The Funny Philosophers Part 51

"The young lady should beware of his hug," said Tom.

"The pair forcibly remind one of the old story of Beauty and the Beast,"

said the Professor.

"Hercules and the damsel with whom he is dancing require an immense amount of sea-room," said Toney.

"Heads up!" exclaimed Tom. And, as he uttered this exclamation, the s.h.i.+p, which had been running on an even keel, gave a sudden lurch to the larboard, upsetting all the fun in an instant, and spoiling the poetry of motion.

"Ah, then and there was hurrying to and fro,"

and Hercules pitched headforemost with his partner into a bunk. The indignant damsel arose and gave utterance to a wish the literal fulfillment of which would have found Hercules, poor fellow! sadly in need of the aid of an experienced oculist.

After the ceremony of a general prostration there was a tumultuous rush for the companion-ladder. The Professor reached the deck, after having inadvertently perpetrated the atrocious outrage of tearing away a considerable portion of female finery from the person of a fair damsel who was boldly mounting ahead, and who bestowed upon him sundry benedictions of singular import. The first object he beheld was M. T.

Pate on his knees in an att.i.tude of supplication.

"What's the matter, Mr. Pate?" exclaimed the Professor.

"Now I lay me down to sleep!" e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed Pate, with extreme fervor.

"What has happened?" cried Tom Seddon.

"Now I lay me down to sleep!" reiterated Pate.

"No time for praying! You had better cut your yarn short and lay hold on a rope," said the mate, in emphatic terms by no means in unison with Pate's devotional sentiments.

"What's broke loose?" said Toney.

"The s.h.i.+p has been taken aback!" cried the mate. And he rushed forward and commenced kicking old Tim, who was lying supinely on his back in a condition of somnolency.

The crew had been inspired with patriotic emotions equal to those of the pa.s.sengers, and, while getting up water from below, had discovered a case of brandy, and secretly conveyed it to the forecastle. Here the mult.i.tude of libations in honor of the father of his country had been productive of serious consequences.

In the course of the evening the mate saw approaching one of those sudden squalls so common in those lat.i.tudes, and ordered all hands aloft. But he might as well have been issuing his orders to the inmates of a bedlam. There lay Timothy on the deck, a picture of perfect repose and innocent tranquillity. Peter and Paul were engaged in a hot controversy with Old Nick, whose youthful namesake was occupied with certain saltatory movements on the top of the forecastle. Just then the squall struck the s.h.i.+p and nearly carried the lee-rail under. In an instant the instincts of the sailor were aroused, and all had an idea that something was to be done; but there was a strange want of unanimity in reference to the measures proper to be adopted. Forth rushed the captain from his cabin; but his occupation was gone. There stood Old Nick, giving orders vociferously, evidently under the impression that he had been recently promoted and was an admiral of the _blue_. This daring usurper was finally disposed of by the second mate, who put himself in the att.i.tude of a shoulder-striker and laid him at his length in an undignified position in the lee-scupper.

It was then that the dancers from the ball-room rushed upon deck.

These--ladies and all--laid hold on the ropes; and under the direction of the officers the canvas was taken in, and the vessel was relieved from her perilous situation and brought before the wind.

"Great praise is due to the petticoats," said the Professor, "who, by laying aside their modesty and climbing into the rigging, materially a.s.sisted in saving the s.h.i.+p."

"The women have behaved like men," said Toney.

"Let us drink their health," said Tom.

"That proposition is carried unanimously," said Toney. And they proceeded to the cabin and toasted the ladies over a bottle of wine.

CHAPTER x.x.xVIII.

"Mr. Pate seems to be profoundly meditating upon the immensity of the water contained in the ocean," said the Professor, one afternoon, as he pointed to Pate, who was leaning over the bulwarks apparently in a condition of mental abstraction.

"It is probable that he is now calculating how long a period it would take to pump the Atlantic dry," said Toney.

"Land ho!" cried a loud voice in the direction of the forecastle.

There was a general rush forward at this announcement; and on the bow stood Peter, pointing with extended arm to some object which he a.s.serted was land. But n.o.body could see it except himself; and Moses soon became skeptical, and finally declared that the fellow was a fool. This he demonstrated from the fact that Peter kept pointing to a dim cloud, about as big as the crown of his hat, with the absurd affirmation that it was _terra firma_. The opinion of Moses was warmly supported by M. T.

Pate and others, who promulgated it with considerable emphasis. But Peter still stood at his post pointing prophetically afar off, and he now had Old Nick at his elbow, who stoutly corroborated all that he had uttered.

In the mean while the vessel, borne along by the breeze, kept steadily on her way, and the little cloud loomed larger on the horizon, and gradually grew more and more distinct. The almost imperceptible shade deepened into a substantial blue, and finally brightened into a beautiful green, and Cape Frio became plainly visible.

The prospect of soon getting on sh.o.r.e caused much excitement in the cabin, after supper, and considerable conviviality.

After partaking of several gla.s.ses of wine, the Professor turned to Toney and Tom, and gravely remarked,--

"We are informed, by the highest authority on the subject, that there is a very great difference between _ebrius_ and _ebriolus_. It is not becoming in one of the Funny Philosophers to be anything more than _ebriolus_. Let us leave these devotees of Bacchus to their orgies in honor of the G.o.d of the grape, and go upon deck."

"Come!" said Toney. "I have no wish to carry a headache on sh.o.r.e with me to-morrow."

"Nor I," said Tom, ascending the companion-ladder.

They walked forward until they came to the cook's galley, when the Professor stopped suddenly and exclaimed, pointing to a hog which had been butchered and hung up with its head downward,--

"Here has been a b.l.o.o.d.y deed!"

"Not a homicide?" said Toney.

"No; a suicide," said Tom.

"Let your puns be in plain English," said the Professor.

"Latin puns are too obscure," said Toney.

"Mr. Seddon must atone for this offense by doing penance," said the Professor.

"In what way?" asked Tom.

"You must immediately climb into the rigging and run a rope around the foretop-gallant yard," said the Professor.

"What's your purpose?" asked Toney.

"To suspend this deceased porker from the masthead," said the Professor.

"We will have fun," said Tom.

"Fun is the true philosophy of life," said the Professor.