General John Regan Part 37

"And a bouquet," said Dr. O'Grady; "and a good luncheon. If we do all that and make ourselves generally agreeable by means of Mary Ellen and in other ways the Lord-Lieutenant couldn't very well refuse to give us a grant of Government money to build a pier."

"It's likely he'd give it," said Father McCormack, "it's likely enough that he'd give it?if we??"

"He couldn't well not," said Doyle, "after us giving him a lunch and all."

"If so be," said Gallagher, "that he was to refuse at the latter end we'd have questions asked about him in Parliament; and believe you me that's what he wouldn't like. Them fellows is terrible afraid of the Irish Members. And they've a good right to be, for devil the finer set of men you'd see anywhere than what they are. There isn't a thing goes wrong in the country but they're ready to torment the life out of whoever might be responsible for the man that did it."

"Very well," said Dr. O'Grady. "Now do we want a pier?"

"We want the money," said Doyle.

"I don't know," said Father McCormack, "could we get the money without we'd build a pier when we'd got it."

"My point is," said Dr. O'Grady, "that the pier itself, the actual stone structure sticking out into the sea, being no particular use to any one once it's built??"

"It'd be a public nuisance," said the Major.

"We can do very well with an inferior kind of pier," said Dr. O'Grady.

"What I mean to say is we might spend a little less than we're actually given."

"What about the inspector they'd send down?" said Doyle.

"Them inspectors," said Gallagher, "is as thick about the country as fleas on a dog. Hardly ever a man would turn round without he'd have one of them asking him what he was doing it for."

For once Gallagher had spoken in a way that was acceptable to the other members of the committee. There was a general murmur of a.s.sent. Everyone present was more or less conscious of the enormous numbers of inspectors in Ireland. Even Major Kent, who had been in a bad temper all along, brightened up a little.

"I was reading a paper the other day," he said, "that 80 per cent, of the adult population of Leinster, Munster and Connacht, were paid by the Government to teach the other people how to get their livings, and to see that they did what they were told. That included schoolmasters."

"I shouldn't wonder now," said Father McCormack, "that those figures would be about right."

"It was only the week before last," said Doyle, "that there was a man stopping in my hotel, a man that looked as if he was earning a comfortable salary, and he??"

Doyle spoke in the tone of a man who is going to tell a long and leisurely story. Dr. O'Grady, who had heard the story before, interrupted him.

"Of course we'd have to talk to the inspector when he comes," he said.

"You'd do that, O'Grady," said the Major. "You'd talk to a bench of bishops."

"I'm not sure," said Father McCormack, "that I quite see what the doctor's getting at."

"It's simple enough," said Dr. O'Grady, "Suppose he offers us 500 for a pier?he can't well make it less??"

"It'll be more," said Doyle optimistically. "It'll be nearer a thousand pounds."

"Say 500," said Dr. O'Grady. "What I propose is that we spend 400 on a pier and use the other hundred to pay for the statue and the rest of the things we have to get."

"Bed.a.m.n," said Doyle, "but that's great. That's the best ever I heard."

Major Kent rose to his feet. He was very red in the face, and there was a look of rigid determination in his eyes.

"I may as well tell you at once," he said, "that I'll have nothing to do with any such plan."

"Why not?" said Dr. O'Grady.

"Because I'm an honest man. I raised no particular objection when you merely proposed to make a fool of me and everybody else concerned??"

"You've done very little else except raise objections," said Dr.

O'Grady.

"?But when it comes to a deliberate act of dishonesty???"

"That's a hard word, so it is," said Doyle.

"It's not a bit too hard," said the Major, "and I say it again.

Dishonesty. I won't have anything to do??"

"The Major's right," said Father McCormack, "there's no denying it, the Major's right."

"He would be right," said Dr. O'Grady, "he'd be perfectly right if there were any dishonesty about the matter. I hope it isn't necessary for me to say that if I thought the plan a dishonest one I'd be the last man in Ireland to propose it."

"Of course, of course," said Father McCormack.

"The doctor wouldn't do the like," said Doyle.

"Sure we all know that," said Father McCormack, "but the objection that the Major has raised??"

"It's all very well talking," said the Major. "But talking won't alter facts. It is dishonest to get a grant of money for one purpose and use it for something totally different."

"I'm not quite sure," said Dr. O'Grady, "whether you quite understand the philosophy of modern charity, Major."

"I understand the ten commandments," said the Major, "and that's enough for me."

"n.o.body's saying a word against the ten commandments," said Dr. O'Grady.

"You're going to do something against one of them," said the Major, "and that's worse. If you merely said things against them I shouldn't mind.

We all know that you'd say anything."

"You're begging the question, Major, you really are. Now listen to me.

What's the ordinary recognised way of raising large sums of money for charitable objects? Some kind of bazaar, isn't it?"

"It is," said Father McCormack. "There's hardly ever a winter but there's one or two of them up in Dublin for hospitals or the like."

"Very well," said Dr. O'Grady. "What happens when a bazaar is held?"

"It doesn't matter to us what happens," said the Major. "We're not holding one."

"Let the doctor speak," said Doyle.

"What happens is this," said Dr. O'Grady. "A large sum of money, very often an enormous sum, is spent on getting up switch-back railways, and Alpine panoramas, and underground rivers, and old English villages.