"Same old Bill, eh Mable!" Part 5

He called an orderly who showed me an empty bed where I was to be sick. Then he says "If you want anything to eat you better get your close off." Just like a fello couldnt eat right with his close on. An he says "You dont have to set your dirty shoes on the blankets nether."

After Id got into bed the nurse came along to take my temperment. I aint goin to say nothin agenst that nurse tho. She was all right an it wasnt her falt she didnt have vilet eyes. As for cryin, Mable, she was too busy to have shed a tear if you shoved a peck of onyuns under her nose. I never saw anybody work so hard. Shed make a good wife for the Top sargent. It would make him happy to sit around an watch her.

Well, Mable, if you dont get another letter from me youll probably get one from the local congressman explainin why. If the worst come to worst tell your father I didnt bear no grudge agenst him. I was thinkin yesterday about a little motto or something for my toomstone. I sort of like this one. I showed it to the nurse. She said she never saw anything like it on anybodies toomstone so I guess itll be all right.

Here lies the body of Bill Smith, dead For the good of the service, with a cold in his head Tho hed felt (without duckin) the bullets breeze He was called aloft by an ordinary sneeze.

yours hopefully Bill

Dere Mable: All kinds of things has happened since I rote you last. In the first place I didnt die of newmonya like I said I was goin to but I bet I had the government worried about my insurance a couple of times. One day they put a bunch of us in an ambulance an drove off. n.o.body knew where we was goin except that it was toward the front. It seemed good almost to hear those old guns bangin away just like Id never been gone. An then the first person I saw when they let me out was the Top sargent. Itll give you an idear how glad I was to get back to the outfit when I say I could have kised him, whissel an all.

Im riting this way down in a Dutch dug-out. Upstairs there sh.e.l.lin all the time. War certinly has changed since I went to the hospittle. You take more chances goin to mess up here than you did goin over the top when this all started. In half an hour, I got to go on gas gard. That means I stand in front of the dug out an when I smell something I blow a klaxon. If any old Ford ever sneaks up behind me when I get home an blows a klaxon theyll probably see me clap my derby over my face an dive into a coal hole.

Theyve thrown so much gas at us lately that its gettin on the mens nerves as well as there close. Most of the fellos would yell gas if you threw a pot of geraniums into the dugout. Somebody stepped on Anguses hand while he was asleep yesterday an he put some iodine on it. He woke up in the middle of the night an smelt it. He had us wearin our gas masks pretty near the rest of the night. But we-

Ive forgot what I was goin to say there. I bet Ive got gray hairs since I rote that last line. Just as I got to the "we" I heard the old klaxon squawk. When I felt around my chest for my gas mask it wasnt there. It was worse than findin yourself on the street car without a nickel on the way to your own weddin. I sat there wonderin how long I could hold my breth till I almost busted a lung. Then I remembered it was on my knee under the letter where Id been usin it for a ritin desk. Theyd have sent me back to the States as gas instructor if they could have seem me put on that mask. Chained lightenin. Thats me all over, Mable.

All we do nowdays is move. Back in the States it used to take us 24 hours to get ready for a hike. Now were lucky if we get 24 minits. We expect anything an we havnt been disappointed so far. Like the other nite when we were on our way to this place. It was rainin as usual. Wed pitched pup tents in the woods an had just gotten to sleep. Angus an I was bunkin together on some hay that hed pulled of a forage wagon that was caught in a jam. We was lissenin to the rain an sayin how lucky we was not to be out in it. That is nothin but our feet an there always wet so they dont count. Its funny how different rain sounds beatin on the sides of a pup tent an on a tin derby.

I went to sleep an dreamed I was on a train just pullin into Philopolis. I looked out the windo an saw your father on the platform with a whissel in his mouth. He was blowin it an dancin around like a mad monkey. Then I woke up an the Top was standin outside blowin on his whissel like he was tryin to blow the pea out of it an sayin "Fall in. Harness an hitch."

Well, Mable, to say that bunch was sore was like callin Niagra Falls pretty. I dont supose you ever tried to make a blanket roll in the pitch dark an six inches of mud. It comes out like a jelly roll only mud insted of jelly.

"TRIED TO MAKE A BLANKET ROLL IN SIX INCHES OF MUD"

About midnight the Top came from somewhere an says "Unhitch an unharness. Put up your pup tents. We aint agoin to move."

I never saw so much mud. Mud seems to go with the army just like monkey meat an Top sargents an first calls.

Theres been a whole lot of talk about peace lately. Angus says theres some Dutch oficers comin thru here in an automobile to see General Fosh about an armistice. An armistice is awful tecknickle, Mable. About the only way I can explain it is that you dont quit fightin only you do. I may be eatin gobbler at Thanksgivin yet.

Just now I got to quit cause theres no armistice yet an Im supposed to go on gas gard at five o'clock. Its six now. The fello thats on gard has been yellin down the stairs at me fer an hour so I guess Ill go up an see whats the trouble. Hes an awful nervus fello.

yours till I come off gas gard Bill

Dere Mable: The war is over. Finney le gare. The six inch head lines lost their job at leven oclock Monday mornin. Its so quiet you can almost hear it. It sure will be a come down when we have to look at picturs in the Sunday papers of the Prince of Whales visitin a tooth pick factory an the flower show at Pa.s.sadinner.

It wasnt much of an endin to a worlds champeens.h.i.+p sc.r.a.p. Id always thought that when they ended wars like this they lined up same as in the pictur your father has of whats his name surrenderin to thingumbob at Yorktown. I thought General Fosh would come ridin out on a big white horse an General Hinderberg on a big black one. Hed hand Fosh his sord or whissel or whatever it is that Generals carry nowdays. Then everybody would cheer, the bands would bust out with the Star Spangled Banner an it would be just like after the fello rides a bicicle over five elefants in the circus. After that wed hand our guns over to some museum an go home. Somehow or other it was to big to peter out the way it did.

We fired off an on Sunday night an then quit when it got daylight. Most of the fellos were down in the dug outs catchin a little sleep except for the gards an a few others that was monkeyin around upstairs. Me an Angus was sittin in a little trench in front of the first gun. Angus was cleanin his revolver. I might have known from that that something out of the way was goin to happen.

The Fritzes was sowin a big field in front of the battery with wash boilers. Theyd been at it all mornin but about the only thing they was killen was the gra.s.s. Not bein interested in the hay crop we wasnt callin them up to tell them about it. Every ten minites or so you could feel a big one land. Then wed stick our heads up over the top of the trench an watch it throw up mud in the air like Old Faithless guyser.

We was talkin about the armistice. Angus said if it was sined up we was to go to college in Ingland for six months or else to Rusha to fight the Slovo Checkracks or the Checko Swaybacks or somebody. Not wantin to do ether I couldnt see where the armistice was goin to do me much good.

Just then I saw the Top comin but it was to late to go anywhere. He says "I want you fellos to go an help unload a rashun truck thats stuck in the mud down the road. An by the way, the wars over in about five minits so dont go around shootin anybody after that unless you want to land in the gard house." I bet if the angel Gabriul stuck his head out of a cloud an said the world was goin to end in twenty minits all that would worry the Top would be thinkin up details to keep us sweatin that long.

Thats about all there was to the end of the war as far as I was concerned. Angus says "Ill be damed." Then he squinted thru his gun an handed it over to me an says "See if you think thats rust up near the front end." We stopped everybody that came along an told them about it. Most of them would just say "Ill be damed." Then theyd stand around for a minit thinkin it over an ask "When are we goin home?" Youd think me an Angus was runnin some kind of a Cooks toor.

Things warmed up a little after it got dark. Everybody got there fireworks out an touched them off. It was the first time since we been in the war that we found out what a lot of those rockets were. It made 4th of July look like Sunday in Philadelfia.

Of course all anybody thinks about now is when there goin home. Most of the fellos is expectin to help put the fires out on the family Crismus tree. Theres a few of them thinks theyll be eatin homemade turkey Thanksgivin. I wouldnt worry much if I was a turkey tho.

Well, Mable, after all the baths I took last winter an all Ive been rained on since I got here I finally adopted a pack of cooties. I guess some Fritz left them in a dug out to starve. I dont know why it is that animals seem to take to me so. This bunch is so attached to me I havnt been able to shake them for two weeks. I used to think cooties was funny just like you think slippin on a banana peel is funny till its your slip. Now all I do is scratch, scratch, scratch. Thats me all over, Mable.

"ALL I DO IS SCRATCH, SCRATCH, SCRATCH"

Im enclosin a blank slip they gave out today. Anybody that wants to send a Crismus present has to have one. I wasnt goin to send it first cause it sounded a little like I was expectin a present. Then I figgered Id just tell you I didnt want one an send it for a curiosity.

I guess Ill see you in about a month. Its just a question of findin somebody thats fool enuff to take these guns offen our hands. You might as well start oilin the victrola. You can tell your father hes goin to sit down to the biggest dinner he ever tackeled the first Sunday after I get home, liver or no liver.

till then as always Bill P.S. Im sendin half a dozen of those slips extra in case the first one should get lost or some of your friends wanted to send anything to somebody over here.

Dere Mable: You couldnt guess where I am now. Im not to sure myself. All I know is it isnt the way home. A couple of days after the armistice was signed we pulled the guns into what was left of a town. The Fritzes had just moved out. Then the Captin told us there was an army goin into Germany an we was to be part of it. It struck me as a pretty low trick when wed told the Fritzes we was thru fightin to go right on pickin on them. He said it was an honer. Im always leary of that. In the army honer an hard work are the same thing.

We lay around four days before we started. The Lootenant said that was to give the Fritzes a good start. I cant make out if were still at war or if this is some kind of a handicap race. We traveled a week tho and didnt see one of them. I guess we gave up after that cause theyve let us lie around here four or five days. They call this the Providence of Luxemburg. Im glad we didnt have to fight our way here.

Thanksgivin is over. You probably know that tho. I suppose we got a lot to be thankful for but a fello gets a short memory when his brains full of mud. As far as I can see the turkeys had the most to crow about this year. It might have been St. Patricks day for all we saw of them. We had stake an gravey an potatoes. The mess sargent said we ought to be thankful it wasnt corn Willie. He could think up some reason why we ought to be grateful to him if he fed us nails.

The people here wear wooden shoes an have big manure piles an no shapes. Theyll scrub the inside of the house till its so clean you could eat offen the floor. Only I never could see any advantage in that cause n.o.body in his right mind would want to eat there. Then theyll build a manure pile right under the front windo. That aint so bad here as it would be home cause the only time they open the windos is when they want to throw something out. Then they shut em quick sos they wont let out any air. I bet the greatest hards.h.i.+p the German army had was sleepin outdoors for four years.

"THE PEOPLE HERE WEAR WOODEN SHOES AN HAVE NO SHAPES"

Angus says the Providence of Luxemburg is run by a Dutchess thats young an good lookin. I guess she must be a foriner. Shes never been married which shows shes got pretty good taste from all Ive seen around here. There sure will be great opportunities over here for a young fello after the war.

Well, Mable, I dont think well be over here long. Angus says this is just a kind of a parade to show the Fritzes how good we are. Im glad to hear your goin to a motor school. It certinly will be good when you have a puncture not to have a bunch of wimmin hangin out of the tonno askin you if you want some candy an should they get out.

as ever sick of the army Bill

Dere Mable: We crossed into the Fodderland yesterday. After sc.r.a.ppin about it for four years n.o.body seemed to give a rap any more than if wed been draggin in a load of hay. You remember how the papers used to say if we ever drove the Fritzes back to Germany we could never get across the border. Proper Gander, every word of it. They didnt even have a fence around it.

We just crossed a little river no wider than Silver Creek an there we was. No screamin wimmin, no stray shots out of attiks, no awtrocities. n.o.body even took the trouble to come out an hiss at us. It made everybody feel pretty low I can tell you. The only ones that took any interest at all was a bunch of kids in soldiers caps an stand up collars like your father wears. They seemed to think we was goin to show in their town an trotted along beside us to watch the big tent go up.

Wed all been plannin for some time on committin a few good awtrocities as soon as we got into Germany just to liven things up a bit.

As usual tho when the Captins runnin the party anything sporty is ruled out. The only awtrocities h.e.l.l let us commit is makin faces at the Fritzes. The whole thing has been an awful disappointment. This country aint no diferent from France or the one we just left. It aint even colored diferent like it is on the map.

Theres a fello from Milwawke in our battery named Joe Bush. It certinly helps to have somebody around that speaks German. Last night Joe told me hed found a regular bed in one of the Fritz houses that the oficers seemed to have missed. He traded me half of it for a package of cigarets. Back to the hay barn for me tonite.

A German bed is like a loaf of bread thats rose to much. Its so high you need a chair to get onto it. I guess youd need a coroner if you ever rolled off it. When I first got up on it I couldnt make out where the bed close was. Then I found there was two matdresses, one about four feet thick an the other on top about a foot thick. Your supposed to sleep between them like a sanwidge. The little matdress is built so it just reaches from your neck to your ankles if you aint to tall. You can get the idear by lyin down an puttin a sofa pillo over you. Ether the Fritzes has awful tuff feet or there built like a pocket drinkin cup. I tried rollin up like a dog till Joe caught onto it to.

"A GERMAN BED IS LIKE A LOAF OF BREAD THATS ROSE TO MUCH"

Well, Mable, in about an hour I felt like I was in the hot room of a Turks bath. I dont see how the Germans is so fat if they sleep between these things.

The young girl in a kimony on the cover of the Murad boxes gives you an idear how you sleep on a German bed. I never knew why she looked so discouraged before.

The old fello that owned the bed seemed kind of scared at first. I guess he thought after we found what it was like we might commit a few awtrocities just to put us to sleep.

We agreed to call off the awtrocities if hed leave his Frow cook us up a mess of waffles toot sweet. Frow is what they call there wives, Mable. I guess its short for Frowsie.