Drunk With Blood Part 5

The LORD said unto Joshua, Be not afraid because of them: for to morrow about this time will I deliver them up all slain before Israel. 11.6a G.o.d told Joshua to hamstring ("hough" in the KJV) their horses and burn their chariots.

The LORD said unto Joshua ... thou shalt hough their horses, and burn their chariots with fire. 11.6b And that's what happened.

The LORD delivered them into the hand of Israel, who smote them ... until they left them none remaining. And Joshua did unto them as the LORD bade him: he houghed their horses, and burnt their chariots with fire. 11.8-9 The Israelites killed the King Jabin of Hazor and his people until "there was not any left to breathe."

Joshua ... took Hazor, and smote the king thereof with the sword: for Hazor beforetime was the head of all those kingdoms. And they smote all the souls that were therein with the edge of the sword, utterly destroying them: there was not any left to breathe: and he burnt Hazor with fire. 11.10-11 Then they did the same to all of the other kings and cities in King Jabin's coalition.

All the cities of those kings, and all the kings of them, did Joshua take, and smote them with the edge of the sword, and he utterly destroyed them, as Moses the servant of the LORD commanded. 11.12 Joshua, of course, killed all the kings.

So Joshua took ... all their kings ... and smote them, and slew them. 11.16-17 But the most disgusting thing about this whole b.l.o.o.d.y, genocidal affair is that it was completely unnecessary. G.o.d purposefully hardened the kings' hearts so that he would have an excuse to kill them, along with all the men, women, children, and babies in their kingdoms.

For it was of the LORD to harden their hearts, that they should come against Israel in battle, that he might destroy them utterly, and that they might have no favour, but that he might destroy them, as the LORD commanded Moses. 11.20 (I estimated 20,000 for this killing, 1000 from each kingdom.) 38. The Anakim: Some more giant killing Joshua 11.21-22 Estimated Number Killed: 5,000 The Anakim (giants) We've finally made it to the last of G.o.d's killings in Joshua. And although this one is pretty unspectacular, it does involve some giant killing.

If you remember back in killing 28, G.o.d killed everyone in the "land of the giants." Here he helps Joshua do it again.

The victims were the Anakim, who are described elsewhere in the Bible (Deuteronomy 1.28, 2.10, 2.21, and 9.2) as "a people great and tall"-which is biblespeak for "giants."

Joshua ... cut off the Anakims from the mountains, from Hebron, from Debir, from Anab, and from all the mountains of Judah, and from all the mountains of Israel: Joshua destroyed them utterly with their cities. There was none of the Anakims left in the land of the children of Israel. Joshua 11.21-22 Since Joshua utterly destroyed all their cities and no Anakim were left alive, I estimated the number of victims to be 5000.

39. The Lord delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites Judges 1.4 Number Killed: 10,000 Canaanites and the Perizzites After Joshua died, the Israelites wondered who was going to do their killing for them. So they asked G.o.d.

After the death of Joshua ...the children of Israel asked the LORD, saying, Who shall go up for us against the Canaanites first, to fight against them? Judges 1.1 Well, at least they asked the right person.

G.o.d told them not to worry; he had selected the tribe of Judah to kill the Canaanites and steal their land.

The LORD said, Judah shall go up: behold, I have delivered the land into his hand. 1.2 The first killing was easy, since G.o.d delivered them into their hand, killing 10,000 Canaanites and Perizzites.

Judah went up; and the LORD delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites into their hand: and they slew of them in Bezek ten thousand men. 1.4 After the Bezek ma.s.sacre, they captured king Adonibezek and cut off his thumbs and big toes.

But Adonibezek fled; and they pursued after him, and caught him, and cut off his thumbs and his great toes. 1.6 Which I guess was to pay him back for doing the same to seventy other kings. (Adonibezek fed his table sc.r.a.ps to seventy thumbless and big toe-less kings who lived under his dinner table.) Adonibezek said, Threescore and ten kings, having their thumbs and their great toes cut off, gathered their meat under my table: as I have done, so G.o.d hath requited me. 1.7a Then they brought Adonibezek to Jerusalem, where he died.

And they brought him to Jerusalem, and there he died. 1.7b 40. The Jerusalem ma.s.sacre Judges 1.8 Estimated Number Killed: 1,000 The people of Jerusalem This is one of the Bible's shorter stories, so it's easy to miss. All the action is packed into one verse.

Now the children of Judah had fought against Jerusalem, and had taken it, and smitten it with the edge of the sword, and set the city on fire. Judges 1.8 This verse doesn't say that G.o.d had anything to do with the ma.s.sacre, but the context makes it clear that he did. G.o.d chose the tribe of Judah to kill the Canaanites and "delivered them into their hand."

Now after the death of Joshua it came to pa.s.s, that the children of Israel asked the LORD, saying, Who shall go up for us against the Canaanites first, to fight against them? And the LORD said, Judah shall go up: behold, I have delivered the land into his hand ... And Judah went up; and the LORD delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites into their hand. 1:1-4 So G.o.d deserves the credit (or the blame) for the Jerusalem ma.s.sacre, along with the other killings in Judges 1.

Since this was just an ordinary ma.s.sacre, I gave 1000 for the number of victims.

41. Five ma.s.sacres, a wedding, and some G.o.d-proof iron chariots Judges 1.10-25 Estimated Number Killed: 5,000 Five cities This is a hodgepodge of killings from the rest of Judges 1.

After the Jerusalem Ma.s.sacre (40), the "children of Judah" go on a G.o.d-a.s.sisted smiting spree, wiping out a bunch of kingdoms "with the edge of the sword."

You can read all about it in Judges 1.10-25, if you really want to.

It's hard to say how many cities were ma.s.sacred. But there were at least five: three in Hebron, one in Zephath and Bethel.

Judah went against the Canaanites that dwelt in Hebron ... and they slew Sheshai, and Ahiman, and Talmai. Judges 1.10

Judah went with Simeon his brother, and they slew the Canaanites that inhabited Zephath, and utterly destroyed it. 1.17

And they also went up against Bethel: and the LORD was with them. ... And the spies saw a man come forth out of the city, and they said unto him, Shew us, we pray thee, the entrance into the city, and we will shew thee mercy. And when he shewed them the entrance into the city, they smote the city with the edge of the sword; but they let go the man and all his family. 1.22-25 And there would have been a lot more if it weren't for those d.a.m.ned iron chariots. Some things are just too hard, even for G.o.d.

The LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron. 1.19 (Since five cities were ma.s.sacred, I gave it the usual 1000 per city for a total of 5000.) 42. The Lord delivered Chushanrishathaim Judges 3.10 Estimated Number Killed: 1,000 Chushanrishathaim and his soldiers G.o.d was angry at the Israelites for ignoring him in favor of other G.o.ds.

The children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD, and forgat the LORD their G.o.d, and served Baalim and the groves. Judges 3.7 So he did what any good G.o.d would do and sold the Israelites into slavery. Chushanrishathaim was the happy buyer.

Therefore the anger of the LORD was hot against Israel, and he sold them into the hand of Chushanrishathaim king of Mesopotamia. 3.8a The Israelites were Chushanrishathaim's slaves for eight years. But then the Israelites cried out together in unison to the Lord and he "raised up" Othniel, who was Caleb's nephew and the first "judge" of Israel.

The children of Israel served Chushanrishathaim eight years. And when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD, the LORD raised up a deliverer to the children of Israel, who delivered them, even Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother. 3.8b-9 And then "the spirit of the Lord came upon Othniel ... and he went out to war."

The Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he judged Israel, and went out to war. 3.10a Whom did Othniel go to war with? Chushanrishathaim-the guy that G.o.d sold the Israelites to.

The LORD delivered Chushanrishathaim king of Mesopotamia into his hand; and his hand prevailed against Chushanrishathaim. 3.10b The Bible doesn't say how many of King Chushy's soldiers were killed in this holy war. I'll just guess the usual 1000.

43. Ehud delivers a message from G.o.d Judges 3.21-22 Number Killed: 1 Eglon Remember how in his last killing (42), G.o.d was so angry at the Israelites for wors.h.i.+ping other G.o.ds that he sold them as slaves to King Chushy?

Yeah, well, pretty much the same thing happens here, except the names, places, and times change.

The Israelites do evil in the sight of the Lord.

The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD. Judges 3.12a G.o.d gives or sells them to somebody else (Eglon, the king of Moab, this time around).

The LORD strengthened Eglon the king of Moab against Israel ... So the children of Israel served Eglon the king of Moab eighteen years. 3.12b-14 The Israelites cried out to G.o.d again ("Yahweh!, Yahweh!").

But when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD 3.15a G.o.d raised up a hero for them, a left-handed guy named Ehud.

The LORD raised them up a deliverer, Ehud ... a man lefthanded. 3.15b Who G.o.d sent to deliver a present to Eglon.

And by him the children of Israel sent a present unto Eglon the king of Moab. 3.15c Ehud's present to Eglon was a message from G.o.d: a knife blade in his belly pushed in so far that "the dirt (feces) came out."

Ehud made him a dagger which had two edges, of a cubit length; and he did gird it under his raiment upon his right thigh. And he brought the present unto Eglon king of Moab: and Eglon was a very fat man ... And Ehud said, I have a message from G.o.d unto thee. ... And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly: And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out. 3.16-22 G.o.d has a funny way of communicating, doesn't he?

44. G.o.d delivers 10,000 l.u.s.ty Moabites Judges 3.29 Moabites Number Killed: 10,000 After Ehud delivered G.o.d's message to Eglon (a knife blade in the belly), he blew a trumpet to summon all the Israelites.

Ehud ... blew a trumpet ... and the children of Israel went down with him. Judges 3.26-27 Then he told the people: Follow after me: for the LORD hath delivered your enemies the Moabites into your hand. 3.28 So they followed Ehud and G.o.d helped them kill 10,000 l.u.s.ty Moabites.

And they slew of Moab at that time about ten thousand men, all l.u.s.ty, and all men of valour; and there escaped not a man. 3.29 Kind of boring, I know. But sometimes G.o.d runs out of imaginative ways of killing people.

45. Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad Judges 3.31 Number Killed: 600 Philistines The entire story takes place in just one verse.

Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad. "And he also delivered Israel."

Shamgar ... slew of the Philistines six hundred men with an ox goad: and he also delivered Israel. Judges 3.31 The inspired storyteller obviously viewed this ma.s.s killing as a glorious, n.o.ble, and wonderful thing. To him it is every bit as cool as Ehud's message from G.o.d (43).

But I suspect that G.o.d not only approved of this killing, he a.s.sisted with it. How else could one man kill 600 Philistines with a pointy stick?

46. Barak and G.o.d ma.s.sacre the Canaanites Judges 4.15-16 Estimated Number Killed: 1,000 Canaanites This is just another variation of the same old story. So if you've been following along, you can predict what's going to happen.

The Israelites did evil in the sight of the Lord.

The children of Israel again did evil in the sight of the LORD. Judges 4.1 So G.o.d sells them into slavery.

The LORD sold them into the hand of Jabin ... the captain of whose host was Sisera. 4.2 The Israelites cry out to the Lord.

The children of Israel cried unto the LORD: for he had nine hundred chariots of iron. 4.3 G.o.d slaughtered the people that he sold the Israelites to.

The LORD discomfited Sisera [the captain of King Jabin's army], and all his chariots, and all his host, with the edge of the sword ... and all the host of Sisera fell upon the edge of the sword; and there was not a man left. 4.15-16 This story is more interesting than most, though, because one of the characters is named Barak. (Although Barack Obama's first name is not derived from this biblical character, believers sometimes like to pretend otherwise.) Here are the details about Barak.

After Ehud dies, a woman becomes the leader of the Israelites. Her name is Deborah and she is called a prophetess and judge. She sat under a palm tree and everyone "came up to her for judgment."

Deborah, a prophetess ... judged Israel at that time. And she dwelt under the palm tree of Deborah ... and the children of Israel came up to her for judgment. Judges 4.4-5 One day she summoned Barak and told him to take 10,000 soldiers to fight Sisera.

She sent and called Barak ... and said unto him ... the LORD G.o.d of Israel commanded, saying ... take with thee ten thousand men ... to ... Sisera, the captain of Jabin's army, with his chariots and his mult.i.tude; and I will deliver him into thine hand. 4.6-7 Barak, who was a bit of a chicken s.h.i.+t, said: If thou wilt go with me, then I will go: but if thou wilt not go with me, then I will not go. 4.8 Deborah said that she would go with him and that G.o.d would deliver Sisera into the hands of a woman.

She said, I will surely go with thee ... for the LORD shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman. And Deborah arose, and went with Barak. 4.9 So Deborah and Barak go off to fight in G.o.d's holy war. Guess what happens.

The LORD discomfited Sisera, and all his chariots, and all his host, with the edge of the sword ... and all the host of Sisera fell upon the edge of the sword; and there was not a man left. 4.15-16 That's right. G.o.d confused Sisera's army, forcing them to either kill each other or kill themselves. No one survived.

Except Sisera, that is. Somehow he got away. Don't worry, though. G.o.d will take care of him in his next killing.

(Since the Bible doesn't say how many were killed, I gave it the usual 1000.) 47. Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man's skull Judges 4.21 Number Killed: 1 Sisera In G.o.d's last killing (46), G.o.d "discomfited" the Canaanite army, causing them all to be killed. (It's not clear how G.o.d did this, but he probably forced them to kill each other. He likes doing stuff like that.) But Sisera, the captain of the Canaanite army, somehow managed to escape. And that night he pa.s.sed by Heber's tent (Heber was an ally of the Canaanites), which is where Jael enters the story.

Jael was Heber's wife and she came out to greet Sisera, inviting him to stay the night in their tent. She prepared a bed for him, gave him a bottle of milk, and tucked him in for the night.

Jael went out to meet Sisera, and said unto him, Turn in, my lord, turn in to me; fear not. And when he had turned in unto her into the tent, she covered him with a mantle. And he said unto her, Give me, I pray thee, a little water to drink; for I am thirsty. And she opened a bottle of milk, and gave him drink, and covered him. Judges 4.18-19 Then, after he was asleep, she drove a tent stake through his head.

Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died. 4.21 OK, so what, you say. Why blame this killing on G.o.d?

Because G.o.d blamed it on himself. Deborah, who was a prophetess, said the killing would take place, and that G.o.d would take an active part.

The LORD shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman. 4.9 After the killing Deborah even wrote a little song about Jael and her blessed hammer.

Blessed above women shall Jael the wife of Heber the Kenite be,

blessed shall she be above women.

He asked water, and she gave him milk;

she brought forth b.u.t.ter in a lordly dish.

She put her hand to the nail,

and her right hand to the workmen's hammer;

and with the hammer she smote Sisera, she smote off his head,

when she had pierced and stricken through his temples. 5.24-26

So there you have it. Jael is the most blessed of all women. I think there's even a well-known prayer about it. It goes like this: Hail Jael, full of grace. The Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women....

Or maybe I'm confusing it with another prayer.

48. Gideon's story: The Lord set every man's sword against his fellow Judges 7.22-25, 8.10 Number Killed: 120,000 Oreb, Zeeb, Zebah, and Zalmunna and Midianite soldiers Here's a story about Gideon. You know, they guy they named the hotel room Bible after.

It starts out in the usual way: The children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD. Judges 6.1a The LORD delivered them into the hand of Midian. 6.1b The children of Israel cried unto the LORD. 6.7 And G.o.d kills all the guys that he sold them to. (Midianites this time around.) Here's the long version.

An angel of the Lord was sitting under an oak tree when he saw Gideon thres.h.i.+ng some wheat. So he started up a conversation with him.