a rude question, but it didn’t seem like she harboured any ill will. But even if she did, I didn’t want to create a bad atmosphere.

“We’ve spoken before. When I was manning the library counter, you said something about being unable to come.”

Having heard that, the girl started to roar with laugher. “Don’t call something like that talking,” she interjected.

That’s just how you view it, I thought to myself, but even the concerned person’s supposed Close-Friend-san muttered, “I wouldn’t call that talking either.” Well, to me and to Close-Friend-san, whatever it was was a non-issue.

“Is this okay Kyouko? Aren’t your friends waiting for you at your seat?”

“Ah, yeah, it’s about time I go. Hey, Sakura, it’s not like I have any objections or anything, I’m just asking.”

Close-Friend-san stared at her face, only looking at my face just once.

“Continuing from the 11th, it’s the second time in a row, and not to mention, it’s just the two of you in a place that’s full of girls and couples. When you said you that you get along, did you mean it in that way?”

“Nope.”

Since she had so confidently made a denial, I swallowed the denial that lay at the tip of my tongue.

I couldn’t say that I liked this situation with the two of them getting worked up.

Right after letting loose a relieved expression, Close-Friend-san immediately contorted her face in dubiousness, and looked right back at me.

“So, what are you? Friends?”

“I told you already, we get along.”

“That’s enough from you Sakura, since you tend not to speak sense sometimes. Gloomy-Looking-Cla.s.smate-kun, is it right to say that you’re only friends with Sakura?”

I guess only close friends could understand her that well. I thought about how to deflect the stray bullet that had inexplicably locked onto me, and gave the most suitable reply I could muster.

“I guess we get along.”

I looked simultaneously at both their faces. One was drained and appalled, while the other was grinning from ear to ear.

Close-Friend-san gave an audible sigh. Then, with a renewed vigour, spat the line, “I’ll definitely get to the bottom of this tomorrow,” waved goodbye only to her, and left.

I wondered whether tomorrow’s date with a friend was a date with that person, and I was pleased that it was not me, but her, that would come under fire. As for the stares from my cla.s.smates that I would receive from tomorrow onwards, I’d already given up. If there wasn’t any real harm, all I had to do was turn a blind eye to it.

“Wow, who’d have thought we’d run into Kyouko huh.”

Saying those words filled with equal parts surprise and delight, she took one of my warabi-mochi, and wilfully put it in her mouth.

“I met Kyouko when I was in middle school, you see. She’s been bold like that since the very beginning, so I thought that she was a scary girl, but we got along right after we started talking. She’s a good girl,Get-Along-kun, so please get along with her too.”

“……Is it fine not to tell your close friend about your illness?”

I said so, knowing that I was raining on her parade. The girl’s heart that was coloured with positive emotions would probably turn white in a moment. Then again, it wasn’t as though I said it because I enjoyed hurting her.

It’s just that I wondered if it were really fine for her to spend her little remaining time being honest with only someone like me - that was the meaning behind my question to her. Was there really no value in spending her final days with a close friend that was so much more precious to her as compared to someone like me? Unusually for me, those were words of consideration and compa.s.sion.

“It’s fine, it’s fine! That girl is pretty emotional, so if I told her, she’d definitely cry every time we met. Spending time like that wouldn’t be very fun, right? So for my own sake, I’ve decided to hide it from everyone else till the very last minute.”

And thus with her words and expression, she had wilfully repelled the torrent I had summoned upon her. They were more than enough to leave me speechless.

There was just one last thing. Witnessing her willpower had led the question lurking within my heart since yesterday to surface - it wouldn’t do if I didn’t ask her that at the very least.

“Hey.”

“Hm? What’s up?”

“Are you really going to die?”

Her determined expression disappeared instantaneously. I immediately regretted my decision, but I didn’t have time to let my remorse linger - she quickly regained her expression, and as always, it went round and round, changing dramatically.

At first she smiled. Then her face turned into one of frustration. Then a bitter smile. Then it was anger, sorrow, and back to frustration. At last, she looked me straight in the eye and smiled.

“I’ll die.”

“……I see”

Her smile deepened as she blinked even more than usual.

“I’m going to die. I’ve already known that for many years. Thanks to advances in medical science, most of my symptoms aren’t visible on the outside, and my life expectancy has increased. But, I’ll die. They’re saying that they don’t even know if I have 1 year left.”

Even though I didn’t especially want to know or hear it, her voice resounded clearly in my ears.

“I can’t tell anyone but Get-Along-kun. You must be the only person that can give me both the truth and an everyday life. My doctor can’t give me anything but the truth. My family overreacts to every single one of my remarks, and they’ve become desperate trying to keep up appearances in my everyday life. I think my friends will definitely be the same if they found out. You’re the only one that can live an everyday life with me while knowing the truth, so it’s fun to be with you.”

It felt like I had been stabbed deep in my heart by a needle. I knew that I provided her with nothing like that. If - just if - I had to say that I provided her with anything, it was probably nothing but an escape.

“I said it yesterday too, but you’re overestimating me.”

“Even more than that, I guess we really do look like a couple, huh?”

“……What are you trying to say?”

“Nothing in particular.”

As I thought, the girl that stuffed her cheeks with chocolate cake that she had so appetisingly pierced with a fork didn’t look like a human being that was soon to die.

I realised it.

Not one human being looks like they will die someday. Even me, even the person that was killed by the criminal, even her, we were all alive yesterday. We lived without behaving like we were going to die. I see - that may be why the value of today was the same for everybody.

While I was in the middle of thinking, she admonished me.

“Don’t make such a serious face, you’re going to die in the end anyway. Let’s meet in heaven.”

“……That’s true huh.”

That was right, getting sentimental about her life would just be conceited of me. It would be arrogant to believe that there was no way I could die before her.

“That’s why you should strive to be virtuous like me.”

“That’s right, after you die, I should even become a follower of Buddha.”

“You say after I die, but if you get involved with another woman I’ll never forgive you!”

“Sorry, I was just joking with you.”

She gave her usual, hearty roar of laughter.

We stuffed ourselves till we were full. Having paid our respective bills, we left the restaurant and started to head home for the day. Since there was a little distance to walk from school to Dessert Paradise, I had originally intended to ride my bike, but because of the time it would have taken to get my bike from home, as well as the suggestion of that girl to spare the effort, we had walked here to have our meals, still in our uniforms.

The two of us trotted home on a sidewalk along a national highway, simultaneously bathing in the light of the sun that was no longer directly above us.

“The heat is good too huh. Since this may be my last summer, I have to enjoy it all I can. I wonder what we should do next. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear ‘summer’?”

“I guess that’d be a watermelon popsicle.”

She laughed. She’s always in the mood for laughing.

“Something other than watermelon popsicles?” She continued, “anything else?”

“Shaved ice.”

“They’re both ice!”

“Then what do you think of when you hear 'summer’?”

“For me, it’s definitely stuff like the sea, fireworks, festivals, and not to mention, a single summer’s adventure!”

“You’re even going to find gold?”

“Gold? Why?”

“When you say 'adventure,’ you mean going on a journey, right?”

She sighed melodramatically, shaking her head with the palms of both her hands facing upward. It was probably a gesture to show her dismay, or perhaps even an action to signal annoyance.

“It’s not just a journey. Come on, summer, adventure, you get it right?”

“So like waking up early to search for beetles.”

“I got it, Get-Along-kun is a dumb person.”

“It’s dumber to let love rule your head whenever a particular season arrives.”

“So you do understand! Gah!”

As she was being stared at while sweat dripped down her face, she quickly looked away.

“It’s hot so don’t make things more troublesome than they have to be, okay?”

“Weren’t you the one that said the heat was good too?”

“A single summer’s fleeting love. A single summer’s mistake - since I’m already a high school girl, I think it’d be nice to experience those kinds of things once or twice.”

The fleeting stuff aside, making a mistake probably wouldn’t be good.

“I’m alive, so it wouldn’t do not to fall in love.”

“You’ve already had three boyfriends in your lifetime, isn’t that enough?”

“Hey now, the heart isn’t something that speaks in numbers.”

“That seems deep at first glance, but if you think about it properly, those words don’t really make sense. To put it simply, you just still feel like making couples.”

I said those words with little thought to them, so I thought that she would have just made another joke in return, but I was wrong.

She came to a halt as though she had suddenly thought of something. I, who wasn’t given advance notice, continued to propel myself another five steps or so before finally deciding to investigate the meaning behind her actions. While I wondered whether she had found a hundred yen coin, the girl that remained rooted to the spot stared at me. She held her arms behind as her long hair fluttered in the breeze.

“What’s wrong?”

“……If I said that I felt like making couples, would you do all you could to help me?”

She looked at me with a face like she was carrying out an experiment. It seemed like she was forcing a profound expression.

The meaning of her expression, and the meaning of her words too - I, who was poor at human relations, couldn’t really understand them.

“Doing everything I can to help you - how so?”

“……Nah, it’s fine.”

The girl shook her head and began to walk once again. I stole a glance at her face as she returned to my side; her complicated expression had cleanly reset into a smile, making me all the more confounded as to what her intentions were.

“Could this be some joke about introducing your friends to me or something?”

“Nope.”

Even though I thought there could be no other conjecture, I was swiftly denied.

“Then, just what are you-”

“I told you it’s fine. This isn’t a novel, so it’d be a big mistake to think that every one of my remarks mean something. There isn’t really any meaning to it. Get-Along-kun, you need to have more contact with humans.”

“……Is that so.”

It came to the point that I was forced to comply. I couldn’t tell her that it was weird to clearly deny any meaning if there wasn’t any. It was because of my reed boat mentality. She had an air that indicated she didn’t want to continue the conversation beyond that topic - that’s what I felt. But after all, since this was based on the sensibilities of someone unfamiliar with humans, it was uncertain how reliable it was.

At a fork in the road close to school, she waved her hand and loudly proclaimed:

“Alright then, I’ll let you know when I decide on our next date!”

Choosing not to pursue the matter of her having decreed my unconditional and ignorant partic.i.p.ation in her plans, I turned my back to her waving hand. Perhaps, I had already adopted the mindset of licking the plate clean having tasted the poison.

I thought about it even after we parted ways, but in the end, I still couldn’t understand her words and her expression from that time.

It was probably something I wouldn’t understand till I died.

The “Disease Coexistence Journal” is, in essence, her will - that is what I believe. In that unused paperback, she writes about the everyday things she saw and felt, leaving them behind. Evidently, it seemed that this method of recording had rules unique to her.

I couldn’t say I knew any for certain, but was fairly sure of a few that I had observed. Firstly, she wasn’t simply recording her day-to-day experiences. Days where she saw something special, days where she felt something special - within the “Disease Coexistence Journal”, she compiled only things that were of value in leaving behind after her own death.

Secondly, she chose not to leave behind non-textual information in the “Disease Coexistence Journal”. It seemed she thought that things like drawings or graphs didn’t fit in a paperback, deciding only to handwrite with a black ball pen for the “Disease Coexistence Journal”.

Lastly, she decided that she wouldn’t show anyone the “Disease Coexistence Journal” until she died. With the exception of me having seen the very first page due to a force majeure even more so than her blunder, no one else had seen her life’s records. Apparently, it seems she told her parents to release it to all her loved ones after she died. Whatever its present purpose, those around her would receive her message after she died, thus making it something akin to her will.

But even though n.o.body should have been able to influence those records nor be affected by them until she died, just once, I gave her my opinion on the “Disease Coexistence Journal”.

It was regarding my name - I didn’t want it to appear in the “Disease Coexistence Journal”. It was simply because I didn’t want to receive any unnecessary scrutiny or criticism from her parents and friends after her death. In the midst of our Library Committee work, she had remarked that “various people appear inside” regarding the “Disease Coexistence Journal”. It was then that I formally requested the omission of my name. Her answer was, “I’m the one writing so that’s up to me.” I swallowed whatever more I words I had. “If you say you don’t like it, it makes me want to do it even more,” she added. I gave up about the trouble that would arise after my cla.s.smate’s death.

With that said, my name had probably already been written down together with the matters of the yakinku and sweets, but for the two days after we had went to Dessert Paradise, my name shouldn’t have appeared in the “Disease Coexistence Journal”.

The reason was that in those two days, I hadn’t exchanged a single word with her at school. It wasn’t weird or anything, since we had always done our own thing in cla.s.s. Instead, it could be said that those days adorned by the yakiniku and sweets were the irregular ones.

I attended school, took tests, and quietly returned home. I often felt the stares of her good friend and those from that group, but I determined that there was no need for me to go out of my way to be affected by them.

Nothing truly special happened in these two days. If I was forced to pick something, there were only two minor incidents, the first of which - while silently sweeping the corridor, a guy that normally didn’t even so much as look at me had come to talk to me.

“Yo, Plain-Cla.s.smate, are ya dating Yamauchi?”

His pretty inelegant manner of speaking had a sort of freshness to it. I suspected that it may have been the case that he carried some affection for her, and in turn was illogically angry at me, but his appearance suggested otherwise. Judging by his face, he wasn’t the slightest bit upset, and in fact had some air of misplaced glee about him. He must have been one of those frivolous people that were like bundles of curiosity.

“No, absolutely not.”

“That so? But the both of ya had dessert right?”

“We just happened to have a meal together.”

“What’s with that?”

“Why are you interested?”

“Hm? Ah, don’t tell me ya think I like Yamauchi? No way! Look, I like girls that are more refined.”

Even though I didn’t ask, he continued to blabber on nonchalantly. It seemed that the only thing we could agree on was that she wasn’t refined.

“I see, so we had the wrong idea, but everyone in cla.s.s is clamouring ‘bout it ya know.”

“It’s all a misunderstanding, so I don’t mind it.”

“How mature, ya want some gum?”

“Not really. Could you hold the dustpan for me?”

“Leave it to me.”

He was flaky, and always skipped out on cleaning duty, so I thought he’d turn me down. Unexpectedly however, he helpfully held onto the dustpan for me. Perhaps he didn’t understand the concept of clean-up time, and had someone taught him, he’d have been willing to do it properly.

He didn’t pursue the matter any further than that. This was the first incident that happened within those two days that was irregular to me.

Having a conversation with a cla.s.smate wasn’t that bad, but while the next irregularity was trivial, it put me into somewhat of a melancholic mood. The bookmark that should have been sandwiched within my paperback had gone missing. Though I fortunately remembered the scene I had read up to, it wasn’t something that was distributed for free at bookshops and the like; it was something made out of thin plastic that I had bought when I went to the museum previously. I didn’t know when it went missing, but in any case, even though I wasn’t the least bit bitter that my own carelessness was the root cause, I felt down for the first time in a while.

But though I was feeling down about something that was ultimately superficial, those two days were normal for me. And since the norm for me was tranquility, in other words, I hadn’t been haunted by the girl who was close to death.

The beginning of the end of regularity began on Wednesday night; I was enjoying the last of “normalcy” when I received a single message.

No matter how much I hoped and wished, nothing could change the fact that at that time, I hadn’t noticed the signs of abnormality beginning - it was probably because I was a character. Even in novels, the only ones that knew the setting of the first chapter were the readers. The characters themselves don’t know a single thing.

The message’s contents were as such:

“Good job with the tests! We’re getting a day off from the tests tomorrow, right [smiley face] To get right to the point, will you be free? You’ll be free anyway right? I’m thinking of going on a trip on the train! [peace sign] Anywhere you want to go?”

Her making a.s.sumptions about people’s circ.u.mstances sort of ruined my mood, but she hit the bull’s-eye when she said I was free, and I didn’t have any reason to turn her down, so I replied, “I’m fine with going anywhere you want to go to before you die.”

Of course, this would later come back to bite me in the neck. I simply should have known better than to leave the decision-making to her.

And so, the message specifying the place and time soon followed. The rendezvous point was a large and prominent train station within the prefecture, and the time was peculiarly early, but I wrote it off as just another one of her many whims.

I replied with a message containing just 11 characters, and she responded with the last message I received that day.

“You definitely can’t break this promise okay?”

No matter how much we opposed each other, I fundamentally never broke promises, so I replied with a final “alright” and left my cell phone on my desk.

As a spoiler, the word “promise” was the crux of the girl’s trick. Actually, perhaps it was only I who had interpreted it as a trick. I had thought that the “promise” she mentioned referred to our outing tomorrow. I was wrong. Her “promise” referred to my slip of the tongue - “I’m fine with going anywhere you want to go to before you die.”

The next day, I headed to our meeting place early in the morning and found her already waiting there. She was carrying a sky blue backpack that she usually didn’t bring along, and wearing a straw hat that she usually didn’t put on - she looked as though she were leaving on a journey.

Even before we exchanged greetings, she was shocked at my appearance.

“You’re dressed too lightly! Is that all you’re carrying? What about your change of clothes?”

“…………Change of clothes?”

“Hmm, well, I guess you can just buy some over there. Seems like there’ll be a Uniqlo.”

“Over there? Uniqlo?”

That was the first time I felt signs of unease in my heart.

Treating my misgivings and questions like wind on her ears, she looked at her watch and responded with the question - “have you eaten breakfast?”

“It wasn’t very filling, but I had bread.”

“I haven’t eaten. Is it fine if we get something?”

I thought that there wasn’t any particular issue with that, so I a.s.sented. She grinned and started to head towards her destination in large strides. I was thinking that we were headed to a convenience store, but we arrived at a bento store instead.

“Huh, you’re getting a railway bento?”

“Yeah, it’s for eating on the s.h.i.+nkansen. Are you getting one too?”

“Wait wait wait wait wait.”

I grabbed the upper arm of the girl that was happily admiring the bentos lined up on the display, and pulled her away from the cas.h.i.+er. The granny at the register had been smiling pleasantly as she glanced at the girl, but when their eyes met a second time, the girl wore a shocked expression, giving the granny a shock too.

“That should be my expression.”

“What’s wrong?

"s.h.i.+nkansen? Railway bento? Explain properly - what exactly are we doing today?”

“Like I said, we’re going on a trip on the train.”

“So by 'train’, you meant the s.h.i.+nkansen? And when you say 'trip’, just how far do you mean for us to go?”

After making a face that said she finally remembered something, she plunged her hand into her pocket and took out two rectangular pieces of paper. I immediately understood that they were tickets.

She pa.s.sed me a ticket, and having taken a look at it, my eyes spread wide open.

“Um, is this a joke?”

She chortled. It seemed like she was serious.

“It says we’re not going somewhere for a day trip, so it seems like we can still rethink this.”

“…………No, no, Get-Along-kun, you got it wrong.”

“What a relief, so it really was a joke.”

“That’s not it, we’re not going for just a day trip.”

“…………Huh?”

Notwithstanding the futility of the entire exercise, our conversation from this point on flowed in such a way that I ended up overpowered. For the sake of convenience, a large part of it would hence be omitted.

She a.s.serted herself, and while I tried to persuade her otherwise, she played her trump card - yesterday’s messages. Thus exploited was my intention to never break a promise.

Before I realised it, I was already riding on the s.h.i.+nkansen.

“Haaah.”

While staring at the flowing scenery from the window seat, I was lost on whether I should accept being thrust into the present situation. Beside me, the girl was enjoying her mixed rice.

“This is my first time going on a trip like this! Get-Along-kun, have you done something like this before?”

“Nope.”

“You can relax you know, since I’ve properly bought travel magazines for today’s sake.”

“Ah, is that so.”

Even reed boats should have a limit somewhere; I frowned at myself.

Incidentally, just like the yakiniku, the money for the s.h.i.+nkansen tickets came from her purse. She told me not to mind, but it wouldn’t do not to repay her, even if it was at the cost of the dignity of a human like me.

While wondering whether it was time to get a part-time job, an orange was shoved right before my eyes.

“Want some?”

“……Thanks.”

I received the orange and wordlessly began to peel its skin.

“You’ve got no energy at all, huh. Don’t tell me you feel like getting off?”

“No, I’m staying onboard. For your plans, and the s.h.i.+nkansen too. And I’m reflecting on my decision to do so.”

“What a downer, you’ve got to be more cheery when travelling!”

“Though it seems more like an abduction than a trip to me.”

“If you’re going to keep reflecting on yourself, you should just look at me instead.”

“And exactly what do you mean by saying that?”

Once again treating my words like the wind, she closed the lid on the railway bento she was done with, and tied a rubber band around it. Her nimble hand movements gave off a sense that she was a living human.

I discouraged myself from putting into words the difference in the sense of reality she emanated and the actual reality, and proceeded to silently eat the orange one wedge at a time. She had bought the oranges from a kiosk, but they were unexpectedly sweet and succulent. I took a look outside and saw the rural landscape spread out into the distance - a scene which I normally wouldn’t have seen. I spotted a scarecrow in the field, and for some reason, that made me resign myself to the fact that there was no longer any point in resisting.

“By the way, Get-Along-kun, what’s your first name?”

It was a sudden question from the girl comparing local specialties in her travel magazine beside me. Looking at the green of the mountains had calmed me down, so I responded to her query straightforwardly. Even though my name wasn’t even that unusual, she was nodding her head with great interest. Following which, she whispered my full name to herself.

“Wasn’t there a novelist with a name like yours?”

“That’s right, though I don’t know which one you thought of.”

Using my own first and last names as a base, two authors came to mind.

“Could this be the reason you like novels?”

“That’s not far off the truth. I did start reading because of that, but I like books because I think they’re interesting.”

“Hmmm, so you have the same name as your favourite author?”

“Nope. My favourite is Osamu Dazai.”

Seemingly somewhat surprised at hearing the name of a literary master, her eyes spread wide open.

“By Osamu Dazai, you mean the one that wrote 'No Longer Human’?”

“That’s right.”

“So you like gloomy books like that, huh.”

“It’s true that Osamu Dazai’s brooding nature comes through the atmosphere of his books, but words can’t be dismissed just because they’re gloomy you know.”

It was rare of me to be speaking so enthusiastically, but she could only respond with a pout, seemingly disinterested.

“Hmm, well, guess it just doesn’t engage me.”

“Seems like you aren’t really interested in literature, huh.”

“Yeah, not really. I read manga though.”

Just like I had expected. It wasn’t a matter of good or bad, I just couldn’t imagine her patiently reading a novel. Even for manga, if she was at home, she’d probably be reading it while loafing around her room and making noises at every little thing.

It couldn’t be helped that my conversation partner wasn’t interested in what I had to say, so I asked her something that I was curious about.

“Your parents are pretty okay with you travelling huh. What did you do?”

“I told them that I was travelling with Kyouko. If I told my parents that I had one last thing I wanted to do, they’d most likely agree to it in tears, but as expected of travelling with a boy - I can’t tell how they’d react.”

“You’re really horrible huh, trampling on your parents’ feelings.”

“Speaking of which, what about you? What sort of excuse did you give your parents?”

“Since I didn’t want to worry my parents, I’ve been lying to them about having friends. So I told them that I was staying at a friend’s house.”

“That’s horrible, but how lonesome.”

“But couldn’t you say that no one got hurt?”

She shook her head in dismay and proceeded to retrieve another magazine from the backpack placed next to her feet. What an att.i.tude for the culprit that had forced me to lie to the parents I loved. Seeing that she had engrossed herself with her magazine, I seized the opportunity to conjure a paperback from my sling bag, and began to focus on that instead Worn out by the extraordinary amount of noise she had been making since morning, I wanted nothing but to surrender myself to the story and let my heart be healed.

While thinking about things like that, it suddenly dawned upon me that I was practically tempting fate to let her disrupt my peace; it was a certain someone’s fault that I had become completely paranoid. Thankfully, my precious time pa.s.sed without any distractions. I concentrated on my novel for close to an hour before I reached a good place to stop. It was then when I suddenly became aware of the peace I had managed - but never expected - to grasp. I looked to my side to see the girl soundly asleep, magazine resting on her stomach.

The sight of her sleeping face enticed me to doodle on her healthy-looking skin that betrayed no signs of a serious illness, but I ultimately decided against it.

Thereafter, she didn’t awaken the rest of the way. Nor did she wake up even after the s.h.i.+nkansen had arrived at our station.

If I had to say it, it looked as though her short life had ended on the s.h.i.+nkansen, but the truth was that she was simply impossibly hard to awaken - it wasn’t an omen, and it wasn’t really a misunderstanding either. I gently poked her cheeks and pinched her nose, but she just groggily moved away and made no signs of waking up. As a last resort, I shot a rubber band in my possession at the back of her defenceless hand - she jumped out of her seat in an overreaction.

“You could have just called me awake or something!” She said as she punched me in the shoulder. Even though I had went through all the trouble to wake her up - unbelievable.

Fortunately, this was the s.h.i.+nkansen’s final stop, so we were able to grab our bags and take our time alighting.

“Our first landing! Waaah! I can smell ramen!”

“Isn’t that as expected of your imagination?”

“I definitely smell it! Isn’t it your nose that’s rotten?”

“I’m just grateful that my brain isn’t rotten like yours.”

“It’s my pancreas that’s rotten though.”

“I’m a coward, so let’s ban that deathblow from now on. It’s not fair.”

While laughing, she said, “What if we made Get-Along-kun a deathblow too?” But I didn’t have any plans to contract a serious illness in the near future, so I politely turned her down.

We took a long escalator down from the platform to a floor where the souvenir shop and the rest area were located. The s.p.a.ce seemed to have been newly renovated - it got full marks for cleanliness and left me with a favourable impression.

We took another escalator to get to the ground floor, and we finally reached the ticket gates. An unexpected sensation a.s.saulted me the moment I stepped out, so much so that I doubted my own senses. Like she had said earlier, I could smell ramen. Amazing - perhaps it really was true then, that he in the urban prefectures could smell sauce, while he in the rural prefectures could smell udon. I’d never been to either, so I couldn’t deny the possibility, but who would have thought that a single dish could permeate the everyday lives of humans to this extent?

Even without looking at the face of the girl standing beside me, I knew that she was definitely snickering at me, so I absolutely refused to look.

“So, where are we going?”

“Hehehehehehehehe, huh?”

How annoying.

“Ah, where are we going? We’re going to meet the G.o.d of Studies. But before that, we’re getting lunch.”

Speaking of which, my stomach did feel empty.

“As I thought, it’s gotta be ramen, how about it?”

“No objections.”

Amidst the bustle of the station, I traced her large strides at my own comfortable pace. We were apparently headed for some shop she had read about in the magazine while on the s.h.i.+nkansen. Her gait showed neither sign of pause nor hesitation. We descended underground, exiting the station for an underground street, and found ourselves standing in front of the ramen store far sooner than expected. As we neared the store, its distinctive scent of ramen broth thickened, and though I wasn’t really put off, there were copies of a page from a famous gourmet manga promoting this shop plastered onto its outer wall. But it didn’t seem to be a weird shop, so I was relieved.

The ramen was delicious. The food arrived quickly upo