Shakespeare Jest-Books Part 15

-- _In a certayne_ towne there was a wife somewhat aged, that had beryed _her husbande_, whose name was John, whome she so tend_erlye loued in his_ lyfe, that after hys dethe she caused an ymage of tymber _to be made in forme_ and persone as lyke to hym as coulde be; whiche ymage _she kept carefully_ under her bedde; and euery nyghte she caused her mayde to _wrap the ymage in a shete_ and lay it in her bedde; and called it olde John. Thys _widowe had_ a prentyse whose name was John; whiche John wolde fayne _haue married hys_ maystres, nat for no great pleasure, but onely for her good _substance: for she_ was ryche. Wherefore he ymagened howe he myght obtayne hys _desire and so dyd_ speke to the mayde of the house, and desyred her to lay hym in hys maystres bedde for one nyghte in stede of the pycture,[141] and promysed her a good rewarde for her laboure; whyche mayde ouer nyghte wrapped the sayde younge man in a shete, and layde hym in his maysters bedde, as she was wonte to laye the pycture. Thys wydowe was wonte euery nyght, before she slepte and dyuers tymes whan she waked, to kysse the sayde pycture of olde John: wherefore the sayde nyghte she kyssed the sayde yonge man, beleuynge that she hadde kyste the picture. And he sodenly sterte,[142]

and toke her in his armes, and so well pleased her than, that olde John from thens forth was clene out of her mynde, and [she] was contente that this yonge John shulde lye with her styll all that nyghte, and that the pycture of olde John shulde lye styll under the bedde for a thynge of noughte. After thys in the mornynge, thys wydowe, intendynge to please this yonge John whyche had made her so good pastyme all the nyght, bad her mayde go dresse some good mete for their brekefast to feaste therwith her yonge John. This mayde, whan she had longe sought for wode to dresse the sayde mete, told her maystres that she coude fynde no wode that was drye, except onelye the pycture of olde John that lyeth under the bed. * * * * * * * *

_Some lines wanting._

and dressyd the brekfast; and so olde John _was brenyd; and_ from thens forth yong John occupyed _his place_.

FOOTNOTES:

[141] Not here put as a painting, but in a general sense, as a representation.

[142] The old perfect of _start_. The orig. reads _starte_.

-- _Of the courtear that ete the hot custarde._ xcvii.

-- A certayne merchaunt and a courtear, _being upon a time together_ at dyner hauing a hote custerd, _the courtear being_ somwhat homely of maner toke _parte of it and put it_ in hys mouth, whych was so hote that made him _shed teares. The_ merchaunt, lokyng on him, thought that he had _ben weeping, and asked hym why_ he wept. This curtear, not wyllynge [it] to be kn_own that he had brent his_ mouth with the hote custerd, answered and said, sir: q_uod he, I had_ a brother whych dyd a certayn offence wherfore he was hanged; _and, chauncing_ to think now vppon his deth, it maketh me to wepe. This merchaunt thought the courtear had said trew, and anon after the merchaunt was disposid to ete _of the custerd_, and put a sponefull of it in his mouth, and brent his mouth also, that his _eyes watered_. This courtear, that perceuyng, spake to the merchaunt and seyd: sir, quod _he, pray_ why do ye wepe now? The merchaunt perseyued how he had _bene deceiued_ and said[143]: mary, quod he, I wepe, because thou wast not hangid, _when that_ thy brother was hangyd.

-- _Of the thre pointes belonging to a shrewd wyfe._ xcix.

-- A yong man, that was desirous to haue a wyf, cam to a company _of Phi_losofers which were gadred to gider, requiring them to gif _him their opinion_ howe he might chose him sich a wyf that wer no shrew.

Th_ese Philos_ofers with gret study and delyberacion determinid and shewd this man that there _were iii espe_cial pointes, wherebi he shuld sure know if a woman were a shrew. The _i point is_ that if a woman have a shril voyce, it is a gret token that she is a shrew. The ii point is that, if a woman have a sharp nose, then most commenly she is a shrew.

_The_ iii point that neuer doth mis is[144] that if she were [a]

kerchefer,[145] ye may be sure she is a shrew.

FOOTNOTES:

[143] Singer inserts _answered_ before _and said_; but the word does not appear to be required.

-- _Of the man that paynted the lamb upon his wyfes bely._ c.

-- A Conning painter ther was dwelling in London, which had a fayre yong wife, and for thingis that he had to do went ouer se; but because he was somwhat jelous, he praed his wyfe to be content, that he might paint a lamb upon her bely, and praed her it might remain ther, til he cam home again; wherewith she was content. After which lamb so painted he departid; and sone after that, a l.u.s.ti yong merchaunt, a bacheler, came and woed his wyf, and obteined her fauor, so that she was content he shuld lye with her; which resortid to her and had his plesure oftymes; and on a time he toke a pensell, and to the lamb he painted ii h.o.r.n.ys, wening to the wif that he had but refreshed the old painting. Than at the last, about a yere after, her husband cam home again, and the first night he lay with his wyfe, he loked uppon his wifes bely, and saw the ii hornes painted there. He said to his wif, that some other body had ben besy there, and made a new painting: for the picture that he painted had no hornes and this hath hornes; to whome this wif shortly * *

_cetera desunt._

_Here endeth the booke of a C. mery Talys. Imprinted at London at the sygne of the meremayde at powlys gate nexte to chepesyde._

-- _c.u.m priuelegio Regali._

FOOTNOTES:

[144] Orig. reads _the iii point is that never mis that, &c._

[145] A very costly article of female dress during the reigns of the Tudor and Stuart sovereigns. It const.i.tuted part of the head-gear, and from the way in which it was worn by some women, was calculated to convey a notion of skittishness. In the _New Courtly Sonet of the Lady Greensleeves_, printed in Robinson's "Handful of Pleasant Delites,"

1584, the lover is made to say to his mistress:--

"I bought three kerchers to thy head, That were wrought fine and gallantly: I kept thee both at board and bed, Which cost my purse well-favourdly."

ADDITIONAL NOTES AND ILl.u.s.tRATIONS.

A C. MERY TALYS.

Introduction, vi.--I might have mentioned that Taylor the Water-Poet cites _The Hundred Merry Tales_ as one of the authorities employed by him in the composition of his _Sir Gregory Nonsense His Newes from No Place_, 1622 (Taylor's Works, 1630), and see also Epistle Dedicatory to Meredith's _Eusebius_, 1577.

P. 19.--This story is found in the _Ducento Novelle_ of Celio Malespini, printed at Venice, 1609, 4o.

P. 22. _Of the Woman that sayd her Woer cam too late._

"If thou be slow to speake, as one I knew, Thou wouldst a.s.sure thy selfe my counsels true; Hee (too late) finding her upon her knees In Church, where yet her husbands coorse she sees, Hearing the Sermon at his funerall, Longing to behold his buriall, This sutor being toucht with inward love, Approached neare his lovely sute to move, Then stooping downe he whispered in her eare Saying he bore her love, as might appeare, In that so soone he shewed his love unto her, Before any else did app[r]och to woo her, Ala.s.s (said she) your labour is in vaine, Last night a husband I did entertaine."

--_Uncasing of Machivils Instructions to his Sonne_, 1612, Sign. C 3. Stories of this kind are of very common occurrence in the modern collections of facetiae.

P. 23. "When Davie Diker diggs, and dallies not, When smithes shoo horses, as they would be shod, _When millers toll not with a golden thumbe_."

--_The Steel Glas, a Satyre_, by George Gascoigne, Esquire (1576), Sign.

H 3 verso.

A writer in the _Retrospective Review_, New Series, ii. 326, states that this story of the "Miller with the golden thumb" "is still (1854) a favourite in Yorks.h.i.+re."

P. 30. _Stumble at a Straw, &c._--This proverb is quoted in _Machivils Instructions to his Sonne_, 1613, p. 16.

P. 35. _Of the good man that sayd to his wyfe. &c._

"Dr. _South_, visiting a gentleman one morning, was ask'd to stay Dinner, which he accepted of; the Gentleman stept into the next Room and told his Wife, and desired she'd provide something extraordinary.

Hereupon she began to murmer and scold, and make a thousand Words; till at length, Her husband, provok'd at her Behaviour, protested, that if it was not for the Stranger in the next Room, he would kick her out of Doors. Upon which the Doctor, who heard all that pa.s.sed, immediately stept out, crying, _I beg, Sir, you'll make no Stranger of me_."

--_Complete London Jester_, ed. 1771, p. 73.

P. 44. _Draughthole._--See Dekker's _Guls' Horn Book_, 1609, ed. Nott, p. 121-2-3.

P. 47. _Saynte Thomas of Acres._