The Story of My Life Part 7

Another week is gone, eternally gone! What account can I give to my Almighty Judge for my conduct and opportunities? Has my improvement kept pace with the panting steeds of unr.e.t.a.r.ded time? Must I give an account of every idle word, thought, and deed? Oh, merciful G.o.d!

if the most righteous, devoted, and holy scarcely are saved, where stall I appear? How do my vain thoughts, and unprofitable conversation, swell heaven's register? Where is my watchfulness!

Where are my humility, purity, and hatred of sin? Where is my zeal?

Alas! alas! they are things unpractised, unfelt, almost unknown to me. How little do I share in the toils, the labours, or the sorrows of the righteous, and consequently how little do I partic.i.p.ate in their confidence, their joys, their heavenly prospects? Oh, may these awful considerations drive me closer to G.o.d, and incite to a more diligent improvement of my precious time, so that I may bear the mark of a real follower of Christ!

_Aug. 22nd.--Sabbath._--When I arose this morning I endeavoured to dedicate myself afresh to G.o.d in prayer, with a full determination to improve the day to his glory, and to spend it in his service.

Accordingly, I spent the morning in prayer, reading, and meditation; but when I came to mingle with the worldly-minded, my devotions and meditations were dampened and distracted, my thoughts unprofitable and vain. I attended a Methodist Cla.s.s-meeting where I felt myself forcibly convinced of my shortcomings. Sure I am that unless I am more vigilant, zealous, and watchful, I shall never reach the Paradise of G.o.d. I must be willing to bear reproach for Christ's sake, confess him before men, or I never can be owned by him in the presence of his Father, and the holy angels.

Merciful G.o.d! forbid that I should barter away my heavenly inheritance for a transient gleam of momentary joy, and the empty round of worldly pleasure:

"Help me to watch and pray, And on thyself rely, a.s.sured if I my trust betray, I shall forever die."

_Aug. 23rd._--I have been abundantly prospered in my studies to-day; and have been enabled to maintain an outward conformity in my conduct. But alas! how blind to my own interest, to deprive myself of the highest blessings and exalted honours the Almighty has to bestow. Oh, Lord! help me henceforth to be wise unto salvation. May I be sober and watch unto prayer! Amen.

_Aug. 24th._--Through the mercy of G.o.d I have been enabled in a good degree to overcome my besetments, and have this day maintained more consistency in conversation and conduct. Still I feel too much deterred by the fear of man, and thirst too ardently for the honours of the world. Merciful G.o.d! give me more grace, wisdom, and strength, that I may triumphantly overcome and escape to heaven at last!

I shall finish the first book of the Georgics to-day, which is the seventh day since I commenced them. I expect to finish them in four weeks from this time. My mind improves, and I feel much encouraged.

My labour is uniform and constant, from the dawn of day till near eleven at night. I have not a moment to play on the flute.

_Aug. 25th._--There is nothing like implicit trust in the Almighty for a.s.sistance, protection, and a.s.surance! His past dispensations and dealings with me leave not the least suspicion of his inviolable veracity, and his efficacious promises cheer the sadness, calm the fears of every soul that practically reposes in and seeks after him. The truth of this, blessed be G.o.d, I have in some measure experienced to-day. Help me, O Lord, with increasing grace to attain still more sublime enjoyments and triumphant prospects!

_Aug. 26th._--I feel a growing indifference to worldly pleasures, and increasing love to G.o.d, to holiness, and heaven. Entire confidence in a superintending Providence heals the wounded heart of even the disconsolate widow, and gives the oil of joy for sorrow, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.

_Aug. 27th._--This day I attended a funeral; those connected with it were very ignorant; how strikingly this showed to me the advantages of a good education. G.o.d forbid that I should idle away my golden moments. Help me to choose the better part, and honour G.o.d in all things!

_Aug. 28th._--The labours of another week are ended; during it I have enjoyed much of the presence of G.o.d; surely the religion of Christ dazzles all the magnificence of human glory; were I only to regard the happiness of this life, I would embrace its doctrines, practice its laws, and exert my influence for its extension.

_Aug. 29th.--Sabbath._--The blessings of the Lord have abundantly surrounded me this day, and my heart has been enlarged.

_Aug. 30th._--In observing my actions and words this day, I find I have done many things that are culpable; and yet, blessed be G.o.d, his goodness to me is profuse. Help me to watch and pray that I enter not into temptation.

_Aug. 31st._--How many youths around me do I see trifling away the greatest part of their time, and profaning their Maker's name? My soul magnifies His name that I have decided to be on the Lord's side; how many evils have I escaped; how many blessings obtained; what praise enjoyed, through the influence of this religion. To G.o.d be all the glory!

_September 1st._--In no subject can we employ our thoughts more profitably than on the atonement of Christ, and justification through his merits. With wonder we gaze on the love of Deity; with profound awe we behold a G.o.d descending from heaven to earth.

Unbounded love! Unmeasured grace! And while in deep silence his death wraps all nature; while his yielding breath rends the temple and shakes earth's deep foundations; may my redeemed soul in silent rapture tune her grateful song aloft; and fired by this blood-bought theme, may I mend my pace towards my heavenly inheritance!

I generally close up the labours of the day by writing a short essay or theme on some religious subject. In doing this I have two objects in view: the improvement of my mind and heart. And what could be more appropriate than to close the day by reflection upon G.o.d, and heaven, and time, and eternity? No private employment, except that of prayer, have I found more pleasing and profitable than this. Youth is the seed-time of the life that now is, as well as of that which is to come. Youthful piety is the germ of true honour, lawful prosperity, and everlasting blessedness. One day of humble, devotional piety in youth will add more to our happiness at the last end of life than a year of repentance and humiliation in old age. I have no intention of entering the ministry, and yet I prefer religious topics. To-day I have chosen the atonement of our Lord, and have written a few thoughts on it.

_Sept. 2nd._--Implicit trust in a superintending Providence is a constant source of comfort and support to me.

_Sept. 3rd._--G.o.d has blessed me to-day in my studies. I have also felt the efficacy of Divine aid. Help me still, most merciful G.o.d!

_Sept. 4th._--In the course of the past week I have experienced various feelings, especially with respect to the dealings of Divine Providence with me; but in all I have had this consolation, that whatever happens, "the will of the Lord be done." It is my duty to perform and obey.

_Sept. 5th._--This morning I attended church and heard a sermon on Ezekiel xviii. 27. When we consider the importance of repentance, its connection with our eternal happiness, surely every feeling heart, and ministers especially, should exhibit with burning zeal the conditions of salvation, the slavery of vice, the heinousness of sin, the vanity of human glory, and the uncertainty of life.

_Sept. 6th._--When I laid aside my studies to commit my evening thoughts to paper, my mind wandered on various subjects, until much time was lost; the best antidote against this is, not to put off to the next moment what can be done in this. We should be firm and decided in all our pursuits, and whatever our minds "find to do, do it with all our might."

_Sept. 7th._--The mutual dependence of men cements society, and their social intercourse communicates pleasure. If we are called to endure the pains and inconveniences of poverty, possessing this we forget all; and in the pleasant walks of wealth, it adds to every elegance a charm. Friends.h.i.+p a.s.sociated with religion, elevates all the ties of Christian love and mutual pleasure.

_Sept. 8th._--I have found myself too much mingled with the common crowd, and like others, too indifferent to the subject of all others the chief.

_Sept. 9th._--We "cannot serve G.o.d and Mammon." May I be firm in my attachment to the Saviour, remembering that "G.o.dliness has the promise of the life that now is, and of that which is to come."

_Sept. 12th._--I heard a practical sermon on making our "calling and election sure," which closed with these words, "He that calleth upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." I felt condemned on account of my negligence, and resolved, by G.o.d's help, to gain victory over my tendency to inconsistencies of life and conduct.

_Sept. 14th._--I observe men embarked on the stream of time, and carried forward with irresistible force to that universal port which shall receive the whole human family. Amongst this pa.s.sing crowd, how few are there who reflect upon the design and end of their voyage; surfeited with pleasure, involved in life's busy concerns, the future, with its awful realities, is forgotten and time, not eternity, is placed in the foreground.

_Sept, 15th._--In a letter to my brother George, to-day, I said:--It would be superfluous for me to tell you that the letter I received from you gave me unspeakable pleasure. Your fears with respect to my injuring my health are groundless, for I must confess I don't possess half that application and burning zeal in these all-important pursuits that I ought to have. For who can estimate the value of a liberal education? Who can sufficiently prize that in which all the powers of the human mind can expand to their utmost and astonis.h.i.+ng extent? What industry can outstretch the worth of that knowledge, by which we can travel back to the remotest ages, and live the lives of all antiquity? Nay, who can set bounds to the value of those attainments, by which we can, as it were, fly from world to world, and gaze on all the glories of creation; by which we can glide down the stream of time, and penetrate the unorganized regions of uncreated futurity? My heart burns while I write. Although literature presents the highest objects of ambition to the most refined mind, yet I consider health, in comparison with other temporal enjoyments, the most bountiful, and highest gift of heaven.

I have read three books of the Georgics, and three odes of Horace, but this last week I have read scarcely any, as I have had a great deal of company, and there has been no school. But I commence again to-day with all my might. The Attorney-General stops at Mr.

Aikman's during Court. I find him very agreeable. He conversed with me more than an hour last night, in the most sociable, open manner possible.

_Sept. 16th._--There is nothing of greater importance than to commence early to form our characters and regulate our conduct.

Observation daily proves that man's condition in this world is generally the result of his own conduct. When we come to maturity, we perceive there is a right and a wrong in the actions of men; many who possess the same hereditary advantages, are not equally prosperous in life; some by virtuous conduct rise to respectability, honour, and happiness; while others by mean and vicious actions, forfeit the advantages of their birth, and sink into ignominy and disgrace. How necessary that in early life useful habits should be formed, and turbulent pa.s.sions restrained, so that when manhood and old age come, the mind be not enervated by the follies and vices of youth, but, supported and strengthened by the Divine Being, be enabled to say, "O G.o.d, thou hast taught me from my youth, and now when I am old and grey-headed, O G.o.d, thou wilt not forsake me!"

_Sept. 21st._--I have just parted with an old and faithful friend, who has left for another kingdom. How often has he kindly reproved me, and how oft have we gone to the house of G.o.d together! We may never meet again on earth, but what a mercy to have a good hope of meeting in the better land!

_Sept. 23rd._--When I reflect on the millions of the human family who know nothing of Christ, my soul feels intensely for their deliverance. What a vast uncultivated field in my own country for ministers to employ their whole time and talents in exalting a crucified Saviour. Has G.o.d designed this sacred task for me? If it be Thy will, may all obstacles be removed, my heart be sanctified and my hands made pure.

_Sept. 26th._--I have been much oppressed with a man-fearing spirit, but what have I to fear if G.o.d be for me? Oh, Lord, enable me to become a bold witness for Jesus Christ!

_Sept. 28th._--In all the various walks of life, I find obstructions and labours, surrounded with foes, powerful as well as subtle; although I have all the promises of the Gospel to comfort and support me, yet find exertion on my own part absolutely necessary. When heaven proclaims victory, it is only that which succeeds labour. I consider it a divine requisition that my whole course of conduct, both in political and social life, should be governed by the infallible precepts of revelation; hypocrisy is inexcusable, even in the most trifling circ.u.mstances.

_Sept. 29th._--I find difficulties to overcome in my literary pursuits, I had never antic.i.p.ated; and it is only by the most indefatigable labour I can succeed. I am much oppressed by the labours of this day. I need Divine aid in this as well as in spiritual pursuits.

_Sept. 30th._--I have been enabled to study with considerable facility. Prayer I find the most profitable employment, practice the best instructor, and thanksgiving the sweetest recreation. May this be my experience every day!

_October, 2nd._--I am another week nearer my eternal destiny! Am I nearer heaven, and better prepared for death than at its commencement? Do I view sin with greater abh.o.r.ence? Are my views of the Deity more enlarged? Is it my meat and drink to do his holy will? Oh, my G.o.d, how much otherwise!

_From the 3rd to the 9th Oct._--During this period the afflicting hand of G.o.d has been upon me; thank G.o.d, when distressed with bodily pain, I have felt a firm a.s.surance of Divine favour, so that all fear of death has been taken away. My soul is too unholy to meet a holy G.o.d, and mingle with the society of the blest. Oh, G.o.d, save me from the deceitfulness of my own heart!

_Oct. 10th, Sabbath._--I am rapidly recovering health and strength.

The Lord is my refuge and comfort. Surrounded by temptations, the applause of men is often too fascinating, and my treacherous heart dresses things in false colours. But, bless G.o.d, in his goodness and mercy he recalls my wandering steps, and invites me to dwell in safety under the shadow of his wing.

_Oct. 11th._--No graces are of more importance than patience and perseverance. They give consistency and dignity to character. We may possess the most sparkling talents and the most interesting qualities, but without these graces, the former lose their l.u.s.tre, and the latter their charms. In religion their influence is more important, as they form the character, by enabling us to surmount difficulties and remove obstacles. I am far from thinking them const.i.tutional virtues, with a little additional cultivation, but I consider them the gift of heaven, less common than is generally imagined, though sometimes faintly counterfeited. They differ from natural or moral excellence in this being the proper and consistent exercise of those virtues.

_Oct. 12th._--It is two weeks to-day since I first wrote home. A week ago I received a kind letter from my brother George, but was too ill with fever to read it, or to write in reply until to-day. I said: "I feel truly thankful to you for the tender concern and warm interest which you express in your letter. Tell my dear Mother that I share with her her afflictions, and that I am daily more forcibly convinced that every earthly comfort and advantage is transient and unsatisfactory, that this is not our home, but that our highest happiness amidst these fluctuating scenes, is to insure the favour and protection of him who alone can raise us above afflictions and calamities."

_November 20th._--More than a month has elapsed since I recorded my religious feelings and enjoyments on paper. During this period, I have sometimes realized all the pleasures of health; at other times, borne down with pain and sickness, the spirit would be cast down. At such seasons of depression, religion would come in as my only comfort, and with the Psalmist I would exclaim, "Hope thou in G.o.d, for I shall yet praise him who is the light of my countenance, and my G.o.d." Thus I find from blessed experience, that in every state and condition, union and intercourse with G.o.d brings true peace, joy, trust, and praise. If there be any honour, here it is.

If there be any wealth, this is it. "I would rather be a door-keeper in the house of my G.o.d than dwell in the tents of wickedness." O Lord, give me more of the mind of Christ!

_Nov. 25th._--In entering on the field of life, I find my mind much perplexed with the variety of objects presented to my view. The comforts and tranquility of domestic happiness attract my attention, and excite warm desires in my heart. Am I not to taste the pleasures which two hearts reciprocally united in one, mutually communicate? or must I give up the home of domestic enjoyment to the calls of duty, and the salvation of men? Has heaven designed that I should spend my days in seeking the lost sheep of the House of Israel? May divine wisdom direct me, and suffer me not to follow the dictates of my own will!

_Nov. 26th._--By taking a retrospective view of what is past, we learn to ask more wisely in the time to come. The cool dictates of reason, a.s.sisted by that inward monitor, conscience, placed within the breast of every individual, strongly condemns every deviation from propriety, justice, or morality. By mingling with society we learn human nature, and the scenes of public resort afford us a field for useful observation, yet retirement is the place to acquire the most important knowledge--_the knowledge of ourselves_.

What would it avail us to dive into the mysteries of science, or entertain the world with new discoveries, to acquaint ourselves with the principles of morality, or learn the whole catalogue of Christian doctrines, if we are unacquainted with our own hearts, and strangers to the business of self-government?

_February 12th, 1825._--During the long period since I last penned my religious meditations, my feelings, hopes, and prospects have been extremely varied. While I was promising myself health and many temporal pleasures, G.o.d saw fit to show me the uncertainty of earthly things, and the necessity and wisdom of submission to his will, by the rod of affliction. During my sickness I have derived much pleasure and profit from the visits of pious friends, so that I have felt it is good to be afflicted.[4]